To feel like I've failed my son?

[TheEarlOfDoncaster1963]

x-posted in Parenting too:

He's 6yrs 10m, and I feel like there are so many things he struggles with that his peers seem to do no problem.

• He can't ride a bike without stabilisers - we took his off as he seemed keen to try, but he fell off once and that was it, he refused to get back on, so now his bike is just sitting in the garage. He went to a cycling party with DH and had to go on a tagalong bike rather than riding his own as he was the only one who couldn't ride a bike.
• He hates getting his face wet so will cause a huge fuss in the bath if water goes on his face while we're washing his hair. This also means that he can't swim independently as of course he can't get in a decent position to swim if his chin has to be about three inches above the water. He's never jumped in or gone underwater. I took him to a pool party the other day and forgot his armbands, so he spent the whole time in the shallow end with me, wincing every time he got splashed even slightly, and wanting me to 'tow' him around by his arms... meanwhile most of his friends were swimming underwater, splashing each other, having a whale of a time sad
• He won't go into his bedroom alone if we are all downstairs. So in the mornings I ask him to go upstairs and get dressed, and he won't go unless someone goes with him. He usually gets one of his (younger) siblings to go with him, even the two year old!
• He's not dry at night yet... he can go four or five nights dry on the trot, but then we'll have two or three wet pull-ups in a row... I know they do this in their own time, but it feels like it's one more thing that he's doing later than everyone else.

He has no special needs as far as I know, he's very intelligent, reads well, has many friends, and does well at school (the only issue he's had is being a bit of a dreamer and having to have instructions repeated - he is like this at home too, but then so is my DH so it's probably inherited selective hearing!). I feel like we have failed him by not making sure he could do these things before now... my DH works long hours and hasn't taken him out on his bike as much as he could've. I don't drive and our nearest swimming pool is 7 miles away so I can't easily get him to lessons. OK, I could take him on the bus but I also have two younger children so that would be really difficult. I feel like he's the odd one out now, thanks to us, and don't really know where to start to rectify it.

Not really asking for advice as such, more having a whinge and a moan, and looking for mums with similar boys, who have turned out OK and not social misfits in later years! I can't really rectify many of these things easily either -- with two other younger children it's hard to find time to go to the park and do intensive bike practice, and taking them all swimming is impossible as none of them are keen on water and all three would cling to us like limpets!

Oh, and I find myself getting really frustrated with him, as sometimes he just won't even try something, so I get annoyed and sometimes even shout, and of course that doesn't help his confidence when his mum doesn't even have patience with him. I feel like I want to rewind to when he was a baby and start again!

Sorry so long...

My (Aspergers) 16 year old still can't ride a bike. He's not bothered. He washes his own hair now, that way he's in control, we taught him for the reasons you cite, when he was about six. He still can't swim, hates it, but has promised to learn this year.

Sounds like it could be Aspergers to me.

Why don't you organise some one-to-one swimming lessons at the weekend for your eldest DS, and then all five of you can go along to the pool as a family and you will have one adult for each child?

One-to-one lessons are way more effective than group lessons and work much quicker - I think they work out a lot cheaper than group lessons at the end of the day.

And how about a cycling holiday next year, in a nice flat place? All your children can then learn to cycle at once, a long way away from friends, and gain confidence.

Also - does your DS have a scooter? Scooting (on a good quality, fast scooter) is great for learning to cycle - nearly all the DCs I know here in Paris all scoot like crazy and basically just jump on a bike and head off when they are 5/6. My DD only needed about 30 minutes practise with DP to learn to ride a bike (and she did a 10km round trip on a bike the following week!).

I'm 44, I still can't ride a bike. I can, however, do lots of other things and have a good sense of balance. I just can't ride a bike.

Be weary of people stating it could be Aspergers of special needs op. Of course if you have concerns, then speak to the appropiate people but in my experience of mumsnet if a child doesn't fit narrowly defined criteria people are too keen to find something 'wrong' with them.

I think if your ds is happy, has friends and is doing okay at school you have nothing to worry about. I really understand your concerns but I think some children are sensitive and have their quirks. There is so much pressure now for children to reach certain standards.

My ds loves going into a pool but is behind his peers as he cannot swim on his own. I tried swimming lessons but they were a disaster. Some idiot instructor pushed him under without warning so I took him out of lessons. It was ridiculous, this need to 'push' them. They are young children for goodness sake. I now take him and just let him splash and have fun.

I have also found myself at times getting irritated when my child seems to be behind, but I realise it is the cultural conditioning we have all been brainwashed by. I know inherently it doesn't matter a jot if they are behind in some things. Of course if there is significant developmental delay, that is affecting their ability to adjust and function that is different.

I took my two year old daughter to an art group for toddlers as she loves drawing. The teacher was expecting them to cut out pictures from holiday brochures and stick them on a collage, with reference to their summer holiday. My dd showed great individuality and soon expressed her lack of interest in it (I mean should two year olds be expected to relate some picture in a brochure to a holiday ) and drew instead. The teacher made some reference to her lack of concentration and I was getting stressed because the other toddlers were sitting nicely and apparently enjoying it. Then I thought stuff it, this is ridiculous! My dd sits through long stories, is really good at that. Its just is an example of what we are discussing, how we can expect something from a child and actually they are just being individuals, or too much is being expected of them.

I still suck my thumb as an adult, my parents could never get me to stop. Okay it isn't a great look, but it hasn't ruined my life!

I also think it is really common for boys this age to still have wet nights and I know my Grandma didn't learn to ride a bike until she was in her fifties!

all sounds pretty normal to me

so what if he is late doing some stuff, i bet there is stuff he can do that others cant

please dont give him issues and labels and make him go through examinations and prodding and poking, thats bound to knock his confidence if he is continually told "there is something wrong with you" - just let him develop at his own pace

Be weary of people stating it could be Aspergers of special needs op. Of course if you have concerns, then speak to the appropiate people but in my experience of mumsnet if a child doesn't fit narrowly defined criteria people are too keen to find something 'wrong' with them.

this ^^ but in some cases some parents look for a label so that they dont have to tackle the actual problem

No one has mentioned Aspergers or SN. Dyspraxia is a physical disabilility, coming under the umbrella of DCD - Delayed Co-ordinadation Development.

Nothing with with labels if they are accurate, and help you understand your child, your child to understand themselves, and the world around them to understand them.

Op you little one sounds just like my 10 year old. I have managed to get him to swim quite well but oddly, he still hates hair washing. He is a very gentle soul who takes life very, very seriously. I have taken him for assessments and was told there was nothing wrong and that he was a very sweet, wise and honest child.

He does well academically but is shy socially. He has two friends and is quite happy with that.

Sometimes, they just dont fit the "normal" mould but that doesnt make them wrong, just different. My heart breaks for him sometimes but our jobs as parents are to make our children the best person we can out of the person they are. Strengthening their strengths and giving them confidence in who they are - not in what the world wants them to be.

As hard as it is, try and remember that the only parent who will raise the perfect child is a perfect parent, which doesnt exist.

Your DS sounds a bit like mine he only learnt to ride his bike this summer age 7 and 11months. mind you he learnt in 3 afternoons- fell off age 5 and had refused to get back on.

Hates football

Took 2 years to learn to swim but is now in the swimming team faster swimmer than his dad

He is very sensitive- gets me to cut labels off clothes- hates the scratchy feeling- has lots of irrational fears and worries

But he is top of his year in reading very bright very caring .
Has friends and I think he's happy

He is becoming more and more confident

We have enough guilt as mums -you are doing ok-your DS sounds fab.

Was going to reply to foreverwino but see that Custardcake has it covered. My gp said that they wouldn't do anything about dd's bedwetting until she was older (she was 8 when she stopped, 7 when I asked) and that it was far more common than you'd imagine. I found this out for myself when I spoke to friends about it - there were quite a few who'd had or were having similar with their dcs. Ds2 had psychological problems about pooing in the toilet (which caused problems for years in the end :( ) so the last thing I wanted to do was make any fuss about it in case it made her feel bad.

Poor you, but please don't blame yourself or feel you have failed. Here are a few of the things that I had wept about by the time my kids reached 7 years old - it wasn't all one of them, thank goodness!

-Didn't toilet train at all until 4 years old
-Still in Level 1 swim class in the toddler pool after 2 years (Why did I bother?)
-Not dry at night ever - and that went on until the age of nearly 10
-Couldn't ride a bike (cried about possible dyspraxia)
-Couldn't read (cried about possible dyslexia)
-Hated having hair washed (cried about smelly hair)
-Wouldn't converse with adults (cried about possible ASD and social problems)
-Didn't seem to be able to make friends (cried about social problems)
-Manic regular hand washing (cried about OCD)
-Couldn't catch a ball (cried about dyspraxia)

There's probably more, but I've blanked it out over the years! Every one of those things has just sorted itself out over time and they are completely normal, gigantic teenagers now. They can swim, ride bikes, read, have friends, play sport, do fairly well at school and never, ever wet the bed! (Bathroom floor is another matter still for the boys ...)

I didn't do very much actively, but I did wait for the right moment to pounce each time. "You're going to be going on a school trip later this year. Would this be a good time to try getting through the night without pull-ups?" Funny how that worked ...

You are understandably upset at him being "different" and feel that other people are judging you.

Accept him as he is, and make a long list of all his good points from your perspective and that of other people - biased and unbiased. Then relax. If people comment, say "well, he doesn't ride a bike yet, but he loves to play football", or whatever. (I know 15 year olds who can't ride a bike, BTW.) Look at his good points and try not to worry about the rest of it. If you are really worried, talk to your GP - and don't take hm with you when you go.

Good luck, take care.

My son had retained reflexes which made him a bit clumsy with running, poor balance used to trip up quite a lot, he was also very sensitive and easily wound up, a bit of a worrier etc.

We have been working with an Occupational Therapist for a while now (DS1 just turned 8) and the the difference is really noticable. E.G. She got him to do a task with his right hand and his left hand automatically mirrored what the right hand was doing; its easy to see why that would make you clumsy. He has also calmed down a lot.

Out of interest did your DS crawl much as sometimes failure to crawl can mean some reflexes are not properly integrated?

It might be worth getting your DS checked by an Occupational Therapist who can check for physical developmental issues as they will be able to develop a programme to help him if there is any problems.

Your DS sounds like a lovely boy but I understand your frustration with the refusal to try when I used to watch other children scrambling up climbing frames etc whilst I had to help DS1 around the navigate the bottom levels (now there is no stopping him on climbing frames, he can ride his bike and he is gradually getting the hang of swimming after 2 years of lessons with school).

I nearly cried when the OT showed me the problems that DS1 was having partly out of relief that he could be helped and partly out of guilt for not realising sooner how hard he was having to work to manage everyday things.

ok, we're back - been out for the day!

No, he has never been tested for dyspraxia. I'm going to read up on it. He is a little accident-prone, and was never a 'climber', unlike my DD who is regularly halfway up the bookshelf... he was a later-than-average walker, about 16 months, but yes, he did crawl for a long time. Has hit other milestones on target more or less.

To whoever asked about my driving - I have had lessons, in between pregnancies, but never got to the point where I was good enough to put in for a test. At the moment we just can't afford the lessons. I'm not a particularly keen driver but I do find it frustrating sometimes (and of course I'm nearly the only one out of my friends who can't drive - so i know how it feels to be the one that can't do something... )

DS does not like loud noises - especially things like hand-dryers in toilets. If there's a particularly noisy lorry going past he will put his hands over his ears, as most people would, but then he keeps them there for about five minutes afterwards! He's not fussed about labels in clothes or the 'feeling' of things. It's just water and loud noises really. Oh, and going in his bedroom. I'm going to start easing up on that - my strategy was to just say "don't be silly, what exactly do you think will happen? Just go and get your socks, for god's sake!". Not helpful, I know, but it's so frustrating when you're trying to get everyone out of the door! So my new tactic will be to make sure his curtains are open (he shares with his sister btw) and then go with him to get his stuff. Also I will try to get out of him what exactly is worrying him. He does have a nightlight that dims.

ghostofstalbans "when he's older it will so not matter and you will be angry that you spent his youth stressing about him" - so true. A bit like when you have a newborn and you stress about things that you can't even remember now!

chewbacca your son sounds just like mine :) He has his own little interests which he gets very into, so i think he's not very physical. He did show an interest in football so my DH took him along to the local team kickabouts, but DS seemed to find it too much like hard work - expected the ball to be kicked to him, rather than having to run after it! He went about three times then lost interest. All his male friends seem to be quite sporty - doing tennis, swimming, karate etc (and excelling!) so I'm probably comparing him with them which is not sensible!

Waltons you made me laugh - thank you! I'm sort of looking forward to the hulking teenager stage, for some reason.

When we did the cycling party, my DH got really frustrated beforehand, and was saying really unhelpful things like "Well, you need to do this, because X has been riding without stabilizers since he was THREE!" I pointed out that X's dad had bought him a balance bike when he was two, had taken him out EVERY weekend on it, and was a keen cyclist himself so had obviously prioritised cycling. I think DH was a bit embarrassed that DS couldn't ride on his own, and thought that it sort of reflected on him as a dad. TBH DS didn't care that he was the only one on a tagalong and the other kids didn't say anything.

Chaz how did you get a referral to an OT? I'm sure there's nothing specific that he does or doesn't do that a HV or GP would refer for... he doesn't have brilliant balance but doesn't really trip or anything. Just trots along in his own little world on sports day, as if speed isn't that important :)

FWIW, I don't think he has Aspergers - he has lots of friends, both boys and girls, is very affectionate and has if anything, too much empathy - the other day in a bit of a strop I chucked his teddy on the bed and he burst into tears saying that I'd hurt him! Dyspraxia might be an option but I too am wary of labelling children... but I will look into it.

nb: I am obviously NOT an Asperger's expert - but i understand that some children with it lack empathy and find it hard to relate to their peers and be affectionate. Please feel free to correct me!

Don't look for labels at this age unless you think there is something very much amiss.

Around 9 years old is the right time to start thinking about any issues unless they are really obvious. I was mugged by the "label brigade" when my DS was 7. It was far too young.

I was reluctant to let ds (just turned 7) have a sleepover at his best friends house because he is still wet most mornings. Best friend has the same problem! He was quite happy to stay over as long as he had his pull ups. People only talk about these things if you specifically ask them about it :-)

No, i won't get drawn into the label thing. I am going to ring the school nurse in September, though, about the night-wetting as it can take up to four months to get an appointment, and by that time he will be 7.3m, (and of course might be dry by then anyway).

I am just keeping him in pullups until we have about a month of dry ones! He was dry for a month just after Christmas and it slowly crept back up and one month it was about 10x in one month so we went back to pullups (he is too heavy to lift and sleeps too heavily to wake to go for a wee - in fact I think that might be part of the problem, he would sleep through a bomb!).

Too many 'months' in that post above, sorry.

I found a private OT after reading up on retained reflexes. I think an initial assessment cost me about £150 (in London).

Here is a link to some of the effects of retained reflexes link and a bit more detail link

They may not fit your son but it might be worth a read.

^Self Help/Independence Skills
Difficulty with fastenings, buttons and learning to tie shoe laces
Messy eating
Dribbling
Poor organisation
Persistent desire for oral stimulation

Continued bed wetting^

He's not great with buttons but half of it is not being bothered to try - half the time when he "can't" he ends up doing it himself because I'm busy. Haven't even tried laces yet! He is quite a messy eater... and the bedwetting but I think for his age he's OK, more dry than wet usually.

^Academic Skills
Difficulties learning to read / dislike of reading
Copying difficulties, slowness, mistakes etc
Handwriting difficulties
Poor written expression of ideas
Reversals of letters and numbers after the age of 8 years
Poor concentration
Poor memory
Difficulty shutting out background noise
Ocular-motor and visual perceptual problems
Photosensitivity^

I would say these are all NOs - he reads v.well and his handwriting is a bit messy and large but not out of the ordinary for Y1/2. He has the memory of an elephant and can concentrate on a film or a self-chosen activity for hours.

^Coordination, Balance and Physical Activities.
Poor posture
Odd walking/running gait
Clumsiness
Tendency to walk on toes^

These ring more bells - he does turn one leg in slightly and runs with an odd gait. I did mention it to a physio friend of mine and she said if it doesn't cause him any pain or problems then it was fine. Hmmm... my DH is a bit bandy-legged so I thought it was just that! interesting list - thanks, I will keep it in mind if some things don't resolve themselves.

Must go to bed,but thanks for all your ideas :)

I hardly ever post on here, but even though I see a lot of other people have already said similar things I had to respond to this thread (although I'm a girl, if that makes any difference). Sorry for length...

I didn't learn to swim until I was almost eight years old - in fact I remember being absolutely terrified in junior school when I was told we would be having swimming lessons later in the year. As for loud noises, I was also scared of hand-dryers and so on until I was twelve or thirteen. In fact, until I was about nine I would always unlock the toilet door before flushing, so I could sprint out without having to hear the water running :o I was scared of heights and would never climb trees even when all my friends were calling me to come up, hated rollercoasters (still do) and hung around awkwardly at theme parks while my friends had fun, lay awake at night worrying that our house would get bombed or that an earthquake would destroy my street (in London!), refused to do anything without my friends, cried when the weather was hot, never wanted to go to other countries because I was afraid of foreign people... I could make a list as long as tomorrow of the things I was scared of or just generally a bit rubbish at when I was younger. I drove my parents mad by screaming, crying and refusing to even try to do the simplest things - and all this went on until I was several years older than your son.

Now I'm 21 and I think I'm relatively normal In fact a few years ago I spent a month in another continent with a group of strangers from all round the world - we climbed mountains, jumped off the side of ships into the sea, trekked through the desert and generally had the best time ever! Even my parents were surprised - and all that in a semi-war zone where bombings and so on weren't uncommon. I grew out of most of my fears in the end, and those I still haven't got over hardly ever affect my life. I have no doubt it'll be the same for your son when he's older.

Of course you haven't failed him! One of the hardest things about becoming a parent is that you have absolutely no idea what your children are going to be like. There's so much pressure for parents to bring their children up to be perfect, but of course that's not possible - and even if it were, so much of their personality is out of your control. It must be hugely frustrating for you to see him have a hard time doing things that seem so easy to us as adults, like putting his head underwater, but the fact is that it's completely normal for children to be afraid of ridiculous things and generally behave irrationally! Even though you might (understandably) lose your patience sometimes it sounds like you're being really positive - not pushing him too much, focusing on his strengths and so on - you just need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself. I'm too young to know much about being a parent, but to me he sounds like a completely normal boy and I really, really wouldn't worry - he's only six, there's plenty of time ahead for him to grow up. If he's still scared to go into his room alone when he's 30, then you've got problems!

Oh and by the way, one of my friends - who's the nicest person I know and generally loved by everyone - got her A-level results last week. She got an A* and two As and is going to study Classics at Oxford - and she still can't ride a bike!

No you haven't failed him.

DS is 7 and a half and he can't ride without stabilisers yet. He is getting closer with his confidence as he has learnt to ride a two wheeler scooter. He will only go in the water with goggles and even prefers them on when we wash his hair. He is getting better at going to his room, but at 6 he didn't like to. He was only out of pull ups at night time after he turned 7. And he refuses to use hand dryers, hates fire alarms and other loud noises.

He DOES have Aspergers but he has the big social issues and obsessions that alerted us to it. He is very affectionate though.

All children are different :)

I'm still watching this conversation EOD because i'm finding the similarities fascinating.
I am begged not to use the hand dryer when we're out, DS is a v slow runner, doesn't seem to focus on getting to the end at any speed etc. His handwriting is very messy.
Was very interested in the links and lists, DS does exhibit some of the things but def not all and I imagine most children display some but not all of these features.
I would add that we are 1 school year on from you (just going into year 3) and it was in year 2 that I started to get more confident that he was actually alright, that he was doing well.
Also on the swimming thing, my DS has had a weekly swimming lesson since he was a baby so he HAS learned to swim, but there were times, especially around reception that he cried every week before the lesson, mainly because it was then they were really insisting on putting the face under. He mastered it eventually and now (again, during year 2) it's really come together and he's got really fast and loves racing and will even snorkel (only in a pool though?!) hasn't stopped the hair or face washing issues but at least he's now got great confidence in his swimming.
I really wish you luck and hope he has a great year 2 and starts to really find his 'place' and you can all feel confident that he's doing brilliantly, albeit not quite as you might have originally thought. I was quite a sporty, fearless, go getter as a child myself so it certainly is different for me but I think he's so interesting and I really admire him.