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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that once grandparents are warned that

52 replies

ChablisLover · 17/08/2011 08:06

DS is tired that they should not come over at bedtime to wind him up.

DM and DF started this habit of coming over at bathtime - if they don't ds kicks up stink. We are trying to wean him off it as when he starts school next month it won't happen mainly cos they will be picking him up three days a week.

Yesterday, warned DM twice that DS was tired, had been up early and the rest.

They phoned and he whinged in the background so to pander to him they came over. When they are here I am overruled on everything and told a little bit of pandering works wonders this time of night.

Now DS is 4 1/2 - he has been hell the past few weeks to parent and I am trying to get him to understand that mummy and daddy are in charge and he is not. Now DM and DF coming over and ignoring or overrulling what I say isn;t the way forward.

Also, as DF winds him up to high heaven - he doesn;t do quiet time - I am left with an overtired ds who takes forever to calm down and go to sleep. There is inevitably tears and tantrums. We all get het up. I don;t think it is fair on him, nor me cos I get the blame for trying to impose order on the situation. I had said in the past to DM about this and she agrees but just says I have said to your father but he doesn't listen - it will all change come September.

Help - AIBU (and any advice on how to deal with much appreciated)

OP posts:
MugglesandLuna · 17/08/2011 08:09

Dont answer the door!

I dont think yabu, my MIL does this and it winds me up something cronic, but in 10 years I havent found another way of getting round it.

Shutupanddrive · 17/08/2011 08:09

YANBU, put your foot down and tell them it's your way or they can't come round at bath time. Have you tried speaking to DF?

myBOYSareBONKERS · 17/08/2011 08:40

Sorry but you are going to have to stand up to them or it will escalate - especially if they are going to be doing childcare for you. They may (sub-consciously) feel they have more of a say in your DS upbringing then you would be comfortable with.

My own parents are fantastic and I couldn't be without them as they help me so much BUT i have had to remind them on occasion that I am the mother. However they don't do childcare whilst I work as I do feel the boundaries would get a bit blurred. I use breakfast and after school clubs.

Maybe you should think ahead about long term childcare.

SenoritaViva · 17/08/2011 08:48

YANBU but YABU to allow this to continue! YOU are the parent, not them and they need to understand that they are over stepping the boundaries.

As a grandparent it is so easy to spoil and do whatever you want that they probably wouldn't dream of doing with their children when you were growing up.

You need to meet up with them and state that they are not listening to you, you are the parent and your rules still apply. Tell them you are not threatening them but unless they work with you, rather than against, then you will have to limit their access. You are preparing him for school and getting him into a routine now, simply BAN them from coming over at night time because they have not LISTENED to you. They are not respecting either you or your ability to parent at all, explain how hurtful this is.

Iggly · 17/08/2011 08:54

Why do they have to come at bath time?

You should let them reap the consequences so let them put him to bed one night while you go out for the night.

Georgimama · 17/08/2011 08:58

Why on earth do they come at bedtime? Do they want to do the bedtime routine each night? Why?

You need to stop being a pushover from both ends. If they phone, say it's not a good time to talk as he is tired and you are in the middle of some thing and end the call. "Bye" and put the phone down. Works a treat. If they turn up on the doorstep open the door, say "I asked you not to come over at bedtime" and close the door again.

Their complete lack of understanding of boundaries makes me fear for how using them for childcare is going to pan out, tbh. They are going to undermine you left right and centre.

pommedechocolat · 17/08/2011 09:01

No no no!

They come round at bedtime every day? Insanity. Tell them in no uncertain terms that it is to stop. Screen phone calls, don't answer the door.

You have to stop this and if they are so bad over this you need to find another solution for school pick ups.

YANBU!

3rdnparty · 17/08/2011 09:05

Blimey - you have to say something to them and stop them coming -and over ruling thats not on at all - my parents or IL not that close to the detail of parenting so if they do say anything (generally cos thoughtless) I just say its not up to X -I am mummy its up to me - they all get the message that way..

Ds was also a nightmare the summer before he started school and if he's tired now he could be exhausted after starting school I had to move ds tea/bedtime about 45mins earlier that first term...he was so overtired ... it did work though so maybe try an earlier bedtime (seems mad but was a tip on mnet as I was desperate ds such a pain and it worked for us Smile)

you could also maybe drop bath every night as I found woke my ds up and had harder bedtimes when he'd had a bath..

think myboys maybe right though and you may want to think about longer term childcare if they keep overruling you as DS will play on it as he gets older if not allready..

skinnymuffin · 17/08/2011 09:06

YANBU

I do agree with previous posters though. You are in charge, you're just going to have to act like it.

Easier said than done perhaps but far far better in the long run!

Find your guns love, and stick to them :)

Miggsie · 17/08/2011 09:07

My gran used to do this to my mum, to her it was a power trip, then she left saying what a bad mother my mum was because she couldn't get her children to sleep.

Just tell them not to come, bedtime is not a appropriate "visit" time and your son uses it as an excuse not to go to bed as he's too young to understand he needs his sleep.

Miggsie · 17/08/2011 09:09

I could be horribly cynical and say that the GP and your son seem to be operating on the same silly childish level and will probably both whine and kick off when you ask them not to come, so be prepared for 2 sets of whining children!

You will need to be emphatic and not budge with all of them.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 17/08/2011 09:09

Sorry who's the child here and who is the adult? Its your house, your child, just sort it out.

TandB · 17/08/2011 09:11

I think you just need to be frank with them. Tell them the bedtime visits must stop as it is wreaking havoc with your routine and confusing your DS. And tell them that if they decide to ignore you and turn up anyway then you will have to refuse to let them in.

Why not set one night when they come and do the whole bedtime routine - it could be a special tradition. Granny Thursdays or something like that!

purits · 17/08/2011 09:13

"DM and DF started this habit of coming over at bathtime"

Confused They need to get a life!

Just say no. In the hour before bedtime, don't answer the phone and don't open the door.

Bandwithering · 17/08/2011 09:16

I'd say, if they are going to come at bath time then they have to bath him and put him into his pjs and clean his teeth etc.... you sit downstairs with a glass of wine.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 17/08/2011 09:17

Actually purits that's what we do anyway unless of course we are expecting someone who has been invited. Teatime, bathtime and bedtime is quiet time and anyone who wants knows us and wants us, knows to ring before 5 or after 7 or there is a good chance they won't get answered.

Meglet · 17/08/2011 09:21

Yanbu.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 17/08/2011 09:48

You have to put your foot down when they call.

choclatelickurs · 17/08/2011 09:51

sounds like you are all pandering to the little sod

pommedechocolat · 17/08/2011 10:00

Helpful as normal choclatelickurs.

Georgimama · 17/08/2011 10:15

If by "little sod" chocolate means the OP's father I agree with her. If she's referring to the OP's 4 year old then not.

skinnymuffin · 17/08/2011 10:46

I think kungfupannda and bandwithering have hit on a good idea here - I'd be tempted to go for a combination of the two.

Once he's in a good established routine (however long that takes), let his GPs come over on a set night (Friday or Saturday maybe) and do the whole shebang.

Meanwhile, you go out for dinner, and a nice cold glass of Chablis, or three :)

exoticfruits · 17/08/2011 10:54

I would certainly give them one night a week and clear off out with DH for a meal somewhere-come back when they are asleep! I bet they stop winding him up-and if they do it isn't your problem!

SiamoFottuti · 17/08/2011 11:21

I don't think you can convince the child you are in charge...because you aren't. Your house, your child, yet you allow them to call the shots and you do nothing but complain here about it.
Try acting like you are in control and other people might believe it too.

Pandemoniaa · 17/08/2011 11:22

I remember that when ds1 started school he was atrociously bad tempered in the afternoon/evenings. It was tiredness, that's all but until he grew into school a bit, there's absolutely no way I would have wanted any visitors between 5 and 7 on a weekday. Let alone every weekday!

I think you need to be firm here. Just say that visiting at this time and frequency is tiring your ds out right now and that you need to establish a bit of calm at the end of the day for all your sakes.