Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP should cancel today's visit from DD?

94 replies

nosexpleaseimpregnant · 24/08/2011 08:00

My DP's DD is due to visit today at 9am. We normally have her from 9am today until 5pm tomorrow but this week my DP has had to work over night from monday until sunday. Instead of cancelling initially, he and his ex agreed that he would have her just during the day today and take her back early afternoon. Things were sorted at work, his partner said he could sleep from 1am til 6am which would have given him plenty of rest to be able to look after DD. Unfortunately things didn't work out and everything that could go wrong did go wrong, so he had zilch sleep.
I spoke to him at 7am, and he already sounds like he is hanging out of his arse so I suggested cancelling DD as I don't feel it would be fair on her. His answer? I could look after her for an hour or so whilst he sleeps and then his ex could pick her up from me later in the afternoon (she wants him to drop her off after he's supposed to have left for work).
I think this is totally unfair on everyone involved. It's unfair on DD as her day will undoubtedly be shit and boring. Unfair to expect me to look after her while he sleeps. Unfair on his ex to pick DD up from me, I'm sure I'm the last person she wants to be civil to.
So AIBU? Or should I just shut up and see her in an hour?

OP posts:
macdoodle · 24/08/2011 08:21

Gosh what a cow you sound.
Oh YABU

Original poster
nosexpleaseimpregnant · 24/08/2011 08:22

No he did not leave his ex for me, they weren't together when I met him but I guess she thought they would get back together once it had all blown over.
It does seem that she is a damn sight more reasonable than you lot tho. He has spoken to her and she will be picking her up at 1pm and we will be having her an extra 2 days next week. There was no anger coming from her, she was totally understanding and felt it wouldn't be fair on DD if he couldn't keep his eyes open.

OP posts:
lisad123 · 24/08/2011 08:24

No of you were working your DP would just have to suck it up and deal with it, drink coffee and have a DVD sofa day with dd, like most of us do!

glitterkitten · 24/08/2011 08:24

Yabu. What would you say if you were in her shoes and your ex cancelled contact at the last minute when his new dp was available to look after DD for a while?

EightiesChick · 24/08/2011 08:24

A few questions:

  • Does this happen a lot, or has it been happening a lot lately, and you're feeling a bit taken for granted as carer for your DSD on your DP's watch?
  • Have you got to work today? (I would agree it's different if you had)
  • Had you got crucial plans for today that have to be done today and can't be done with a child around?

If none of that applies, then I say suck it up and look after her for a few hours. She might like a day doing not much anyway. Watch one of Pixar's finest with some popcorn or something low key like that.

Mitmoo · 24/08/2011 08:24

Looking at it from the Ex wives perspective for a moment, the OP has spend hundreds/thousands on solicitors to help her new partner to get contact to the partners daughter.

That would have probably also cost the ex money on solicitors, possibly court cases to get this "precious" contact, then when they've "won" they want to cancel it at the last minute.

If you want to use the courts, and put the child through the hell that is otherwise known as CAFCASS, to fight for contact, then the least you can do it is to make sure you comply with the orders that you wanted.

leddeeburdee · 24/08/2011 08:25

So you adore her yet don't want to spend an hour (or more) with her on your own? Bit of a contradiction there isn't it? Yes, I think YABU.

exoticfruits · 24/08/2011 08:26

You did ask AIBU-no point if you just wanted people to agree with you! I don't see why your DP has to be there and why you can't just do something on your own with her.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 24/08/2011 08:26

It does seem that she is a damn sight more reasonable than you lot tho

Or doesn't want you on your own with her daughter or is a mnetter!

MumblingRagDoll · 24/08/2011 08:26

My DH works nights permanently and there are times when he has to step in fr me on not much sleep....when I'm ill or have to see a client. ...but otherwise I do all the daytime childcare. Your DP thought he could rely on you....he must have been wrong! Iknow t's not "your" DD but really....she is still your DSD!

PotteringAlong · 24/08/2011 08:27

OP, if you ask AIBU you have to accept that maybe you are, in fact, being unreasonable and not just get miffed when we don't all agree with you.

Spend time making a big special cake with her for when her daddy wakes up and get on with it.

You know whn you asked if you should just shut uP and see her in an hour...

herbietea · 24/08/2011 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nothingoldcanstay · 24/08/2011 08:30

DD is only having a 9 -5 day rather than two days and a sleepover? Make the most of it. She is the one who should be complaining that it's unreasonable.

KAZAMM · 24/08/2011 08:30

Use this as a chance to get to know her better if your DP is going to be sleeping. Maybe she wants to see you as well as her father. If you cancel then what reason would you give? That her dad was sleeping? Think about what she would feel then - that you didn't want to spend time with her on your own. That's a horrible message to send out.

mrstimlovejoy · 24/08/2011 08:32

why have the day off work if you don't want to spend an hour with the dc.both myself and my dh have worked nights in the past and have looked after dd with either none or very little sleep its called being a parent

Mitmoo · 24/08/2011 08:33

Why did the ex wife refuse or restrict prior contact I wonder?

Whatmeworry · 24/08/2011 08:36

He has spoken to her and she will be picking her up at 1pm and we will be having her an extra 2 days next week

Looks like OPs got her way....I bet the air turned blue when ExW put the phone down!

The more I think about it, YANBU, but YABACC.....

MilkNoSugarPlease · 24/08/2011 08:36

Jeez Louise! Why even bother asking if YABU when its very clear you wanted everyone to come on here and tell you how wonderful you're being?

Oh, and I agree....frankly you DO sound like a bitch....

FlyMeToTheMooncup · 24/08/2011 08:37

FWIW I think access arrangements work best for everyone when they are relaxed and flexible (IME during 9yrs as a stepmum anyway) however it is far too late to cancel of course. And don't worry about her having a boring day - just because DP is the NRP, it doesn't mean he has to entertain his DD all the time on visits! Mooching around at home is what families do!

I'd use the opportunity to have a girly time with DD and strengthen the bond between you. If she's anything like my DSDs, when your DP wakes up she'll shrug and say "hi dad" and then carry on playing with you :o

Feenie · 24/08/2011 08:38

Poor dsd - having visit to Dad's cancelled at last minute. Sad

ConstanceNoring · 24/08/2011 08:39

OP - there are always if, buts and maybes in these situations.

For one thing when a child has contact visits with his or her NRP, that contact time should be with the NRP not just in the household, - but to spend time with the parent.

But, I can understand your DP not wanting to cancel especially as he has has to fight for contact. He has already had to alter arrangements and then to say lets skip this visit altogether, I thing would be really wrong here.

If you just step in for him and not say anything it will be taken for granted that this can happen at any time and you could soon find yourself having her alone for entire visits while he is working and that wouldn't be proper contact visits would it?

You need to get the right balance between having a caring relationship with her, being able to do fun things together, but she is not your child - not there to visit you alone, but to spend time with her father.

On this occasion though, I think you need to go with it.

LadyFlumpalot · 24/08/2011 08:40

Sorry OP but I feel really sorry for the DD in all of this - I was her once. Doesn't matter what excuse is given, you cancel her day and she will get the message that you don't want to see her. It is bloody hard enough coping with being in joint custody as it is without having one set of parents suddenly change the plans at the last second.

I strongly suggest that when you see her next week you make a supreme effort to show her that her father - and her stepmother - love her and do want her.

Lulumama · 24/08/2011 08:55

I've looked after my children after spending 48 hours with no sleep, or when ill or after a bereavement.... that's what you do as a parent, so you can't expect to be told it's ok not to do that for a stepchild .

don't ask AIBU if you only want to hear that you aren't being unreasonable

surely if the consensus of opinion is that YABU, then you might want to reconsider your stance on this

exoticfruits · 24/08/2011 09:05

It isn't fair to promise something to a DC and then withdraw because it happens to be inconvenient.

ShirleyKnot · 24/08/2011 09:08

I think the OP is being unreasonable; but calling her a bitch and a cow is a bit much this early in the day?

Swipe left for the next trending thread