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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to REALLY want DS to be popular, and be considering meeting up with a mum i'm not even keen on.....

72 replies

superv1xen · 22/08/2011 15:42

....just because i know that her DD is the most popular kid in his class, its a little bit of social engineering on my part Blush the mum is also really popular with all the other mums and if i become friends with her then that will gain him access to other social stuff that she organises. i don't much like her tbh, she comes across as a bit of a busybody and quite nosey, but i can grit my teeth for ds, right :o ?

she friend-requested me on FB at the start of the summer hols and said we must sort out meeting with the kids.

and if i can kind of, steer him in the direction of the popular kids, it can only be a good thing, right? he is already a pretty confident little boy, and good in social situations and also luckily we live next door to one of the other popular children in his class and he is really good pals with her. i just think it does kids the world of good to be popular at school - i think it tends to carry over into success and happiness in adulthood, ie confidence in the workplace, success finding relationships and forming friendships etc.

i was NOT popular at school and had a really shit time, in fact, at 31 i sometimes think i am still not over it even now.

am i being a twat?

OP posts:
Original poster
superv1xen · 22/08/2011 15:42

oh and he is 5 btw. not 15. :o

OP posts:
Dozer · 22/08/2011 15:44

YABU, obviously.

Kids don't need to be popular, they just need friends. Let him make his own mates. Sounds like he's fine and you don't need to worry so much.

belgo · 22/08/2011 15:45

If you think he will enjoy the girl's company, and it will mean he gets to go to more activities, then why not?

I disagree though that popularity in school always means success and happiness as an adult. I was not popular in school, and am happy as an adult (although not that confident)

antshouse · 22/08/2011 15:46

You don't like a nosey busybody so you add her on facebook?

yellowraincoat · 22/08/2011 15:46

Being popular at school doesn't necessarily carry over into success in life. Most of the popular kids in my school are still living at home, doing boring jobs, never having left the tedious town we grew up in.

I think what does stand children in good stead is confidence. That can come from popularity, it's true, but mostly it comes from having self esteem wheher people like you or not.

MissPenteuth · 22/08/2011 15:46

Hmm. I was unpopular at school too and I really hope DD is more confident than I was. So I can see where you're coming from BUT I think that what's important is having friends, not necessarily being in the 'popular' crowd. And I'm not sure that pushing your son towards a particular group of friends is such a good idea either.

If he's confident and getting on fine socially then you're obviously doing something right so far. I'd be inclined to let him find his own friends and social group.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/08/2011 15:46

Oh must you? Confused

This kind of thing makes me shudder, it's so sad. It's not something you can manoeuvre or manipulate and just because this other child is popular doesn't mean that it will 'rub off' on your DS. You could be setting him up for a miserable time trying to compete and fit in with kids who he naturally wouldn't gravitate to.

Why not get him engaged with many little friends in his class - and outside - and let him develop.

I get that you weren't popular in school but, you can't use that as an excuse to meddle.... he's 5, let him be 5 and let him make his own friends. If you've done a good job as a parent then he'll be sociable and friendly and he'll be happy.

luckylavender · 22/08/2011 15:47

Completely over the top and ridiculous - helicopter parenting

nickelbabe · 22/08/2011 15:47

why are you not keen on her?

have you ever spent any time in her company?

yabu to do it for the sake of your son, but you shuld make an effort to get to know her, at least, because you might find you actually like her. :)

porcamiseria · 22/08/2011 15:47

please PLEASE dont pass on your childhood fuck ups onto your son! what is he decides to be a little science geek? what if he feels pressure to be friends with popular kids? dont do it! let him be himself.

childhood is fun, but tough too, let him learn his own way

let him be himself, and have friends that he likes, PLEASE

you are not the only one with a fucked up time at school, dont let it now fuck up his life

Original poster
superv1xen · 22/08/2011 15:50

antshouse Blush erm, yep

really yellowrain ? i have found its the opposite.

yeah she is a nice little girl anyway, so will be a nice friend for DS as well as the stuff i said in my OP.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 22/08/2011 15:50

Don't try and make your child befriend the popular kids.

They will know that that is what you want. They will take that as a sure sign that you don't like the friends they have chosen.
You will damage their confidence.
Plus the popular kids are surrounded by needy anxious kids. They know they are simply a hanger on and spend their while school lives desperately trying to ensure that they don't get jettisoned from the group. This Dan make them pretty unpleasant. It will almost inevitably make them unhappy.

Think about what you are saying about your own child. That he is not good enough. That he needs anointing by someone that you don't actually like.

I say this with love. Get a fucking grip.

eurochick · 22/08/2011 15:50

It seems to be the kids from my school who weren't extremely popular or in the cool crowd who now have the most settled and happy lives, so I'd leave him be if I were you.

upahill · 22/08/2011 15:50

Aw come on Superv1xen!! It's not on really to be friends with someone you don't really like just to use them. It's so hypocritical!!

Kids will find their own way and friends.
Your job is to encourage them to play fair and have a sense of justice.
That will get you a bigger payback than using people to try to meet your needs.

luciadilammermoor · 22/08/2011 15:53

You're not being a twat but I think you're trying a bit too hard IYSWIM?

Hard facts are:

They are 5 years old.
You are not keen on the woman
He is already confident and happy at school
Woman is busybody (so organises lots of stuff) but this may come at a price for both of you.

Plus in c. 2years time, chances are he'll be entering the whole 'girls are stinky' stage so would just flag to you that whether or not you do this, it might not have any effect longterm. Think it (IMHO, obv) is more about confidence, showing interest in others, joining in play rather than demanding to be in charge all the time and sticking up for yourself and others when needed.

I read a book from the library a while back which was interesting, and quite handsoff the whole thing.

www.amazon.co.uk/Unwritten-Rules-Friendship-Strategies-Friends/dp/0316917303/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1314024556&sr=8-2

in looking that up I found this one too www.amazon.co.uk/How-Be-Friend-Friends-Families/dp/0316111538/ref=pd_sim_b_3

Rowena8482 · 22/08/2011 15:54

She doesn't want to be your friend, she just wants access to your FB page for ammunition to use against you in future. Or because she is really really nosy and just wants to see what you're "up to".

Original poster
superv1xen · 22/08/2011 15:55

nickel i have spent time with her, i see her every day at school and she came to DS birthday party with her DC. she is nice enough to peoples faces but she talks about people behind their backs, she has done so to me about other people which i have then seen her talking to all smiley. and she is really nosey, asking personal questions etc. so while i am happy to have her as an aquaintance, i wouldn't want to get too close to her, and i wouldn't tell her much about myself.

OP posts:
carabos · 22/08/2011 15:55

OP i was NOT popular at school and had a really shit time, in fact, at 31 i sometimes think i am still not over it even now.

Just about sums it up - its about you, not him. If you don't really like this woman, then don't be her friend. You should choose your own friends and let DS choose his.

yellowraincoat · 22/08/2011 15:55

Depends what you mean by success and happiness, I suppose. Confidence comes from so many places and you hear of a lot of famous and successful people who were misfits at school.

Why would you want to be friends with someone you don't like? Seems baffling to me.

InfinityButNotBeyond · 22/08/2011 15:55

This reminds me of the mother of the girl in DS's class that blanked me for 2 years (literally ignored me and even walked away when I smiled and said hello). And then suddenly wanted to be my best friend when it became obvious that DD was the "popular" child in nursery and her younger DD was a bit of a loner.

And though she actually turned out to be quite nice (and we actually get on better than our DDs who never really became friends), there is a part of me that still remembers those 2 years that she totally ignored me . So if your only reason is to get your child in with the popular kid then I think that's a bit scheming tbh. If you'd genuinely like to get to know the parent too, will give you the benefit of the doubt (with the caveat that your children might not like each other despite all the best laid plans).

GeneralDreedlesNurse · 22/08/2011 15:55

Good grief woman get a grip. He'll make his own friends in his own time, they might not be the popular clique you want him to be with, but there is a good chance they will be friends for life rather than some superficial accquaintance you forced him to make as you feel you were a fcuk up at school.

worraliberty · 22/08/2011 15:56

Your OP reads like a little girl jumping up and down clapping her hands and breathlessly telling a tale.

FGS let your kids choose their own friends and don't instill into them your obvious belief that being popular is so important.

If you do, be prepared to raise a sheep that will do anything his mates tell them too...through fear of losing his popularity.

It takes strength of character to stand on your own two feet and nothing to follow the herd.

porcamiseria · 22/08/2011 15:56

what pagwatch said

DONT DO IT OP!!!!!!

fluffyanimal · 22/08/2011 15:58

What Pagwatch said. Oh, and popularity in 5 year olds?? Surely that is more relevant only with older kids? At that age aren't the popularity stakes, and the friendships, totally transient and mercurial? You'll be forever chasing the next popular parent and will probably be one step behind. "Oh Tarquin? He's so last five minutes..."

I was never "popular" at school. But I was never short of friends either. And I firmly believe that people are popular because they are successful and confident, rather than successful and confident because they are popular.

worraliberty · 22/08/2011 15:59

she is nice enough to peoples faces but she talks about people behind their backs, she has done so to me about other people which i have then seen her talking to all smiley. and she is really nosey, asking personal questions etc

And you want your child mixing with people like that and her offspring in the name of 'popularity'? Hmm

Oh I can't wait for the future thread.... "DS's best friend's Mum has been slagging me off at the school gates and on Facebook...what do I do"