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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Disloyal parents......

55 replies

Funkmeister · 25/08/2011 10:28

Ive been separated from idiot for over a year now, divorce is underway and all is amicable (ish!). Myself and the children are in rented accommodation while he's still in the marital home (which is up for sale). The children are settled and know the routine of time with me and time with him. Yesterday my mum asked whether i would have any objection to them going round his house and seeing the kids there while theyre with him???!!! I was gobsmacked and said er, well I cant tell you what to do can I (on reflection, a lame response but there you go :-) and said I wasnt like one of my friends that absolutely forbade her parents from having anything to do with her ex, my mum cussed her and said what a silly girl behaving like that.....!! I suppose i feel a bit betrayed and hurt really, she knows what a complete disrespectful twat he was during our relationship and yet she still wants to associate with him.....also, she knows something a bit heavier about him as well which i thought would mean she'd never speak to him again but no......just really p*ssed off today thinking about it }:-{

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 25/08/2011 11:25

I would also be concerned that if she's chatting to you about him and what he's been up to, then what's she she saying to him about you?

Original poster

Funkmeister · 25/08/2011 11:29

All I can say is, if you'd heard and seen the way the idiot has behaved with my family, and me and children, you'd totally get the point Im making here. Yes, Im sure its very noble that my parents can rise above it and continue to see him 'for the sake of the kids' but Im sorry, I cant get on board with that!! Forget disloyalty or betrayal, they sound a bit dramatic......perplexed and confused maybe would be better!!

OP posts:

worraliberty · 25/08/2011 11:33

And why do you feel your Mum is disrespecting your new bloke by visiting her son in law?

That's something I'm confused about

SquidgyBiscuits · 25/08/2011 11:40

I would think it beneficial for your mother to see your children both with you and with your ex. So as they don't pick up on negative relationships etc.

And sorry, but you are all adults. If your mother wants to maintain any form of relationship with your ex she is free to do so, and in no way is that disrespectful to you or anybody else. Just ask that she doesn't bring him into conversation.

You should be thankful that you have an ex and mother who both want to spend time with your children. A lot of people don't have that.

Original poster

Funkmeister · 25/08/2011 11:43

Right, fed up with this now........as per usual the mumsnet 'I dont know the full facts but I feel qualified to slate this person' crew are online........Im referring to a man who was a dominating bully, viewed dubious underage sex sites, didnt give a flying fck about his kids and generally wasnt a hoot to live with. My parents have been useless since day one about this split, making me feel guilty, making out I was mental (just because he was well off ffs) until I laid it on the line about what my life was actually like.....so forgive me for feeling yet again like theyve fcked me over. Thank you and goodnight!

OP posts:

cantreachmytoes · 25/08/2011 11:48

Funkmeister - it's a bit hard to give a response taking into consideration the full facts (viewing underage sex sites etc), if we don't know the full facts! It's one of the downsides to asking for advice on a forum.

Sounds like you've been through it though. Sending you a and

worraliberty · 25/08/2011 11:48

as per usual the mumsnet 'I dont know the full facts but I feel qualified to slate this person' crew are online

Then post the bloody facts in your OP...problem solved

What did the police say when you reported the under age sex sites? This man has contact with your children and your main concern is that your Mum is 'disrespecting' your new man by keeping contact with her GC's Dad?

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 25/08/2011 11:52

I don't believe you....sorry.

If he'd been viewing underage sex sites your mum seeing him would be the least of your worrys and your first port of call would be the police.

I think you're trying to make him sound worse than he is because you can't handle being told you're unreasonable and a wee bit twatty tbh.

PerryCombover · 25/08/2011 11:56

It makes sense that you are feeling lots of different things by this conversation with your mum but you can't expect us all to know that or feel that.

You asked if it were disloyal for your mum to see the kids during your ex's time during an amicable divorce
Didn't sound disloyal
Your mum probably feels the same way.

Also in any relationship there are three truths. Your truth, His truth and the actual truth. You will both think that your version is accurate.
Maybe your mother as a counsellor knows that and wants to provide a stable base for the children to see both their father and mother.

BuxomWenchOnAPony · 25/08/2011 11:57

What I don't get still is why they want to see the dc on his time. Is it just because the time happens to be more convenient, or are they really keen to have a relationship with him?

It is odd in my opinion. It's easy to look from the outside in and talk about them being sensible and grown up, but from the inside it must feel a lot like they aren't being supportive of or even acknowledging you in this.

I think you should ask them why, specifically, they want to do this. They must know it's a bit questionable as they've asked your permission.

There seems like there must be more going on here, but on the face ofit, yadnbu.

Gissabreak · 25/08/2011 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Funkmeister · 25/08/2011 11:58

Just would be nice for people to not fall into the most obvious unhelpful regurgitation of PC advice that anyone with half a brain would have considered anyway :-. I dont want to discuss the internet stuff in a public chatroom, suffice it to say the kids wouldnt be near him if I had any concerns about untoward behaviour. As for my main concern being my mum disrespecting my new man.....re-read the post, that was very much an aside! I give up!

OP posts:

worraliberty · 25/08/2011 12:06

Just would be nice for people to not fall into the most obvious unhelpful regurgitation of PC advice that anyone with half a brain would have considered anyway

Just read that back to yourself for a second.

Are you seriously saying that anyone on this thread who has posted to say you're being unreasonable, is merely 'regurgitating PC advice'??

For your info, I don't 'do PC'. I do however think you're being a bit childish about this whole thing and if you're not careful, you'll end up emotionally blackmailing your parents.

And you have already discussed the internet stuff in a public chatroom so letting us know what the police said is hardly going to be a big issue is it? Unless of course you just threw that in because you don't like being told YABU?

Original poster

Funkmeister · 25/08/2011 12:06

You know what, I came on here expecting peoples stories of how they handled it when they were going through it.....real people and their actual lives.....not endless speculation over whether Im selfish, lying or indeed, twatty! You can keep your opinions, they mean nothing to me, I dont rely on such a chatroom to bolster my confidece or to validate my feelings on this. A few of you have been helpful and I thank you for that.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 25/08/2011 12:08

Ahhh I see you chose the wrong board to post on.....

MindyMacready · 25/08/2011 12:08

So you think your ex is a paedophile and the police have not become involved?

Original poster

Funkmeister · 25/08/2011 12:09

Obviously a most foolish error and one I shall not make again!

OP posts:

Gissabreak · 25/08/2011 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PerryCombover · 25/08/2011 12:28

Can we all calm down? We are all trying to help Funkmeister but sometimes the way a topic is posted doesn't help the advice you receive.

I think you need to sit down calmly and discuss how you are feeling with your mum.

Start by telling her that in the interests of the children

Zanywany · 25/08/2011 12:33

YANBU I have been/am in the same position. I split from by XH almost 5 years ago and my family still keep in contact with him even though they know I would rather they didn't. He was violent towards me and even only a few weeks ago was very aggressive towards me in front of my DC's and yet my DS barely talks to me and yet regularly see's my XH. Although I can understand that they in part do it for the sake of the kids my XH takes great delight in letting me know alot of my family for want of a better word 'took his side' when we split up. My sister even invited my XH and his current girlfriend to a family New Years Eve party at her house and yet I wasn't invited with my DP. The way my family has acted has hurt me beyond belief

squeakytoy · 25/08/2011 13:17

funkmeister, perhaps your mum is trying to help YOU here. By going round there when the kids are there, maybe she is trying to keep an eye on what he is upto in a roundabout way.

You did post this in AIBU, so if some people say you are being unreasonable, then you did ask! If you want a more sympathetic response it is probably best to post on the relationships board.

Also, my husbands ex-wife is still in regular contact with my MIL. She is the mother of my MILs grandchildren, so I have to accept that she will always be related in a way, even though she has been divorced from my husband for over 20 years.

greengirl87 · 25/08/2011 13:33

i agree with squeaky, maybe its a good thing to have a spy in the camp!

catsrus · 25/08/2011 13:39

I still have regular and friendly contact with my ex MIL, she comes round here both to see her GCs and to see me. What happened between her son and me is between him and I, what happened between you and your ex is between you & him.
IT is far better for the children IMO see grown ups behaving well towards each other.

exoticfruits · 25/08/2011 13:50

If I was to split with DH I don't see why I would split with his parents-our relationship stands alone. It would be a bit horrible of him never to see my mother again-it gives the message -'I didn't really like you, it was just duty'.

CinnabarRed · 26/08/2011 08:05

I do think it's odd that your parents want to see their grandchildren in his company instead of in yours. That must hurt. Why is that?

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