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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend inviting herself and family over..AIBU?

77 replies

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 28/08/2011 09:54

Sorry, I know this has the dreaded C word involved, but I am really curious!

Not going to namechange but am going to change a few details to protect the guilty so please don't jump up and down and call me a troll

Have been living a long long long way away from the UK for nearly 6 months and have made some friends (yay) some lovely, some freeloaderish but thems the breaks when you are on a shortish posting.

I've been talking with one of my friends about having Christmas with her family and some of the other expats who won't have family around for the big day, ie at least 6 adults and 6 children, all of whom are planning to return to the Uk in the next 2 years or so.

Another friend has 'heard' about this and has decided to invite herself, which I would normally just accept as I don't have lovely big balls.

Now the weird thing is that she'll have her mum here for Christmas. And she wants to come with her whole family including her mum to my house for Christmas dinner. Another 3 adults and 2 kids.

Inwardly I am thinking wtf .

This friend is of the freeloading variety. Y'know the type. AIBU to want to scream 'no, fuck off, leave those of us who are going to be feeling really homesick and alone to drink in peace'?

This is the same friend that announced that her daughter wanted to know when we were going to have another bbq. Very loudly in front of all our friends. At the school disco.

OP posts:

ZonkedOut · 28/08/2011 12:49

Say you can't manage to cater for that many people - there's a difference between having space in the house and having space in the oven/on the hobo etc.

You really shouldn't just suck this up, she's been rude and taken advantage, it's hard to.day no when people presume like this, but you should try it, or it will just get worse.

ZonkedOut · 28/08/2011 12:50

Day should be say, of course.

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2011 12:50

This is ridiculous. You can't possibly say yes to this.

So she says: "Oh well we could all come and eat you out of house and home and you can do everything for us whilst we relax and plan what we'll spend the food money on in the January sales."

You say: "No, sorry, I've got Christmas sorted."

What's the worst that can happen? She might ignore you? Well that would be a fantastic result!

LydiaWickham · 28/08/2011 12:52

oh god, don't tell her it'll cost £35 per head, she might pay, and then where will you be? You'll have ot have her for christmas and then ask the others to pay too or tell them she's paid and they have to pretend they have, it'll be terribly awkward.

Either white lie that you'll have extras/don't have room or just straight out "No".

Don't just suck it up, it'll ruin your chirstmas, one difficult conversation now, lovely Christmas to look forward to. If it makes you feel better, arrange another day over the Christmas period when you can see them?

CeliaFate · 28/08/2011 12:52

She is totally taking the piss and you're letting her. If she was my friend and did all the things you've said, she'd get nothing from me and I'd have no compunction in dropping her from my list of friends. She's not your friend, she takes you for a mug and you let her. Up to you, but I would tell her Sorry, but you don't have room. So she knows you do have room? That should tell her loud and clear she's not wanted.

Original poster

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 28/08/2011 13:08

Jesus, you are all so brave

So much of the problem is that we are such a long way from 'home', I am really dreading the whole Christmas thing.

Ok. I am going to talk to my other (nice) friend in the morning and practise.

'No, sorry, I'm not comfortable having that many people over.'

'Wouldn't you prefer to eat with your Mum and come over for a drink later?'

'I don't want the fact that you have your mum with you rubbed in my (and my lovely friends') faces when we will be homesick'

I don't have a backbone* I am an amoeba.

*honorable exception made for my dh. Even though he wishes it wasn't.

OP posts:

lachesis · 28/08/2011 13:17

You can't invite yourself anywhere. The host has to allow it.

You sound like a mug and have already said you're going to suck it up, so don't see why you're posting at all, tbh, other than to invite even more people to wipe their feet on you.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 28/08/2011 13:23

Si at the moment she thinks it's all sorted for her to come?

LineRunner · 28/08/2011 13:31

A full house is when YOU say it is full, not some awful fucking acquaintance.

Katisha · 28/08/2011 13:35

How have you left it with her? Has she asked you outright? What did you say?
THink you rbest option is sorry a bit too chocker for lunch - come round later for a drink though

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2011 14:25

You don't need any excuses, OP. Just say, "Sorry, we've got Christmas sorted now, thanks."

You could add, "Besides, FIVE OF YOU? I'd do nothing but cooking all day!"

anewyear · 28/08/2011 14:31

and £20 per child as they will be eating too!!

HerHissyness · 28/08/2011 14:40

I think that normal lovely understated britishness is not going to work here.

You say that you don't really like her, then tbh, if you are blunt and it stops her being friends with you, all's well that ends well.

She won't respond to gentle hints this one. She'll adopt a hide thicker than any Rhino.

You have to say No, we've decided to keep it to just US and .

Then STOP, say no more. NOTHING.

No excuse, no reason.

If she says anything, anything at all to weedle her way back in, just repeat "No, we've decided to keep it to just US and the other family" as often as you need to.

Don't vary the line, don't improvise, adlib, repeat ad nauseum.

peeriebear · 28/08/2011 14:40

I can't think of anything worse than having to entertain unwelcome acquaintances on Christmas day. Just briskly say, with a smile, that you won't have the kitchen space to fit another five people's food in. End of!

pranma · 28/08/2011 14:41

just say,'Sorry another 5 is just too many for dinner but do pop round later for a drink :)'The smile is what will be on your face when you say it but the is what will be there when you have done it.You can do this you know she will not be alone and she is taking the mickey.

CornishMade · 28/08/2011 14:58

'Wouldn't you prefer to eat with your Mum and come over for a drink later?' Please do not say this! She'll just say No, we'd like to come to yours... Don't give her an 'option'. You need to tell her that you have it sorted with just you and the other family and if you have to, say she is welcome over for a drink on Boxing day.

Jux · 28/08/2011 15:10

Yup, afraid you're just going to have to say No. You've decided that this is how it's going to be so that is how it will be. Your house, your hospitality, your decision. In this matter you are GOD!

Jux · 28/08/2011 15:15

Mind you, I've just remembered having been faced with a situation a little like that once. I just smiled vaguely and said "no, sorry, can't be done" whenever it was brought up. The Baggage had the cheek to phone me on Xmas Eve to check the time, I just read a book while she wittered on and when I got bored I said "see you in a couple of weeks then, have a good Xmas" and hung up. Mind you, the fear was there for a lot of the early part of the day that she'd just turn up anyway - until enough champagne had gone down and I forgot smile

Thumbwitch · 28/08/2011 15:22

Definitely say No!
It doesn't matter in the slightest that she knows you have enough room - you don't want that many people there and that's all there is to it.

I wouldn't invite her round later either; purely because she'll take that as an open invitation to come around at 3pm ish and stay all fecking evening as well.

Freeloaders are NOT friends, regardless of who your DC are friends with. You are NOT obliged to entertain and feed this woman's family (at your expense, no doubt!)

Just Say No. G'wan, you can do it, promise. :)

pchip · 28/08/2011 15:41

Say we are having this get together for ONLY for those of us expats whose families won't be around for the holidays. I specifically didn't invite you because your family IS visiting and it would make the rest of us too homesick/uncomfortable. And start talking about how your kids miss their grandparents etc and rattle on not letting her get a word in

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2011 15:45

I agreed, DON'T say, "Wouldn't you rather..."

Just say, "It's all sorted now."

HerHissyness · 28/08/2011 16:12

Listen to Thumb, I dare say she gets all manner of blow-ins looking for a cheap place to stay down under...

Thumbwitch · 28/08/2011 16:12

at "all manner of blow-ins" !!
Not so far, no - most people I know haven't the funds these days, sadly!

HerHissyness · 28/08/2011 16:30

very true...

Inertia · 28/08/2011 16:42

"No that's not possible. We cannot have you and your family round at all on Christmas Day. If you are keen to meet up we should be free to come and visit you all on Boxing Day at your place".

(Job done emoticon)

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