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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Not take my DS out of pre-school to stay with grandparents

25 replies

SarahPT · 28/08/2011 19:02

Help?!
I need a second opinion on this!
My mum wants my 3 year old DS to go and stay with them for a holiday
He has 3 days a week in preschool so 4 days fri-mon when he's not there
She wants him to stay during the week
I said he could stay any weekend but that I'm not going to take him out of nursery when we pay for him to be there!
She says that they're busy at weekends and could only have him in the week
Background is that they are retired and live over 2 hrs away so I'd have to do a 5 hr round trip twice to deliver DS as well
AIBU????
They live over 2 hrs away and

OP posts:
Original poster
SarahPT · 28/08/2011 19:03

Oops ignore that last line!

OP posts:
justhe1 · 28/08/2011 19:08

ahh if its a one off then let him go! he will have a famtastic time.

Do you mean every week he will be going or just one off??

popserinis · 28/08/2011 19:08

A few days of missed pre-school never hurt anyone. It would be different if it was school. Time spent with grandparents and memories made are precious, you never know what's around the corer. Why don't you strike a deal that you'll take him there and they can bring him back or even meet half way bith times. I live 400 miles from both sets of our parents and make the effort every month to get up and see them, time moves too fast. I lost my dad unexpectedly last year and am so glad I kept the momentum going. See if you can get a week that is suitable and they can keep him a whole week - you and DH could get away too!

ladyintheradiator · 28/08/2011 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 28/08/2011 19:11

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Your child will enjoy spending time with his grandparents. No amount of money can buy a good relationship with your grandparents and your boy is at the age where he will remember this too.

My mums dad died when I was 2, and her mum died when I was 3, so I have only the very most fleeting memories of them.

Stateofplay · 28/08/2011 19:12

Let him go, time spent with grandparents (especially who he doesn't see every day because they live some distance) is far far far more valuable than a couple of days of pre-school.

And maybe negotiate for you to do one drop off, and them the other?

Jump at the chance, and be grateful he's got them in his life - early bonding time like this will stand him in good stead for his future relationship with him, especially when they live at some distance.

Stateofplay · 28/08/2011 19:12

Sorry, and for what it's worth, YABU, but in a situation like this, especially with your first, it's hard to see the wood for the trees.

Andrewofgg · 28/08/2011 19:14

Allow it - but make it crystal clear that this will not be a precedent once he starts "real" school. And mean it!

exoticfruits · 28/08/2011 19:17

Could you make it October half term?

DogsBestFriend · 28/08/2011 19:19

Remember who's doing who the favour here and who you might like to have your child another time when you want a couple of days away with DH. :)

A few days out of nursery, as a one -off and at a time to convenience your parents is no big deal. So you pay for him to be there... well you'd pay for him to be there if he was off sick as well, that's life. Your DS will no doubt have a great time at his grandmas and you'll get a break too whilst grandma's weekend plans remain undisturbed.

Whatcha got to lose? :)

Original poster
SarahPT · 28/08/2011 19:49

Thanks everyone

The extra background that I should have mentioned is that my mum has barely spoken to me over the past 5 months after an argument when I was 7 months pregnant with my second child

(She doesn't like DH and thinks it's alright to criticise him to me constantly)

And that we only started speaking again when my DD was born 2 months ago

Since then they've only met DD once

Now I feel as though I've got to bend over backwards to be accommodating to please her even if it means 3 days out of preschool at £35 a day plus at least one 5 hour round trip with 11 week old DS in the car too

Thanks though Everyone. May have a rethink.....

OP posts:
GwendolineMaryLacey · 28/08/2011 19:53

OK couple of things. Firstly, there are a lot of school years to have to stick to the rules. Pre-school years are the last free ones you'll get so I'd be making the most of them.

Secondly, if your DS is 3 then why are you paying £35 a day? If DD had done full days before 3 then the most I would have paid is £21 and once the funding kicked in that went down to £1.83

The issue is obviously with your mother and nothing to do with pre-school. Only you can decide how you want the relationship to progress.

Sirzy · 28/08/2011 19:53

I agree with everyone that you should let him go, agree with PP that half term may be a good compromise.

Memories of time with grandparents are irreplaceable and to often the time to make those memories is limited.

Would it be an option for you and your DD to stay to - perhaps a time to rebuild the bridges and save you have to to travel straight back.

popserinis · 28/08/2011 19:54

Lifes too short. Bite your tongue, build the bridge, they won't be around foever and you will have so many regrets if you stick your heels in now. I know this only too well. If you don't agree with them - homour them! The good times will outweigh the bad.

Original poster
SarahPT · 28/08/2011 20:04

Ok so I AM being unreasonable

Guess I was angry that after trying to be building bridges by saying yes to him going to stay and yes to driving him there I got annoyed that that still wasn't enough and that it had to be on a day that didn't clash with a WI meeting etc etc !

DS loves pre-school so was trying to let him have best of both worlds with preschool as usual then 4 day weekend with grandparents

Ah well humble pie for pudding no doubt!

OP posts:
Nagoo · 28/08/2011 20:07

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Why can't they do some of the driving?

VeraCanSignChocolateAndWine · 28/08/2011 20:12

OP you want us to say that YANBU, but IMO YABU. He's in Pre-school. Book the week off, at most you will have to pay a x% retainer.

They are offering to look after your DS, that seems to be a big enough attempt at bridge building on their part, what other hoops would you like them to jump through before you let your son get to know his grandparents?

HerHissyness · 28/08/2011 20:13

Look, (1) you need to be looking into the funding, at 3yo, your DS will have 15 hours funded a week.

(2) your mum wants to have him over night when it suits her, despite still being on kind of probation since a nasty argument.

She's coming over as a bit controlling, demanding and a tad entitled.

Wait until October half term. Then he is both a bit older, and also you will not have him in pre-school.

He is YOUR son. YOU get to decide when YOU spend an entire day delivering him to your Mum. Bridges can only be built when the building is done from BOTH banks of the river.

Doha · 28/08/2011 20:17

YANBU, your DM anad DD seem to want to have it all their own way. Just how well does your DS know them considering the amount of " no contact" time.
I would be seriously considering the whole 4 day thing

GwendolineMaryLacey · 28/08/2011 20:17

It's totally up to you and I'm sure he does love preschool, but if he's there four days a week then he's got plenty of time to enjoy it. He won't miss a few days. Do you want to build bridges? If so, go for it, it won't harm him at all. If you don't then obviously that's your choice but there's no point hiding behind the preschool thing. Tell them straight otherwise you're not addressing any of the issues you obviously still have with her.

Original poster
SarahPT · 28/08/2011 20:27

Thanks everyone

Re funding - he does get funding but not in august (they wanted him last week). And we Would have had to pay full price not just % retainer to the nursery

And just so no one thinks I'm a complete cow, despite mother being generally rude to DH for last 10 years and despite them being so far away, DS has a very good relationship with them and pre-argument I made the 500 mile round trip once a month regardless of anything else that was going on because they're family/ won't be around forever etc etc

Sigh .... Do we ever get old enough to be able to say no to our mothers???

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 28/08/2011 20:32

Sarah, you are old enough the day you become a mother.

Your mum is rude to your H for a decade? YOU need to lay down the law. TBH it wouldn't hurt her to be reminded that YOU and your H are doing your best to facilitate a relationship between your DS and her, but it has to be managed appropriately.

Say HALF TERM and stick to it. It's not like she is doing this as a help to you by the sounds of it, it's because SHE wants him there.

You need to stop pandering to those that ought to know better. THEY are the ones that need to remember that THEY won't be around forever and therefore need to ensure that they treat their family with the love and care they would hope to be remembered by, not demanding this that and the other.

Original poster
SarahPT · 28/08/2011 20:41

Thank you
All of you
Gotta go home-made apple pie waiting for me made by that terrible DH of mine
THAT sort of pie I can cope with tonight!
Thanks again x

OP posts:
ProcrastinatorGeneral · 28/08/2011 22:20

Not unreasonable. They requested him to visit for a holiday, so not doing you a favour, or any such guff it is a selfish want on their part. You gave them an option of times that suit you all. Ball is in their court. If they don't like it, they can't want to see him that much can they?

Enjoy the apple pie:)

LydiaWickham · 28/08/2011 22:27

No unreasonable - She needs to fit round your family - you are a unit and she can't insult part of it and think she can still be all smiles and happiness with the rest of it.

Half term it is. If she wants to see him other times, the road goes the other way.

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