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AIBU?

not to take the Morning After Pill?

80 replies

NeedaMAP · 17/08/2011 14:30

I've name changed for this, sorry. DH occasionally reads the funny threads on here and I don't want him recognising me discussing this. I'll try and be brief.

Married several years, very happily. Both have always agreed that we want children at some point, but we got together very young so neither of us put a time frame on it. After we got married, I was struck with a bad case of broodiness, we discussed it more concretely, and it turns out that he was thinking in several years hence.

We talked about it and talked about it, and his reasons were solid and I don't think I could find a better man to have children with, he's a lovely guy who'll be a great father some day, so I accepted it. But I did go off the Pill and we've used condoms since. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't mind a little bit. I've made peace with it, and I enjoy the freedom of being childless, but I do get my hopes up sometimes when AF is a bit late.

Now we have a fairly definite time frame of two years. This is based on the fact that I'm finishing some specialist training at the end of this year, and will then need to find work and get a bit of experience under my belt before taking maternity leave. I have a solid work background but the specialist training will allow me to do what I've always wanted to do.

This is the issue: last night, we had a whoops moment, and I'm mid-cycle, and he's asked if I wouldn't mind taking the MAP because he's not ready yet. I have no moral objections to emergency contraceptions or terminations or anything. But, but, but. I don't want to. I want a baby. I always have done. We can afford it; we've got good equity in the house, savings, and he's got a solid career. I can take leave from the training and finish a year later. But he's not ready yet, and I don't know that I can force his hand like this.

Help?

OP posts:

Report

SchrodingersMew · 17/08/2011 15:01

Seeing as he didn't use a condom (which you really should for bumsex btw as it is quite unhygenic and can cause bacterial infections) then I don't think you ABU for not taking the MAP.

I do think you should tell him you do not want to take it though.

CustardCake · 17/08/2011 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedaMAP · 17/08/2011 15:02

Fox, I stopped the Pill because I didn't want the hormones in my system any more, and because at the time I thought we might be TTC within the year. Not specifically because I wanted an accident, although I did also think well, you're the one who doesn't want the child yet, why should I have all the side effects?

He does know. Well, he did know. That first year was really hard on us, lots of anguished discussions about how he wished it could just be an accident and then he wouldn't have to decide, and me trotting out all sorts of platitudes about there never being a right time, etc. But ultimately, I accepted that if I was going to be with him I was going to wait and be alright with it, and backed off completely, and so I think he thought I had lost the urge and was as happy as him to wait? And I thought he still meant it about finding an accident easier to cope with. We'll definitely have to talk again. Doesn't help me now though. I feel like one of us is going to end up resenting the other one no matter what.

OP posts:

icooksocks · 17/08/2011 15:04

Bear in mind here he's asked if I wouldn't mind taking the MAP because he's not ready yet which at leasts suggests that her DH has asked and not told.

LolaRennt · 17/08/2011 15:05

bloody hell, I think some of you have been a bit harsh on her dh. They both didn't use a condom - surely contraception is the responsibility of both partners not only one?

Only the partner who doesn't want a baby! She can't force him to wear condom so she won't get pregnant because he doesn't want a baby and she shoudl never be pushed in to th epill if she wants to get pregnant.

Hoping for an accident when your partner knows you want a baby is not dishonest. It's a thought.

evenlessnarkypuffin · 17/08/2011 15:07

a) If he put an unprotected penis into your vagina, knowing you're not on the pill etc, and ejaculated, he accepted the risk of pregnancy. You haven't lied to him or tricked him into thinking you were taking precautions

b) Are you sure you want to have children with someone with such a poor grasp of biology that they could mistake a vagina for an anus? I woudn't let him take any future children to the park alone in case he came back with the wrong one.

c) It's your body. The choice as to whether or not to take the morning after pill is completely up to you. It's not 100% effective either.

SchrodingersMew · 17/08/2011 15:07

I wouldn't say hoping for an accident is dishonest.

Trying to make an "accident" happen though is a different story but doesn't apply here.

foxinsocks · 17/08/2011 15:08

the only way you will end up with resentment is if you aren't honest with him and he isn't with you

and it sounds like he thinks you aren't keen any more

tell him tonight that you are really sorry but you really want a baby - there is NEVER a right time, seriously there isn't. So rather just make a decision that you will throw caution to the wind and let nature take its course

if he was humming and hahhing about accidents, he's probably just doing what most men do and not coming to a decision about having them (not meaning to be sexist but almost every man I know has been like this with respect to having dcs!). As i said, there is never a right time, very rarely do people make a firm decision like this before having them - there's always a lot of humming and hahhing to be done.

So tell him you're ready and you'd like to get on with it . It could take 2 years anyway. Who knows how long it will take etc. etc.

LolaRennt · 17/08/2011 15:08

OP your partner (sorry if I am being rude) seems a bit childish, it does feel almost like he wants you to have an "accident" so he doesn't have to be a grown up and make the decision himself. You really need to sort it out with him. Most people don't have accidents contraceptives are actually pretty good, a decision needs to be made.

foxinsocks · 17/08/2011 15:12

err lola, he thinks she is happy with this time frame they set out. SHe said she'd accepted it and backed off so as far as he's concerned, she's not out there to get pregnant!

And I think needamap can probably tell which hole it's going in just as well as he can! So it's hardly all his fault and he isn't pushing, he has asked her! And she can just as well say no!

TheMonster · 17/08/2011 15:12

I had the MAP a few months back and regretted it. It messes up your period for a couple of months, and I had severe bleeding after about 5 weeks. Clots and jelly stuff and it was awful and really painful. I felt guilty that what was coming out could have become a baby.

TheMonster · 17/08/2011 15:14

Foxinsocks is right! When I got pregnant with DS (not 4) I panicked (even though he wa splanned) and the best thing someone said was that there is never the right time: you'll never have the right job, the right wage, the right house etc etc all at the same time.

Sandalwood · 17/08/2011 15:14

How will you feel about your specialist work experience stuff?

cunexttuesonline · 17/08/2011 15:15

If I as you I wouldn't take it and I think you should explain what you said here to him, the stuff about how if it happened now, it wouldn't be so bad. Also, the chances are that you are NOT pregnant, even though you are mid cycle, as even if you bonk at ovulation there is only a 25% chance of pregnancy IIRC. Also the MAP is only something like 80% effective and that is if it is taken the next day.

rainbowinthesky · 17/08/2011 15:17

Needamap - if I were you, rightly or wrongly, I wouldnt take it.

MrsSchadenfreude · 17/08/2011 15:19

You were going to have bumsex on a Tuesday Night? FGS, woman, how long have you been here? Didn't you know that Friday night is bumsex night?!

BooyHoo · 17/08/2011 15:19

have only read op so far.
i think it should have been agreed that you wouldn't be taking the MAP beforehand so that you both knew, in the event of a whoops, where you stood. have you told him you will take it but knowing you actually wont?

TheOriginalFAB · 17/08/2011 15:19

I don't see there is anything wrong in hoping for an accident. DH has had the snip but when my period is late there is a bit of me that hopes for a baby.

I have never been so carried away with sex that I have taken a chance so not sure what my opinion is on this situation but the DH knows his wife wants a baby so I would say that as he doens't, he should sort contraception.

If you do nothing you might get away with it. If so, you need to have a frank discussion and make it 100% clear if you won't ever take the MAP and he has to always use condoms.

If you do nothing and get pregnant, will he accept it or try and persuade you into having an abortion?

If you take the MAP it may not work in that you will get pregnant but if you take it and don't get pregnant you will have no way of knowing if yiu were going to be. You don't get pregnant every time you have unprotected sex. There would be a lot of people with babies who don't have them if that was the case.

Whatmeworry · 17/08/2011 15:19

So - she doesn't take MAP, falls pregnant. She is "right" by MN standards - but then what? Resentful DH, inevitable divorce, CSA chase? is that a desirable outcome?.

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 17/08/2011 15:19

I'm currently in the postion of being pregnant after a failure of the pill. Had I ANY inkling that it hadn't worked, I would have taken the MAP no question. My dp doesn't want a baby. I cannot tell you what a horrible position it is to be in. Talk about it by all means, but if he doesn't want a baby he doesn't want a baby. Are you reall prepared to go it alone? The issue here is in your OP. You WANT a baby. He by all accounts does not. And to people hwo say MAP is an abortifacient. That's bollocks.

SchrodingersMew · 17/08/2011 15:21

MrsSchadenfreude Shhhh! Any night is bumsex night.. :o

LolaRennt · 17/08/2011 15:23

Whatmeworry or she may spend the rest of her life wondering what if?

Her dh has just as much as said, an accident would be ok. They really need to sort it out between them.

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LolaRennt · 17/08/2011 15:24

I thought his birthday was bum sex night?

SchrodingersMew · 17/08/2011 15:24

Lola Depends how much you like bumsex I guess. :o

LolaRennt · 17/08/2011 15:28

Or how many margaritas I have had.

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