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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at MIL touching my things

91 replies

Vicky08 · 23/08/2011 11:11

We're on day 2 of a 10 day stay with PIL in their house. I only agreed to it because we'd been on holiday with my parents and it didn't seem fair to not do something with PIL too, they live a 3 hour drive from us. The spare bedroom is quite small but that's fine with me but that does mean that sometimes it's not as tidy as usual. There are four of us, my DC are both under 3 so we have quite a lot of stuff. I try to leave everything as organised as possibe but that's not good enough for MIL. She insists on going in and tidying up herself which means moving everything about, taking things oiut of the room, putting them elsewhere etc. One of many examples is that I had left the baby's bottle on the bedside table to give him after I'd sorted out my DDs breakfast, when I went back to get it it wasn't there, MIL had taken it, thrown out the milk and put the bottle into the dishwasher!!! She said she thought he didn't want it!!! I got angry and she told me that this is her house not a hotel and she can go into the rooms she wants. I realise it's her house and so I try to help her and give her as little work as possible but in mu opinion that doesn't mean she can go into the bedroom I'm sleeping in where all my things are and touch what she wants. DH said he'll talk to her but can't see much changing, there's no way I can stay here for 8 more days!

OP posts:

Original poster

Vicky08 · 23/08/2011 11:41

She has a very strong character and is used to being the head of the house. Her other 2 DC still live nearby so she feels she can control them but it makes her angry to think that she can't control us, she doesn't know where we are or what we're doing all day every day. In general she is quite a rude woman who says and does what she wants and doesn't think of the consequences until it's too late.

OP posts:

shelscrape · 23/08/2011 11:42

Oh crumbs! sounds like your mother in law is either trying too hard to be the perfect housewife or is just a pain. I really feel for you. I would not dream of going into a guests room other than to close windows/check heater was working etc. but would never touch their stuff. My brother is one of the untidiest people in the land, but I just close the door on his mess so I can't see it. Try closing the door and aksing mother in law to respect the fact that the door is closed for a reason and to butt out while the door remains closed. Best of luck with your stay!

mistlethrush · 23/08/2011 11:43

Next time you see her leave a mug of tea out for a minute, chuck it away and put the mug in the dishwasher... look all innocent 'Oh, I thought I was helping by clearing unwanted things away'.

Does she ever come to your house to stay? Could get interesting if this feud continues.

MrsBaggins · 23/08/2011 11:46

She is lacking in boundaries imho .
I wouldnt dream of touching other peoples things and moving them around.
I think distancing yourself is the only solution -stay in a hotel or travel lodge and keep the visit to a few days.

Original poster

Vicky08 · 23/08/2011 11:47

LOL at the vibrator suggestion, might have to try that one :)

She does come to my house and I treat her well, I never go into her room without asking and certainly don't touch her stuff even though she does leave things all over the place!

OP posts:

LRDTheFeministDragon · 23/08/2011 11:50

I think she is being very rude. But she probably doesn't realize, and I expect it is stressful for her too. Basically, the problem is that you have all been too optimistic about what is reasonable: four people in a single room for ten days is not on. If you can, move out and tell her there are no hard feelings but this is not a good idea and not fair on either her or you.

My mum does the 'this is not a hotel' bit - I think parents of adult children have a tricky situation. After all, when your DH was younger/single he would just have fallen in with the 'house rules'. You will be doing all sorts of things she wouldn't do, and it probably is hard shifting her mindset from 'this is my son, this is family, I brought them up to do x, y and z' to 'this is an adult guest in my home'.

I am arguing her case a lot here because there's no sense in you two falling out more than you can help, but it would annoy the hell out of me. My mum does this with anything you leave in her bathroom - bins it and says 'well, I didn't know whose it was!'. Annoying if you just forgot your new bath stuff.

Pamplemoussse · 23/08/2011 11:50

I think you'll have to suck it up this time but in future stay in travelodge/premier inn/local hotel

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 23/08/2011 11:51

YANBU she sounds like a control freak. "My house, my rules, I can do what I like". Thats fine with own DC when they're 16 or whatever and live at home but an utterly shitty way to treat guests in her house.

I'd cut my losses and leave today and make this the last visit to them. As she's acting like such an unwelcoming prick I'd assume she didn't want us there. 10 day visit is very brave OP. I'd rather have my nipples removed than spend that long with my own parents let alone my inlaws!

mistlethrush · 23/08/2011 11:51

Next time she comes you will clearly have to arrange ANYTHING that is not away in peculiar places around the house - ideally very embarrasingly... nice display of something on the mantle shelf etc - and make sure she doesn't have time to drink anything before it goes in the dishwasher. And swan in and out at inconvenient times into the room. You could even arrange what clothes she should wear for the day when she's out in the bathroom - nicely laid out on the bed.

I only have to put up with MiL taking all contents out of DS's sponge bag and trying to incorporate it into her 'tasteful' array of bottles in the bathroom - you know, the lavender water etc - Calpol somehow doesn't really 'go'

HeadfirstForHalos · 23/08/2011 11:55

I like the vivrator ideas

I bet if you left out a huge strap-on she wouldn't be able to look her son in the eye again for a while!

MrsBaggins · 23/08/2011 11:55

I think its worse than just a bit of rudeness -she is clearly not treating vicky in a respectful adult way .
It is crossing the line to touch other peoples things without any reason.
She sounds as if she knows exactly what she is doing -very controlling

HeadfirstForHalos · 23/08/2011 11:55

*vibrator

diddl · 23/08/2011 11:59

I´d leave now-she sounds awful.

It wouldn´t have hurt her to ask if the milk was finished with, would it?

My daughter use to give up her room when my dad stayed as we don´t have a spare & he used to get huffy when she went in to get stuff & that pissed me off.

But if we had a spare room, I would consider it the guests for their visit & only go in if invited.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 23/08/2011 12:02

The vibrators were mentioned as a joke but it is possible that something similar might work! If you left your birth control out it might just be enough to make the mental leap that she shouldn't be seeing/moving that. Of course she might also present it to you at the breakfast table . Still worth a try though.

ShoutyHamster · 23/08/2011 12:19

Definitely give her some consequences to think about then.

She can't control you - make that clear. Make it even clearer that if she tries to control you, she will piss you off and you will withdraw even more.

Leave!

seeker · 23/08/2011 12:24

And ther was me thinking that "your house, your rules" was the norm on mums net. Along with "your child, your rules"

Oh, I forgot. None of these rules apply to MILS, who are a completely different species and can be exploited, abused, ridiculed, ignored and told off at will.

clam · 23/08/2011 12:26

What reason could they give for leaving early that wouldn't a) upset the nice FIL or b) cause a makor family rift for years to come?
Of course YANBU and I would be seething too in your position, but it's all very well for us random strangers to advise walking out in a flounce when you're the ones doing it and handling the fallout.
Is there any way you could grit your teeth and politely ask her if she wouldn't mind checking with you first before moving the baby's stuff.

nokissymum · 23/08/2011 12:27

seeker why do you do this to yourself ? Doesnt this get tiring ?

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 23/08/2011 12:28

Oh please don't make out this is a MIL bashing thread Seeker. It would be exactly the same if it were her mother, sister, friend etc. You don't go into a guest's room and start tidying away their things. Or present them with baby wipes asking whose they are when they've left them on the bed they're sleeping in. It would be rude if it were her second cousin twice removed doing it.

diddl · 23/08/2011 12:29

"And ther was me thinking that "your house, your rules" was the norm on mums net. "

I agree-but does that mean that MIL should have taken away something of OPs & discarded the contents without checking that it was finished with?

Mermaidspam · 23/08/2011 12:32

My MIL does this too, in MY HOUSE!

I'll come home to find all of my ornaments changed around. Literally all of them, things that have been on the mantelpiece are now on kitchen windowsill, etc.

When we moved house I walked into my bedroom to catch her and her mother going through my bedside table! (I do hope they found some certain things I kept in there! )

exoticfruits · 23/08/2011 12:33

So does that mean it is never 'my house my rules' or does it just apply if you are reasonable?

LRDTheFeministDragon · 23/08/2011 12:33

seeker - isn't 'my house, my rules' something that applies to children? These are adults: the OP has never even been this woman's child.

TBH, I can understand the bottle thing completely - it was just a mistake. It's the whole issue of what's appropriate with an adult in your home and how you as an adult cope with the fact your child is now grown up. I bet it's not easy but that surely means the OP should not try to stay 10 days in one room, not that the OP should accept her MIL doing whatever she likes?

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 23/08/2011 12:37

And to balance this for Seeker, one of my SILs has a mother who was like Mermaidspam's MIL. She doesn't do it now she's married but when she was in her late 20s and had her mother to stay she's come home from work to find things rearranged, or her that her mother had borrowed a sweated because it was chilly - a sweater that had been packed away in a box in the top of her wardrobe!

Pandemoniaa · 23/08/2011 12:40

This "treating the house like a hotel" business so often completely misses the point by the people so keen to sling this accusation around. Because I don't know of any hotels where the staff wander around moving guest's possessions into other rooms, let alone saunter around the building aimlessly seeking to repatriate baby wipes with their owner.

Your MIL sounds ghastly, OP. Your patience is to be admired.

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