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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

fed up of being a singleton

57 replies

Hatesponge · 19/08/2011 23:01

I haven't been in a relationship for nearly 3 years.

I haven't had a date for well over a year, or any 'action' (beyond a snog) for more than 2 years.

And I don't know why. I am attractive, I'm very intelligent, but men are never interested in me.

It worries me that it will be this way for the rest of my life, that I will be on my own. I have never been married, and now probably never will be. I have only been in love once ( and not with either of my DC's fathers but thats another story).

No-one I know has any idea why I'm single. They all think I should be beating men off with a stick. But I'm not. I've lost nearly 4 stone this year - I feel better, am healthier, I wondered if it would make any difference on the men front, but apparently not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hatesponge · 19/08/2011 23:08

I know it's not the worst thing in the world. I have my DC, a home, a job, lovely friends.

I just want more :( I don't thats BU really.

OP posts:
sniffy · 19/08/2011 23:10

tried internet dating? Sorry to be so obvious Confused

Why do you want to be in a relationship?

Original poster
Hatesponge · 19/08/2011 23:17

Have tried the internet thing, I hate it but I've tried it. Different sites, over the last year or so. Without success. The blokes I attract on there are worse than those I would attract in RL.

OP posts:
sniffy · 19/08/2011 23:19

oh dear, that's not good.
Well done on the weight loss.
Why do you want a bloke?

Original poster
Hatesponge · 19/08/2011 23:21

I don't know if I could live with anyone. I have lived on my own for 3 years and am quite set in my ways. But I would like a man to go on dates with, to talk to about anything and everything, to cuddle up to sometimes on the sofa. And the physical side of course.

All the things everyone else has, or seems to.

OP posts:
sniffy · 19/08/2011 23:27

nah, go over to he relationship threads, that'll give you a fright. And get a nice cat Wink

AmIthatbad · 19/08/2011 23:38

Hatesponge.I feel exactly the same. May 2004 was the last action I have had.

I am only kept going by the thought that I will meet someone someday.

And I know that other relationships aren't perfect, but when you're single, it is pretty hard.

Two weddings last year and I put a brave face on, but underneath the surface I was so sad that I was alone, couldn't even have a dance.

Actually, I am easily pleased, I would love to have someone make me a cup of tea!!!!! that is all

Can't offer you any words of comfort or encouragement, sorry

Original poster
Hatesponge · 20/08/2011 00:02

I hate cats Blush I would have a dog, but I'm out of the house for 11-12 hours a day so it's not fair.

AmIthatbad am glad I'm not the only one.

I don't know if I do really believe I will meet someone any more. A few years ago, what kept me going was the fact I'd never been in love. I thought it had to happen one day. Now it has, and is over, I don't think I would be so lucky to feel like that again.

OP posts:
LeBOF · 20/08/2011 00:08

Do you get out and about much?

LeBOF · 20/08/2011 00:08

And it's a shame about not being able to have a dog. Best Way To Meet Men Ever.

AmIthatbad · 20/08/2011 00:24

Hatesponge, I think i am totally the wrong person to be giving you any sort of support

Just keep the faith.

Don't listen to those that counter by saying others are unhappy in relationships - well, they have plenty of good things going for them (check out the thread of some pampered mare who was moaning cos she wasn't getting the perks that her DH used to get before downgrading jobs . ffs)

I still feel as if have loads to offer, and would love to be in a loving and supportive relationship, but we just have to bide our time and wait and see.

And try not to get upset by the bitches on here that spend their time slagging off their OHs. Accident of birth/time. Maybe if their Ohs had met someone else before them, then they would be perfect husbands :-)

Original poster
Hatesponge · 20/08/2011 00:47

BOF I'm out every fortnight or so with work and/or friends. Almost all my friends are in couples though - or if single much younger than me - so we're not out hunting as such...

dog thing is a shame. There's a huge meadows/open space at the end of my road where literally hundreds of people (mostly men) walk their dogs every day.

AmIthatbad you talk a lot of sense :) I think am feeling worse about this than normal as I'm off to an engagement party tomorrow. A room full of happy couples, and me. Tis shit sometimes :(

OP posts:
Warlock · 20/08/2011 00:51

the more you get stressed about it then the harder it will be to act normally when the right situation comes along

LeBOF · 20/08/2011 00:53

Hmm. Tough one.

How about offering to walk somebody else's dog? It has to be cute though. Whereabouts are you? If near me, I could lend you Pickle...

Pendeen · 20/08/2011 00:55

I am attractive, I'm very intelligent

Can't say attitude that would endear you to someone.

Original poster
Hatesponge · 20/08/2011 01:09

Warlock I don't stress about it as such. Mostly I just accept that's how it is. Sometimes like now it gets me down.

BOF Pickle is very cute. Sadly I'm in South East London. Most people I know have Staffs. I'm not sure they give off the right vibe...

Pendeen I wasn't trying to sound arrogant. Sorry if it came across that way.

OP posts:
KnickersOnOnesHead · 20/08/2011 01:12

I've been single since April 2008. Although moved from Exp Oct 2009. It's shit. I'm not attractive or intelligent so if you are not getting anything, I'm fucked! Grin

LeBOF · 20/08/2011 01:15

It will happen, it's bound to- look at all the hideously rude thick types who get there eventually. You just have to get out there, be happy in yourself, and remain open-minded. Odds are. Honestly.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 20/08/2011 02:34

What rot, Pendeen. If someone is attractive to others there's no reason why they should deny it and if they are intelligent, there's no reason why they should play dumb.

I'm only attracted to intelligent confident males who are happy in their own skin as, IME, they tend not to feel threatened by their female counterparts.

I literally don't have time for the distractions of being 'in lurve' - the palpitating heart, waiting for the phone to ring, does he/doesn't stuff of teenage romance - and I find it expedient to conduct my affaires d'amour in a more detached manner.

I prefer to have liaisons with a select number of paramours who are as equally career oriented as myself, and who I see when I/they can find time to indulge our mutual interests and passions together.

Love has many forms, OP, and is it possible to have a satisfying relationship with, and become deeply fond of, another - or multiple others - without experiencing the heady flushes of 'lurve' or a desire for 'ownership'.

What I have going with my current paramours, and what they have going with me, is a tad more than a fuckbuddy arrangement in that we are bound by ties of mutual respect, consideration, and deep affection.

We fill the gaps, as it were, in each others' lives - we're never short of filling the 'spare' guest place at an exclusively couples function or having a companion for assorted events, days/evenings in and out, weekends and holidays away, and we're not afraid to say the words 'I love you' knowing that there is no possessiveness or ownership/exclusivity implied in such a declaration.

It's taken me a considerable period of time to get it right for me, but the rewards have been worth waiting for.

FTR, yes, of course, they have other paramours too; the net gain is that I have a man for all seasons and they have a woman for all occasions, and vice versa.

HairyGrotter · 20/08/2011 07:53

See, I've lost 4 stone since Jan, started dating via the Internet in May...fucking nightmare it is. I had been celibate for 3.5 years and felt it was time I jumped back on the horse (so to speak) and met a guy which ended in him being a complete div but I'd got some cock.

I've been on numerous dates, all of them terrible in their own special way, and am currently seeing a man who I cannot possibly imagine a future with BUT he's serving a valuable purpose till October when I return to read for my degree, because come then, I'll be too busy trying to better myself to be bothered with 'love' and all that jazz.

On this internet dating has shown me is that actually, I really rather like being single, and that it's a minefield out there. I go out twice a month, get attention but I'm a rude old scrote so it never goes further but that's how I like it.

I understand where you're coming from, just sift the wheat from the chaff online and try a few dates, could be fun, and could make you realise that being single is alright.

Andrewofgg · 20/08/2011 07:58

How old are the DCs?

I got flamed for saying this on a similar thread, heatproof jacket on ready, but many men just do not want to know if there are young children in the picture: like it or lump it, that's how it is.

HairyGrotter · 20/08/2011 08:02

I haven't come across that yet Andrewofgg and my DD is 3. That's strange Confused.

Is that really true? I wouldn't flame you for it. I'm not keen on dating me with kids Blush I realise that's a bit much on my half but I'm selfish.

HairyGrotter · 20/08/2011 08:03

that should say men not 'me'...only had one coffee

Andrewofgg · 20/08/2011 08:06

Didn't think you were considering dating yourself! Men who are not keen on dating women with DCs probably never get to the point of showing any interest.

But yes, it is true. It's not every man or every woman who can contemplate a y sort of relationship, especially long-term or marital, where somebody else's children are part of the package.

HairyGrotter · 20/08/2011 08:10

Don't get me wrong, I would date myself, I'm fucking amazing but not sure it's allowed.

I don't like children, I love my own DD, but other children I'm a bit 'meh' about so can understand that whole 'package' thing, before having DD, I never dated men with kids and never would've. I realise now that my options are diminishing somewhat due to age and circumstance, woe.