'I'm pregnant with their baby'

[tryingtobemarypoppins2]

AIBU to find this really hard to watch.....emotional mess watching it!

No question that the girls on TV had bad expereiences, but that's why they were on TV. It doesn't sound like a very rounded sample group from which conclusions should be drawn!

The 'girls' involved in the documentary don't feel they had bad experiences though, in fact quite the opposite. Two of the three are friends with me on Facebook are are really happy with the programme.

"IMO, this is a situation where you should not judge until you have walked a mile in the other persons shoes."

Well, Mumsnet wouild shut down pretty quick, woulldn't it?

I think it's perfectly reasonable for people to have a few moral absolutes.

I don't really care all that much about the feelings and experiences of the surrogates. So what if they feel the show portrayed them well? So what if they're on Facebook bragging about it? So what if they end up with a warm glow and feel they've done a great thing for someone else???

I care far more about the rights of unborn and, as yet, uncreated babies than I do surrogates and would-be parents. The whole thing just makes me very uncomfortable. References to making a childless couple so happy and giving someone the ultimate gift... it's all just so me-me-me, so grasping. What about the child? I know plenty of children are born into less than ideal situations, but there is just something fundamental to a person's identity about knowing where you come from. And the thought that your mother had given you away to someone, just because they wanted a baby. It makes me shudder. Lots of women give up their babies in awful circumstances and adoption is there to help but to create a baby, with the express intention of giving it away, is just wrong, wrong, wrong. I won't apologise for seeing one or two issues in black and white.

Ditto egg donation. I tend to believe our children (and the eggs that make them) are a blessing and not ours to give away.

It is NOT the same as donating a bloody kidney (in case that's the next thing it'll be compared to).

And while I'm on about it.... two gay men mixing their sperm (so no-one knows who's the daddy), using the eggs of one woman, planting them into the womb of another and disappearing into the sunset with the prize..... I can hardly believe its legal. So cruel. So selfish. So I-can-have-anything-I-want... (if I'm rich enough). Elton John, the guy from How I Met your Mother, they all make me sick.

By the way, I used to work in tv so I know all the tricks and am not fooled - it doesn't sway my opinion one way or another.

Finally, I do know that being unable to have children is a terrible, cruel hardship. I know several couples who have had great difficulty conceiving and at least two who have given up all hope. But they have not given up on life.

If it is the children you are worried about there are studies showing that "Children born to a surrogate mother or conceived through donated sperm or a donated egg do just as well psychologically as counterparts who are naturally conceived."

link

MrsMilton - at what point were you the person elected to decide which parts of our body/bodily functions are a 'gift' and which not?

Hello all. Just stumbled across this (i'm here now and then; because I too am a mum, funnily engouh - but you all knew that already).

I'm that poor poor scottish girl that was too young/blind/regretful/sad to be a surrogate etc.

First off I'd like to thank the people here who did say they felt for me. It is nice to hear that people care first rather than just judge as usual in this day and age.

I want to share my thoughts on the matter - mainly because i think there's a few thoughts here that are not far from the truth, but being displayed in a bit of an agressive mannor.

I was not/am not too young, naive or blind to be/have been a surrogate. Nor do I regret my choices. However I do agree that I jumped in too fast with the couple I done it for - I chose the first couple that needed a surrogate and didn't think about looking for a couple that would better match me. I think it is important to have a good relationship with the people you're carrying (and in my case, creating genetically) a baby for, as you are tied to them for a year, and in some cases more than, of your life; it's a long, tough time if you do not get on well with the people.

I started well in my surrogacy, with my health and my chosen couple; however, when the documentary said 'Louise has excepted bare minimum expenses' what they meant there was that the couple got me pregnant and then told me they could afford to give me money, and I had to pay for my whole pregnancy myself.

When the documentary said that I never seen very much of my couple, they should have said that I was supposed to see them, but they were always too busy or didn't want to (and that includes taking time off work to come to doctors appointments etc) - the BBC bought us that 4D scan so that they could film us in the same room!

When they refused to take time of work to come to a growth scan to make sure their baby was growing properly (as i was measuring small and leaking fluid) and used the excuse 'well we've already seen the baby and got scan pictures so do we really need to come?' - I started to feel attatched to the baby, hell yeah I did; because as far as i could tell i was the only one that cared about him! So it was very difficult for me. I created, paid and cared for this baby the whole way through the pregnancy with nothing at all from them, and then had the MORALS to go ahead with what i'd origionally set out to do and not break a families hopes and hearts by keeping their child (which I had every right to do).

I started this with the intention of not trying to defend myself against harsh comments in fear it would come across i was just seeking more attention - apparently us young surrogates are lacking in that area. I just felt the need to have people know why I was miserable. Because I was; and I didn't want to lie about it. These things happen. It wouldn't be reality tv if i lied and told the world i was delighted, would it?

And so it's clear, I don't live in a run down area (i live in greenock, that's as nice as it gets here) and I have a very loving and caring partner and lots of family that supported me throughout - they just didn't want to be filmed. So although i felt alone in my feelings and emotions, i was not alone in my journey, and i thank them every day for seeing me through and supporting my decision to go ahead with it even in times of great sorrow.

And thanks again to those who took the time out of their lives to watch our programme (all three of us surrogates filmed are close friends now). We appreciate all the comments - even the negative ones. If we all thought the same about situations, life wouldn't be as rewarding.

Louise.

Mrs Milton, having knowing couples who cant have children does not give you any insight whatsoever into what people with infertility problems go through. What on earth gives you the right to dictate what is and isnt an acceptable donation?

The arrogance is breathtaking. Could get really mad, but think I will just make a cup of tea instead.

Hi, my name is Lyndsay, I'm one of the featured surrogates from "I'm pregnant with their baby". Can I just say, reading through these comments have been eye-opening, obviously I didn't think everyone would agree with what I was doing, but nevertheless the vitirol or sheer ignorance coming from some posters, I mean, wow...!

Just to clear up a few misconceptions, I am not nor was I ever "needy" with the couple I worked with, we moved fast on account of her impending chemotherapy, but we were never "looking for friendship".
My reasons for becoming a surrogate are numerous, but foremost I felt I had my children young, I have a perfectly healthy womb, and wanted to give back to the world, that is my moral mark on the world, that I made a wonderful woman happy, when her chances were taken from her by disgusting cancer, I'll also leave my mark on the world with how I teach my children as they grow and become good members of society.
For whichever woman posted and seemed to think the baby was ripped from me, it was I, on my first meeting with Joy, who insisted that she should enjoy the benefits of skin to skin, the second most beautiful and primal thing to do post-childbirth (first being breastfeeding) and recommended she "whip her top off" as she surely would've been a bit topless had she been the one birthing.
Also Joy didn't ignore me whilst hugging into her baby, I was still birthing the placenta and needed to lie-down a bit longer as I was tired and disorientated, I didn't need to hold him straight away, he was with his mummy. I got a hug once I sat up and fixed my (very messy) hair off my face!
Both Joy and Dev were completely overcome with emotion, and we had many thanks and hugs off-camera, the reason Joy may have looked a bit uncomfortable is because at that point we had actually asked the director to stop filming for five minutes and she didn't turn it off. (that is another matter) Both Joy and Dev couldn't have been more loving and welcoming inviting my family into theirs a we helped create their baby for them. I was not nor will I ever be exploited by the so-called "middle-class" parent to be. They were lovely and their whole family have never stopped thanking us for bringing Tom into the world.
Thank you to everyone that did recognise I had a wonderful experience and saw that perhaps my grumpiness was down to me having a camera in my face at 8 in the morning, pre-makeup...

thank you for sharing that. I thought your story, out of most was one I felt was fine. It was clear they were a lovely couple who wanted a baby so much. I missed the start, was the baby made with her egg and his sperm?

I think the thing is, there doc only showed an hour and clearly tv is never the full story.

They didn't deserve your baby, Louise.

[bangs gavel]

Well done girls, it was an amazing programme. I was honestly shocked to have come on here and found such hostility towards the show. Obviously i expected differing opinions on the surrogacy subject, life would be deadly dull if we all agreed!
But to try to band ALL surrogates into one large group of 'exploited' women is verging on offensive to me.
I became a surrogate at the age of 22 but didn't actually fall pregnant with someone elses child until i was 27 and gave birth in spring of last year. My husband works in a wonderfully paid job that has allowed me to work part time and raise our children. I am also educated to a high standard.
I decided to become a surrogate for no other reason than i loved to be pregnant and once the hubby and i had decided that 2 was our lot, the thought of never being pregnant again really, REALLY got me down.
In the end it was actually my husband who suggested i look into surrogacy :) and we've never looked back since.

We have contact with my IPs because we are friends and not strangers and they have already started telling the baby(who is now a toddler!) where she came from. It will not be a secret from their daughter because they are proud of the way she was created and feel blessed to have a child.
I couldn't agree more and feel incredibly lucky and humbled to have been in a position to help.

Thank you for coming on to chat ladies, i think what you have done is amazing but Twobobs i have been thinking alot about you today, I'm pregnant and the situation really made me think about if i could do what you did.
Your situation really saddened me i suppose because i could empathise with alot of your pregnancy, my feelings would be that really women should have alot of counselling before entering into such a deal with parents also i don't know if this is true of your situation but i have had PN depression after my first baby and it was horrible but after my second i was very elated, almost to the opposite extreme, loved being pregnant loved giving birth and adored my son, In the year after his birth i was desperate to have another baby it was only my DH that saying no that stopped me. In hindsight he was completely right because i was not really myself and 3 under 3 would have been mental but i felt on top of the world.
What i felt about you was not that you were too young etc but that perhaps your judgement was clouded by the elation you had first felt after you had your son, perhaps with more professional guidance you could have saved yourself some pain. Given that you were disappointed with your IPs did you consider not giving them the baby?

Did you want/have you had much contact with the baby Louise? I admire you hugely and I think you did an amazing job.

Just read the whole thread. I Disagree, I thought that the couple, the mother in particular were very grateful to Lynsey. She could hardly speak at one point as she was so emotional.

A lovely and very thought provoking programme thanks

Don't expect anything less than judgement, sniping and nastiness on mumsnet

Thank you lyndsay I still think surrogacy is a wonderful thing to do for childless people, and you were the perfect example of it working how it should be. MrsMilton please get off your high horse. Do you have your own children? You do not have a clue unless you have been there, I am pg with a dc 2 and its taken 2.5 years and MCs along the way, to be where I am. I am one of the lucky ones. When we were trying for a dc 2 and had problems, then I had a glimmer of what it could be like for people who are having problems ttc.

The child is not being ripped from a mother, its not a commodity, the child will be well loved and taken care of. Its bringing new life in a different way and thats to be celebrated. And providing those people who are childless a chance to experience what most of us take for granted, to be parents and to care a nurture their young.

twobob, im so sorry you had to go though that with the couple you had to give your baby to :( do you get to see him at all?

twobob thanks for enlightening, I don't think that the programme makers did that, they did not give us the full picture. All we saw really was you feeling down, and having a really hard time with the pregnancy, not the behaviour of the other couple. No looking at the fuller picture no wonder you were miserable, you are doing this couple a great service and they acted like they did not give a damn. I thought that lyndsay was a very good example of surrogacy as it should be.

Greenock has some very beautiful parts, too :). Sure, it has areas that are deprived, just like any other city or town in the UK.

Louise I really felt for you, and sensed that something wasn't quite right with the intended parents you carried for. You seem like a lovely and courageous young woman and I admire your intentions. When you were housebound I wondered why they didn't pay for someone to help you get around or come help themselves. Do you mind me asking what your relationship is like now? Do you see the baby at all?

I was supposed to get to see him, but I don't see him at all. As his mummy says, 'i just forget someone else was involved sometimes, i just love my baby'. Fair enough I guess. It doesn't bother me now (6 months on) but the thought of never seeing him again, especially on the run up to birth, was heartbreaking. I'm on citalopram right now for anxiety. I did get counciling after he was born... but again, not with any help from them, i saught it myself. If you go through an agency you can have as much counciling before, during and after as you like via their dedicated teams around the UK. In hindsight I should have gone through an agency. They make sure you're never left out of pocket either, which I unfortunatly was.

I purposely never said anything on the documentary about them being insensitive (or various other things i would have liked to have said about them) because I didn't want to make them look like monsters on national telly. They aren't bad people, they just weren't the right couple for me... x

'They aren't bad people,'

Yeah, they are. Anyone who treats someone like that is. They didn't deserve what they got.

Yes, that's my opinion, but I stick to it.

They used you, Louise. The second they told me to pay up for it, would be the last time they saw my child at all, tbh.

That's very sad to hear. I can't believe anyone could be so heartless after your completely selfless act. It's still very early days so i would imagine emotions will be very raw perhaps in time your relationship with them will improve. You were also very nice not to out them on telly, i'm not sure i would have been so nice.

Lachesis, i doubt your words help how Louise is feeling.