to think wedding gifts should not be like this...

[kallima]

I'm a Brit who lives in Ireland. My DP and I have been invited to a couple of weddings over here, one a very good friend of his and the other an acquaintance - i.e. he has never met the wife.

I brought up the topic of what we would give for gifts and was absolutely dumbstruck when he told me the 'going rate' over here was a minimum of ?100 per person! There are no gift lists and cash is expected.

So between us we are giving ?300 to the good friend, and ?200 to the acquaintance, on top of travel, hotels etc. Blimey!

AIBU to think that these are ridiculous sums to give and to really dislike the whole 'expectation' surrounding it??

[SinicalSal]

You can of course kerry I often have when times are tight, and people at my wedding have too. Nobody thinks any the worse of that, i don't think.

[notlettingthefearshow]

Wow I've learnt a lot from this thread. Remind me not to accept any wedding invites in Ireland!

[queenmaeve]

Its not that couples specifically request money. Most weddings have a gift list and people buy from that, but a large proportion of people feel, quite sensibly, that its better for couple to have money to put into their house.
Irish people I suppose are quite generous as a rule really.

[acatcalledfelix]

We had a couple of cash gifts of £500. Mental!

[LoopyLoopsPussInBoots]

[cherrysodalover]

Crazy. I always work on about 50 quid- maybe more for close family and of course you do not expect people to cover the cost of the meal which is always more than 50 quid.
BUt I had guests who did less than this- a family of 5 did 30 quid and I just appreciate it and guessed that was what they were able to give...I had not invited their 3 kids but there you go.

One friend got nothing not even a card and I was a little hurt somehow by that- just a card would have been nice.

[TillyIpswitch]

As has been said several times, no-one (or only the most uncouth) will ask for money. It's just the done thing to give it.

I agree with whoever said that it's as much - if not more - about the expectation and pressure guests put on themselves, as opposed to any sort of expectation from the B&G. IME Irish people are notoriously generous and being seen as mean is a fate worse than death.

This culture of generosity and always being the one to put your hand in your pocket for a round, or to pay for dinner, etc, etc, is very, very strong in Ireland. If you don't have Irish friends or relations or if you haven't spent much time there, then you just won't get that, or understand how it segues into all parts of life; wedding etiquette being a prime example...

We got married in NZ and specifically said NO GIFTS as lots of people had to travel so far, and yet DH's family and friends who hauled ass all that long way still gave us cash. I felt dreadful but he was like

[Gonzo33]

My family are Italian and do the "Money Dance", a friend of mine's family are Greek and they do the same too.

I thought this was common practise in both countries but never heard of it happening in Ireland.

[InsomniaQueen]

That is far too much money - really have these people not heard that it is a recession. I would say between £20 and £50 for a gift is plenty - after all what happened to - "it's the thought that counts"!!!

My family are Nigerian and so cash is what you do - weddings, birthdays, christenings whatever......cash is what you get. In our culture being generous is also very important - it is just seen as a mean not to put something in a card......but having grown up here (in the UK) I know it's a bit different.

For my wedding we asked for cash toward our honeymoon trips which was fab but we made it clear that we were not expecting people to go insane and neither should they feel that they have to. My friends who don't earn a lot all put in together and bought us an amazing 8 course private dinner, with our own waiter on the beach which was one of the highlights and I still have the menu ect from our special evening. I was absolutely blown away by it and think that would be a fab idea - maybe you could find out where they were staying and get them vouchers for the hotel which they could towards something or club together with some others to get them something special.

[acatcalledbob]

We had no wedding list and asked for donations to the NSPCC and the local hospice. Would it be OK to give a card saying you'd bought a loo from Oxfam in their name?

[hairfullofsnakes]

Just because some people are not used to the idea of giving money, it doesnt mean it is 'uncouth' as one poster put it (who made you lord and master over how it should be?! )
in certain cultures money at a wedding is the norm and in some, wedding listed are. I am quite amazed that some people think their 'presence' is enough at a wedding... If you go to a wedding, some kind of gift up to the level you can afford is right.

At Greek weddings the couple getting married do a money dance where people pin money on them - it is a traditional and lovely part of the wedding. Just because some of you are unused to the idea of money at weddings as gifts it doesnt mean it is wrong although any indication on how much you should give certainly is!

[hairfullofsnakes]

Gonzo - did you do the money dance?! We did!



By the way op, what is it to you if they spend 25k on their wedding? If they can afford it that's up to them isn't it? Why so judgemental?

[TillyIpswitch]

Still missing the point - neither of these couples have asked for anything....

There's no point fixating on 'teaching these greedy fuckers a lesson' by buying them a goat or whatever; it's a widespread cultural thing which just happens to be different from the UK.

[TillyIpswitch]

Oops, my post is not to you hair!

[Gincognito]

Is it really uncouth if it's part of a culture?

I can see that some posters have said that this is a relatively new phenomenon in Ireland but if the majority of people do it then it has become part of their culture, surely?

My dh is Japanese and cash gifts are absolutely the norm for weddings, funerals, birthdays, New Year, new baby, ooh look it's a Tuesday :o, oh look over there it's a bird, have some cash :o. Cash is given in very beautiful and ornate envelopes.

Where actual goods are given, the recipient always knows roughly how much they cost. Not crass, actually very important so that you can figure out how much you need to spend on a gift in return.

As such I never bat an eyelid when people request cash. I also think it's perfectly reasonable to give cash requesters a gift if that's what you prefer. After all, when we got married and directed interested parties to our (very short and low price) list, our Japanese relatives all gave us cash anyway.

I don't think either is wrong, they're just... different

[NestaFiesta]

Frankly, we have been so skint this year that if a bride and groom were expecting money from our food budget, because that's all the money we had, then I think I would resent them for a long time.

I don't care that it's etiquette, I don't care that the B&G didn't specifically ASK, I don't care that it's the done thing. The system stinks

Couples need to open their eyes- many people have kids and attendance of a wedding requires hotel accommodation, travel/petrol/flights AND NOW an extra few hundred on top of that to a B&G who don't look that skint to me?? That would be more than our annual holiday.

What a nasty tradition. People are broke these days and yet are expected to what? go into debt? use the food/holiday budget? Its madness and it's time people starting bucking the trend. Its just not even funny.

"Hello, I decided to get married, that'll be £400 please"
"Well after bills, me, DH and the 2 DCS only have £290 to last the month and that includes food"
"That'll do nicely. Hand it over. That should cover half the flower bill. It's traditional."

[talkingnonsense]

Nesta, it's not a nasty tradition in itself. only anproblem when it clashes with people with different norms. Like how in the uk, visitors bring a gift like flowers or wine, but in Japan, the hosts give to the visitors. Like many have said, cash gifts are culturally appropriate in many places. I think you need to respect other people's norms.

[hairfullofsnakes]

Nesta you are talking rubbish. If you go to a wedding, to NOT give a gift is crass. Noone expects anyone to give what they cannot afford but as a guest I would take into account how much my food costs and that of my family and would at least try to give that amount. To expect to go to a wedding for free is crass. I am sure most couples would be extremely grateful if guests give a token gift but I think the rule is give what you can afford. There is always plenty of notice of weddings so what is wrong with saving up some money for the couple? If I have a wedding is say, ten months, I put by say a fiver a week. Is this expecting to go to a wedding for free a new phenomenon? It SI so rude to not be as generous as possible with a gift.

[kallima]

hairfullofsnakes I couldn't give two hoots if the couple can afford 25k or 250k or whatever. I wasn't saying that - I was expressing surprise that a venue could cost so much. I suppose I always assumed that a hotel reception etc would be about 5k tops

[SJisontheway]

Ridiculous to call a tradition of generosity nasty. As countless people have pointed out, no one is expected to give more than they can afford. I got a lot of very generous gifts for my wedding, as well as a number of small thoughtful gifts. All were appreciated.

[hairfullofsnakes]

Sorry Kalima for my assumption x

Weddings nowadays cost a bleeding fortune! But they can be done on a smaller budget too. Greek weddings are huge, 400-800 people and in places like Cyprus and Greece they can top 1000 people... I 'only' had 300 at mine (and they ALL come for the sit down meal!) and my wedding wa considered small!

[raffle]

Tilly your description of Irish people always wanting to pay reminded me of Father Ted when Mrs Doyle and her friend come to blows in a coffee shop over who would be picking up the tab! Hilariously accurate :o