fed up of being a singleton

[Hatesponge]

I haven't been in a relationship for nearly 3 years.

I haven't had a date for well over a year, or any 'action' (beyond a snog) for more than 2 years.

And I don't know why. I am attractive, I'm very intelligent, but men are never interested in me.

It worries me that it will be this way for the rest of my life, that I will be on my own. I have never been married, and now probably never will be. I have only been in love once ( and not with either of my DC's fathers but thats another story).

No-one I know has any idea why I'm single. They all think I should be beating men off with a stick. But I'm not. I've lost nearly 4 stone this year - I feel better, am healthier, I wondered if it would make any difference on the men front, but apparently not.

I feel exactly the same OP. I haven't had much luck on the man front lately. Let me see there was the guy who I really liked who I went out with for 3 months last year who did a runner at 3am one night right after we DTD (I kid you not). And my last relationship earlier this year, the guy seemed really keen but then just stopped texting. I did get my own back though when he emailed me out of the blue on Plenty of Fish last week and I said 2 words to him p* off!!. Tomorrow would have been my 8th wedding anniversary but I'm not sorry as the guy was a tit.

I won't lie I feel sick with jealousy at most of my friends when I see them so happy so I know exactly how you feel OP. You have my sympathies.

I'm off to an engagement party tomorrow. A room full of happy couples, and me.

Dont worry, there willl only be ONE happy couple..

squeakytoy is there a forum for cynics like you and me? :o

What do you feel are your attractive qualities? Are you pretty? Maybe you are just too fussy? I'm sure you could find somebody if you wanted to, I'm 23 and I am married, but I know that if I was single I could get a new boyfriend straight away. Are you quite shy? I hope you manage to find somebody soon, there are loads of men out there!

I think Andrew has a point OP, re. internet dating. I think it does affect your choice of men, having children I mean.

Being attractive and intelligent doesn't make much difference in my experience, unless you are happy to shag absolutely anything (which I doubt).

Yes it would be good to meet someone. But being single and living a personally fulfilled life is important too.

Also, age does come into it. I wouldn't have felt like this at 23!!!!

You lot are depressing me, I have been confidently imagining that when I am ready to date again, I will be beating them off with a shitty stick.

I do have a dog though, perhaps that'll help when the time comes.

Yes it can be depressing. But after all its life! Reality. Supply and demand. Men aging badly IMO. The good ones taken. I could go on. But chin up, its character building.

That's a really unhelpful post sequinsandsparkles. You just sound like one of those smug married people that single people find so irritating.

I'm sure you could find somebody if you wanted to, I'm 23 and I am married, but I know that if I was single I could get a new boyfriend straight away

Did you mean for that to be as rude as it sounds?

She's only 23, please leave the girl alone, I think she genuinely wished the OP well.

Sequins, the reason you could get a boyfriend immediately is because virtually everyone is single at your age. Show some sense, woman, it's not because you are so lovely!

Lol @ sequins

I don't think she meant it in a bitchy way, it's just the naivety of youth (I know that sounds horribly patronising - I can't think of another phrase really). Also, when I was 23 and engaged, most of my friends thought I was mad to be settling down. Those same friends now we're 30 can't understand why they are single. Well, duh...

Don't be sad - have you asked any men out in real life (not on line)? Or are you waiting for it to happen to you?

I genuinely was trying to make her feel better I have got no idea how old the OP is, but I guess if there is a massive age difference I sound rather stupid.

So sorry if it sounded bitchy! I genuinely didn't mean it like that, it was supposed to be encouraging but reading it again I can see how it might have come across.

Really sorry

Hate- is it possible that you have become too much your own person- so used to coping emotionally alone that you are giving off impregnable castle vibes (and not a castle blokes feel they can challenge iyswim)?

My sister who is lovely, clever, funny, attractive never gets anybody interested in her because her very ability to do everything herself actually scares men off. She says that she doesn't care because the last thing she wants is a bloke to mother anyway so only the most suitable will be able to breach her defences (paraphrased from what she said btw).

If you really would like to meet someone I think you have to tread that very fine line twixt vulnerability and not being desperate. IMO the best way to meet someone is to take up an activity that you enjoy where you can meet like-minded souls and develop a relationship from a friendship- it allows you and them to get to know each other in a non-threatening way.

I'd like to meet someone new, having been single for over 2 years now.

BUT I suffer from sleep apnoea and have now split up with 3 partners because of it. If I met someone new I'd be obliged to sleep with them I expect, and the whole cycle would start up again.

The stupid thing is, there's an operation I could have to fix it but I can't have the operation because I react badly to anaesthetics and I don't want to leave DS an orphan.

Ok, to try and answer a few questions:

I'm 39. I don't look 39 - honestly people who don't know how old I am guess early 30s. I am attractive - no, I'm not beautiful, but I'm ok. Above average I think, whatever that means.

I should add I did 8 years in an abusive relationship wherein I was regularly told how ugly/horrible/fat/disgusting I was, so to believe in myself and my own attractiveness has taken no little effort.

My DC are 13 and 10 (as of September years 9 and 6 respectively). So they're not tiny. They see their dad regularly, so I get time on my own - I'm not necessarily looking for someone to slot into my household and play stepdad...if that happens so be it, but I have time to see someone other than when my DC are there. I'm also of course (just about) young enough to have other DC. I'm open minded on that.

If I had literally no standards, I could get a date or two I expect. A man on POF this week sent me a picture of his kebab shop. And himself at work busily slicing the doner meat (honestly I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry) I'm sure he's lovely in his own right, but he's not for me. Maybe I am fussy - but given that in the past when I was less choosy I ended up with the abusive Ex referred to above, its possibly no bad thing.

just to add duchesse you may have hit the nail on the head. I don't think of myself as being ever so independent, not in the least. However other people (men in particular) have said this - my last Ex said I was the most independent person he had ever met.

I'm not sure why men think this - I can't have a conversation with people I don't know, I would never walk into a pub on my own or go to the cinema alone. I can't do DIY for toffee (painting is about my limit) and am useless at gardening, hence now looking of my window at a jungle....but I never ask for help, or admit that there's stuff I can't do. I'll just pay someone to do it for me!

I have had to manage without family, and I guess that has made me independent, but not through choice (my parents both died when I was in my early 20s, and I am an only child). I have no relationship with DS1's dad so went through my pregnancy and labour entirely on my own. I've owned my own house since 25, always worked FT in a 'professional' job where I earn a good salary.

I come across (apparently) as very confident - I don't know why. Perhaps this, my job etc is what makes me seem unapproachable. I'm interested in the appearing vulnerable bit - I can see exactly what you mean but I would have no idea how to convey it. I struggle a bit with the interests stuff, as I don't have any.

I realise this is not making me sound like a catch

Hate......you actually sound great, so much better than me

You sound so similar to me, although I am now in my 40s and I just feel invisible.

I work in a very male dominated profession, and maybe that makes me play down my vulnerability and femininity. All I do know is that I actually have a decent social life, but I never, ever even get approached by men, so I can't be accused of being fussy - I don't get the opportunity to be fussy.

And yes, I have tried lots of different pastimes and hobbies, but zilch interest.

And I have been to loads of nights out, where I have had to have a private 5 minutes, in a corridor or toilet, to have a silent weep. before plastering on the fun face to sit with coupled up friends.

I really tried at the two weddings last year, and I did have an okay time, but it is all the pathetic little things that couples take for granted, like standing at the bar to get a drink, realising that I was the only woman having to go and get her own drink, all the way to the end of the night, sitting in my seat, with a plastered on smile, dying inside, as everyone gets up for the slow dances. Killer.

The internet is a joke. Age definitely comes into it again. I am too old for the majority of the decent looking blokes, and really am not interested in the older ones, who insist that they are "attractive".

Anyway, thanks for letting me hijack your thread to have a good old moan, I feel better now

I have read over all the posts in this thread and so many of them make so much sense.

And I know that lots of couples are not happy, but tbh the way I feel, I don't consider that

I hope your engagement party goes well tonight, you never know what might happen.

I don't really agree with the "being independant putting men off" thing. To me thats a bit of a red herring.

Hatesponge - you're in your late 30s only! To me, really thats young! No need to give up yet. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway (or not).

No interests at all?

Janelikesjam, As a man I DO think that women who come over as being totally capable and independent are quite scary. Essentially men still need to feel wanted for what they can offer. if you can do it all then what role is there for any man ???

Ahhhh, South London. I know what you are facing. I moved continents to meet DH (after being single for ages - divorced). There were no men who were middling IYSWIM. Nice looking, decent job, nice clothes, reasonable family. It was all overachieving lawyers and the like or the opposite (unemployed, musicians, lazy, smelly). Move to North America. Lots of yummy men here.

amithatbad, your post made me really sad .
I really don't understand why getting into a relationship is seen as some great thing, and that you are missing out if you don't.
Not criticising or judging, really, It just saddens me and I don't understand why you would feel like that.

Hello Sponge, I met you about a year ago at a meet up and I can confirm that you're a really lovely person. You struck me as confident and independent and to me those are good qualities to have.

I've been single for 3 years now (don't know where the time's gone) and as much as I loved being with my husband and loved being part of a couple for over 20 till I got exchanged for a younger model, There's no way on earth I want to have another relationship with anyone. I went on a few dating websites and was shocked and depressed at what was there for my age group (a bit older than you). You may well meet someone sometime but in the meantime try and enjoy all the many pluses of being single.

Amithatbad.........your description of of being at the wedding with a plastered on smile, dying inside sent shivers through me, I would have left and gone home. When my H left me, some of my friends were jealous of me. It's taken a long time but now I understand why.

Good friends and a good relationship with your DC are worth their weight in gold and I'm more than content with that. The dog is also a massive bonus with her totally unconditional love.

Well done on your amazing weight loss Sponge.

Sniffy, I realise that I must sound sad.

It's probably because I have had years of being the one that deals with everything.

I work FT, my beloved DD has SN, my life is constant juggling, but with absolutely no safety net.

And I know it's wrong, but I do really feel so sad, compared to all the coupled up people I know. One friend has just had a second child and because her DP earns enough, has decided to cut her hours to spend more time with the children.

And I am jealous......I can't help it, I am. (well this is the AIBU thread :))

I just want to to come home and be able to offload some of my emotions onto someone else. Even to just have some physical contact with an adult, and I'm only talking about a bloody hug, nothing else. Instead I keep it all bottled up. My wee one is only 12 and in a world of her own.

God, reading back, i sound like a right whinging cow, but I just wish those that were more fortunate woulld count their blessings.

Actually, this is probably the wrong site for me, does nothing for my bloood pressure:)

Anyway, this is Hatesponge's thread, don't want to take over with my moans.

Hope she had a good time at the engagement party