To feel like I've failed my son?

[TheEarlOfDoncaster1963]

x-posted in Parenting too:

He's 6yrs 10m, and I feel like there are so many things he struggles with that his peers seem to do no problem.

• He can't ride a bike without stabilisers - we took his off as he seemed keen to try, but he fell off once and that was it, he refused to get back on, so now his bike is just sitting in the garage. He went to a cycling party with DH and had to go on a tagalong bike rather than riding his own as he was the only one who couldn't ride a bike.
• He hates getting his face wet so will cause a huge fuss in the bath if water goes on his face while we're washing his hair. This also means that he can't swim independently as of course he can't get in a decent position to swim if his chin has to be about three inches above the water. He's never jumped in or gone underwater. I took him to a pool party the other day and forgot his armbands, so he spent the whole time in the shallow end with me, wincing every time he got splashed even slightly, and wanting me to 'tow' him around by his arms... meanwhile most of his friends were swimming underwater, splashing each other, having a whale of a time sad
• He won't go into his bedroom alone if we are all downstairs. So in the mornings I ask him to go upstairs and get dressed, and he won't go unless someone goes with him. He usually gets one of his (younger) siblings to go with him, even the two year old!
• He's not dry at night yet... he can go four or five nights dry on the trot, but then we'll have two or three wet pull-ups in a row... I know they do this in their own time, but it feels like it's one more thing that he's doing later than everyone else.

He has no special needs as far as I know, he's very intelligent, reads well, has many friends, and does well at school (the only issue he's had is being a bit of a dreamer and having to have instructions repeated - he is like this at home too, but then so is my DH so it's probably inherited selective hearing!). I feel like we have failed him by not making sure he could do these things before now... my DH works long hours and hasn't taken him out on his bike as much as he could've. I don't drive and our nearest swimming pool is 7 miles away so I can't easily get him to lessons. OK, I could take him on the bus but I also have two younger children so that would be really difficult. I feel like he's the odd one out now, thanks to us, and don't really know where to start to rectify it.

Not really asking for advice as such, more having a whinge and a moan, and looking for mums with similar boys, who have turned out OK and not social misfits in later years! I can't really rectify many of these things easily either -- with two other younger children it's hard to find time to go to the park and do intensive bike practice, and taking them all swimming is impossible as none of them are keen on water and all three would cling to us like limpets!

Oh, and I find myself getting really frustrated with him, as sometimes he just won't even try something, so I get annoyed and sometimes even shout, and of course that doesn't help his confidence when his mum doesn't even have patience with him. I feel like I want to rewind to when he was a baby and start again!

Sorry so long...

You've had some good advice (agreeing especially with tethersend) and you certainly haven't failed him. None of these things are out of the ordinary and he might have some sensory or coordination issues which make this all stuff more difficult for him.

He sounds like he has a great imagination is fussy about his face, DS2 is the same hairwashing was awful until a couple of years ago, my oldest hates anything he doesn't find easy which isn't a lot, ds2 also hates being upstairs or down alone, and we've never had a bed wetting issue, but that's just luck!

I cant swim, you dont have to ride a bike.
He is well adjusted, he has friends, is clever and sounds lovely.
You a brilliant mum as you are worried about him.
Give youself a break and enjoy him.

My ds is similar in some ways he's now 7 and a half. He Has just learnt to ride his bike this week. Monday he couldn't ride, today he went off for a 3 mile ride with my dad. He literally got on his bike wobbled a bit, I gave him lots of encouragement and shouted which of course helped neither of us and off he went. Amazing.

Swimming, he learn't last summer and has really blossomed this summer but just doing it in his own time. Refuses to go to swimming lessons but I think it will just come when he's older.

Re his bedroom, can you make sure there's always a light on, does he share with siblings? Would that be easier?

A friend called this morning asking ds to his house to play, ds refused saying he' d rather stay at home. You can't win, they have to be allowed to make some decisions!

I'm sure he's fine, concentrate on the other two and as soon as they are doing things like riding and swimming I'm sure he'll want to be too.

Sounds like my son at that age, he is also scared of being alone anywhere in the house and jumps and yelps if he hears you coming

Re bike riding - lower the seat so his feet are flat on the floor, remove the peddles and let him learn to balance. We tried the whole stabiliser thing with ds1 and he eventually learnt to ride a bike in the balance manner when he was 6 1/2. Ds2 had a balance bike from 3 years old.

Ds1 learnt to scoot along with the bike, took him 20 minutes to perfect. Went to a park where there was a little hill for him to go down so he could get speed up and just lift his feet up.

Then we put the peddles back on whilst at the park (took tools with us) got him to balance whilst rolling down a tiny hill (with a very long path) and just put his feet on the peddles. Then held our breath as he actually rotated them.

Bath times were the same, but in yr3 at school they went swimming every week, now he sticks his own head under the water in the bath and at swimming, pours jugs of water over his own head in the bath.

Re wetting the bed, unless they are producing the hormone vasopressin he will still wet the bed, it's the hormone that suppresses urine production at night. Try to have his last drink 1 1/2 hours before bedtime, we went down the drug route for school trips and holidays. So my son was on desmopressin and this made him totally dry so we know it is the hormone. GPs don't usually worry about children wetting the bed unless they are over 10 years old.

Ds1 would be yelling at me that he couldn't fasten his polo shirt buttons when I refused to do them when he was 6, but whilst he was yelling he was actually fastening them himself. This went on daily for months and months.

Ds1 is now 8 1/4 and can ride a bike, swim (almost) practically dry at night, and has a lovely circle of friends who are all like him.

In contrast ds2 is gung-ho, brave, outgoing, headstrong and a worry

OP, I have one just like that, everything you've mentioned he does (except the dry at night thing).

He'll be 7 in January. Refuses to have stabilisers taken off bike, can only just ride it with them on tbh.

He won't swim without armbands, gets very clingy and upset.

He won't go upstairs on his own (frightened, I think) and tries to persuade his brother to go with him.

His teacher says she has to repeat instructions, as he's often off in a world of his own.

I think mine has a problem with co-ordination. I think he's inherited it from me. I still can't ride a bike. My parents took the shouting approach, it didn't help - I genuinely wanted to do it, but couldn't make my limbs obey my brain's instructions.

Because I remember what it was like I am taking a gentle approach and not forcing any issues. Also, it's not fun taking him out of on his bike, as he tends to end up crying.

He goes into year 2 in September and will have school swimming lessons. He may be the only one still with armbands. We shall see - I don't think peer pressure will make any difference though.

How old are your boy's younger siblings? My second boy is 19 months younger, and he often does things first, this gives boy 1 more confidence to try.

have you considered dyspraxia? He sounds very like my ds. took years to get a diagnosis.

My nephew lived with MIL until last year, and she didn't teach him to cycle or to swim. When he came to live with me, I taught him to go a bike and he's now getting swimming lessons at age 11.

My son and daughter both took years to learn to swim. Relax, play a long game. Don't be hassled by other peoples kids and their progress.

• He can't ride a bike without stabilisers : all three of my dcs were much older than your ds when they learnt to ride a bike (dd (3rd dc) got so fed up with waiting for one of us to teach her, she taught herself )!

• He hates getting his face wet so will cause a huge fuss in the bath if water goes on his face while we're washing his hair : dd was like this. When she was about your ds's age I took her to private swimming lessons. The teacher was brilliant with her. He was worried about the slow progress - I was just happy there was any progress! She's 12 now and is a great swimmer.

• He won't go into his bedroom alone if we are all downstairs. So in the mornings I ask him to go upstairs and get dressed, and he won't go unless someone goes with him. He usually gets one of his (younger) siblings to go with him, even the two year old! When I was young, I used to hate going to the toilet on my own. I would always ask permission so that one of my parents knew where I was going. We had a chain on the toilet in those days and I used to pull it out as far as I could before I flushed it because I was convinced something was going to come out of the toilet and get me. Not sure how old I was but I can remember it clearly so not so young. Maybe he's scared of something like this?

• He's not dry at night yet... he can go four or five nights dry on the trot, but then we'll have two or three wet pull-ups in a row... I know they do this in their own time, but it feels like it's one more thing that he's doing later than everyone else : dd (again) was like this. She was 8 before she was dry at night (didn't help that everyone who discovered this fact would say "but she's a girl - girls are always quick to be dry at night" ). I used pull-ups though because I was too lazy to keep washing sheets.

If it helps, I've got frustrated with my three, shouted at them too and then beaten myself up about it. Many people over the years have said not to do this and I don't do it nearly as much these days but then ds1 is 22 now!

I was going to say dyspraxia as well - he sounds in many ways like my DS, who has never had a formal diagnosis of dyspraxia but ticks a lot of the boxes for problems with fine motor skills, balance, coordination etc, plus sensory issues - clothing labels, loud noises, hair and nail cutting etc. We didn't have night-wetting issues, but that is still very common at age 6.

DS didn't like getting his face wet for a long time, and hated swimming lessons, but now (at 13) is a very confident and enthusiastic swimmer. He still can't ride a bike, though - we have tried a few times, but he really isn't very interested, and I haven't been bothered enough to try again recently.

I'd just relax about it all - be encouraging, but don't push things and give him time to do things at his own speed. And if the multiple mentions of dyspraxia on this thread have rung a few bells with you, you could look into getting him assessed if you thought it would be helpful.

Aww bless him, he sounds sweet and a LOT like my DS who is now 15 and the loveliest lad I know.
He was 10 and his class were doing cycling proficiency, he couldn't ride a bike so we spent a few painstaking weeks going round our estate every sodding night before he eventually plucked up the courage to pick his feet up and ride. Anyway,he was never very confident and still doesn't really ride his bike.. It's fine.
Swimming, well.... I took him to swimming lessons e.v.e.r.y sodding week for about 5 years. It took him 2 years before he would get his hair wet :o. He can swim pretty well now, he is quite confident. I've just accepted tha sports are probably not his thing!

He is predicted great grades at GCSE and has plans for a levels and university. I used to worry about him so much, he seemed so different, not boisterous like other boys his age. He has plenty of friends at school but isn't the type to go out much, he prefers his own company. I make him comeout with us sometimes but he is happy and not getting into trouble (unlike a lot of the boys round here) so I let him be.

He's a lovely lovely boy and I know nobody with a bad word to say about him, I'm so proud of him :) accept your son as he is, push him but not too hard. He is so young and he needs you, enjoy it as it doesn't last forever :)

eldest DD wasnt diagnosed dyspraxic till she was 10yr old. she had never been in a swimming pool really without me dragging her in screaming with her round my neck. she learnt to ride a bike at about 8yr old but is still very nervous at 12yr old. i have only just stopped showering her the last few months. she likes the light on at bedtime
she now has weekly swimming lessons and is in stage 3

Wrt the bike riding -- get him a razor scooter and forget about the bike itself until he is really comfortable and carefree on the scooter. DD4 scootered around for a few months even in the house and it took her exactly 5 minutes to master the bike as she could already right her balance due to the scootering. Intensive bike training is almost guaranteed not to work.

DD4 hated the bath and in the end I gave up trying for anything but a quick scrubbing with the faucet running. She hated the shower too. However, for some irrational reason, she didn't mind swimming -- maybe she had the older ones to keep up with in the pool or maybe it was her fearless little friend, our former neighbour, who spurred her on. I used to stay on a pool chair at the side of the pool and keep an eye open with no intervention or help except for the odd occasion, and the DCs could spend their time doing whatever they were comfortable doing in the water. DD4 started really loving the bath (once I could persuade her to get in; always a lot of negotiation involved) after her first enjoyable summer at the pool, and has now moved on to daily showers at age (just) 10.

DD3 (13) still has episodes where she will refuse to go to her room alone or into the bathroom at night without me checking it first. She recently watched episodes of The X Files, having been encouraged by DS (18), and didn't recover for nearly two weeks. Terror of dark windows, bushes, what unseen horror might be lurking behind the couch took over our lives. When we moved earlier this year she was terrified to the point of hysterical tears that her beloved little cat would run away back to our old house. For a few weeks she went berserk if anyone left the kitchen door open. She sleepwalks and talks a lot in her sleep at the best of times. Otherwise she is fine with a good group of friends in school, where she is doing really well. When she was younger I enrolled her in swimming lessons -- a big mistake. She loved water even as a baby, and was actually at her happiest sitting in the kitchen sink splashing away happily (rarely happy anywhere else in fact), but she would not leave me to go to the friendly teenage swimming teacher, just stood there at the edge screaming blue murder until I led her away with a lot of 'there, there' rhubarb. She paddled for a year or two in the shallow water with armbands and then suddenly decided swimming was her thing. Her goal is to join the school diving team when she gets a chance to try out next year.

DD1, DS and DD2 were textbook children in many ways. DD3 continues to surprise me. DD4 is crazy in her own way. I was the same parent for every one of them.

Encourage him to focus in the process of achieving things, not on the end result. If he is good at school, praise the time/effort/planning/time management skills he puts into achieving good results, and do not focus on the results themselves. A child who is anxious about results or used to having others focus on his results will be easily put off learning a skill that does not come easily because he is used to the gratification that comes with praise for a skill that might come far easier to him than to another child. When things come easy to children in one particular area they sometimes do not have to develop the resilience and persistence they need to learn something that does not come easily. If others around them focus on the end result they can become very anxious and averse to trying if they experience a bump in the road.

I would be very inclined to learn to drive if I were you as someone suggested. It would be helpful to you and maybe to your DS to see you learning a skill methodically and optimistically, making mistakes and picking yourself up, treating the process and the novelty as fun and gaining competence, as well as opening up new chances to get out and about for the children and yourself.

Want to add that DD1 was probably the opposite of your DS; I couldn't hold her back from venturing forth into the world armed only with formidable confidence but no common sense whatever, and it was a hair raising experience for me. She told me when she was 4 yo that she would have her own apartment when she was 18 and described how she would decorate it. From age 12 on she counted down the days until she could learn to drive. Count your blessings.

You need to seperate essential life skills (not bedwetting and not being afraid of bedroom) from 'extras' like swimming and cycling.

Have you spoken to the gp? Personally id see a 7yo who was bedwetting 2+ times a week as a child with a medical problem in need of treatment. He should def be assessed for dyspraxia.

As for the bedroom fear, can you be more specific/?
Eg does he sleep alone? Nitemares? Is this fear recent? What happens if you refuse his request?

It all depends on your beliefs - I consider bicycle riding and swimming to be life skills, and even though I don't drive (although have driving licence - another life skill) and have three children, I consider it vital for my children to have swimming lessons. In my experience children don't learn how to swim on their own, they need proper lessons.

They also don't learn how to ride a bike in one weekend. It takes a lot of practise; as another poster said, it took ages for her 10 year old to ride a bike and now he chooses not to, but at least he have that choice.

At 6 he is young, you have plenty of time for him to learn to swim and cycle, just don't give up on him now. Of course if he does have SN, then this is something for more expert advice.

A balance is a good idea for the time being.

Look, it might sound mad but would it bother you if he were dd? I think we sometimes fear that if our boys are "wet", they will be teased or unpopular; but we want dhs who are kind and sensitive! Sometimes it's hard to be a boy. Chill for a bit, try and book in for swimming lessons ( maybe an intensive course in half term) and leave the bike riding till your younger dcs want to learn too.

thank you for all the wonderful responses - we are off out for the day but didn't want to post and run! Will read them all properly when we get back - but I have realised I need to just relax and let him be himself, and not worry too much. i think most of his friends are very 'physical' which highlights the things he can't do, but i need to stop stressing.

The fact that you even care enough to post on here shows that you haven't failed him.

My DS has just turned 8 and so is the youngest in the class. His best friend is 9 beginning of Sept and so there is almost a year between them. I have to remind myself that a year is an awful lot in terms of development. My DS does have issues with co-ordination but he has just learnt to ride without stabilizers - well, when I say without he can only go in a straight line. I really don't think 6 yrs is old to still need them.

He can swim but that is because he has a one-2-one lesson every week - he couldn't cope or progress as fast as the others in a group. His school have lessons in yr3 onwards and only 5 children (him being one) could swim without arm bands. Again I wouldn't be concerned about that.

Our biggest problem is that our DS lacks confidence and is so lazy which means he wont even try - and that is when I get so cross and end up shouting too which I know is detrimental but its so frustrating isn't it!!

They all take their own time. DS1 could ride his bike without stabilisers at 3 yrs but DS2 did it the week before his 7th birthday. He used to get very bad tempered and throw it on the ground. Just keep going-he will get there eventually.
Try and go regularly to the swimming pool, without his friends around, and justplay games-get used to splashing. One to one lessons are a good idea.
Above all don't get anxious and try and force it. You have not failed. You have to respond to the DC youhave and not the one you want-but I agree it is frustrating.

op, your little boy sounds wonderful and you are doing a great job looking after 3 of them and recognising all of their needs

my ds2 didnt like being in his room alone till he was 8, he thought there were monsters in there!

now at ten he goes in there no problem

the only thing that changes our kids is time, i too worry myself sick about this and that, but have learned they all change with time

please take care and give yourself a pat on the back

ssdxx

Re the bedroom-my dgs[nearly 5] had a similar fear and my dh took him up and sat with him talking about what might be scary...it turned out that he was unnerved by the cover picture on one of his books [Scarface Claw] and by the shadows in the cornere by the wardrobe.
The book was removed and a soft night light was put in the corner but the real solution was a 'Harry Potter' voice activated wand which lights up when he says the 'magic' word.He takes it upstairs with him every time knowing he will be 'protected' by the 'magic'.The important thing is to take his fears seriously and help him overcome them.