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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset

64 replies

Ivortheengine8 · 19/08/2011 17:25

I'm feeling a bit angry and upset but can't work out if its my hormones (I'm 31 weeks pregnant) or if I am over reacting in some other way.

Sometimes this girl I met at our local toddler group comes around to our house. She has a ds who is about a year old but has had a few issues with her not being able to cope and she has a social worker involved. (she is about 21 and lives on her own with her dc)
Anyway her dc is currently staying at her parents as she told me she couldn't cope with him atm.

Anyway She always asks me if she can take my 22 month old dd for a walk when she comes around. I am a bit reluctant usually as she did once and my dd came back with her face smothered in chocolate before her tea and I just felt a bit strange.

Anyway today she asks as usual and I said ok then. She said she was just going to the shop opposite and said to my daughter 'want to go out for a walk for half an hour?' - I thought ok, its really close and should be at the most half an hour.

they went out at 3.30pm...............I called at 4.30pm as they still werent back. No answer, called again and sent a message and had no answer. I started to worry at 5pm and I got on my shoes and went out to look for them.
I walked down to the park and up towards the shop (no fun as its ll up hill and I was bloody tired and hot) and I was getting more and more frustrated.

I get a call afterwards that she is outside my house so I have to walk all the way home to find them sitting outside our place, again dd has chocolate smothered all over her face and its her tea time. I am pissed off but I remained calm and said 'I thought you were just going to the shop?'
I told her I had been out looking for them and she replied......' thats madness' and seemed to think I was being really silly.

Anyway I am still pissed off with myself really for letting dd go when I wasnt 100 per cent about it and worrying myself sick.

On the other hand I think I am being silly and over reacting.

Mumsnetters put me right, am I being stupid?

OP posts:

NevermindtheNargles · 19/08/2011 17:28

No you're not.

milkshakejake · 19/08/2011 17:29

no, you're not, but you should always trust your gut instinct when it comes to your children. She doesn't sound quite right to me. I wouldn't let your dd out with her again, or leave her alone with her for any amount of time (probably paranoid, but better safe than sorry). If you say half an hour, when you've got someone else's child, you must mean half an hour or 45 mins max... not 2 hours!

SenoritaViva · 19/08/2011 17:29

Actually I wouldn't have let her go out with my DD alone. I'm not a paranoid parent but I think if she has a DC who she isn't looking after she should be putting that time in with her DC not yours. She doesn't sound reliable (both from her current situation and what happened today).

I don't think you're over reacting at all and I would not trust her again at all.

MrsCampbellBlack · 19/08/2011 17:30

No you're not unreasonable but as the others have said - do not trust her again.

TheOriginalFAB · 19/08/2011 17:31

YANBU and I think you need to have some confidence in your own gut feelings. I wouldn't allow my dd out with her again and if she askes why tell her she can't be trusted to bring her back in time. Did she ask if your dd can have chocolate? What if she had a serious allergy to it?

LineRunner · 19/08/2011 17:33

I would have have screamed at her. Seriously. 'Where the fuck have you been?' And I've have found out where she'd been, and what she'd been doing with my child.

YANBU except that you didn't fucking twat her.

worraliberty · 19/08/2011 17:33

Where were they and why didn't she answer her phone?

Original poster

Ivortheengine8 · 19/08/2011 17:33

Thankyou so much ladies for not grilling me too because I do feel pretty awful :(
I am so glad you agree. I said to dd on the way upstairs 'we won't be doing that again!'

OP posts:

Mitmoo · 19/08/2011 17:34

She can't look after her own but disappears with yours. Not a chance in hell are you BU. Trust your instincts in future.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 19/08/2011 17:37

You were trying to be nice and not upsetting her by letting her take your DC out, so don't be too hard on yourself. But she has proved she can't be trusted.

Mitmoo · 19/08/2011 17:39

Try and find out if you can where they've been and check your child over really carefully I don't want to worry you but I'd have to know my child is ok.

MumblingRagDoll · 19/08/2011 17:41

I agree with Mitmoo chesk her carefully. what on earth did you let someone you don't know well and who is involved with social services take your child
for??

Original poster

Ivortheengine8 · 19/08/2011 17:45

I'm just DH wasn't home yet or he would have been really annoyed with me.
I think it was the fact she said she was just walking to the shop across from us and the fact she keeps asking and maybe I thought I was being over protective not letting her go.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 19/08/2011 17:46

Christ, I didn't mean that anything abusive had been going on - no need for paranoia here - but I would insist on knowing where in fuck's name they had been, and having a very good sweary scream.

Did she take your child to a mate's house, for example? To the local Wetherspoons? Why was the phone off?

Honestly, I'd have had her by the neck.

And I'm a pacifist.

EverythingInMiniature · 19/08/2011 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

baboos · 19/08/2011 17:50

Sounds to me like she is missing time with her own child, but can't cope with the reality of a child 24/7. I personally wouldn't let her take my child out again and trust your instincts.

Original poster

Ivortheengine8 · 19/08/2011 17:52

The phone was ringing line but she wasnt picking up. I think they probably just had a wander around to be honest and she said they had been down the 'toy' aisle!
I think she thinks she is trying to help me out by taking dd off for a bit tbh. but its more trouble than it's worth.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ivortheengine8 · 19/08/2011 17:53

baboos I think you are probably right.

OP posts:

Mitmoo · 19/08/2011 18:03

Ivor that kind of help you can do without. I don't know a soul who has had social services involved in the care of their child.

Huge warning bells should have been clanging, listen to them next time. At best she is massively irresponsible.

Original poster

Ivortheengine8 · 19/08/2011 18:08

Thanks mitmoo. She just texted me and can't understand why I was upset.
I have learnt my lesson. (and she is the only person I know who tells me she has ss involved!)

OP posts:

sillyworriedmama · 19/08/2011 18:11

if you want to preserve the friendship, and do her a favour in the long run, then sit her down and explain to her exactly why you were worried. Tell her that parents set boundaries, which are designed to keep their children safe, and everyone - EVERYONE - who is involved with your child needs to respect them. Setting a time limit on a trip out and feeding your DC healthy food instead of chocolate are not unreasonable boundaries.

She is young, and clearly as SS are involved has struggled to make the transition to being a mum. Learning what a healthy boundary is and why they are so important would actually be very beneficial for her. She may have very few role models in her life who are willing to share this kind of guidance with her. If she likes and trusts you, then it's worth a try.

Even if she flares up and doesn't understand you have tried, and can then most certainly back off from the friendship, but you would probably feel better about doing that knowing you've stood up for yourself and also given her a chance to reflect on why you are upset.

Original poster

Ivortheengine8 · 19/08/2011 18:18

Yes silly, thats good advice.
I have texted back saying why I was upset but she has told me to 'come on' as if I am being silly about it.
At the moment I am still upset about it and I will be keeping my distance.

OP posts:

Mitmoo · 19/08/2011 18:22

silly lovely advice, mine would be to tell her to go and boil her head.

No one let's me scared that my child might not be safe, make me feel they've gone missing (God knows I had a bad enough weekend when the ex refused to return my teen), a person she's met at a playgroup whose mothering is so damaged she has Social Services involvement and can't care for her own child, wouldn't be my problem and I certainly wouldn't allow her near my child again after putting the eebie jeebies into me.

You are clearly a lovely person sllly I'm not. I get all tigress syndrome when it comes to my son.

Mitmoo · 19/08/2011 18:23

Ivor if she doesn't get it, she'll do it again given half a chance.

Strike her off your Xmas Card list.

LineRunner · 19/08/2011 18:36

OP, if she's saying, 'Oh, come on,' trying to cajole you into letting it lie, then she has either no sense, or she is up to something.

No good will come of this 'friendship'. Give her advice by all means on boundaries and child-rearing, but your own child is not her bloody pet or her experiment.

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