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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really not understand how parents hurt, or allow others to hurt, their children?

56 replies

CheerfulYank · 17/08/2011 08:14

There was a case in the news recently

( and this is EXTREMELY upsetting, so don't read further if you don't want to )

about a little boy (3) whose mother and baby-sitter allowed two men to rape and torture him in exchange for meth .

I just...I know there's no understanding it, and I was glad to see that against all odds the boy is alive and won't suffer permanent (physical, anyway) damage. But I just can't see how things like this happen.

DS just had a bad dream about five minutes ago. I went to comfort him and said something like "oh don't worry, mama and daddy wouldn't let anything happen to you," and I thought of that little boy. For a minute I thought I'd really gone insane with rage. I just want to do something, and there's nothing to be done. I just don't understand a parent allowing someone else to harm their babies.

Does anyone else ever feel like this? :( I try not to read upsetting things too often (had PND issues with things like this right after DS was born) but sometimes I hear about them anyway and I really just cannot stand it.

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 17/08/2011 08:16

YANBU. The adults concerned live in a different world to you and me. Don't let it get to you.

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 17/08/2011 08:16

Yes, but that little boy has to live in that world too, doesn't he. :(

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 17/08/2011 08:20

Well, the answer to the original story is that the mother was an addict and thus not of sound mind.

From the point of view of "simply" hurting your own child, I can easily see how it happens. There have been times where mine have wound me up to the point where I want to smack then really hard but I do not cross over that line and wouldn't. Another person simply takes that step. I can remember times when I wanted to shake one of mine as a baby because they wouldn't stop crying. Again, I did not cross that line but I can now see how this kind of thing happens.

deemented · 17/08/2011 08:20

I think all you can do is love your own children as best you can and say a prayer for those children that aren't as lucky as your own.

There was a case here a couple of years ago where a woman was prosecuted and jailed for allowing her boyfriend to abuse, beat and ultimately kill her infant son. IMO she was as guilty as he was and she deserved every moment she spent in prison.

No, i cannot understand how someone could stand by and watch their child/ren being hurt - i'd kill for my children and i expect every other mother to do the same for their own. But sadly that's not always the case.

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 17/08/2011 08:24

Yes, Soup, I know what you mean. I understand (wouldn't do it, but I understand ) a smack or a shake when parents snap. But this...I just can't get my head around it.

I know it's an overly simplistic view, but I just want him to come live at my house or something. :( I think it's hitting home because he's around my DS's age and it makes me feel so helpless and sick.

OP posts:
FreudianSlipper · 17/08/2011 08:26

exchange for meth

she had an addiction that is so powerful she allowed this, do you think any man or women who was in their right frame of mind would allow this to happen to their child

best not to read articles like this, there is no need for you to try and understand why such cruelty happens leave that to those who have to

ImperialBlether · 17/08/2011 08:40

Yes there was another case where a mum left her teenage daughter to be raped by a man - she actually took her to the house for it to happen - and then went shopping.

Freudian, there is no point in any of us burying our heads. We're responsible for our community, we vote in our MPs and a large part of that decision is based on what laws he will try to bring in.

And plenty do do things like that without drugs. Think of Vanessa George - she was sober, wasn't she?

lisad123 · 17/08/2011 08:45

becasue some are sick in mind, some are sick via ddiction and some are just sick. I think its something no one can understand and doubt the parents who behave like this, really understand themselves but would guess they get by by telling themselves its normal/ok/child doesnt understandn :(
I can sort of understand the parents who snap and hit a child, but not those who continue to hit iyswim.
Its a very sad world we live in and sadly will be stories like this daiily in most places :(

porcamiseria · 17/08/2011 08:48

yesterday I read about a woman that battered her 3 month old baby, she will go to prison and baby is damaged and in a hospice. It broke my heart

cherrfulyank, some people are BAD, the parental bond is so strong its unfathomable for us to imagine, but some evil fuckers have kids

and the saddest thing is that most likely the kids end up fucked up and in the care system

now what was I saying about sterilising drug addicts...:-(

nah I am against it, wish we could stop evil fuckers from having kids

FreudianSlipper · 17/08/2011 08:54

i am not suggesting that you do not report abuse that you suspect is going on but if reading news articles or books like why did mommy do that (or whatever they are called, personally i do not read them) you find it very upsetting don't there is no need to we are all well aware that awful things go on.

by right frame of mind i didn't mean that they were necessarily intoxicated, it not an excuse i am making for those that abuse there is no excuse but at times their are events that lead up to abuse that for most of us are very hard to understand but happy, stable, secure people to not abuse their children

RitaMorgan · 17/08/2011 09:06

It's not just about addiction though, 99% of drug addicts wouldn't do that to their children.

Some people are bad - they aren't like other people. Either some fault in their brain they were born with, or more likely awful things were done to them as children that has left something broken inside them (or a combination of both). I don't think you can understand it.

ImperialBlether · 17/08/2011 09:12

So, Rita, if we can't understand it, surely it's right to try to prevent the pregnancy?

Why, if someone has had one baby whose life they've destroyed, is it considered Nazi-like to want to prevent them having another child? Not that you said this of course, but it's popular opinion.

DrKoothrappali · 17/08/2011 09:20

Before I had my DDs I found news stories like that upsetting, now that I have DDs I find them utterly unbearable so now I choose not to read them. Whenever I see a headline that sounds bad I turn the page/click on another link.

In some ways though, those awful stories remind me how precious our children are and makes me cuddle them a little closer.

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 17/08/2011 09:22

I agree with IB. But unfortunately that won't happen.

OP, your post has me in tears right now but I can't say I wasn't warned. I pray the boy can move on from this and have a happy ending.

Morloth · 17/08/2011 09:29

It is just incomprehensible to me.

I can only assume that some people are broken, they are just fundementally wrong inside.

No idea what the solution is, or if there even is one. When I hear these stories they just enrage me and make my fingers itch with wanting to inflict a lot of pain.

There is no excuse for hurting someone defenceless like that, none at all, the only real response would be to put the perpetrators and the mother down like rapid dogs but this is generally considered an unpopular.

2old2care · 17/08/2011 09:30

These people should be tested on.That poor child.....

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 17/08/2011 09:32

I think I would feel better if I felt I could do something to keep even one little one safe.

Awhile back DS was really upset by a commercial he saw about the lack of clean water in Africa, so now we save all of our change to send to the water.org project.

It made us both feel better to have a plan of sorts, you know? But this, what can I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
CheerfulYank · 17/08/2011 09:33

And I'm so sorry, dolldagga . I wish I didn't know about it, so I understand how you feel. :( I saw it accidentally.

OP posts:
FreudianSlipper · 17/08/2011 09:36

well everyone can help to make a change

you can volunteer, if you feel that strongly you can train to work in areas where you support people

or you can sit on your arse horrified by what is happening in the world

Morloth · 17/08/2011 09:42

CheerfulYank just by being a loving mother and showing your DS how children are to be treated you are doing something.

When my sons grow up they will know that Mums and Dads are kind and loving to their children and protect them, so their children will have the best chance and so on.

Andrewofgg · 17/08/2011 12:47

I know (professionally) of an incident in which a girl of fifteen texted another girl of nine and asked her to join her and her (the texter's) cousin, a young man of seventeen, at a particular place on the estate where they all lived; the purpose being that seventeen should grab nine and take her into the shed where the bins were and rape her while fifteen leant on the door and played music loud enough to drown any screams which nine might utter.

Nightmares, anyone?

NoobyNoob · 17/08/2011 13:45

Words fail me.

I would go to the ends of the earth to protect my babies from harm. I'd die for them, and I can't understand any mother who doesn't feel like that.

sparkle1977 · 17/08/2011 15:51

I just don't know what to say or think about the awful things which happen to some children. I try not to think too deeply in all honesty as what can I possibly to change anything like that ? Its all too awful for words.

Agree with NoobyNoob.

Insomnia11 · 17/08/2011 16:07

Drugs can change people's personalities to an extent that it becomes all about the drug and nothing else.

Sometimes violence happens due to severe untreated mental illness. Some have been severely mistreated themselves- now a lot of people who have manage to break the chain and make good parents, others perpetuate it with their children or others.

But human beings always have been and still are capable of great cruelty and violence, nothing has changed, it's something that is in everyone. For the vast majority of people other instincts and considerations override these feelings.

PerryCombover · 17/08/2011 16:07

Sometimes it's fear.
Fear of their partner leaving, fear of being alone, fear of not pleasing

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