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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to contact my grandparents for my dd?

23 replies

snowbootslikemyboots · 27/08/2011 01:57

See it would be a simple question, except I havnt spoken to them for 9 years and wouldnt be getting in contact if i didnt have dd, but i'm a LP and would like for her to have as many other family members around her growing up. (she's almost 2)

See i want to but cant help thinking its cheeky, and then i think its dd's great grandparents so surely she has a right?

So MNers whats the verdict??

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 27/08/2011 02:08

So why haven't you spoken to them for the last 9 years? Did you tell them you were expecting dd, or notify them of her birth?

What are their present circumstances, are they infirm? Do they live close to you?

Thumbwitch · 27/08/2011 02:08

Depends on why you haven't been in contact for 9 years, really.

If it was just you being a selfish twat, then yes, it's a bit cheeky.
If they moved and didn't let you know and haven't been in contact with you for 9y, then I doubt that you having DD would make much difference
If they are toxic/abusive, then you don't want them in your life and certainly not in your DD's - extra relatives aren't necessary if they only add negative value to the situation

If it was just "one of those things" then yes, why not? just let them know. But why have you waited until she's almost 2 to let them know they are great-grandparents?

More details required for a full opinion, please.

Original poster
snowbootslikemyboots · 27/08/2011 02:26

sorry, shall try to make it short...

I'm 24 and last time we spoke i was about 15. Bilogical father passed away when i was 14 and i guess i felt guilty as was raised my sd and cared for him more than real dad.

They kept in contact with my sister so know i have dd(tho i dont get on with sister either so cant go to her)

basically sister was old enough to remember real dad when step dad came along and threw wobbly about it, i was too young and only really know sd as father figure as real dad was ill growing up so dont remember any conversations/ bonding etc

so i want to say it was one of those things but i have a feeling it may be all me thats been a twat.

they do however still send a card at xmas for sis and me to mums house(however not sure if its really only meant for sis)

god this sounds really petty now i've said it outloud

hmmm....

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 27/08/2011 02:43

Would it do any harm if you wrote to them, to ask can you visit them with your DD?

I have hardly any family that i know of because my mother never thought of family as important, so didn't keep in touch (not from the UK). I have lots of questions that i would have liked answered.

I also feel very strange when others are discussing their family and i know nothing of my biological relatives. When my adopted grandad died my GM sent all of the photos that she had of him to his blood relatives and she never understood why this hurt me. It was like they had made all of the fundamental decisions but backed out at the end.

ZonkedOut · 27/08/2011 03:00

Why not get in touch and say you'd like to start again. It sounds like you never actually fell out, so maybe you can try again for everyone, not just your DD.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 27/08/2011 03:27

It doesn't seem to be a question of starting again as it seems you've never had the opportunity to get to know your paternal grandparents.

Do you have their address or phone number? I suggest that in this instance it would be best to give them a call; once you say who you are, I'm sure that the conversation will flow naturally and they'll be over the moon to hear from you.

Alternatively, write a letter thanking them for their cards over the years and ask if it is possible for you to visit them in the near future to introduce their great granddaughter.

Although it appears that they have an ongoing relationship with your dsis, I'm sure you won't have been far from their thoughts.

When you meet up with them, you're best advised to be circumspect about the fact that you don't get on with your dsis and don't expect them to take sides.

iscream · 27/08/2011 03:52

Contact them for yourself too, not only your dd. These are your grandparents, and you do not even know them. It is not being disloyal to the memory of your sd to get to know your biological grandparents.

Was there some valid reason for them not being a part of your lives growing up?
If not, I say go for it. First you get to know them, before bringing your child into things, in case it doesn't work out.
Best of luck to you.

Thumbwitch · 27/08/2011 03:59

From what you've said, it sounds like it was just one of those things. :)
So by all means, contact them - see how it goes. They're still taking an interest in you by sending you a Christmas card - that means they still think about you but perhaps they don't want to push into your life, since you were much closer to your SD than your real Dad.

They might just be waiting for the opportunity to get to know you; or they might be a bit hesitant - but you won't know unless you give them the chance so I'd say go for it and the best of luck to you!

Original poster
snowbootslikemyboots · 27/08/2011 08:05

Thank you for giving your input, I have been thinking about it for almost a year but i kept changing my mind as i thought i would look like i was picking them up and dropping them as and when suited. All i keep thinking is if i wasnt so stubborn/worried then my dd could have 7 more family members as there is also a aunty, uncle and 3 cousins from that side of the family.

OP posts:
pineapple70 · 27/08/2011 08:18

Definitely contact them. It is fine that you felt closer to your SD anyway, you don't even have to dis uss this at first. They'll probably be delighted to hear from you. Quite apart from your DD, they are your family. Write them a short letter.
Good luck!

redwineformethanks · 27/08/2011 09:02

They've tried to keep in touch by sending Christmas cards. How sad you've not been in touch earlier. Definitely do it. Sounds like they would want to hear from you

pineapple70 · 27/08/2011 09:39

... and stop giving yourself such a hard time!

Original poster
snowbootslikemyboots · 27/08/2011 10:13

Well i'm glad no one has been mean! And now it just comes down to a phone call or a letter? What do you think would be best?! I feel nervous already!

Thank you all again, I dont feel like i can talk about this in RL

redwine I think that might be why i'm finding it so difficult, after it got to a certain point i felt like i couldnt, if that makes sense.

I'm obviously very sensitive and very synical!

pineapple Thats much easier said than done!

OP posts:
G1nger · 27/08/2011 10:19

I definitely think you should. You were so young - you really needn't feel guilty over the whole issue, in my opinion, as you were just a child growing up in complicated circumstances. And it sounds like they've kept the door open with the card they send every year. I'm sure they'd love to have the chance to get to know your daughter, while it would be worth remembering that however they build - or don't build - a relationship with you directly will be a different matter entirely.

I'd send a letter - give them a chance to react without being put on the spot. Send them a picture of your daughter and a short note saying that you'd like them to meet your daughter. Just start off slowly and allow eachother the time to build things from there.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/08/2011 10:28

You have a golden opportunity to get in touch with your grandparents again but you'll only have it once, you've been estranged from them for a long time. If you do contact them, make sure that you establish a relationship with them, you're their granddaughter and without that relationship, there won't be one with your daughter. Good luck.

Thumbwitch · 27/08/2011 11:17

I'd suggest the letter as well, actually. In fact, what G1nger said, totally.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/08/2011 15:54

I'd definitely send a letter. The initial contact is bound to come as a (hopefully pleasant) surprise to them, so a letter allows them to gather themselves before responding. G1nger's suggestion of enclosing a picture of your daugter is an excellent idea.

Explain to them that now you are an adult and a parent, you've become more aware of how separated from your family you have been, and tat you'd like to change that. I hope it goes well, OP.

LineRunner · 27/08/2011 17:20

I would send them a hand-written letter - it can be short, but add your phone number - along with a photo of you and DD. All you really have to say is that it would be lovely to hear from them, it's been too long.

These things do happen - and good luck.

Thumbwitch · 29/08/2011 08:16

Hey snowboots - have you sent the letter? Or are you still composing it? Hope it works out for you anyway :)

Original poster
snowbootslikemyboots · 29/08/2011 14:22

Hello again, I've bought a card for the letter to go inside and have been going through all the photos to find one i like, i've also attempted to write a letter, 9000 times over(only slightly exagerated) but 1, i hate my writing and 2, it sounds pants. Thought i'd give myself a day or 2 to decide exactly what i wanted to say and how i wanted to say it.

How impersonal is it if i type it on a computer?

OP posts:
Original poster
snowbootslikemyboots · 29/08/2011 14:23

wait scrap that i know its crap if i type it.. boo!

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 29/08/2011 14:33

Agree - it would be nicer to hand write it. But you can always type it on the computer until you get the wording right and then copy it into the card/ letter.

ZillionChocolate · 29/08/2011 14:37

I would probably type it out and then handwrite it once I was happy with the text. Good luck, I think you have nothing to lose in trying.

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