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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think 'How are you going to feed your baby?' is a stupid question??

89 replies

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 18/08/2011 17:54

I am pg with DC4 so I should be used to this question by now!

But the first time I was asked this with DC1 (I was 18) I was stumped, there was a long pause before the MW said 'breast or bottle?'.

'Oh' I said 'Breast, of course' as I had only ever known breastfeeding within my own (quite large) family, and I had seen people express to bottle feed too. I had never realised it was a choice between breast or bottle. How sheltered I was!

Has anyone else ever thought of it this way? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Clueless79 · 19/08/2011 05:18

The question from the HV that always irritates me is 'so are you still breastfeeding?'. Usually in a simpering sympathetic tone, like you poor thing.

I wouldn't be asked if I was formula feeding.

It just serves to subtly reinforce the idea that breastfeeding is something inherently difficult and maybe I'll have given up by now (4months). This is how I have chosen to feed my baby, thank you, and I'll be sticking at it through thick and thin unless something really drastic happens. If I was less resilient then this would really chip away at my confidence as it hasn't all been plain sailing.

I think hcp need some training on managing discussions around infant feeding - I'd much rather have been asked 'so how's the breastfeeding going then?' and if I was having issues I would be going into a more positive discussion.

Mind you the 'are you still...' question routinely gets asked by plenty of people as if it's something they don't expect you to have fully committed to. Think I'll start asking the same of people who are bottle feeding...

x2boys · 19/08/2011 08:09

Some people breast feed some people bottle feed get over it i for one tried breast feeding with my first but had so little support from the professionals i quickly gave up did nteven attempt breast feeding with my second both perfectly healthy

tryingtoleave · 19/08/2011 08:22

I get where the op is coming from. I had my first dc at 28 and I didn't really think there was any option but bfing. I knew formula existed but I didn't really think anyone used it. I hadn't had much contact with babies ( first of my friends to have a baby) and hadn't consciously thought about it but that was how I felt. Maybe my mother bfing my sisters had influenced me, even though I don't remember seeing it.

I have read since that my sort of attitude is the best precondition for successful bfing.

StealthPolarBear · 19/08/2011 08:29

Well I had no pre conceptions but was "brainwashed" by the books I read, MN and the NHS. Glad I was!

hairfullofsnakes · 19/08/2011 08:39

Goof on you for seeing bf as the way to go op - it's a shame it's not the default choice.

ShoppingForCarbsWithClaire · 19/08/2011 08:43

I think OP wants a nice, big, shiney breasefeeding medal.

Here you go OP.

ShoppingForCarbsWithClaire · 19/08/2011 08:43

*breastfeeding

tryingtoleave · 19/08/2011 08:55

Sheesh, there are a lot of defensive people on this thread.

notcitrus · 19/08/2011 09:16

I sort of get where the OP is coming from - I'd had very little contact with babies before having mine, but I'd certainly got the impression that everyone started off trying to breastfeed and formula was a wonderful backup if it didn't work. Probably from my parents, given that as I was premature and in hospital miles away from them, I never got breastfed.

During pregnancy I realised that this wasn't the case by the MWs reactions to trying to talk me into bf after I'd already said I was going to - she was on autopilot - and then on the postnatal ward getting 1:1 attention from a bf adviser. She didn't have anyone else to help out of 20 women on the ward. There was a room with a sofa and free TV for bfing in, and no-one else ever came in it.

DilysPrice · 19/08/2011 09:16

I bet Norwegian mums don't get asked "How will you be feeding your baby?"

tulipgrower · 19/08/2011 09:46

Nobody asked me how I was going to feed my baby, but then I don't live in the UK.

I guess here it was just assumed that you give breastfeeding a go first, because based on the current research it is beneficial to both the mother and baby. So, just the logical choice health wise. (And you get a lot of support if there are issues -> special nurses/MWs, free electric pumps,..) Fortunately formula is around as a great substitute when breastfeeding partially or completely fails.

(Let's be honest, why would they bother with breast milk banks, particularly to feed premature babies, if breast milk didn't have a slight edge over formula?)

Grumpygils · 19/08/2011 10:12

YABU No mother in the UK should be asked directly how they intend to feed their baby. There should, of course, be several opportunities to discuss feeding antenatally, but asking directly in this way is poor practice and does not reflect the best practice of UNICEF Baby Friendly standards:

"We strongly recommend that pregnant women are not merely asked a closed
question about how they plan to feed their baby. This is for several reasons:

*Firstly, asking this question implies that the woman should have made this
decision already when, in practice, she can be directed by her instincts once
her baby is born.
*Secondly, the response ?I?m going to bottle feed? can make it more difficult
for the health professional to continue the conversation with information
relating to breastfeeding.
*Thirdly, it is easy to assume that mothers who have decided to breastfeed,
especially those who have breastfed before, know what they need to know
about the benefits and management of it. This can be far from the truth and
these mothers can miss out on important information as a result. Staff may
need to adjust the way they give information when faced with an obviously
experienced breastfeeding mother. This is a useful training point.

If necessary, records which require the documentation of antenatal feeding
intention should be amended to avoid this."

People who need information about bottle feeding should be given info and support just as much as those who need info about breastfeeding.

Tigresswoods · 19/08/2011 10:18

Like you I had only ever seen family breast feed so it was an automatic decision for me. However having had my child (and breast fed successfully with no problems) I do realise that not everyone is in this position & it is their right to choose what suits them.

DontCallMeFrothyDragon · 19/08/2011 10:19

It's a choice, remember?

My mum couldn't breastfeed. She seemed to place her resentment from that onto me when I could, and made my breastfeeding days hell.

Anyway, humourous anecdote. When DS was born, DB had literally no experience of newborn babies. So, when he asked what DS ate, and I replied milk, he was rather shocked... promptly followed with "yeah, but what proper food does he eat?" Hmm

Yes, my brother is that stupid... Grin

ledkr · 19/08/2011 10:31

Stealth smuggery imho.

StealthPolarBear · 19/08/2011 12:39

me or in general

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 19/08/2011 13:04

YABU. It's the only sensible question to ask, surely? Confused My friend had a baby recently and throughout pregnancy and afterwards, her antenatal class leaders/midwives/health visitors all seemed to make an assumption that she would bf and have an agenda that she should. For various reasons she went for bottle/formula and said she felt immense pressure and was guilt-tripped about it. B/feeding is not for everyone, and I'd rather health professionals kept an open mind and could advise about all the options rather than assume that you'd take what THEY thought was the best or only one.

sausagesandmarmelade · 19/08/2011 13:26

YABU

LifeIsButtercream · 19/08/2011 13:41

If I was asked this, I would be tempted to reply "through her mouth, preferably" Wink

Clueless79 · 19/08/2011 13:43

It's not really what this discussion's about but I have to say that idea that breastfeeding is the best method for feeding babies isn't just an opinion held by health care professionals.

Sure enough, you can choose whether or not it's for you but it's undeniably better for babies and we can't blame anyone for promoting it! IMO it should be treated as the default option it naturally is.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 19/08/2011 13:46

'best' is a bit of a hazy term, though, isn't it? In my friend's case, her baby was tiny and wouldn't/couldn't feed from the breast. Formula/bottle has turned out to be 'best' for her because she wouldn't have been able to feed and put on any weight otherwise. I don't know about promoting breastfeeding either; in this case the unspoken suggestion seemed to be that you were somehow failing if you couldn't or chose not to breastfeed.

gillybean2 · 19/08/2011 13:48

'How are you going to feed your baby?' is kind of a stupid question, because the question should be 'Do you intend to breast or bottle feed?'

If we can't even say the word 'breast' without worrying it will offend then how can we hope for it to be seen as perfectly normal!?

Lonnie · 19/08/2011 13:48

It is a very cultural question in many (developed) cultures it will not be asked. I did not understand the question at all when it was put to me 14 years ago pg with dd1 because my cultural lense like OP's is that of a breastfeeding community (I grew up in Scandinavia)

I find it sad it is a nessesarry question and I also think it is one of the reasons why there is such a low uptake rate in the UK for breastfeeding as it actually suggests that it may not be possible to bf.

Doesnt mean I do not feel if you wish to formula feed your baby you should be allowed/have every right to do so. I just think the fact it gets presented as a question casts doubt at the womans belief in herself she is able to breastfeed and it will make some mums not even try because if they need to be asked then it might be to hard (and before any lynches me for this I have had mothers tell me this was exactly their experience so I do know this can happen - it will not mean that was what happened to all mothers that chose to formula feed)

I would like there to be a culture where mothers felt guilt free to pick what ever feeding option they wished however I would personally prefeer that feedign choice for breastfeeding to be much much higher Sadly I think questions like that one is one that goes against breastfeeding.

I do not however have a better worded question to suggest I would prefeer it asked much later though than at booking in.

ledkr · 19/08/2011 13:50

haha no stealth not you,the op Grin i had to think really hard then.

MamaLazarou · 19/08/2011 13:53

Yes, you're right, Clueless: that's not what this discussion's about.

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