Crisis point: AIBU to tell him to leave his own house?

[SpareRoomSleeper]

Crisis point for me right now, so even though I know its harsh on AIBU, I need advice.

Things have come to a complete head with DH. I just snapped when I was making his breakfast. I said "youre always here, everywhere I turn youre just there. I need to breathe". He was stunned, he got up to leave and I threw his breakfast in the bin. He walked out of the house, then he came back fuming, shouting, saying he'd never let me bully him out of his home. He told me to pack my bags and leave, taking DD. Go to my mums.

But I told him to leave. He laughed in my face, and said I was so stupid. He says the house is in HIS name, and HE decides who will live in it.

He banged my laptop really hard when I was upstairs; this is the first time he's been voilent. It hasnt broken but the top cover bit came loose from the actual laptop. Ive snapped it back into place but am absolutely fuming; he knows how much I had to save up for this. When I came down he was shouting and swearing very very loud, and DD said "dont shout at my mummy". I just there colouring a picture on DD's easel.

Im shaking as I write this. Hes gone to his mums with DD, on crutches - he broke his leg afew weeks ago. I dont even know how hes going to hold her hand across the roads.

He said things to me that I dont think i'll ever forget. How I have had an awful upbringing, and how my parents never taught me anything. My father passed away in may, and his comments have cut me raw.

Im starting a university course in afew weeks - I got a place although it was very competitive to get in. DD's nursery application has been accepted - she starts soon too. And my mum lives in another city.

I know all this is jumbled and incoherent - but I cant think straight.

What are my options right now - I need some sensible advice. Please me gente.

What can the gp do? I dont want to go on Anti depressants.

If you moved in to HIS house that he had already purchased you cannot register an interest in it as it is not yours.

It is obvious you would spend money on a place you lived in, any place even rented you cannot assume that because you have spent money on it you have a vested interest in it, you don't.

I don't think it was an odd thing to say at all. I think it's pretty typical of the crap people spout during a bad argument.

Basically I don't think too much concern should be placed on what is said during a row. People tend not to let the facts get in the way of trying to cause the other person hurt. Something they were both guilty of during this row.

They both need to calm down, then have a mature chat about what they want to do with their relationship. Then they need to sort out the practicalities with their daughters bet interests at heart.

""But he did say leave in reponse to me saying to him "Im sick of you", and he said WELL WHY DONT YOU LEAVE THEN? Go, just go, just go." Then he said, actually i'll make it easy for you; I'll tell them to come and pick you up. I'll do it, I'll do it. "

Do you know SRS, I don't think I blame him.

If you spoke to me like that I'd react in exactly the same way. If I'm "always there", if you're "sick of me" well then darlin' why don't you get out of my house... I'll help you pack.

If there's more from your POV then I apologise but going on what you're saying I feel somewhat sorry for your DH.

Do you think you have depression, if you're angry and miserable all the time? Maybe a trip to your GP might help to start you on the road to improving your life?

Oh love :(

I think some temporary space may be the thing then. Does he have parents nearby? Or friends or anything....Is there any way you could work out some way to have a little break from each other but you still manage to start your course?

People say all sorts of horrible unreasonable things when they are angry and upset. just as you probably didn't mean everything that came out of your mouth, the chances are neither did he.

I don't know if you should stay together or not, but if you do still feel love and you think, underneath it all, he still feels love, then it's worth a shot if only for your daughter's sake. He has agreed to counselling and that indicates that he wants to save whatever you had.

You need some blunt, honest talking. No shouting or threats but I think you must make clear to him that being a sahm means that you are responsible for childcare when he is at work. It doesn't mean you are responsible for his personal things, like cooking him breakfast every day - you are not a housekeeper, but an equal partner in this relationship. Clearly you are resentful because he doesn't value what you do, so you need to point out why it benefits your family. It does mean that he is fee to work and not be hindered by child care arrangements or children's illness.

Remember too, that he is under pressure because of the work situation and it is not easy living with someone who is angry. Judging from what you post, neither of you has behaved well. You mustn't threaten to keep him from his child - you should only threaten what you are prepared to follow through and you couldn't do this to him. He loves his child and his child loves him.

In a practical sense, you could get a charge put against the house. Can you prove what you have contributed financially. Might be worth digging out receipts. I wouldn't move out, because it does make it harder to enforce your rights, but you can't make him leave either.

In your position, I'd try to fix this (I know I say this without knowing all the history), but I would stop waiting on him at home and perhaps consider woh and sharing the child care so you can both appreciate a little of what the other person does.

Yes, I moved into it when he had already bought it. I think that if I wanted the relationship to end and was completely ready to move on, I'd walk away from it all, just me and DD and nothing more. I couldnt give a crap about the house when it comes down to it.

but Im not ready to end my marriage. Deep down, I want it to work. Deep down, I think I do love him. And deep down, Im thankful for my life, because it is a good life.

But I just cant feel happy or not angry. I dont know how else to explain it. Its so difficult to explain, I just cry every time I try to dig abit deeper and try to understand it myself. I am not depressed; Im eating, sleeping and doing everything else fine.

but it cant go on like this can it? Its breaking us to pieces. And my poor little baby girl. My heart breaks when I think of the effect its having on her.

well then for her you need to go the doctor and try to fix this.

I think it goes along way in a relationship if you can admit to him that you are not perfect and 100% right and that there are faults on both sides. Apologise for the things you did, which you regret and chances are he will meet you half way and be sorry for the things he said and did, which he regrets.

Deep down, I think its greedy to try and snatch a house that belonged to him before we were married, or without me helping to buy it. So even though Ive spent alot of money on it (around £15,000), the house is still his. And if he doesnt want to be with me anymore, then I'd walk away from it I think.

Ive heard GP's offer only anti-depressants, and nothing else. And I dont see how they would help? And even if they do, how will they stop me from feeling angry all the time?

It's nice that you don't want to take what is his, but the money you invested in this house could have been used for a deposit on somewhere for you and dd. if you do split, I would suggest that at the least, he should reimburse you because he was happy for you to spend your money on his house.

i don't know if you should take anti depressants, but they have helped lots of people. There may be a way to manage your anger that you can access via the GP, it may even be that your depression manifests itself through anger. i really don't know, but you cannot carry on like this and the GP seems the best source of proper advice.

My GP arranged for a session of counselling which helped me enormously. I think you are suffering because of your Dad. When I lost a parent I virtually had a nervous breakdown and ended up on anti depressants. But they did help and I no longer have that nervous twitch am fine now :)

I definitely advise that you go to your Doctor.

Karma, thank you lots for all your posts. They were thoughtful and helpful, and I wish I was as calm and grounded as you seem to be.

Destiny, I dont think the root cause of it is my dad passing away, because I was feeling like this before that. It has become much worse after though. Sorry to hear about your loss of a parent; it does hit hard doesnt it, harder than you ever can imagine.

I will go to the docs. I would have called up now to make an appointment, but they're closed, so will do that tomorrow. Ive also just called Relate and made an appointment for an initial consultation. The woman was very nice. I spoke about concerns over not being able to afford it and she said we could pay £10 per session if we cant afford it. I cant believe that, that is amazing. Feel like I have to do something right now to fix this mess, but it would be like putting a plaster on a big, gaping wound.

Just thinking now, about the comments made about posters saying they feel sorry for DH. And I really regret losing it over breakfast. I felt awful when he was going around on his crutches, putting things in a bag for DD when they were going out.

DH always comments on couples lately - we were watching some programme on tv last night, and he kept commenting on how happy or tense the couples looked together, when the programme was about their kids. Its making me think now about how much he must always think about this, just like I do.

I would look up borderline personality disorder - that may explain why you feel angry all the time. Go to the doctor's for your daughters sake.

ahh, believe me SRS, I've had some fairly screechy rows with my dh in my time and said a whole heap of things I wish I could have taken back (him too fwiw). I think it's easier to see other peoples lives more calmly that your own.

Glad you've made an appt with Relate and will see the doctor. You can only try your best and these things will certainly do no harm and can give you a fresh perspective on things and give your dh a chance to talk about what's on his mind too.

Chestnut, I know all about that, I have a degree in Psychology. Yes, I'm even more pathetic than you might think.

I have actually really thought about this, and wonder if I do. Maybe thats why I'm so reluctant to go to the docs

good for you re docs and relate, anger management is very common and i bet you they have classes, my friends DH did one, and i did relate, it does help

really hope tonight better and you can work it out

and at you are clearly not happy with your anger, so address it

good luck and well done for taking action xxxx

DH is back with DD. She has two packets of sweets, looks like a trip to the shop happened out of guilt for shouting in front of her. Possibly to piss me off more too; I hate giving DD sweets, especially packs of them all at once.

He is now in the kitchen making something to eat - and im still on here.

Well go and talk to him them. Tell him you are sorry for what you said and that you didn't mean it. Tell him you are phoning the doctor in the morning and that you have also contacted relate. If nothing else, it shows you are serious about resolving your problems. Don't beg for forgiveness though - you may have started this particular row, but he is not without fault in this relationship either.

Be calm, don't get het up. Say that you love him and do want to sort out the relationship. Then let him think about it for a bit. Some people can't be rushed and like to mull things over.

He may not have bought the sweets to piss you off - give him the benefit of the doubt.

You can only control your own words and actions, so he will come to whatever conclusion he wants to, but either way, see relate and see the doctor. It will benefit you regardless of how this relationship pans out.

Best of luck x. Will be thinking of you

SpareRoomSleeper

"Possibly to piss me off more too; I hate giving DD sweets, especially packs of them all at once."

If you start looking for issues I'm sure you will find them.