Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to REALLY want DS to be popular, and be considering meeting up with a mum i'm not even keen on.....

72 replies

superv1xen · 22/08/2011 15:42

....just because i know that her DD is the most popular kid in his class, its a little bit of social engineering on my part Blush the mum is also really popular with all the other mums and if i become friends with her then that will gain him access to other social stuff that she organises. i don't much like her tbh, she comes across as a bit of a busybody and quite nosey, but i can grit my teeth for ds, right :o ?

she friend-requested me on FB at the start of the summer hols and said we must sort out meeting with the kids.

and if i can kind of, steer him in the direction of the popular kids, it can only be a good thing, right? he is already a pretty confident little boy, and good in social situations and also luckily we live next door to one of the other popular children in his class and he is really good pals with her. i just think it does kids the world of good to be popular at school - i think it tends to carry over into success and happiness in adulthood, ie confidence in the workplace, success finding relationships and forming friendships etc.

i was NOT popular at school and had a really shit time, in fact, at 31 i sometimes think i am still not over it even now.

am i being a twat?

OP posts:
Original poster
superv1xen · 22/08/2011 16:01

pagwatch i would never steer him away from his other friends in favour of the "popular" ones, of course i wouldn't do that, the more friends the better. of course he is "good enough" i do my absolute best to build his confidence by telling him i love him and he is brilliant at stuff and all that kind of stuff, so i hope he would never feel "not good enough" :(

i do like the little girl in my OP, she is a nice little thing (which is probably why everyone likes her) its her mum i'm not that keen on :o and he is still at the age where in most cases "playdates" involve the parents being there.

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 22/08/2011 16:03

ah well, if you know you don't like her, then don't make any efforts.

if her DD is a nice girl like you say, then DS will find her on his own.
then you can suffer the woman.

pag - language! [stern]

NorfolkBroad · 22/08/2011 16:05

I wouldn't go out of my way to engineer a meet up with a parent I was not drawn to but equally I wouldn't avoid them if I felt my DC would enjoy spending time with their DC. See how your DS gets along and if he mentions playing with this little girl or not. Dont force it though.

However, I have often been wrong about people based on first impressions.

ragged · 22/08/2011 16:05

I don't blame you OP, it's just good old-fashioned networking that will probably stand both of you in good stead in the medium-long term.

YusMilady · 22/08/2011 16:06

Popularity is meaningless. Suggest that you encourage your son to always try to be kind, and to look out for children who are lonely or unhappy and be friends with them instead, and also to learn to enjoy his own company and be good at amusing himself. Just a thought.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 22/08/2011 16:10

I understand what you're trying to do. With this particular woman it might do more harm than good to let her into your home. If she is two faced and a 'busy-body' it might be easier to keep her at arms length. If you're in favour your DS migh benefit:

'the mum is also really popular with all the other mums and if i become friends with her then that will gain him access to other social stuff that she organises.'

What if you piss her off?

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 22/08/2011 16:10

Better to be unknown than blackballed.

Ephiny · 22/08/2011 16:14

YABU. I know you mean well, but if he's happy and confident as he is, then best to leave well alone and let him make his own friends. 5 is a bit young to be worrying about 'networking'!

Insomnia11 · 22/08/2011 16:15

The kids from my school days who have gone on to do really well for themselves seem to be the ones who were quieter, more sensitive and were often called 'swots'.

Pagwatch · 22/08/2011 16:15

Supervixen

This may be long -forgive me.

I didn't suggest that you would steer him away from his friends. And ii understand the totally understandable to try and get what is best for our children. The popularity contest at school is visible as they get older and it can be a siren call if we were less that the cool kids ourself.

But if you arrange a relationship which is not of his creating the message is there. You will be telling him who you think he should like. If that child is popular then that message becomes clear too.

Ds1 chose a random assortment of friends -few from the 'cool kids'. This was actually odd. He was in the first teams at school, handsome , smart - but never hung out with the cool kids.
I am human. I wished a bit that he would. When he went on tour part of me wanted him to come back as best mates with the 1st 15 captain. But no.

Now he is 18 I realise he chose better than I would have. His friends are not the cool group who headed off to Aya Napa. But he and his friends are cycling through Germany and italy next month. They come here and are smart, funny, interesting - musicians and artists and science geeks Grin

I do, really do understand the impulse. But honestly. Let it go.

YouDoTheMath · 22/08/2011 16:16

Meet up with her, and see how it goes. You never know, you might have things in common/a good rapport with this woman.

If you don't, then don't force it. I other words, treat it like you would any other budding friendship.

Just because it could end up meaning your son doesn't end up best buddies with THE most popular girl in his class doesn't mean that he will end up being UNpopular. Most children, IME, are somewhere in between. And I think that for the most rounded outlook in adult life, that's the best place to be.

pigletmania · 22/08/2011 16:25

Yabu the child is only 5! Let him make his own friendships. Does he like the girl? Just because yourpopular at school does not mean je will be popular as an adult. You do sound a bit shallow imo

BehindLockNumberNine · 22/08/2011 16:27

Oh god, don't do it please....

Your OP could have been written by me, 7 years ago. It did not work. Short term ds was 'popular' and with the 'in crowd' (at 5 ffs, why did I think it so important...Hmm)
Then as the children got older and their individual personalities emerged more it soon changed. Ds is now 12 and has turned out to be extremely content in his own company. He has been on the edge of all social circles at school for the past 4 years. Partly as he is not into football or sports, is not sporty and likes acting and dancing. His hobbies include helping at the local greyhound rescue kennels and he is a member of St John Ambulance. None of these things make him part of the popular crowd. He is just not 'cool' or 'street smart' or whatever you need to be to cut it in a state comprehensive these days.
He has only spent one day with a friend this summer holiday (instigated by him)
But he is so content just doing what he wants (lego models, movies about lego models, bmx'ing, drawing, reading, greyhound cuddeling, doing family stuff etc) he is not fussed. When I asked him about it he said 'I see these friends every schoolday, they are nice enough, but I enjoy doing my own thing in the holiday)

I am now embarrassed at how I triend to engineer his (and my) social circle when he was little. Ds has, having only just turned 12, shown me how to be comfortable with who I was and have the type of friends I feel comfortable with regardless of what social status they have....

YusMilady · 22/08/2011 16:31

BehindLockNumberNine your little boy sounds lovely. Greyhound cuddling!

microfight · 22/08/2011 16:33

Can you explain why she is a busybody? Examples please?

MumblingRagDoll · 22/08/2011 16:34

No matter HOW much of this sneaky type of social engineering goes on, kids will always choose their own friend and who they like....by the time they get to 9 or 10 they set their wn groups up. Yes, parents can make it difficult for one child to be friends with another but thats it....popularity will happen regardless...or not.

MumblingRagDoll · 22/08/2011 16:36

I sweated it out through loads of "playdates" with DD1....who in the end has chosen her own mates...none of whom I had chosen for her. Blush

Pandemoniaa · 22/08/2011 16:36

When the dcs were small (under about 8) I had various "friendships" with people I didn't have a lot more in common than the fact we had children of the same age. I didn't dislike any of these friends (and enjoyed some good company at the time) but it was notable that we all went off in different directions, so far as enduring friendship was concerned, once our children got older.

But, and this is the important thing, none of these friends were people who I'd normally avoid. They were nice people. Neither, and this is even more important, had there been any sort of social engineering aimed at trying to make my dcs part of some ridiculous "In Crowd". They made their own friends. OK, both were reasonably popular but not with everybody, (this is real life, after all) and certainly they didn't think they were entitled to be popular or would have tolerated me making them make friends with anyone in particular.

So please don't push your child into friendships on the assumption that he will become popular. He's almost certainly quite capable of making his own friends and needs to be left to do so. Also, if you make friends with someone you are already unsure about because of their history of bitching behind backs, you could be stirring a nest of vipers and get badly bitten as a result!

Ephiny · 22/08/2011 16:37

I agree, BehindLockNumberNine's DS sounds fantastic!

BehindLockNumberNine · 22/08/2011 16:37

Thank you Yus, he really is Smile and I am very proud of him.

Dozer · 22/08/2011 16:38

Will try to pay heed to this thread when DCs are bigger!

Valetude · 22/08/2011 16:41

YABU because YOU meeting up with someone you dislike means a little piece of your soul is gone: pouf!
It will be bad enough soon when your ds makes his own friends (as he will) and you have to pretend to like the parents. Don't make more work for yourself.

hopenglory · 22/08/2011 16:42

Oh lord, don't do it - there's a mum at our school who does this. The poor child doesn't stand a chance being made to be friends with kids that he doesn't really like and who don't necessarily like him, all in the interests of social standing

pigletmania · 22/08/2011 16:43

How do you know what she is saying behind YOUR back, if she is a bit of a gossip?

BehindLockNumberNine · 22/08/2011 16:44

Thank you too, Ephiny.

I thought it sooo important for my ds to be popular when he was little. I was never popular at school. I therefore tried to do everything possible to ensure he was.
My insecurities and anxieties about his friendships ended up contributing to my depression as I fretted over every party invitation not received and any get together arranged that he / we were not invited to. I tried to be someone I was not in order to be accepted by the popular parents or the parents of the popular children. L

OP, if you are not keen on this mum, then don't forge a false friendship. Chances are your ds and her dd do not get on in the long run which could then lead to complications, or, she stops being the popular girl and then what will you do? Maintain the friendship with the mum, slowly back away? Honestly, popularity changes all the time, especially at such a young age.

Swipe left for the next trending thread