To think that many parents would have a much easier time if they realised that they don't...

[seeker]

.....actually their children?

Birds We should aim to raise mentally healthy

WTF!!!!!!! So if your child isn't "mentally healthy" somehow the parents have failed? Parents who have children with mental health issues haven't got there because of their parenting.

FFS

word you're hoping . Many kids are still at home at 30 trying to figure out how to get on the mortgage ladder these days.

I think that you muddling two things upahill.
Not owning them doesn't mean that you don't set boundries of acceptable behaviour or set bedtimes or guide them. Just that you discuss things and accept that they may not think the same. It is all about communication and listening. You realise that they can have close relationships with others without it taking anything away. e.g. you may find MIL difficult but your DC may get on wonderfully with them-in which case you should be pleased. It takes a village.
'My DC-my rules' isn't workable. When they are out and about they have to fit in with other people's rules.
I think that people have trouble with their MILs because they have 'ownership' and the DH has never stood up to them.

That is your big mistake, wordfactory, you are never done. I think this is the problem when people have young DCs-they don't understand you are a mother for life.

I think the attitudes towards grandparents on MN is very strange

Its like some parents are afraid for their children to have a relationship with their grandparents

Surely the more people that love your children the better ,the whole trying to control the child/grandparent relationship on MN baffles me

Mitmoo I don't think wanting to raise mentally healthy adults is a bad aim.

You can't deny that childhood trauma is sometimes caused by parents' behaviour and sometimes results in mental heath issues as an adult. However I don't think the logical end point of that is that mental health problems can always be blamed on parents.

Yeah probably am muddling exotic!

Not everyone gets on with their wider family. We do, and regularly see my parents, PIL and SIL who live very near/reasonable distance away. We don't see my aunty or cousins who live 5 or 6 hours away though very much at all.

I am fascinated(if not addicted!) to MN because it is an eye opener-people's attitudes are so strange-most especially to grandparents. I think they have a poor relationship with their own parents and in turn will have a poor relationship with their own adult DCs.

plantsitter you talk as if the parents have a choice not to have a mentally unwell child. That's the point. If your child becomes mentally unwell it is hard enough on the parents without some pseudo expert deciding the parents may well be at fault. These kinds of attitudes should really be out with the arc, we don't still fully understand the causes of mental health illnesses such as OCD, tourettes or conditions such as autism.

None of the above are parental choices and currently come under the category that shite happens.

@exoticfruits I'm sure you're right! I'm just an evil, overbearing parent.

Mitmoo- if a DC has a MH medical condition that isn't down to the parenting. However i see many DC's with psychological problems and adults that have been given to them by the people 'caring' for them. People play mind games with their own DC's for a variety of reasons.

I include (being older) allowing for a positive attitude to all parts of life; sex, relationships etc.

A MH medical condition has nothing to do with being mentally healthy, you have misunderstood my post.

Mitmoo, perhaps I should've said emotionally healthy rather than mentally healthy.

Of course many mental health issues are simply the luck of the draw. Didn't mean to offend, so sorry if I did.

Mitmoo- the conditions that you mention are organic, nothing to do with psychological (emotional) abuse.

Being mentally healthy isn't the opposite of having a Mental health medical condition.

You mean like parents who feed their chldren meat for no good reason, until they get a taste for it and can't give it up even when they realise it is not entirely ethical? Or don't let them become vegetarian because its their house their rules? Those kind of parents exoticfruits

Mitmoo- if you are going to copy what i write then don't cut off half of it. I posted "mentally healthy well rounded adult".

Birds If I have misunderstood anything it is because it was not expressed accurately. To say parents should "aim to raise mentally healthy children" is an insult to the many thousands who have not been as fortunate and do have children who are mentally unhealthy despite having fabulous parents who work 10 x harder than parents of "mentally healthy" children.

To be mentally unhealthy can be the same as having a mental health illness when referring to conditions such as OCD and tourettes as opposed to learning difficulties such as ASD, ADHD.

Thank you for explaining you did not mean what you wrote but were actually referring to parents who deliberately screw their children's minds up and not all parents of children who are mentally unwell.

It makes no difference where it was cut off birds it was offensive until you corrected it by explaining what you really did mean on the next post.

exotic - I know I'll be a Mum for life, and I'll always be available for them to offer support both emotionally and (I know this goes down badly here on MN) financially.

But my view is that the more effort I put in now, the better job I make of parenting, the more likely my DC will be to become successfully independent adults.

No problems Plant. Anyhoooooooow Avon's calling.

Laters

Mitmoo- it wasn't offensive, you haven't understood it. It did matter where you ended my sentance, you have reacted without thinking about it.

Having a MH medical condition is not the same as being mentally unwell, neither is a LD.

I have two DD's with LD's, i don't consider either of them mentally unwell. It is your own understanding of the term that you need to expand.

I think parents could do with 'owning' their children a little lesson when they're little and a bit more when they're older (12+say)

Well I understood what birds meant first time round.
Some people are not happy unless they are causing an argument.

If birds had said physically healthy would that mean she was being disablist againt children in wheelchairs? Or that you should aim to feed your children well, not abuse them and teach them to be healthy?