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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to REALLY want DS to be popular, and be considering meeting up with a mum i'm not even keen on.....

72 replies

superv1xen · 22/08/2011 15:42

....just because i know that her DD is the most popular kid in his class, its a little bit of social engineering on my part the mum is also really popular with all the other mums and if i become friends with her then that will gain him access to other social stuff that she organises. i don't much like her tbh, she comes across as a bit of a busybody and quite nosey, but i can grit my teeth for ds, right :o ?

she friend-requested me on FB at the start of the summer hols and said we must sort out meeting with the kids.

and if i can kind of, steer him in the direction of the popular kids, it can only be a good thing, right? he is already a pretty confident little boy, and good in social situations and also luckily we live next door to one of the other popular children in his class and he is really good pals with her. i just think it does kids the world of good to be popular at school - i think it tends to carry over into success and happiness in adulthood, ie confidence in the workplace, success finding relationships and forming friendships etc.

i was NOT popular at school and had a really shit time, in fact, at 31 i sometimes think i am still not over it even now.

am i being a twat?

OP posts:

Dozer · 22/08/2011 16:45

Am in the pre-school stage at the moment. I meet up with the mums that I've met and got to know, and DD just has to try to get along with their kids!

Already, though, she and the other kids seem to pick up on signals that the mums want her to get on well with certain kids ('cos the mums are friends).

Had already decided that it wasn't good to try to get DD to be friends with certain kids just cos I like their mums, and a couple of people I know have been a bit too pushy about the kids "having" to get on, or suggesting that we "make an effort" so that they "can stay friends" despite going to be going to different schools. Have been saying that it didn't matter all that much because once they were school-age we might have enough energy to meet up without them, e.g. in the evenings for some wine (can live in hope!)

Now see even more that social engineering is to be avoided.

Thanks!

BehindLockNumberNine · 22/08/2011 16:47

I wish I had had MN when ds was five. I may have posted a similar OP and hopefully been put straight before making a bit of a prat out of myself...

Insomnia11 · 22/08/2011 16:48

I would say give people a chance though. When DD1 became best friends (they are inseperable) with another girl at school I thought "Oh no" because her mum was about the least friendly, grumpiest, most offhand person of the parents in the class. When I got to know her better though I actually quite liked her, though she is quite grumpy she can also be quite fun too! Also I've got chatting to her husband at parties and he also takes quite a pessimistic view of life but I do like him and he makes me laugh.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/08/2011 16:53

You've already decided then, OP. You'll come across as needy and desperate - and very, very obvious. If yiou think this woman talks about you now, imagine what gossip material you'r'e going to give her when you start really sucking up.

If you really value your little boy then he doesn't need coercion to be friends with somebody, he just will be if he likes them and they like him. I think actually, many adults could learn a lot about friendships from little children, they have it just right.

Oh and please stop calling it 'social engineering', it sounds as cringey as 'domestic engineer'...

CailinDana · 22/08/2011 16:57

As soon as I hear any parent say "I want X to be..." my heart sinks for the poor child. Basically what a parent is saying is that they have a fixed picture of what they expect from their child and if they don't live up to that then there is bound to be an element of disappointment. Being a disappointment to your parents is horrible. Just accept your child for who he is, encourage him in what he does and support him if he does have popularity issues. Don't force him to be something he's not.

Dozer · 22/08/2011 16:59

For MN pedants, isn't "social engineering" OK as a derogatory term then?

diddl · 22/08/2011 17:02

Oh please let your son choose his own friends.

I wasn´t popular at school-just had a few good friends-isn´t it like that for most people?

And do people really like the popular ones or just pretend to for their own gain?

PixiePrincess · 22/08/2011 17:06

Let your son be friends with who he wants to be, being friends with the "popular" children wont necessarily make him "popular" and it isn't always good to be like that anyway. I am a teenager myself and I remember the popular children in my primary school and they are still popular today, and not always in the best of ways.

Valetude · 22/08/2011 17:06

I've just thought of another reason not to, which is the type of person who scans a room and instantly judges who it will be an advantage to talk to. I knew a woman like this, all her talk was about the people she knew who could do things for her (ie make her look better by knowing them). When she worked out that I wasn't one of them (because I gave up my job and it was one she wanted links with) she dropped me like a stone.

I think making a person be like that from an early age would be quite horrible.

Feminine · 22/08/2011 17:08

Don't do it :)

IMO most 'popular' kids are never able to achieve the same level of wonderful-ness after they leave school.

They are the ones that live in the past ,constantly arranging boring picnic reunions and never moving on in life!

I don't care if my children are popular ,I would like them to be happy and self confident in their own skins ...something that in the real world will be much more useful!

MumblingRagDoll · 22/08/2011 18:15

Valetude exactly. I want my DC to experience people from all walks of life and to give everyone a chance.

I wasn't particularly popular or unpopular at school...if I had the kind of personality that my best friend had...then I would have been very popular....and she had no Mother at all, nobody engineered her friendships...she made them herself. Her Dad ws always at work and had no time for this kind of nonsense.

Takitezee · 22/08/2011 18:22

superv1xen If the mother is everything you say she is then the chances are she is not as popular as you think she is. If she's initiating contact with other people in the same way as she has with you then she probably has lots of acquaintances who she chats too but really aren't friends.

This definitely seems to be about you and your childhood experiences. Let your ds make his own way.

mouthwash7 · 22/08/2011 19:04

Think the problem is that mums who do this are very obvious - constantly overdoing the playdate thing - as though they can somehow make their dc popular. I don't think you can.

The best thing to do, just my opinion, is to get your dc involved in lots of activities, try and increase their confidence and let them naturally make friends with people with common interests. That way the friendships are real and have a chance of lasting.

Original poster

superv1xen · 23/08/2011 10:45

now i feel like a horrible mum

i just want my kids to be happy in life, coz i damn well wasn't a happy child.

have decided to NOT contact this mum anyway

thank you for all the input

OP posts:

Filibear · 23/08/2011 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

porcamiseria · 23/08/2011 11:03

good call OP- honestly he wll find his own way! put your super mum energies elswhere!

mouthwash7 · 23/08/2011 12:27

supervixen - you're not a horrible mum at all. I'm sure your dcs will have a very happy childhood with you caring so much about them.

youarekidding · 23/08/2011 12:44

Actually at 5yo you don't need to be at 'playdate'. If your DS likes this girl arrange a meeting drop him off and leave.

Do it because your DS and this DD want it though, forget popularity and forget the mum.

What he'll remember and what will count is you taking him places he wants to be and you allowing him to find his own way - and most importantly not foistering 'playdates' on him he doesn't want to go to. EG if kids fall out you saying never mind and driving him to his other friends house (even if this other friend is less popular).

You are not a bad mum - I was unconfident at school and like you 31yo am still unconfident. My DS struggles with social communication and it's the hardest thing ever to keep out and let him find his own way. But he has to learn as I did to do it himself.

BehindLockNumberNine · 23/08/2011 12:46

Supervixen, you are not a horrible mum, far from it

When I was bullied / excluded at school my mum made everything 100 x worse by trying to 'enforce' friendships and by lamenting the fact I had no friends.
I was like this with ds when he was little. All it did was put pressure on him and me.

I am now trying very hard to show my dc that life is not a popularity contest and that to be truly happy they have to be their own person and be friends with whomever / as many people / as few people as they like.
If my mum had adopted this approach I may have felt more confident in myself.

You are fab and your dc will be self assured and will shine

upahill · 23/08/2011 13:24

Superv1xen.
I think you are right about not contacting this women.
Who on earth wants pretend friends.

I used to worry when DS started school but everything is fine. DS1 is out with a couple of mates who stopped over last night and are really nice kids.
DS2 has gone on holiday with his mates.

I would say encourage your son to bring mates home for tea, take them out sometimes at weekends and just let them all hang round together.
Nothing good comes of things forced.

Friendship is organic and I'm sure history won't repeat it'self.

BimboNo5 · 23/08/2011 13:31

She sounds like the Mum of DD's friend- yuck. Avoid at all costs.

Original poster

superv1xen · 24/08/2011 10:01

behindlocknumber9 thank you - what a lovely re assuring post, i am glad things are ok for you now.

and, strangely, this girl sent me a facebook message this morning asking how i was and whether i was free to meet up with the kids next week (i haven't replied)..... :o

OP posts:

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