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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disloyal parents......

55 replies

Funkmeister · 25/08/2011 10:28

Ive been separated from idiot for over a year now, divorce is underway and all is amicable (ish!). Myself and the children are in rented accommodation while he's still in the marital home (which is up for sale). The children are settled and know the routine of time with me and time with him. Yesterday my mum asked whether i would have any objection to them going round his house and seeing the kids there while theyre with him???!!! I was gobsmacked and said er, well I cant tell you what to do can I (on reflection, a lame response but there you go :-) and said I wasnt like one of my friends that absolutely forbade her parents from having anything to do with her ex, my mum cussed her and said what a silly girl behaving like that.....!! I suppose i feel a bit betrayed and hurt really, she knows what a complete disrespectful twat he was during our relationship and yet she still wants to associate with him.....also, she knows something a bit heavier about him as well which i thought would mean she'd never speak to him again but no......just really p*ssed off today thinking about it }:-{

OP posts:
Renaissance227 · 25/08/2011 10:31

I'd DEFINITELY be pissed off!! Your parents should be loyal to you. Why would they want to see the children (who I assume they can see when they are with you?) when they are with your ex?! Was there any explaination?

Rowena8482 · 25/08/2011 10:31

I can totally understand how you feel! When I left my first husband (to go to the women's refuge!) the next time I went to their house, I fell asleep and woke up to him standing over me. My mam had decided that I was being mean to him and needed to just talk it through, so phoned him and told him I was there. Then on Xmas Day, my parents had a present for him, and asked me to tell him to go round their house and collect it. :-| I'm still not sure just how my mother (who I do love and who is in almost every other way a lovely person) could have been so stupid with just the one head...

Renaissance227 · 25/08/2011 10:32

Big hugs for you xx Brew

Renaissance227 · 25/08/2011 10:33

Shock Rowena8482 That's alwful. How can parents be so blind/thoughtless when they know the situation?!

eaglewings · 25/08/2011 10:39

Is it possible they are trying to remain on good terms with him for the sake of the kids?
My Dad still sends my nephews dad a birthday card etc and we all went to his and his second wife's house to celebrate nephew's birthday once.
My ex bil was dreadful to my sister, but he is still the boy's dad.
It is all a bit raw and recent for you now though so I can understand why you are so hurt

Original poster
Funkmeister · 25/08/2011 10:39

Glad its not just me feeling that way then......also, I have a really lovely partner now and i feel its disrespectful to him too :-\ wouldnt mind but my mums a bloody counsellor :-O!!! She keeps asking me about him too, is he still smoking, have you looked at his facebook page? Im like, I dont know and No!!! I dont speak to him anymore!! FFS!!! Id already had the conversation with her about all this, Im seriously wondering if she's gone a bit Alzheimers.....Its all a bit odd.....hey ho....chin up!!!

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Rowena8482 · 25/08/2011 10:42

In the end I put it down to my mam being a childhood friend of exFiL - they played together as toddlers blah blah, and she just couldn't seem to grasp that Suitable Boy for Husband Material well, wasn't :-| I don't think I will ever manage to properly totally forgive her, but manage to not think about it a lot of the time and not let it "matter" if that makes sense (after almost 20 years this is)

Gissabreak · 25/08/2011 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TakeMeDrunkImHome · 25/08/2011 10:50

That's awful, I really feel for you. My parents did the same thing with my ex-husband, any complaints I made were dismissed as "childish".

I think you should speak up and make it clear that you feel quite betrayed by this behaviour.

Original poster
Funkmeister · 25/08/2011 10:53

Yep, she claims its only for 'the kids sake' but to me its only complicating things.....everything is settled and sorted. And what does that actually mean??!! What need on the kids behalf is being fulfilled here??? So, she intends to have a relationship with him and his new family forever? I have to keep hearing about what he's up to? No thanks!! The kids are spending more time with my mum and dad than they ever have before, my eldest is 10 and they had their first sleepover at nannys last week (he was always resistant claiming they were rubbish and couldnt be trusted with the kids care)......feel like letting that slip, along with a few other nasty things he used to say about them.......grrrrrr

OP posts:
Original poster
Funkmeister · 25/08/2011 10:55

Can I just add Im not asking them to 'declare war' on him??!! I just think as we are now separate entities with separate lives, if she wants to see MY children, she should see them here, on my watch, NOT his!! Im not asking her to hate him or to slag him off (tho god knows a bit of that would be quite nice......) just to support ME!!

OP posts:
CotesduRhone · 25/08/2011 10:59

"It seems to me like your mother is behaving very wisely. If she has no direct argument with him, she can only make things worse by declaring war against him. He is the father of her grandchildren and she did ask."

I agree with this. How is she not supporting you by seeing her grandchildren as much as she can? I think that you should bit your tongue on this and in years to come it's entirely possible you'll be happy that your mum was so adult about this.

We can expect support from our parents but that's not the same as wanting them to behave like stroppy children in order to validate our dislike of our ex.

So, while I have sympathy for feelings, I actually think your mum is being very sensible. YABU unless there is abuse involved.

GodKeepsGiving · 25/08/2011 11:04

God that's difficult, feelings can still be pretty fragile in the first year or so after divorce. Even so, Gissabreak might have a really good point there when she says that he IS the father of her grandchildren so it's worth preserving the relationship. But you are entitled to FEEL betrayed - I think I would too, but I doubt that's your mother's intention. YANBU, just be careful where you let off steam - it's probably better to have the support of your parents.

worraliberty · 25/08/2011 11:05

I think your Mum's being sensible too.

If more parents kept out of their kid's relationships and break ups, I'm sure a lot of them would be less complicated.

Your ex is being divorced from you, not everyone else in the family.

scrambedeggs · 25/08/2011 11:07

your mum is being a grown up and acting in an adult manner

Original poster
Funkmeister · 25/08/2011 11:07

To clarify, the frequency of visits wouldnt change, just the location! So she'd make her weekly trip THERE rather than here! Thanks mum!

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CotesduRhone · 25/08/2011 11:08

For example my partner's ex keeps in very close contact with his parents, above and beyond 'grandparent stuff'. Which is often very painful for me (the things she says about me would blister paint), however, I completely understand that they not only have a right to stay in touch with her, but that it's a much better situation for everyone, and most particularly his daughter.

But to clarify, worraliberty is right, you're not being unreasonable to feel hurt, just that it's (I believe) best for everyone in the long run if you don't put her in a difficult situation.

Original poster
Funkmeister · 25/08/2011 11:13

I think we'll just have to agree to disagree here.....I thought they'd be jumping for joy that they wouldnt have to see him anymore.....like I said, they know stuff about him that should turn stomachs. Acting as a responsible adult, I want to make sure she knows what shes letting herself in for by actively embracing a lifelong separate friendship with him in his new house with his new family without me as her safety net to smooth things over.

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redwineformethanks · 25/08/2011 11:13

YABU. Your relationship with your ex is separate from your parents' relationship with him. You can make it clear that you don't really need to hear what he's up to, but you shouldn't discourage them from seeing him if they wish to.

PerryCombover · 25/08/2011 11:15

Maybe she thinks he needs the help or some other mum madness or simply wants to go to show the children that she is there for them no matter what

Don't think of it as loyalty as that has side and is very black and white

Think of it as the ever widening path of your mother's eccentricity

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 25/08/2011 11:18

I don't see the problem tbh, it's good to keep things normal for the kids.

exoticfruits · 25/08/2011 11:19

It seems sensible to me-much the best for the DCs not to have a divided family.

Original poster
Funkmeister · 25/08/2011 11:19

Hehe, 'ever widening path of your mothers eccentricity'!! Most amusing!! Well, Im sorry chaps, but stepping off the 'be an adult and stop being selfish' bandwagon for a second, maintaining a 'relationship' with a son in law that she professed to think was a twat and didnt have a relationship with doesnt make much sense to me, but maybe thats my problem!

OP posts:
worraliberty · 25/08/2011 11:23

I thought they'd be jumping for joy that they wouldnt have to see him anymore

Why wouldn't they have to see him anymore? You have children together don't you? There will always be events in the future where they and you will see him. Things like School concerts/parents evening/if they get married.

like I said, they know stuff about him that should turn stomachs

And they've chosen to be adult like for the sake of their Grandchildren and not take sides. This doesn't mean they are being disloyal to you...it's not all about you I'm afraid.

Acting as a responsible adult, I want to make sure she knows what shes letting herself in for by actively embracing a lifelong separate friendship with him in his new house with his new family without me as her safety net to smooth things over

That sounds more like you're acting like a jealous adult than a 'responsible' one. Your Mum is a grown up. I'm sure she can manage contact with her SIL as and when she chooses.

Sorry but you really are sounding more and more unreasonable.

JanMorrow · 25/08/2011 11:25

YANBU, I'd feel hurt too. What are her motives for wanting to visit the children there rather than at your place? Is it nearer to her house for example?

If he's done horrible things and she knows about them, then yes, that would make it feel like a betrayal. To be honest, I'd talk to her about it calmly. Tell her you don't mind her having contact with him if that helps but that you enjoy her visiting you at your house and are a bit confused as to her reasons for stopping.. and that you also feel a bit confused that she doesn't seem to mind about the dreadful things (whatever they may be) he did.

Good luck.

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