To be annoyed at MIL touching my things

[Vicky08]

We're on day 2 of a 10 day stay with PIL in their house. I only agreed to it because we'd been on holiday with my parents and it didn't seem fair to not do something with PIL too, they live a 3 hour drive from us. The spare bedroom is quite small but that's fine with me but that does mean that sometimes it's not as tidy as usual. There are four of us, my DC are both under 3 so we have quite a lot of stuff. I try to leave everything as organised as possibe but that's not good enough for MIL. She insists on going in and tidying up herself which means moving everything about, taking things oiut of the room, putting them elsewhere etc. One of many examples is that I had left the baby's bottle on the bedside table to give him after I'd sorted out my DDs breakfast, when I went back to get it it wasn't there, MIL had taken it, thrown out the milk and put the bottle into the dishwasher!!! She said she thought he didn't want it!!! I got angry and she told me that this is her house not a hotel and she can go into the rooms she wants. I realise it's her house and so I try to help her and give her as little work as possible but in mu opinion that doesn't mean she can go into the bedroom I'm sleeping in where all my things are and touch what she wants. DH said he'll talk to her but can't see much changing, there's no way I can stay here for 8 more days!

I'd leave - yes, her house, her rules, but you aren't her child, you are free to leave whenever you want. Start packing up the car, tell your DH it's home, hotel or staying with a sibling, but staying there for another 8 nights is maddness.

She is making a point. Has to be. There can have been no doubt as to whose baby wipes they were, therefore she was asserting her position as matriarch in the house to show the OP she is in control and "queen." Also, she was dropping a bad hint about you being untidy (which is very unreasonable with 4 of you squashed into one small room and also if she leaves stuff lying around in your house - unless she feels you pulled her up on it and she's trying to get one back on you).

The only thing you were unreasonable about was agreeing to go to stay for 10 days in the first place! This behaviour can't have come as a huge shock to you, can it?

I saw a genius suggestion on here for dealing with a snooping mother/MIL - download the application forms for emigrating to Australia and leave them somewhere she shouldn't look but would.

"She said she thought he didn't want it!!! I got angry and she told me that this is her house not a hotel and she can go into the rooms she wants."

Lets hear the full story then... what did YOU say to her when you got angry?

Ugh my MIL is similar - we are going to stay in a hotel when we next visit. Although she has phoned up to moan at my DH that we are insulting her by not staying in her house. It's a tiny bungalow with paper thin walls and if we stayed there would be 7 adults and our 9 month old staying in a 2.5 bedroom bungalow with one toilet....that's why we are going to the hotel.

The last time she and FIL stayed with us, I found the towels I put out for them dumped in a corner (unused - still folded up) and she had gone into the linen cupboard and got out our brand new, never been used, still with labels on bath sheets (which were a wedding gift and we'd only just moved house/had a baby so hadn't got round to using yet) and used them for her and FIL....what a cow!

You must have known exactly what they are like. It sounds as if you had hope over experience. In future either just go for 2 nights max or get a cottage in the area and see them for some of the time.

It sounds as if she is houseproud-I often wonder how all these people with 'my house, my rules and shoes' off cope with real people'-probably like MIL they can't stand it.

My MIL is like this to a tee, drives me mad, has to feel 110% in control all the time grrr

My parents live in a nice but small place, just big enough to accomodate us when we stay. They let us have their room when they stay but need to get clothes out of the wardrobe in 'our room'.

My own mum would never tidy mine or DH's stuff up in our room. Or even my daughters' room (which was a tip at some points as the 6 year old seems to get all her clothes out at once) Neither would my MIL. If she had another guest, say an old friend staying would she go in and mess their stuff up? Or does she just feel proprietorial because you are her DIL?

The guest's room is their own, you don't touch their stuff, whoever they are, it's just not NORMAL!

when my ILs stay with us i would never go into the spare room unless i asked them if they minded 1st its just one of them things you do,not that they ever come and stay like

when we stay at there s we are crammed in a tiny room with 2 single beds 1 each for me and OH and a travel cot for DS and its like a tip ! we have a bin bag for dirty clothes in the corner then everything else is in some sort of organised chaos as i call it,sometimes MIL will come in to ask if we want clean towels or anything but she always ask 1st she s never just walked in nor does she go in the room any other time while we are there

i also think its rude to go in and touch things,if she had no reason to go in there for anything then she shouldnt have went in,all this stuff about my house my rules is what i used to hear from my parents when i was in my late teens and stopping out all night !! i cant see why she had to say that to you,fair enough if u had her whole house upside down,it sounds to me like she s just doing it to piss u off, i have problems with my MIL and i always feel she acts up more when i vist her as its on "her turf "! i usually persuade OH to only stay for 2 nights as thats all i can handle with her

before we leave there house the room is spotless,i strip the beds and put the bedding and towels in the washer and i empty the bin

YANBU. What a rude way to treat guests! I would seriously consider going home or to a hotel, although I know it's hard when it risks creating a family rift.

She is being very rude and inhospitable. She should be making you feel welcome in her home.

I would never dream of going into a guest's room while they were staying, let alone moving their things about in there.

We've just come back from in-laws, stayed for 3 weeks! They wouldn't notice if we left stuff lying around, tbh, the place is a tip. We do have two rooms (one for me and husband, small one for children) - but live out of a suitcase as all the wardrobes in there are stuffed with stuff.

MIL did not go into our rooms and rearrange our mess. That's weird, rude and controlling.

Agree with Clam about the MIL asserting her dominance to put you in your place - you don't need to up the ante but just cut the visit short, although love Ninedragon's suggestion about downloading the emigration forms!

Vicky, just out of interest, could you drum up the hard headedness to have a talk with her and ask her how she would feel when visiting your house if you popped in and out of the room she was using, moved all her things around the house, so nothing was where she put it or where she wanted it? And point out that you can't cope with this situation and you will stop coming to visit her if she continues - on the basis that if she does things like poor away the baby's milk before its been touched, things can't continue?

Thanks for all of the replies, some very good suggestions here. I'll read through them all with a bit more time and see what we'll do.

Just for the record I never wanted to start a MIL bashing thread. In this case it's my MIL but it would be the same if it was anyone else. It's true I don't get on very well with my MIL and that is something that actually makes me quite sad.

Hmm, I have a feeling that my story makes all others of this ilk pale into insignificance.
In 1991, DD was 8 months old and we ( me + DD) were staying with PILS over Xmas while DH was away (1st Gulf war) - I went upstairs one day and found MIL reading DH's letters to me, she'd gone through a box folder to find them, I took DD back to Germany a couple of weeks later because I felt so violated - I never forgave her, not even on her deathbed.
Her excuse was that she thought he was going to die out there and reading his private thoughts to me of how much he loved me and DD made her feel better! His only risk of death or injury was from over eating in the 5* hotel he was staying in.

Ooh no, she should not touch your things. I had the reverse at the weekend. PIL staying and I glanced in their room on my way past and saw a wet towel on the floor. On my brand new, very expensive carpet. I was so tempted to go in and move it but just felt that I couldn't intrude. Luckily no damage done (never really thought there would be, just a bit OCD over my beautiful new carpet) and they closed their door afterwards. My house but I couldn't go into the room when they were visiting. Just not the done thing at all. They stayed for 2 nights and I could have killed them by the end of it. I applaud you for staying 10 days with yours!

*Malificence that is truly appalling, not to mention a bit weirdy and intrusive-what parent wants a ring-side seat at their child's romantic/sexual relationship? My parents would never want to hear or read the details my intimate emotional relationship with DH. They only want to know we're happy with each other. I think you did well not to bash her head in with the box file.

Crikey, mal, that's awful!

I could understand her asking you if she could, because maybe she'd think he was writing general letters ... but reading his letters without your permission?! That's really odd.

I don't have any advice really but my MIL is the same. Last time we stayed, I was downstairs with the boys (I'd taken them down as they woke up early and I didn't want them to disturb her, so had left all our stuff in a mess in the room, intending to pick it up when everyone was awake) and she went into our room and 'tidied up'. She neatly folded up my dirty knickers and picked up a box of tampons I'd left on the side. I was mortified.

It's not control with my MIL I don't think. She genuinely has a very different approach to privacy. She leaves her bedroom door wide open at night, which freaks me out, and shares all sorts of information about her bowel movements. On the same trip, my son (he's 4) went upstairs and I couldn't find him - eventually I twigged he was in the bathroom with her, while she had a shower. My husband and I had a comedy whispered conversation outside the bathroom door about how we weren't comfortable with it, but we didn't say anything to her. She wouldn't think it was odd.

10 days is a long time to stay with anyone, though. Could you visit more frequently but for a shorter period of time? Do you live very far away?

My friends MIL used to do this to her. When she lived with her for a while. My friend used to come home to find her underwear put away and her sex toys put back where ever she kept them. I wish i was making this up.
I thought it was rude , invasive and disrespectful then and i think the same about your MIL OP.

YANBU. If you are staying in someone's house then I think the room they have allocated is YOUR room for the length of your stay. She has no right to go through your things. I also agree that 10 days is madness...I love my MIL and she is very welcoming, but would not want to stay with her for 10 days, 2 or 3 is enough.

As it sounds like she's not going to change, in future I would do things to keep her busy (and therefore out of your room)....could you not hand the baby and bottle to her and ask her to feed him for example? You could harp on about how nice it will be for her to have that time with him etc? Or ask her to feed DD whilst you gave baby his bottle? Just keep her hands busy with her GC's so they can't be roaming over your stuff. Alternatively put a few sex toys in the room like someone else said!

Are you packed yet OP?! Get thee home before this bad situation gets worse.

Not often genuinely taken aback but Malificence blimey!

It sounds like she quite controlling and is trying to do the same to you. Perhaps she feels threatened and is trying to put you in your place.