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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend inviting herself and family over..AIBU?

77 replies

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 28/08/2011 09:54

Sorry, I know this has the dreaded C word involved, but I am really curious!

Not going to namechange but am going to change a few details to protect the guilty so please don't jump up and down and call me a troll

Have been living a long long long way away from the UK for nearly 6 months and have made some friends (yay) some lovely, some freeloaderish but thems the breaks when you are on a shortish posting.

I've been talking with one of my friends about having Christmas with her family and some of the other expats who won't have family around for the big day, ie at least 6 adults and 6 children, all of whom are planning to return to the Uk in the next 2 years or so.

Another friend has 'heard' about this and has decided to invite herself, which I would normally just accept as I don't have lovely big balls.

Now the weird thing is that she'll have her mum here for Christmas. And she wants to come with her whole family including her mum to my house for Christmas dinner. Another 3 adults and 2 kids.

Inwardly I am thinking wtf Confused.

This friend is of the freeloading variety. Y'know the type. AIBU to want to scream 'no, fuck off, leave those of us who are going to be feeling really homesick and alone to drink in peace'?

This is the same friend that announced that her daughter wanted to know when we were going to have another bbq. Very loudly in front of all our friends. At the school disco. Shock

OP posts:
sundayrose10 · 28/08/2011 17:02

Gawd saying NO is sometimes the hardest thing to say. I feel your pain, but you must say so on this occasion. Do not go through Christmas day with bad feelings.

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2011 17:05

Inertia - very good! But perhaps "we could ALL come to visit you..."

I wouldn't be going to see her at all though. I'd be blocking her/ignoring her/hiding from her.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 28/08/2011 18:14

I don't want the fact that you have your mum with you rubbed in my (and my lovely friends') faces when we will be homesick

You've already cited the perfect reason to decline her kind invitation to invade your Christmas Day.

As pchip has indicated, the elegant escape from the day from hell is to simply say 'I've organised Christmas for those who won't be having their close relatives near them at this SPECIAL TIME of year; it's wonderful for you and your dc that you'll be able to spend the day with your dm but I'm sure you can see that, for those of us who won't be so lucky, it will add to any feelings of sadness and homesickness at being away from their loved ones - and it won't be fair to our dc if they see that yours have their dgm with them on this PARTICULARLY FAMILY ORIENTED DAY'.

You could then go on to say 'but I will be holding an open house at some point during the holiday and you/dcs/dh and your dm will be welcome to attend - I'll let you know when I'vefound a reason not to throw my home open to a hungry/thirsty horde firmed up my dates'.

OR (preferred option) take a cue from Inertia and say that you'll look foward to dropping into hers on Dec 27 (everyone needs a clear day to recover from the day) to meet her mum.

Of course, being of the thick-skinned variety, she may well start lobbying those you have invited, in which case you should make it clear to them that, even if they won't be upset at not being with their distant LOs on Christmas Day, you will and that is why you have chosen your special guests.

After you've stood firm which, unless you want to go down in mumsnet history as a pathetic ineffective wuss, you are morally obliged to do, the insensitive cah will either leech latch on to another poor sucker or, hopefully, have to get off her arse and sort out her own Christmas Day.

HeyYouJimmy · 28/08/2011 19:45

Why don't you make it politely clear that you are only inviting only those who aren't having family to see them at Xmas. Only cook for those YOU have invited. If she invites herself and her family, then you'll know whether she's a real friend or not if she bitches to someone else about your lack of hospitality on Xmas day.

islawhiter · 28/08/2011 19:53

If you are just gonna "suck it up" you should be more practical and start saving up and sorting out the planning arrangements of feeding and entertaining so many people at christmas and making sure they all have a great time.

IreneHeron · 28/08/2011 20:03

I'd have just smiled and said 'I'm sorry, if I could have invited you I would have, shame. (no other excuses mentioned, grit teeth, then change subject to) Aren't you lucky having your mum over, you must be thrilled she could come'.

LolaLadybird · 28/08/2011 21:28

Lots of good advice on here so won't repeat but just wanted to say think of the consequence if you back down on this one. Christmas is a special day IMO that you want to spend with family and good friends that you enjoy being with. You do not want to have to put up with an irritating freeloader that you don't really like - it will really spoil your enjoyment of the day.

Also you will be really cross with yourself (for the next 3 months) if you don't stand up to her.

It's not easy saying no sometimes but it can be done. Good luck.

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2011 21:42

I don't think she should say that she would have liked her to come. She wouldn't!

OP, please come back and tell us what you've done!

Original poster
MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 28/08/2011 21:56

OK OK ok.

I will politely decline her kind invitation to herself.

You're right. I'm a total wuss. In the best traditions of MN I need to point out that you are all being unreasonable. Grin

I'm only like this (massively over generous and hospitable when the rest of the world would say fuck off) because my mother was the exact opposite. I never had a friend home to play. Ever. When I got married she didn't even invite my MiL to be over for a cup of tea even though she'd come a very long way to attend. (Does this count as drip feeding??)

BUT

I will resent her if she comes over. You're completely correct. Today is another day and I must do this.

Y'know for a nest of vipers you're not half bad. Bjitches one and all of course, that goes without saying. But very beautiful vipers. With kind eyes.

Grin
OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 28/08/2011 22:04

I think that given she's invited herself, you could respond by text, don't you?

So, "Hi X, you asked if you and your family could come for Christmas Day. Sorry, DH and I had already sorted out Christmas. It's just going to be those of us without family. You're so lucky having your mum with you, wish mine was here! x

Salmotrutta · 28/08/2011 22:14

I second what lachesis said - someone can only invite themselves if you let them.

If she tries to, you just deflect. And DO NOT OFFER.

Hints should just ricochet off. Don't respond.

I'm actually astounded that such entitled rudeness is tolerated. The art of keeping someone at arm's length or on the doorstep (if you don't like them) is obviously dying.

And no, I'm not unsociable - I prefer to spend time with people I like rather than have folk foisted on me.

ChippingIn · 28/08/2011 22:21

Well - I'll be standing right behind you when you do it, so bear in mind my steel capped boots are ready to kick you up the bum if you waiver!!

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 29/08/2011 02:57

Well mrs it comes down to who are you more scared of, her or us

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 29/08/2011 03:25
notlettingthefearshow · 29/08/2011 04:08

She sounds like a right cow.

Having said that, there are already so many people going that she probably thinks it's a party and the more the merrier. Tell her you hadn't planned it as a party, as everyone knows how much effort that is (refer to previous barbecue). Apologise for the change of plan and make a bit of a joke about it getting out of hand and it's probably easier if they do something separate, and she wouldn't mind, would she, since she's got her family there.

Suggest (in a vague noncommittal way) doing something another time but not at your place.

Is it the numbers that you're baulking it, the expense, your friend herself or just the fact she's a cheeky mare? Just curious if you have the space and so many there already.

LittleJennyRobyn · 29/08/2011 11:59

I agree you need to be blunt to get the message across loud and clear.
Do Not leave any comment open that she could turn back on you and still invite herself.
As someone said freeloaders have a thick skin and usually dont take gentle hints.

My SIL is a huge freeloader and tried to invite herself to ours 2 years ago for christmas. But the thing is she hasn't spoken to me in over 5 years Hmm

She was still quite happy to turn up at my house, eat my food and watch my tv untill the cows come home!!! Not sure how that would have worked though!

DH told her "Sorry, No room at the inn!! It's the only way to get through to her.

Even though we did have room, he didn't want her here and knew that i would not allow her over the doorstep.
I said that if she were to come for christmas dinner then she would still be here at new year (we would have had to physically remove her, No Joke).... because thats what she does.

But TBH it's not just us, she has burnt her bridges with everyone because she is a taker and offers nothing in return.

Stick to your guns and don't feel guilty....afterall freeloaders only think of themselves, never of others.

CornishMade · 29/08/2011 12:08

Like Imperial's text idea for starters (being a bit of a chicken myself too). Good luck however you do it!

CornishMade · 29/08/2011 12:09

Oops - sorry Imperial, not calling you a chicken! Just the OP and me...

mumeeee · 29/08/2011 12:13

YANBU. Just tell this friend this friend that you don't have room. Anyway what does her Mum think? I know my Mum wouldn't be happy if she had come to spend time with me at Christmas and then found she was expected to visit my friends.

G1nger · 29/08/2011 12:18

You've got to really psyche yourself up to deal with these people. In fact, it quite helps if you laugh about your success behind the scenes once you have done. All I can say is thank goodness my partner's aunt doesn't live in the country... I don't know how these people manage it, I really don't.

I take it everyone here's given you enough spark to do this with... ? Maybe next we'll get on to telling you how to get your vouchers back ;)

bubby64 · 29/08/2011 12:20

I agree with learningtofly, if you can't say "no", mention in passing that "I will work out the cost per adult, and let you know in plenty of time for you to give me your share", then see what she says!

Scholes34 · 29/08/2011 12:20

She is really lucky her mum is coming over. By the sound of it, you're also very lucky her mum is coming over, and therefore "disqualifies" herself from your event. Just be careful you don't overdo it on the "having your mum here" front, just in case she decides to put her mum off because she sees you as a better option.

Good luck - but nip it in the bud now!

NorfolkBroad · 29/08/2011 12:35

Well done OP. You sound like a really welcoming, sociable lovely person but EVERYONE has a limit and you are well within your rights to say no. I have just had some excellent advice on MN regarding a freeloading regular houseguest and if nothing else it further emphasised that I was not just being a moody cow and that some people regularly TTP but we don't have to let them! Good Luck! Remember if you say yes you will be seething about it until December!

HedleyLamarr · 29/08/2011 12:42

HerHissyness wrote:-

"You have to say No, we've decided to keep it to just US and ."

This.

spanishbint · 29/08/2011 13:02

tell her to get a life . lol