to think wedding gifts should not be like this...

[kallima]

I'm a Brit who lives in Ireland. My DP and I have been invited to a couple of weddings over here, one a very good friend of his and the other an acquaintance - i.e. he has never met the wife.

I brought up the topic of what we would give for gifts and was absolutely dumbstruck when he told me the 'going rate' over here was a minimum of ?100 per person! There are no gift lists and cash is expected.

So between us we are giving ?300 to the good friend, and ?200 to the acquaintance, on top of travel, hotels etc. Blimey!

AIBU to think that these are ridiculous sums to give and to really dislike the whole 'expectation' surrounding it??

[SinicalSal]

No the rate is E75 per person, as the etiquette is to 'cover your meal' ie E50 a head in most hotels and a bit extra as the actual present. Yes it is like getting a bill in the post. Present lists are not the norm.

[create]

At the risk of really putting my foot in it, is it a high church (Catholic?) thing? I know of both Greek and Spanish weddings where the expectation was that large sums were cash are given, rather than presents

[sqweegiebeckenheim]

I thought that too Bosco but my friend's wedding was for 150, 3 years ago, in a lovely-but-not-that-lovely hotel. I was astounded at the cost. Saying that though I think the hotel has been NAMAed in the meantime.

[BoscoIsMyLover]

No its not a catholic thing....I think we can blame this on money grabbers. These types are universal and their country of birth, and religion, have owt to do with it...

Personally, I would ask for hello kitty things, I loooove HK things....

[kallima]

Well it's Catholic... I'll stir it up a bit by saying both couples are very D4 which must make a difference to their expectations!!

The 25k couple are getting married in the same venue as Brian O'Driscoll got married in last year. I am expecting mucho grandeur!

[scarletfingernail]

If as you describe it there seems to be an expectation, then I would have to decline the invitation. I wouldn't be able to afford to go. Well I might, but I would rather not spend that amount of money on someone else's wedding.

However, I don't think it's unreasonable for couples to ask for cash. It seems to be the norm these days and I'd rather give money so it can be spent on something useful to the couple than buy a present they may not like.

If I've got a spare 300 euro/£265, I could make better use of it myself than handing it over to someone else just because I've been invited to their wedding. That just seems extortionate and I'd rather not attend. I give whatever I can afford at the time. The few weddings I've been to this year I've been able to give £50 where we've been invited to the whole day and £20 where we've been invited to an evening reception. Last year it was a bit more and next year it will probably be a bit less. I'm that there's a going rate!

[sqweegiebeckenheim]

scuzy I myself am the proud owner of 78 first cousins. Soon to be 79 :o

[BoscoIsMyLover]

Agh D4???Nuff said...

Let Sorcha and Fintan enjoy their wedding loike.....

[queenmaeve]

[ grin] at it being a church thing, no nothing to do with that.
I have never went to a wedding here (n ireland) and give any less than £100, for close friends it has been £200. We couldnt make a wedding last week, we still sent a cheque. Its just the done thing over here.

[limetrees]

Effing hell!

I would not go to the wedding of the acquaintance (give good excuse!).

And cut the bill for the good friend to EUR 200.

Yikes!

[scuzy]

D4??? ah why didnt ye say! that explains it all now dontcha know.

[BeStillMyBeatingFart]

Blimey!

The last wedding I went to (four weeks ago) the couple said on the invite that 'having us at their wedding was enough' but they did have a Debenhams wedding list if we wanted to get them something. The stuff on the list ranged from £4 to around £50.

I hate Debenhams so we got them something else which they seemed really pleased with.

I don't think I'd bother going to a wedding which demanded I brought cash for the couple. And totting it up to cover the meal is insane!!

[Tigerstripes]

I think this is awful! What if people can't afford the going rate? Do they just not go? And do the bride and groom prefer that than have a smaller gift? Good heavens.

[scuzy]

when i get married (eventually - am eternally engaged) i am going to give everyone 2 years notice and set up monthly direct debits from their accounts to ours ... well, mine .... so there wont be any pressure on them to buy gifts coming up to it. how nice am i

[scuzy]

i wonder is it the bride and groom though or is it wedding goers that put these prices on them. i myself have been to 2 weddings in my life been invited to others but couldnt afford to go so kindly declined but got a gift and card myself for them. other friends i have though are on the go every few weekends to weddings - i dunno how they afford it i honestly dont!

[kallima]

scuzy - tbh, I was wondering if it was a continuation of a societal expectation around giving money for important events, which seem to start with kids when they make their communion/confirmation. I was gobsmacked and a bit bewildered at the amount of cash they receive too!

[fatlazymummy]

Why should people have to cover the cost of the meal? That is the couple's choice, isn't it. The guests may prefer something cheaper. Does this also extend to dinner parties and children's parties?
I agree, people should give only what they could afford. I also wouldn't send a gift if I couldn't attend, unless they were very close family/friends.

[SinicalSal]

that's the etiquette, like it or not though.

[notlettingthefearshow]

If their home is complete and they don't 'need' anything, don't buy them anything. It's not right to ask for cash.

If you feel awkward not buying anything, give something as a token gesture, e.g. photo frame, bottle of champagne.

We had a wedding list with a wide range of prices and guests spent around 20-40 per couple I'd say, but some bought us nothing and some (close relatives) spent a lot more.

[exoticfruits]

I think I have heard it all now ....'cover the cost of the meal The guest has no control over how much the meal costs.
Just give what you want-there is no chance of me spending £100 on a present and I don't give cash.
I don't believe it is etiquette, and even if it is I don't like it and have no intention whatsoever of following it. I give what I can afford.

[InMyPrime]

Cash gifts do seem to be very much the norm in Ireland. At our wedding, my Irish family all gave cash gifts while we put together a John Lewis list with a wide variety of pricing for DH's (Scottish) family.

I did see an Irish TV show once about managing money and the couple being advised wanted to get married and buy a house and were trying to budget for their wedding. They were planning on having the standard 150-200 guests but the 'advisor' actually said to them, 'no, invite twice as many people and then all the cash gifts you'll get will make up the cost and you could have a surplus to go towards a house deposit'. I thought it was incredibly mercenary. Time was in Ireland, you would get a few toasters and irons off your aunts and a Child of Prague statue and think you were doing well!

If the couple are D4s, then 200 EUR sounds about right. For someone you barely know, though, I think 100 EUR would be enough.

I think the Celtic Tiger put people into wedding bling mode and some have forgotten their good manners along the way. Equally though I do think the recession is waking people up a bit and the wedding bling fever is cooling off a bit now - hotels are cheaper etc.

[seaweedhead]

I really don't think its on to expect guests to donate money to cover the cost of your wedding. Its your decision to get married, how much you spend on it and how many people you invite. The few weddings I've been to I've bought a gift/vouchers for whatever I could afford (generally not much).

The best wedding I've been to was a lovely low key, low cost affair where the couple asked for a) a donation to charity of their choice and/or b) a homemade gift. They're not wealthy and could probably have done with the cash but were just grateful that people could be there.

[SinicalSal]

well it is the norm, nobody 'demands' it, but it's the done thing.
things are changing a little now though, people are getting a tad more realistic.
I think it's helpful to know what's expected, that way if any of you are invited to an Irish wedding you'll be able to consciously decide to override norms instead of doing it unwittingly.