'I'm pregnant with their baby'

[tryingtobemarypoppins2]

AIBU to find this really hard to watch.....emotional mess watching it!

BagofHolly, have you been a surrogate, or used one, to know that it's wrong to expect a relationship with each other?

I have helped make two families through surrogacy and have a wonderful relationship with both couples. I didn't know any of them before and met through COTs. I'd have been pretty sad after sharing something so wonderful with them to just be dropped like a hot potato afterwards.

For me it was important to develop a bond through pregnancy with the couples, particularly the intended mothers. It helped me emotionally to share scans/appointments etc with them and see and hear their excitement, after all, it's all I get out of doing it - the feel good factor.

I am obviously aware that surrogacy is something no couple would choose if their was another way for them to get their baby, and for them it is a means to an end, but that doesn't mean a relationship shouldn't develop.

I still see all three of my surrogate babies and consider their parents friends now. The fact that I gave birth to their children is neither here nor there now, and I rarely think about it.

"have you been a surrogate, or used one, to know that it's wrong to expect a relationship with each other?"

No. Nor have I been in a plane crash but I think that they're bad too.

I have, however, acted in a consultative capacity for the HFEA and have been instrumental in the decisions around legislation and guidance relating to spe donors and contact with their offspring. I also at one point considered using donor eggs myself but didn't have to go down that path.

And I absolutely stand by what I say: I cannot imagine many worse situations where a couple affected by fertility issues are so vulnerable to an eternity of emotional blackmail.

Good for you that you have a good relationship with your receipients. I wonder how easy it would be for them to break it off with you if they wanted?

If you're able, and the recipients are willing too, to have a friendship, then fair enough, but that absolutely SHOULDN'T be a motivating factor, as it certainly was in Shannon's case.

I've been thinking about becoming a surrogate for the last month or so. It would specifically be for one couple that I know who would very much appreciate it (years of trying to conceive, IVF, etc). I'm really glad to hear what the experiences of Geepers and OddBoots have been like. You both sound very comfortable with both the experiences and the emotional side.

I watched the show on iPlayer, and was, I admit, really disturbed by Shannon in particular. She wanted to know about their work, day, etc. Is that not very needy?? I can understand the friendship drawn out of the surrogacy, but I imagine there needs to be a very happy medium. It would worry me if she became a surrogate. I don't think she seemed emotionally happy. The girl from Wales made me feel quite positive about it though.

The big question for me though is how do I find out more about the realities of it all?

I also found the show very disturbing. I didn't like the couple that the Scottish girl was having the baby for. They seemed totally oblivious to her feelings and plight - the woman at one point said "Im close to the baby as well - I have bought all the clothes" The man came across to me as a complete moron. I also agree with the op the people that the welsh/scottish girl had the baby for did not appear at all greatful after the birth. The woman whipped off her top, cuddled and sang to the baby leaving the poor woman who had just given birth lying on her own.

The whole thing came across to me as creepy. Middle class people buying babies exploiting poorer people. We haven't began to experience the fall out of surrogacy yet but we will.

BagofHolly, why would the parents want to break contact? It is just as important for them the maintain a relationship with me, after all, one day they will be telling their children how they came into the world.

Although I don't consider W my son, or a sibling to my children, he will grow up being aware of his genetic connection to me and my children, and hopefully knowing us all his life it will be normal for him. I have to be honest though and say that when I decided to do surrogacy I didn't really think much about the feelings of the child we were to create. I was entirely focused on the feelings of the mother-to-be.

ohhappyday, just to let you know that buying and indeed selling babies in the uk is illegal. Surrogates receive expenses to covers everything she needs, plus a family holiday at the end of the pregnancy.

eurochick because their not really interested in the surrogates their just interested in the baby

And to be honest these people could be any bloody body

People who take advantage of young girls should not be parents themselves thats why this thing needs to be regulated and seen as private fostering or adoption so that the mum and the other people can be protected

Maypole1, people who attempt to leverage the desperation of childless couples in an attempt to fulfill their own emotional needs should also be regulated.

And you're right, any "body" will do. Rent a womb. Why not? Everyone knows where they stand.

oddball what an amazing person you are.

i get way to attached to my pregnancy, i write a diary every day about my thoughts and how i am feeling and it is great reading them back.

i could never hand over a baby i had carried for 9 months.......DH didn't even get a hold of my PFB until he was 2 hours old lol With DD it was when she was 10 minutes old as i was really shakey and falling asleep.

i remember the 1 time i looked into there eyes and the over whelming sense of joy.

I could donate eggs but thats as far as i would go

not forgetting Geepers aswell

I watched that show last night and thought it was very interesting as quite recently I was considering surrogacy for our close friends (who after 5 years of heartache and multiple failed IVF cycles had a little girl earlier this year!). OddBoots you and your DH sound a fab couple and have done such an amazing thing for those two families :)

It did appear that there's a definite class divide - the couples were paying poorer, younger women to have their children. And being younger in some cases definitely seemed to be less emotionally mature/capable of handling the demands of surrogacy (Shannon), some of her comments were just bizarre. She hadn't really got her head around the place women seeking a surrogate were likely to be coming from (desperate for a baby and heartbroken they can't do it themselves for whatever reason, oh and possibly ravaged by other healthcare problems like cancer etc). The Scottish girl with the tattoos looked like she needed a lot more support, felt so sad for her and the little boy :(

Oh and Geepers too - that'll teach me for skim reading/multi-tasking and sorry x-posts with Auntie

I don't think that Louise has thought it through properly, and what it would entail, she is only thinking about it now that she is pregnant which is a bit too late really. As for the young girl, she should not do it, she is too young and as someone has said she has wider issues. Ideally a surrogate should have completed her family first and be that bit older than 21. Its a wonderful thing to do, I would use my own eggs, but pregnancy is so hard that I would have to really think about it carefully.

Wow, Bag, you're a walking advertisement to put people off surrogating. I'll be sure to show my daughters your comments, if they ever get such an idea in their heads.

Doesn't this HEFA go so far as to psychologically screen potential surrogates, to weed out people like Louise and Shannon, who really shouldn't be doing this.

Or is it all about someone using their wombs to get what they want?

You have to wonder judging from your comments stating that you've been involved in legislation governing this process.

There's no doubt in my mind, that when it's done for purposes beyond 'altruism', as in the US, that poor and desperate women, who are not to blame for other peoples' fertility problems, are exploited and used.

'It did appear that there's a definite class divide - the couples were paying poorer, younger women to have their children. And being younger in some cases definitely seemed to be less emotionally mature/capable of handling the demands of surrogacy '

Yes, that's my impression, too, after watching this.

Nobody can say its wrong when they have carried and had their own children. It must be heartbreaking knowing you cannot have children. I am pg with dc 2 but its taken about 2.5 years and 2 mc later to get to this stage, even then nothing is certain until I have a baby in my arms.

'And you're right, any "body" will do. Rent a womb. Why not? Everyone knows where they stand.'

No, they don't. Disgusting.

'Nobody can say its wrong when they have carried and had their own children.'

Oh, yes, they can!

Though more expensive, it seems better to go through an agency as I think they prepare the surrogates and undergo psychological testing.

But they have no right to, yes in theory they can, but do not fully understand unless they have been in the position of potential parents.

Tosh, pigtale. Did you see the thread that an agency posted here about a fortnight ago (probably not, and it's been pulled, for good reason). This place preyed upon both the desperate couples and the donors. They're not charities, you know, these agencies, just a front for exploiting both sides and making money off both.

People have a right to say and think whatever they want.

oh, god, what was the name of the agency? I can't remember and it was pulled so I can't pull it up. Catherine, the OP's name. Agency started with an 'A' (I have a memory like a sieve, thankfully).

They have of course they have, but unless they have been in the position of being childless they do not fully understand.

Nonesense. No one who has not given birth before should be allowed to surrogate or donate eggs, IMO. It is exploitive, IMO, and by your own terms, 'they do not fully understand'.