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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that many parents would have a much easier time if they realised that they don't...

86 replies

seeker · 23/08/2011 10:41

.....actually their children?

OP posts:
Original poster
seeker · 23/08/2011 10:42

That was supposed to be own

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 23/08/2011 11:20

Yes! Agree....

Whatmeworry · 23/08/2011 11:24

.....until HMG comes along and wants to put you in prison because the kids you don't own have been looting ( reductio ad absurdum etc )

muminthemiddle · 23/08/2011 11:28

Good point seeker.

Was speaking to a friend whose teenage daughter has got pregnant. When I asked if his daughter had chosen a name I was told by her dad "Well I like x", er yes but what does she like is what I replied adding cheekily you have had your chance, it's not your baby!

.

Gonzo33 · 23/08/2011 11:35

We might not own them, but we sure are responsible for them, at least until they are 18. Must have been lucky with my eldest because he seems to have a heightened awareness of right and wrong!

Collision · 23/08/2011 11:36

Could you expand on your question please Seeker?

In what way do parents think they own their children?

worried

exoticfruits · 23/08/2011 13:19

Read MN Collision and you will see that they think they own them in that it is their decision what the DC thinks e.g. I think eating animals is cruel therefore I will tell that to my DC and they will be a lifelong vegetarian.
They decide at birth that the DC will go to university. They never played a musical instrument so DC will play the violin.etc etc.
A DC is a priviledge and you have them for a very short time. They have their own dreams, beliefs and ambitions. They may not be yours. You give them roots and you give them wings. (If you want to play the violin you go and have lessons yourself)

exoticfruits · 23/08/2011 13:22

It starts at birth with my baby, goes on to my DC and even 'my DC, my rules' which simply isn't true-outside your home.

exoticfruits · 23/08/2011 13:23

They are not a possession -but a person in their own right.

Original poster
seeker · 23/08/2011 13:38

And a person who has relationships with people apart from his or her parents.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 23/08/2011 14:54

I think that many parents don't actually allow that one!

exoticfruits · 23/08/2011 14:56

Too many expect to have control when they are not even there!

SiamoFottuti · 23/08/2011 14:59

I dunno about that, I think I do kinda own my children, while they are small anyway. I made them, I house them, feed them, clothe them, teach them, wipe their arses, clean them, read to them, drive them everywhere, carry them and soothe them and am totally responsible for them. So, for the time being, until they do at least some of these things for themselves, I do own them.

Original poster
seeker · 23/08/2011 15:08

But I have read threads on here about people being outraged at a grandparent snipping out a matted bit of a child's hair, outraged at people buying a child clothes without consulting the parent first and saying that they were going to change a child's nickname and anyone who doesn't comply with thenchange would not be allowed to see the child concerned.

OP posts:
SiamoFottuti · 23/08/2011 15:10

ok, see what you mean there. I wouldn't like anyone to cut their hair, but the rest of it I'm with you.

exoticfruits · 23/08/2011 15:13

I would say that you nurture them Siamo.When you get your baby you have no idea what you have got! They have thoughts and opinions of their own. If you are lucky they match yours-but there is no guarantee. They, like you, have to put up with what they get!

Kytti · 23/08/2011 15:19

They're my children. I own them. Until they're eighteen. So there. Wink

exoticfruits · 23/08/2011 15:22

I assume they are very young at the moment kytti. Grin
They will disillusion you!

Lifeissweet · 23/08/2011 15:23

I agree. I'm having difficulty at the moment with my DP's ex and their DS. DP has just moved in. We're having a baby. DP's ex won't let her DS come here to see his Dad, DP has to go there. DP isn't allowed to take his DS to visit his own parents. She, basically, seems to think that she owns her DS and won't 'share' him with other people.

I, on the other hand, have a DS who lives with me and part time with my Ex and his girlfriend. I am secure enough to know that I am DS's mother and we have a close bond. I am happy for him to meet and be cared for and loved by as many people as want to be a part of his life because, by having a wider range of influences he is more likely to work out who he wants to be.

That's my take on the 'ownership' statement. I don't own my DS, I care for him and have a responsibility towards him. That is all.

Mitmoo · 23/08/2011 15:26

How old is your DP's DS Life?

upahill · 23/08/2011 15:26

Hmmm I sort of get what you mean but I have two thoughts
THe first is that I, along wiht DH are responsible for them and have a huge say and influence on how we shape them and their attitudes.

I expect them to have manners and when they fall short on that they are bloody well pulled for it.
I will give them what ever I can but when there comes a sense of entitlemement again they are given a reality check and so on.

My other thought is my children represent me and DH.
Now I got critised for this statement until I backed it with the explanation of how my kids behave and look in public is a reflection on how DH and I have allowed them to behave and people do judge on that.
How many times have you thought if you have seen a wayward child and thought 'what are his/her parents thinking' or if you see some teenagers doing some anti social behaviour how many have thought ' Don't their parents know where their kids are, I would never let mine do that'

If my children go out in ill fitting clothes dirty clothes it could be argued it is their choice what they wear and I don't own them they can do what they like. (DS2 wouldn't notice if he never had a bath from now until Christmas) I care! I'm bothered.

So no you are right seeker I don't actually own my children but I have a big enough stake in their welfare to be able to make demands on them eg Be home at a certain time, don't do a, b or c otherwise there is a penalty as that behaviour is unacceptable.

However in terms about what they should and shouldn't be studying to a certain degree I couldn't care less. DS1 doesn't go to uni. No pressure as long as he is not a NEET that's fine.
DS2 does, as long as he studies and it is what he genuinely wants to do that is fine.

plantsitter · 23/08/2011 15:28

I do agree and I always think that when I see the nicknames thing - other people are allowed to have relationships with your kids and to a point that's nothing to do with you.

However I wish DD1 (2 and a half) thought I owned her a little bit.

Mitmoo · 23/08/2011 15:29

I have a different take though it is not about ownership but rights. It peeves me that parents who have SFA to do with their kids but to take them out to play for a couple of hours a month, despite being able to see them more but they can't be arsed, then try to put their foot down about child's medication, school, or other issues etc.

If you want to be a playmate then be one but don't pretend you are a responsible parent and stamp your feet about "my child, my rights".

Birdsgottafly · 23/08/2011 15:29

There is no such thing as a free thinking adult, we are all swayed by cultural or societal norms. With the responsibility of raising a younger DC comes rights also. I think the ownership thing should not apply until after around 12 but before that it would be stupid to say that a parent shouldn't influence them, positively. If they don't try musical lessons they won't know if they like them. Our society is set up a certain way and we should raise our DC's to acheive within that, within reason.

I think that the problem is that many cannot see the baby that they have as a adult, we should aim to raise mentally healthy, well rounded adults.

The aspect of parenting on MN that i found strange (in what is otherwise reasonable parents) is the lack of connection that they give to GP's and wider family. The threads that question GP's etc wanting to have a DGC overnight, dismay me at times, not by the thread starter but by the posters. It is put across as if DGC's are inflicted on GP's and not naturally wanted by them.

wordfactory · 23/08/2011 15:31

The way I see it, precisely because I don't own them, and they'll be out of here no doubt at eighteen and never look back, I'm duty bound to make this time count.

I have to impress upon them the values and life lessons I think will stand them in the very best stead once they become independent.

I see this as a short but highly intense period of weaning. Then hopefully, I'm done.