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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend inviting herself and family over..AIBU?

77 replies

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 28/08/2011 09:54

Sorry, I know this has the dreaded C word involved, but I am really curious!

Not going to namechange but am going to change a few details to protect the guilty so please don't jump up and down and call me a troll

Have been living a long long long way away from the UK for nearly 6 months and have made some friends (yay) some lovely, some freeloaderish but thems the breaks when you are on a shortish posting.

I've been talking with one of my friends about having Christmas with her family and some of the other expats who won't have family around for the big day, ie at least 6 adults and 6 children, all of whom are planning to return to the Uk in the next 2 years or so.

Another friend has 'heard' about this and has decided to invite herself, which I would normally just accept as I don't have lovely big balls.

Now the weird thing is that she'll have her mum here for Christmas. And she wants to come with her whole family including her mum to my house for Christmas dinner. Another 3 adults and 2 kids.

Inwardly I am thinking wtf Confused.

This friend is of the freeloading variety. Y'know the type. AIBU to want to scream 'no, fuck off, leave those of us who are going to be feeling really homesick and alone to drink in peace'?

This is the same friend that announced that her daughter wanted to know when we were going to have another bbq. Very loudly in front of all our friends. At the school disco. Shock

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 28/08/2011 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 28/08/2011 09:59

Can remember posting the almost exactly the same thing this time last year only instead of a friend it was my sister who was inviting her in-laws as well and she knew my DH would be at work and I had my in-laws coming too.

In the end she didn't come as she had a better offer.

Know that's now much help but will watch with interest.

scuzy · 28/08/2011 10:00

oooo difficult one. firstly its really nice of you to plan this for everyone. perhaps as BeerTricksPotter suggested say you have a full house and have been planning for ages but arrange a meet up with just her before or after xmas.

good luck i dont envy you!!

fedupofnamechanging · 28/08/2011 10:01

Freeloaders are not friends, they are just freeloaders. Tell her that you don't have the room, so will be unable to host Christmas.

It's really a choice - you either stand up for yourself and avoid being walked over or you don't, in which case you have to accept being a target for every freeloader in the vicinity.

iscream · 28/08/2011 10:06

"Terribly sorry, but it is invitation only"
Grin

Or what BeerTricksPotter said.

Andrewofgg · 28/08/2011 10:07

Say No and TNS!

Original poster
MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 28/08/2011 10:10

Trouble is I do have the room. And she knows it.

It's one of those tricky things that our kids have become good friends, she lives just down the road.

I'm just going to have to suck it up. Just like I had to suck up that she took some vouchers that I won in a raffle cos i was too slaughtered to know different tired.

OP posts:
CoffeeIsMyFriend · 28/08/2011 10:13

You either need to grow a pair and tell her that it is only for those who do NOT have family visiting over the festive period or suck it up.

Maybe invite them over for drinks in the evening after eating if you feel guilty.

ZacharyQuack · 28/08/2011 10:14

Can you say that you'll have a full house for lunch/dinner (whatever your main meal will be) but would love to see them for a drink in the evening.

SayItLoud · 28/08/2011 10:21

Has she actually asked you? How did the conversation go? If you have already agreed in extremis, it's harder to backtrack now, but if you've just heard her intention on the grapevine it'll be easier to head her off.

iscream · 28/08/2011 10:23

It doesn't matter if she knows you do have the room. That is what I told a couple who boldly expected to stay with us, whom had worn out their welcome by staying for 2 months in the past and didn't contribute a thing or lift a finger.

They knew we had room, but I didn't care. I said I was sorry, we didn't have room, but could book them a hotel.
They freeloaded off some other people they knew.

fedupofnamechanging · 28/08/2011 10:28

So she stole from you and you are still prepared to suck it up?

tbh, you are bringing this on yourself. You might as well stamp doormat on your head and be done with it.

Have some pride and self respect woman!

PhilipJFry · 28/08/2011 10:30

Start standing up for yourself! Don't let her invite herself in and see it as an inevitable hassle. You CAN tell her to take a hike.

Ripeberry · 28/08/2011 10:32

Tell her NO! NO! NO!. Do you even have a friendship with this person? Why do you care about hurting her feelings?
She is freeloading and does not want her rubbish cooking being critisised by her mum Grin, so wants someone else to cook it for her...cheek!

Cheeseandharps · 28/08/2011 10:33

She's not a friend. Just tell her no and if she asks why say 'I don't think that will work for me.' It's not easy, but with lots of practise, you can stop people walking all over you.

Original poster
MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 28/08/2011 10:40

Right. Ok.

Am off to put the children to bed, but will be back.

You're right. I have to be more assertive with her. She also managed to get me to buy a ticket for the movies for her (we went to see Deathly Hallows, I bought in advance, other friend paid up she didn't).

Wine o clock thank god...

OP posts:
mummymccar · 28/08/2011 11:41

Sounds like you have a lovely 'friend' there! To be honest, just because you have the room to seat them doesn't necessarily mean you have the room to cook for them if you see what I mean? I have a large downstairs area (not actually big but open plan so looks it) and could easily fit 20 people seated if I wanted to but my kitchen is so small that I barely have room to cook for us, let alone guests! Could you just tell her that your oven is big enough to cook for 10 (or however many) but an extra 5 just isn't possible? The great thing is that she can't possibly prove it unless she cooks the meal herself - in which case you win!

TheSkiingGardener · 28/08/2011 11:45

Good luck. Decide on your No phrase and stick to it!

FabbyChic · 28/08/2011 11:46

Why suck it up? Are you a doormat?

Tell her if she was going to be invited you would have asked her!

sadlydoingshineypenguins · 28/08/2011 11:47

"No I have enough on my plate with the guest who are already coming"

"No I can't manage another 5 people to cater for"

Or even just

"No"

LydiaWickham · 28/08/2011 12:14

How about "no, I think we're going to have some extra guests coming over from DH's family, so I'll have to say 'no' for Christmas day as we will be full. Although we were thinking of going for a walk to X on boxing day/27th, do you want to join us or will you be doing family things as you've got your family over?"

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 28/08/2011 12:17

Grow a backbone and say no. If she asks why not then say I don't want. It's hard to argue with that.

PattySimcox · 28/08/2011 12:27

Ok either say "Sorry there won't be enough room"

or

"that will be great, ok here's the list of things you need to bring, massive turkey, 3 crates of champagne, side of salmon, bottle of port, christmas pudding....."

learningtofly · 28/08/2011 12:40

I would tell her the cost is being shared and you require 35 pound per adult up front :)

activate · 28/08/2011 12:49

Oh lovely - tell her that it is her job to cook and bring the turkey and bring a pudding and you will need one to feed however many people

remember to add "its lovely when we share the workload isn't it - don't forget to tell your mum she's washing up"