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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset

64 replies

Ivortheengine8 · 19/08/2011 17:25

I'm feeling a bit angry and upset but can't work out if its my hormones (I'm 31 weeks pregnant) or if I am over reacting in some other way.

Sometimes this girl I met at our local toddler group comes around to our house. She has a ds who is about a year old but has had a few issues with her not being able to cope and she has a social worker involved. (she is about 21 and lives on her own with her dc)
Anyway her dc is currently staying at her parents as she told me she couldn't cope with him atm.

Anyway She always asks me if she can take my 22 month old dd for a walk when she comes around. I am a bit reluctant usually as she did once and my dd came back with her face smothered in chocolate before her tea and I just felt a bit strange.

Anyway today she asks as usual and I said ok then. She said she was just going to the shop opposite and said to my daughter 'want to go out for a walk for half an hour?' - I thought ok, its really close and should be at the most half an hour.

they went out at 3.30pm...............I called at 4.30pm as they still werent back. No answer, called again and sent a message and had no answer. I started to worry at 5pm and I got on my shoes and went out to look for them.
I walked down to the park and up towards the shop (no fun as its ll up hill and I was bloody tired and hot) and I was getting more and more frustrated.

I get a call afterwards that she is outside my house so I have to walk all the way home to find them sitting outside our place, again dd has chocolate smothered all over her face and its her tea time. I am pissed off but I remained calm and said 'I thought you were just going to the shop?'
I told her I had been out looking for them and she replied......' thats madness' and seemed to think I was being really silly.

Anyway I am still pissed off with myself really for letting dd go when I wasnt 100 per cent about it and worrying myself sick.

On the other hand I think I am being silly and over reacting.

Mumsnetters put me right, am I being stupid?

OP posts:
activate · 19/08/2011 18:43

I hear huge alarm bells here

She has no empathy nor understanding of parenting boundaries

I would not be allowing her in my house again

I would not be seeing her again

the "oh come on" is the icing on the cake

activate · 19/08/2011 18:44

she will have been offered parenting support and classes

I would not get sucked in to feeling too sorry for her

I would be backing the hell away from her and her problems

shut door with a slam - no more

TheGhostNotMe · 19/08/2011 18:56

I would not let someone who has social services involved and doesnt have care of their own child take mine for 10 minutes let alone 2 hours.

You only have her word for why her son isnt living with her. If she has a social worker and her child is living with her parents that would strike huge alarm bells with me.

What do you get out of this friendship? Becuase it has to be something major?

Original poster
Ivortheengine8 · 19/08/2011 18:56

Thankyou again everyone. Some really good advice and I will take it. It's what I guess I was hoping to hear instead of me thinking I was being silly.
My pregnancy brain has been playing up this week (worn my top insideout twice :() and sometimes it's difficult to assess when you are upset.

I have not had an apology as such but she seems to think I am over reacting. I think I have felt a bit sucked into feeling sorry for her because of her dc and I know she has found it tough but then we all have at some point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ivortheengine8 · 19/08/2011 18:59

theghost, if I am honest not a lot. I am 10 years older and we have little in common, I think it was just easy for her to drop in every now and again with her dc when he was around as she lived close and I didn't mind that. I think I wanted to encourgae her as she told me she doesnt really have any friends here and her family live a long way away.

OP posts:
ZillionChocolate · 19/08/2011 18:59

I'm with the Ghost Not Me. I wouldn't take her word for why her DC is with her parents. This might not truly be voluntary. I wonder whether there are any restrictions on her contact with her DC, the same safeguards should apply to yours. Not sure whether they'll be any help, but I would try and speak to her social worker and ask whether there's any need for special care as far as your child is concerned.

limetrees · 19/08/2011 19:00

Don't beat yourself up about it because there was no harm done. However, do not ever let your child into her care again.

You just feel sorry for her because you are nice. Personally, I would be distancing myself.

Original poster
Ivortheengine8 · 19/08/2011 19:07

Thanks lime. Zillion quite possibly, I don't really understand her situation as she tells me bits and pieces now and again.

OP posts:
musttidyupmusttidyup · 19/08/2011 19:08

YADNBU
There comes a time when you have to stop being nice because you feel sorry for her. This is that time. Cut her out from your life. What she did is unforgivable worrying you like that. Big alarm bells- there has to be a serious problem for SS to be involved. Stay away.

ImperialBlether · 19/08/2011 19:17

What do you think she was doing for all that time? Did she have any kind of explanation?

I think you should have listened to your gut instinct. I know you were trying to be kind, but you can't afford to be kind when it comes to people going out with your child. Unless you know you can absolutely trust them, they shouldn't be allowed to take them out.

She clearly has no idea of boundaries. Even when you explained it to her, she didn't understand it. I wonder why her child is actually not living with her. I know you say she couldn't cope, but it does sound as though there was some very bad parenting involved.

FabbyChic · 19/08/2011 19:21

Sorry but what the fuck are you doing? She cannot cope with her own child but you allow her out with yours?

You must be barking mad.

EldritchCleavage · 19/08/2011 19:40

Ivor, I am slightly worried you are not more angry and alarmed. Without wanting to sound unkind, letting her take your child out, with all the background, was a very odd decision and I do urge you to think carefully about why you felt pressured into doing it against your own instincts.

Her behaviour is really quite strange-from the nagging to take your daughter out, to the disappearing act with no word where she was (she must have known you were ringing her. She ignored you and has not bothered to explain why), to the shrugging response when you try to convey why you were worried.

In your shoes I would drop her, I have to say.

ImperialBlether · 19/08/2011 19:52

I would drop her, too. You do need, as Eldritch says, to look at how you felt manipulated into letting her take your child.

In your position, I would be angry enough to speak to social services about her.

Original poster
Ivortheengine8 · 19/08/2011 20:38

Eldritch, you have a point, why did I feel so pushed to let dd go with her? weird thinking about it actually. I am not as assertive as I would like to be but then I am not a pushover either and I really am not sure how to answer that. Before I have made excuses but on the two occasions I felt some kind of pressure to do it.

Its very strange and I feel kind of weird about it.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 19/08/2011 20:42

I wouldn't have her in the house again, OP. She is a manipulative woman, clearly. You knew you shouldn't let your daughter go with her and yet you did - she is clearly capable of making you act outside your own boundaries and I would avoid her like the plague.

Amaretti · 19/08/2011 20:45

Has any other friend ever asked to take your DD out? No, thought not. It's not normal behaviour and you need to say no.

Original poster
Ivortheengine8 · 19/08/2011 20:46

I'm feeling pretty guilty! Not going to tell DH now because I think he will be upset too and mad at me.

OP posts:
Mitmoo · 19/08/2011 20:46

Ivor re assertiveness practice the "stuck record technique."

She asks to take her out, you say "not in childs best interest at the moment"

She says, "I will only be 10 minutes". You say "not in childs best interest at the moment"

She says, "You let me last week". You say "not in childs best interest at the moment" etc.

Even the pushiest person will run out of steam, don't get dragged into a discussion one sentence that says no, and repeat.

Secrecy · 19/08/2011 20:48

Make sure you know what you're going to say should she ever want to take your child out again - then you won't be pressured into anything you feel uncomfortable with!

Original poster
Ivortheengine8 · 19/08/2011 20:50

Funnily enough, I did say to her a while ago if she needed to go out or wanted me to have her dc for a couple of hours I would be happy to do so, but she never took me up on it!

OP posts:
LineRunner · 19/08/2011 20:51

Two things. I don't think this is a secret that you should necessarily keep from your DH. And, I think you drop the friendship altogether.

ImperialBlether · 19/08/2011 20:56

I agree. Tell your DH about it (not necessarily tonight, but this weekend) and drop the friendship. Don't let her in your house again.

You should be furious, OP!

Original poster
Ivortheengine8 · 19/08/2011 21:07

I will drop the friendship. I do feel I have been stupid and learnt my lesson.
Thanks everyone for helping me decide on this one. Appreciate all your responses. :)

OP posts:
maristella · 19/08/2011 21:08

I think it's against the law for someone either with their child under child protection or with their child removed from their care to care for someone's child. I'm not sure of the exact details, but it makes a lot of sense.

She cannot care for her own child, do not let her care for yours. You do not know the circumstances of her child's removal, she could have told you a pack of lies. How would you feel if you discovered her child was removed because she was using the child to shoplift to fund a habit? Or much worse that her child was removed to protect it from her paedophile partner? It's not as unusual as you think.

Aside from that, she has completely disrespected you as a parent by ignoring your calls, coming back late and pusing to have time alone with your child in the first place.

I know you said you are not very assertive, but when it comes to the safety of your child you need to get assertive. If you don't feel confident enough to refuse her unreasonable and persistent requests then shut her out of your life. When you questioned her she dismissed your concerns about her taking your child out for much longer than arranged and without responding to your calls. Totally unacceptable

FakePlasticTrees · 19/08/2011 21:15

OMG - this woman isn't able to look after her own child, but you trust her to look after yours? OP - stop being nice, this woman should not be left in sole charge of your child for 2 minutes, not 2 hours. You are allowed to say no if someone asks to take your child for a walk.

Do not let this woman in your life. You have a toddler and are about to have a second baby, you don't have the headspace for someone who's a bit fucked up. She's not your problem.