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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at MIL touching my things

91 replies

Vicky08 · 23/08/2011 11:11

We're on day 2 of a 10 day stay with PIL in their house. I only agreed to it because we'd been on holiday with my parents and it didn't seem fair to not do something with PIL too, they live a 3 hour drive from us. The spare bedroom is quite small but that's fine with me but that does mean that sometimes it's not as tidy as usual. There are four of us, my DC are both under 3 so we have quite a lot of stuff. I try to leave everything as organised as possibe but that's not good enough for MIL. She insists on going in and tidying up herself which means moving everything about, taking things oiut of the room, putting them elsewhere etc. One of many examples is that I had left the baby's bottle on the bedside table to give him after I'd sorted out my DDs breakfast, when I went back to get it it wasn't there, MIL had taken it, thrown out the milk and put the bottle into the dishwasher!!! She said she thought he didn't want it!!! I got angry and she told me that this is her house not a hotel and she can go into the rooms she wants. I realise it's her house and so I try to help her and give her as little work as possible but in mu opinion that doesn't mean she can go into the bedroom I'm sleeping in where all my things are and touch what she wants. DH said he'll talk to her but can't see much changing, there's no way I can stay here for 8 more days!

OP posts:
bumpybecky · 23/08/2011 11:13

YANBU

I think I'd be packing up early and never staying there again

pozzled · 23/08/2011 11:16

YANBU. Of course it's not a hotel, but she doesn't have the right to touch your stuff. I'd try to make an arrangement that she doesn't go into 'your' bedroom while you are there, in return you will make sure that you don't leave things lying around the rest of the house (not saying you do this, just that it shows MIL you are respecting her home and her space).

Original poster
Vicky08 · 23/08/2011 11:17

I've already told DH that I want to go early and he's agreed. It's just so annoying, they're my and DCs personal things, no one has the right to move them around or even worse take them out of the bedroom and put them where they want (she took my moisturiser and put it in the bathroom as well and she came into the kitchen waving around the baby wipes asking whose they were because she'd found them on top of the bed).

OP posts:
InfinityButNotBeyond · 23/08/2011 11:17

When we stay at PiLs they need access to the room (as they have some of their own things in there they need to get to). So we simply live out of a bag - which makes thing tidier and easier anyway if there is nowhere to leave them.

TBH the baby's bottle thing sounds like she was trying to be helpful and she thought she'd wash a dirty bottle that had been used.

You must have stayed with them before? How did that work out? Why do you think that DH will be ignored if he asks MiL not to move stuff?

Original poster
Vicky08 · 23/08/2011 11:19

Pozzled, that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I'm making a really big beffort to keep everything in the bedroom, that's why it may seem a bit untidy at times and I've asked my DH to tell her to please not go into the bedroom but she said it's her house and she'll go where she wants. Ahhhhh!!!!

OP posts:
cakesandale · 23/08/2011 11:20

This could all kick off big time if you aren't very careful what you say..... Sad

nocake · 23/08/2011 11:20

When we have guests staying the guest room is theirs and I'd never consider going in without asking them. If they want to leave it in a complete mess (like my sister does!) that's their problem. It's completely rude to go in without asking. I don't blame you for leaving early.

Shanghaidiva · 23/08/2011 11:21

YANBU - but possibly are bonkers to consider 4 people staying in one room for 10 days

You are a guest in her home, however, she needs to respect your privacy. When I have guests I never enter their room until they leave.

HeadfirstForHalos · 23/08/2011 11:23

I would be leaving, today. Yes it's not a hotel, but you are guests and she is being rude and making you feel unwelcome. I would be telling her exactly why we were leaving too.

cjbartlett · 23/08/2011 11:24

Ten days?!
I can only take two nights at my inlaws and even then I'm ready to kill someone

pozzled · 23/08/2011 11:25

Don't know what to suggest then, four people in one room is manageable short term, but only if you are allowed to have that room as your own personal space. Do they actually want you to stay? Only it sounds more as though your MIL feels like you are intruding, she certainly isn't making you very welcome.

HeadfirstForHalos · 23/08/2011 11:25

Honestly I'm quite cross on your behalf! When our friends and their 3 dc stay over we turn the front room into a temporary bedroom and I wouldn't dream of just walking in.

Gonzo33 · 23/08/2011 11:26

I had to Grin at this. My MIL is exactly the same. Truly pees me off. We always go with the intention of staying approximately one week and end up leaving two/three days later. This is normally because my husband gets more peed off than I do! Plus she has glass everything and doesn't like little fingers on them! Not much use when you have a toddler.

Original poster
Vicky08 · 23/08/2011 11:27

InfinityButNotBeyond we are also living out of a bag but for us it's impossible not to leave somethings on the bed or on the bedside table sometimes (the baby's bottle for example). If the baby's bottle hadn't been full maybe I could understand her taking it but it was obvious that the baby hadn't touched it yet.

Yes we've stayed with them before but usually only for one or two days so we don't normally have so much stuff with us and also that's why I'm annoyed now because we've been over all of this before with MIL but she won't listen. I know from previous experience that she won't listen to anyone, not even lovely FIL who totally loves the DC and so this is one of the reasons why I'm trying to bite my tongue.

OP posts:
TheSmallClanger · 23/08/2011 11:27

10 days is too long a stay for all parties concerned. Can you save your sanity and check into a hotel?

nokissymum · 23/08/2011 11:31

I completely concur with others here, her home yes, but she is invading your privacy and not showing you any respect. The bottle and baby wipes scenario are ridiculous, i sense a bit arrogance in this woman in her approach to "my house".

You should ask dh did she used to go in and arrange his room for him when he was at home ? Hmm

DontGoCurly · 23/08/2011 11:33

she told me that this is her house not a hotel and she can go into the rooms she wants

Doesn't sound as though she wants you there at all? Very unwelcoming, it kind of insinuates that you are freeloading by staying there.

I would flounce to a hotel. Nip it in the bud. Don't stay with her for 8 more days. She's trying to make you feel beholden to her. NO!

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 23/08/2011 11:33

It's very rude to start moving other people's things in the bedroom they're staying in as guests. If it were eg also the room with their computer in and she was miving something from the keyboard so she could use it that would be understandable. To go in and start tidying away your things is just out of line. And who throws away a bottle of milk without asking the parent first???

ShoutyHamster · 23/08/2011 11:33

I'd leave. It's about boundaries - she wants to stick her nib in and make the point that she will get involved in your business if she wants to.

I bet you absolutely anything that there's no way she would do this with any other house guests (imagine friends of hers, or cousins etc.) - because it is RUDE in the extreme. Of course you don't go through guests' things!!! You might need to go into the room but you don't dream of touching their stuff!!!

If I were you, I would politely and quietly make plans to leave, with a nice excuse. Today or tomorrow. If your DH is on side this is easier. Obviously don't have a shouting match - make it as polite as possible, but for goodness' sake make the point VERY CLEARLY that you won't be treated like this. You will get your message across - don't cross those boundaries - or we're off.

First and last visit, I presume. Silly MIL.

Original poster
Vicky08 · 23/08/2011 11:34

I'm glad it seems I'm not being unreasonable. Four people in one room isn't perfect but it doesn't annoy me.

She says she does want us to stay and when we're not here she's always phoning DH and begging him to come because they really want to see us and the DC.

When I have guests in my house I also wouldn't dream of going into their bedroom without asking them first.

As I said FIL is lovely and adores the DC and they adore him so that's the main reason why we're still here but there's no way we're going to last much longer!

OP posts:
RitaMorgan · 23/08/2011 11:36

It is her home, but when DP, DS and I stay with either set of parents the room we're staying in is our room as far as all are concerned. Of course it will be untidy when you have 4 people staying in one room!

I think I'd just accept that 10 days is faaaar too long, and go home. 2 or 3 days tops in future.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 23/08/2011 11:37

'she came into the kitchen waving around the baby wipes asking whose they were because she'd found them on top of the bed'

Seriously??????

How have you resisted the temptation to leave out a selection of dildos and dongs? Grin

If she can't see that this is not acceptable, I would cut this trip short and check into a hotel for any stay over 1 night in the future.

ShoutyHamster · 23/08/2011 11:37

Oh didn't see your last post.

If you've been through it before, then make it clear in the only way she will understand - leave.

Don't bite your tongue, you will do all the relationships far more good in the long run if you set appropriate boundaries and show her that you won't be stepped on. Silent simmering rage is far more destructive to maintaining good grandparent relationships!

Plus, this is mad. You really don't do this. She is being a complete rude oik.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 23/08/2011 11:37

Moving your moisturiser from bedroom to bathroom would annoy me, as would asking whose the wipes were Hmm (who else's would they be?) Hmm, and slinging a full bottle of milk. I'd be heading home if I were you OP.

MrsBaggins · 23/08/2011 11:40

Buy an enormous vibrator and leave it on the bed Grin that should stop her !