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AIBU?

not to take the Morning After Pill?

80 replies

NeedaMAP · 17/08/2011 14:30

I've name changed for this, sorry. DH occasionally reads the funny threads on here and I don't want him recognising me discussing this. I'll try and be brief.

Married several years, very happily. Both have always agreed that we want children at some point, but we got together very young so neither of us put a time frame on it. After we got married, I was struck with a bad case of broodiness, we discussed it more concretely, and it turns out that he was thinking in several years hence.

We talked about it and talked about it, and his reasons were solid and I don't think I could find a better man to have children with, he's a lovely guy who'll be a great father some day, so I accepted it. But I did go off the Pill and we've used condoms since. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't mind a little bit. I've made peace with it, and I enjoy the freedom of being childless, but I do get my hopes up sometimes when AF is a bit late.

Now we have a fairly definite time frame of two years. This is based on the fact that I'm finishing some specialist training at the end of this year, and will then need to find work and get a bit of experience under my belt before taking maternity leave. I have a solid work background but the specialist training will allow me to do what I've always wanted to do.

This is the issue: last night, we had a whoops moment, and I'm mid-cycle, and he's asked if I wouldn't mind taking the MAP because he's not ready yet. I have no moral objections to emergency contraceptions or terminations or anything. But, but, but. I don't want to. I want a baby. I always have done. We can afford it; we've got good equity in the house, savings, and he's got a solid career. I can take leave from the training and finish a year later. But he's not ready yet, and I don't know that I can force his hand like this.

Help?

OP posts:

Report

worraliberty · 17/08/2011 15:29

I thought his birthday was bum sex night?

Anyone else wondering how the hell Lola knows that? Is there something you'd like to share with us?

LolaRennt · 17/08/2011 15:30

worraliberty · 17/08/2011 15:32

SchrodingersMew · 17/08/2011 15:33

onehellofaride · 17/08/2011 15:37

No night is bumsex night if it can be avoided!!

OP does your DH think that you will take the MAP? when he asked whether you minded do you think he might have been hoping you said you did mind and you wouldn't?

Earlybird · 17/08/2011 15:39

Medicine and birth control have given us a tremendous amount of control when it comes to choosing the right time to have a baby, We can (usually) prevent pregnancy if we don't want/aren't ready for a baby, and if an accidental pregnancy occurs, there are easily available ways to 'control' that too.

You and your dh have carefully mapped out a plan for your lives regarding the 'right' time for a baby. Last night, in a moment of lost control, that plan may have been put in jeopardy. It is very scary for 'planners' to have to deal with the unexpected - especially when it is such a potentially huge life change.

IME, while there are definitely 'wrong' times to have a baby, many people never feel absolutely ready. For many, it becomes at some point, a leap of faith. And that is scary for anyone - but especially for people who are used to planning and control.

You absolutely could decide together that this isn't the right time. Or, you could wait and see if you are pregnant - and let destiny decide if this is the right time for you both to have a child.

A final thought: for me, one of life's big lessons has come from having a child and it is this: sometimes, no matter how much I prepare/plan, the universe (and my child!) have different priorities and I just have to go along for the ride!

Good luck.

LolaRennt · 17/08/2011 15:41

TheOriginalFAB · 17/08/2011 15:42

If you don't take the MAP and are pregnant you still have choices. Have the baby and keep it, have the baby and give it up for adoption or terminate. Thinking about that may focus your mind enough to think that the MAP may not be such a diffucult thing after all.

QuintessentialShadow · 17/08/2011 15:46

Is Lola a sockpuppet?

Anyway....

oohlaalaa · 17/08/2011 15:46

We had this dilemma. I wanted babies as soon as we were married, DH wanted to leave it a couple of years, so that we'd got more money saved by us. I told him that MAP may affect my long-term fertility (made this up) and refused to take it. Didn't make an iota of difference, I still had my period.

Stick to your guns.

LolaRennt · 17/08/2011 15:53

um for who quintessential? I agreed with the Op, is that not acceptable or just not on AIBU? Or am I worra's, who I already disagreed with but then got chatting about bum sex to?

Sockpuppet is a bit of an annoying buzzword at the moment, isn't it?
Just a word people seem to use but never actually think about. Boring really

SchrodingersMew · 17/08/2011 15:58

I've seen Lola around loads, I don't think she's a "sock puppet", just someone with a light sense of humour. :)

InstantAtom · 17/08/2011 15:59

The MAP cannot "terminate a foetus", it prevents implantation of a fertilised egg.

TimeWasting · 17/08/2011 15:59

Take it. And tell him you won't take it again, so he knows where he stands.

QuintessentialShadow · 17/08/2011 16:00

I meant to be lighthearted, due to Lolas seemingly intimate knowledge of the ops husband birthday expectations. I did not mean to cause offense.

LolaRennt · 17/08/2011 16:02

SchrodingersMew thank you for acknowledging my existance. I am amazed I can be accused of suckpuppetry no one ever agrees with me!

LolaRennt · 17/08/2011 16:03

Ohhhhhhhh see I got confused there. So I have actually been accused of being your husband's bum sex sockpuppet

Oddly enough this I don't take offence to

SchrodingersMew · 17/08/2011 16:04

Quint Sorry if I jumped on it there, I have just seen so many people accused of trolling and sock puppetry lately it makes me sad when it's people I know aren't.

Lola It's fine, I see you around a lot. :)

OP Sorry for highjacking your thread, I guess that's what happens when you post about bumsex on MN. I hope you make the right decision for yourself.

LolaRennt · 17/08/2011 16:05

OP Sorry for highjacking your thread, I guess that's what happens when you post about bumsex on MN. I hope you make the right decision for yourself.

it is a hazard really

SchrodingersMew · 17/08/2011 16:07

Yup Yup. And rare to see it on a night that isn't Friday.

Nothing like a good bumsex thread. :o

froggers1 · 17/08/2011 16:15

Hi - well I have a 2.5 yr old DS and we had decided almost definately on no more. We stupidly had unprotected sex last month and I decided to go with the flow to see what happened and not take the MAP. Two weeks later I find myself pregnant....it can happen straightaway and I am past it in conceiving terms - 37! So, you have to be really sure you and your DH will be OK if this happens to you.....I would get the MAP then have a big discussion!! Good luck

NeedaMAP · 18/08/2011 00:50

Thanks all. I still don't know what the fuck I'm doing, but I have the MAP at least.

I know what will happen if we talk, though: he'll say it's up to me but [insert lots of good reasons to wait here] and I'll feel guilty if I don't take it and resentful if I do. The best case scenario, I suppose, is to not take it but then not conceive. I worry that if I do get pregnant, then every time I feel sick or tired or the baby is screaming or we can't afford a luxury, I'll feel like I can't ask for help because I chose the timing.

Anyway. From now on I shall be clearer about everything, including no bumsex on weekdays. That should solve it.

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CarnivalBizarre · 18/08/2011 01:15

I took the MAP within 12 hrs after a condom split - took one pill the first day, took the second 24 hrs later ...no sickness

Was still pregnant - I have a beautiful 5 yr old daughter as a result

I love all of my DC but wish I had more control over my fertility

TillyIpswitch · 18/08/2011 02:10

I worry that if I do get pregnant, then every time I feel sick or tired or the baby is screaming or we can't afford a luxury, I'll feel like I can't ask for help because I chose the timing.

Don't under-estimate this. The pressure we put on ourselves is often far greater than that put on by anyone else. And honestly, if you can see this happening, it probably will - real or imagined - you probably will feel like you have to take much more of your fair share of the rough than the smooth.

I think TimeWasting has the best solution - take it this time on the proviso that you're not 100% happy about it and that you won't take it again.

Morloth · 18/08/2011 03:48

I took the MAP once, it made my into a fucking dangerous crazy person. I had to ask DH to take DS1 away for the weekend because I was having visions of hurting him/them.

Never again, we use condoms at the moment and are fairly sure we don't want anymore kids. But if an accident happens there will be no MAP.

YANBU. Condom use comes with a risk that they will not be used correctly.

No real advice sorry, just don't feel that you have to do anything you don't want to do. It is your body, unfortunately for him he lost control of the situation last night, the next decision is yours.

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