Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Crisis point: AIBU to tell him to leave his own house?

77 replies

SpareRoomSleeper · 17/08/2011 16:49

Crisis point for me right now, so even though I know its harsh on AIBU, I need advice.

Things have come to a complete head with DH. I just snapped when I was making his breakfast. I said "youre always here, everywhere I turn youre just there. I need to breathe". He was stunned, he got up to leave and I threw his breakfast in the bin. He walked out of the house, then he came back fuming, shouting, saying he'd never let me bully him out of his home. He told me to pack my bags and leave, taking DD. Go to my mums.

But I told him to leave. He laughed in my face, and said I was so stupid. He says the house is in HIS name, and HE decides who will live in it.

He banged my laptop really hard when I was upstairs; this is the first time he's been voilent. It hasnt broken but the top cover bit came loose from the actual laptop. Ive snapped it back into place but am absolutely fuming; he knows how much I had to save up for this. When I came down he was shouting and swearing very very loud, and DD said "dont shout at my mummy". I just there colouring a picture on DD's easel.

Im shaking as I write this. Hes gone to his mums with DD, on crutches - he broke his leg afew weeks ago. I dont even know how hes going to hold her hand across the roads.

He said things to me that I dont think i'll ever forget. How I have had an awful upbringing, and how my parents never taught me anything. My father passed away in may, and his comments have cut me raw.

Im starting a university course in afew weeks - I got a place although it was very competitive to get in. DD's nursery application has been accepted - she starts soon too. And my mum lives in another city.

I know all this is jumbled and incoherent - but I cant think straight.

What are my options right now - I need some sensible advice. Please me gente.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 17/08/2011 17:08

How old is your Daughter?

Original poster

SpareRoomSleeper · 17/08/2011 17:12

She's 2, worra.

OP posts:

DogsBestFriend · 17/08/2011 17:12

I'm not suggesting that you SHOULD leave, SRS, or that you must, in law or otherwise. I'm saying that legally your DH does not have to leave his home in the slightest, no matter what you want. If you really can't bear to be with him the ONLY option you have is for YOU to leave - you cannot force him out.

worraliberty · 17/08/2011 17:13

Will he try for custody of your DD?

Original poster

SpareRoomSleeper · 17/08/2011 17:15

I do have my mums house, but its in another city and if I go even on a temporary basis, I'll miss the beginning of my course and DD's nursery.

We only agreed to have counselling a couple of days ago. DH said normally he would never do it, but he thinks we cant deal with our issues on our own, and we really need it. He agreed that it was both our fault. But just now, when he was shouting and swearing, he didnt seem to think any of it was his fault. I was the one with a bad upbringing, no manners, and no consideration for anyone.

Its not true.

OP posts:

Shakirasma · 17/08/2011 17:15

Exactly what I was trying to say Dogsbestfriend, but you put it better.

DogsBestFriend · 17/08/2011 17:17

"I just snapped when I was making his breakfast. I said "youre always here, everywhere I turn youre just there. I need to breathe". He was stunned, he got up to leave and I threw his breakfast in the bin"

Sorry SRS but you don't exactly sound blameless there.

Original poster

SpareRoomSleeper · 17/08/2011 17:19

Yes, he will, worra. He has a brilliant relationship with DD, I cant fault him on that account. He was threatening to call my family and brothers to come and pick me up, to get out of his house, and I said if he did that it would be completely over, and he would never see DD again. He said "we'll see about that. You and your army couldnt stop me from seeing her." He didnt contact my family though.

I have to admit that I have serious anger issues, and they only seem to getting worse. I am always, always angry. Im never voilent, but I shout, bang doors, swear and boil over on a regular basis. and I dont know how to stop it.

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 17/08/2011 17:20

"But just now, when he was shouting and swearing, he didnt seem to think any of it was his fault. I was the one with a bad upbringing, no manners, and no consideration for anyone. "

Thats an argument! despite everyones best intentons when you argue you say shitty things, thats the way it goes. DP is Italian and says vile things to me when we argue, I let it wash over me.

Look I really think you should calm down, and try counselling. Relate do discounted sessions for people that are struggling, and is not £35 a week worth it? You have to try and fight for this OP

of course I know only what I read here- but sounds like you are both stressed and pissed off and are taking it out on each other

festi · 17/08/2011 17:20

its hard to say without any background and you are keeping your cards very close to your chest on that one. But his reaction rightly or wrongly was a reaction to your very unreasonable attack on him.

Original poster

SpareRoomSleeper · 17/08/2011 17:21

I really, truly hate myself. once I threw his dinner after him in the garden as he was leaving the house. There was broken glass everywhere, I was finding it for weeks after, and DD couldnt play out till it was completely gone.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpareRoomSleeper · 17/08/2011 17:23

festi, what do you want to know?

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 17/08/2011 17:25

why not address your anger issues first? and calm down, I have a red rage myself but you have not been very nice to him, and you cant kick him out, esp with a broken leg

my advice, get off AIBU it will do fuck all as we dont know any background

but work on that anger girl, as its not good for you

festi · 17/08/2011 17:26

what lead to you snapping at him, how do you generaly treat other is he or you abusive or controling? or have you just grown to despise him?

I think that makes a difference in how you should go about seperating.

VelveteenRabbit · 17/08/2011 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoMoreWasabi · 17/08/2011 17:27

Can I check - is DD his daughter too or is she from a previous relationship?

ShoutyHamster · 17/08/2011 17:30

Two points:

it doesn't matter whose name is on the deeds, you're married, all is joint, it's YOUR house (and home) too. Tell him if he ever says that again - that it's all his - that he's welcome to start the divorce and then see how much of it all stay 'just his'.

he's not a brilliant father if he comes down and screams and shouts in front of your 2 year old. But why are you threatening that he'll never see her again? Isn't that JUST as bad as all the stuff he said to you? Could you IMAGINE how you'd feel if he made that threat to you?

he's behaved like a pig... but you - glass in the garden, dinner in the bin? It's not all one sided, is it?

You aren't blameless here. You two need to sit down and talk, and work out why you're both so angry. If you can, DON'T get completely hung up on 'what he said'. In the heat of the moment, I've said some truly awful things to my DH. Just as you reached immediately for the strongest possible weapon when he told you to leave - 'you'll never see her again'. The truth is, he probably said what he did because he knew they were things that would succeed in hurting you and at that moment he wanted to hurt you.

You need to talk. Do you want to be with him??

deariedearieme · 17/08/2011 17:30

i feel so sorry for him, he probably doesnt know which way is up

why cant you leave and go to your mother's? its his house. If the shoe was on the other foot, would YOU leave YOUR house if he shouted that you had to

Original poster

SpareRoomSleeper · 17/08/2011 17:30

She is his daughter too, nomore.

OP posts:

janelikesjam · 17/08/2011 17:31

strange thread to me ...

NoMoreWasabi · 17/08/2011 17:33

Ok well if he is her father then you really can't go around threatening that he'll never see her again. Its a very unfair threat and only going to escalate matters.

It sounds to me like internally you're in a giant spinning wheel and can't see the wood for the trees which has led to some of your behaviour. Perhaps him being away for a short while will allow everyone to calm down and discuss the situation rationally. Going to the doctors may also help.

Original poster

SpareRoomSleeper · 17/08/2011 17:33

I know i sound like a fucking monster, but underneath it all, I really am not. I do want to be with him. I just feel so SO angry. And miserable. All the damn time. When we talked about it calmly a couple of days ago, he asked me if he thought I loved him, and i said yes, and he laughed. He actually laughed.

OP posts:

ShoutyHamster · 17/08/2011 17:36

... but one thing, you need to tell him when all is calm - that it is NOT HIS HOUSE. If he were to 'call your mother and brothers to come and pick you up' - does he realise that all you would have to do is call the police, and they would take HIM away, for trying to force you out of your home? It would be a DV issue.

Again, repeat. You are married. It does not matter whose name is on the deeds. The assets of the marriage belong equally to both of you. Tell him to do just a tiny bit of googling to prove this. If you were to split it is entirely likely that, if you are the primary carer, you would be the one to stay in the house while he moves on!!!

I really do not like that part of it - his attitude that his own wife and child are somehow there only at his gracious behest. He needs that vision knocking right out of his head, and sharpish. If he thinks like that, I am beginning to see some reaon why things might be as bad as they are. Only a thought. It's a shocking and odd thing for him to say, he has not the slightest authority to make you leave. None at all. When he is calm, make these points very strongly.

Original poster

SpareRoomSleeper · 17/08/2011 17:42

Shouty, I will. Thank you.

But he did say leave in reponse to me saying to him "Im sick of you", and he said WELL WHY DONT YOU LEAVE THEN? Go, just go, just go." Then he said, actually i'll make it easy for you; I'll tell them to come and pick you up. I'll do it, I'll do it. "

OP posts:

DogsBestFriend · 17/08/2011 17:43

If the Police are going to waste time and resources taking a man (or woman) out of their own home on the strength of a phone call as described by you, shouty, no wonder this country's in a bloody mess!

Domestic violence my arse! Not snapping at you Shouty but at the law. I know that this is indeed considered to be DV but by fuck the law needs to deal with REAL DV properly before viewing this sort of action as such. It's an insult to those of us who still bear the physical and mental scars and who had to wait and fight so hard for very little, if any, justice.

Shocking, absolutely shocking.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread