to think wedding gifts should not be like this...

[kallima]

I'm a Brit who lives in Ireland. My DP and I have been invited to a couple of weddings over here, one a very good friend of his and the other an acquaintance - i.e. he has never met the wife.

I brought up the topic of what we would give for gifts and was absolutely dumbstruck when he told me the 'going rate' over here was a minimum of ?100 per person! There are no gift lists and cash is expected.

So between us we are giving ?300 to the good friend, and ?200 to the acquaintance, on top of travel, hotels etc. Blimey!

AIBU to think that these are ridiculous sums to give and to really dislike the whole 'expectation' surrounding it??

[TangerineQueen]

Before Debenhams my ILs had a physical list on a piece of paper which was circulated by snail mail amongst the guests. Once the guests had bought an item they crossed it off and mailed it to the next guest! Rotten luck if you're last....!!!!!

[sqweegiebeckenheim]

BOSCO PORN VIBE!!!!!!!!!!! Oh that's so WRONG. Love your name though Bosco. I'm at what your friend said.

[Laquitar]

hair no, i'm not from Northants

[SinicalSal]

this thread has taken a weird Bosco-porn vibe.

A phrase that should never have been coined...

[hairfullofsnakes]

You are not from Northants are you lacquitar?!

[BoscoIsMyLover]

Ha katie Sure Bosco makes a great lover... Ta sé an-dána isteach sa leaba

[Katiepoes]

Bosco you should have gone in a Coast dress with big ribbons on your cane. What a wench.

Seems I'm wrong about the urban legend so, the cheek of some people.

(Your name is giving me the heebiejeebies, you might even say it's ufasach haha)

[BoscoIsMyLover]

No G1nger but I was tempted to tell her where to put it

[G1nger]

Bosco - Weren't you tempted to joke that she should get her own cane if it was such a fantastic way of drawing attention? ;)

[BoscoIsMyLover]

Ah no longer a friend now after that remark I can assure you!

I wont use the can for my own one though but she can go and shite!

There are a lot of spanish Irish still about, there is a very strong spanish link in west cork for example.

Lets face it, we are just great!

[Laquitar]

I forgot to say i am too at your 'friend' bosco

[Laquitar]

hairfullofsnakes, funny because i was thinking right now about the similarities too. What always puzzles me is that Ireland is geographycally in Northern Europe with a climate etc of the North but the people are so much like Med. And lots of their culture is more similar to Southern Europe. All my Spanish/Italian/Greek friends find Irish very similar and love them.

I don't know how if there is any historic reason for the way they 'fit' in the South ?

[hairfullofsnakes]

Laquitar - I have always found Greek, Italian, Spanish, Irish weddings the most fun! All my English friends loved my Greek wedding and my English hubby loved it too and all the plate smashing and Greek dancing!

[3dolls]

oops, typing too slowly, I see someone else mentioned the urban legend theory, and a further poster has firsthand evidence!

[3dolls]

Isn't the 'No Coast dresses' thingy an urban legend?!

What's the definition of new? My parents have given money as a gift for at least the past 25 years. I'm married 15 years, we got mostly cash gifts but we didn't ask for them. (If anyone had asked me I'd probably have said there was no need for anything; the Irish generosity cuts both ways in me - I'll be very generous with a wedding-gift, but very uncomfortable at the idea of people being very generous to me) At the time we got an average of IR100 from each couple, some gave more, some less. For comparison purposes, our reception for 190 people in a posh hotel was in the region of IR3k for 4 courses, wine and evening food. For a similar wedding in the CT years you'd probably be looking at closer to E25K.

We've scaled back on gifts in recent years as I'm not working now. We haven't been tarred & feathered yet

You need stamina for an Irish wedding btw :o

[hairfullofsnakes]

Bosco - I am that your 'friend' asked you not to use your cane! Not surprised you didn't go!

I am going to a wedding abroad soon - its my choice to go and I would not dream of going without a gift. You can't say that oh weddings are so expensive to attend and there's no budget for a gift. If you go to a wedding some kind of gift is necessary - rude to go empty-handed

[Laquitar]

My DH is hairfullofsnakes (i'm Spanish)

[G1nger]

That's far too much money. In my view, guests should just give/spend what they can afford and what they feel comfortable with.

For my wedding, I thought it was enough that guests had needed to travel - in most cases - from various parts of the UK to the south east. We didn't include any mention of presents in the invitations, and left it entirely up to guests' discretions as to whether they gave anything. In retrospect, maybe we were too modest about the whole thing and a gift list would have been useful... In the end, about half of the guests gave something, and about half didn't.

In contrast, I was quite put out for my brother-in-law's wedding as he was indiscrete enough to mention to my partner (his brother) how much the best man was giving, which meant that we felt we had to match it. It was about twice what we were planning to give. He's a nice guy, my brother-in-law, but he could have at least sent out thank you cards afterwards. I also thought it was a bit much the time he said to his newborn that he should be nice to Uncle (my partner) because he'd be getting him 'lots of expensive presents'. That said, I'm sure I've said stupid things in my time.

And so, to recap more succinctly, only give what you want to give. If your partner wants to give more, let him take care of the additional cost for you as a couple.

[hairfullofsnakes]

Are you Greek too Laquitar?!

[hairfullofsnakes]

When did I ever say you have to spend hundreds?! A gift that a couple or family can afford is perfect enough - as is the effort to give what you can.

And it did sound like some posters were dissing giving money - it's is a very old tradition on many cultures - there you go, you have learnt something new!

[Laquitar]

Thank you.

£200 for a full night's craic with fun loving people? Bargain!! [i'm getting ready]

Mind you we are in Cyprus now for a family wedding, we gave £150 but danced till the morning.

[BoscoIsMyLover]

Not true katie I actually got an invite from my bff (at the time) saying no coast dresses! She actually asked me after the invite would I mind not using my cane to walk that day because "it draws attention" I did not attend that wedding.

[BoscoIsMyLover]

Ok laquitar I have sent you an invite..I hope you get it. I put the address as:
TO
Laquitar
Mumsnet.com
The Internet
UK



Some people apparently put "no Coast or Karen Millen dresses* because they dont want everyone dressed the same in the pics or else they bought their bridesmaids dresses there and dont want people to wear the same.

[Katiepoes]

No Coast dresses is an urban legend.

I'm Irish and got married in Ireland. Most people gave us cash, 100 euro per couple seemed the norm, but we got a fair few that were quite a lot higher, my godfather gave us 600 and I nearly died. We had no list, some people asked my Mam and she told them money or vouchers. It's not 'demanding' it's just the way it's done nowadays. We still got a few actual gifts, some nice, some beyond vile, a mix is normal.

Of course from what I see here there is a group that think anything not done for 150 years in middle England is rude and they would do the opposite 'out of spite'.