AIBU to think that once grandparents are warned that

[ChablisLover]

DS is tired that they should not come over at bedtime to wind him up.

DM and DF started this habit of coming over at bathtime - if they don't ds kicks up stink. We are trying to wean him off it as when he starts school next month it won't happen mainly cos they will be picking him up three days a week.

Yesterday, warned DM twice that DS was tired, had been up early and the rest.

They phoned and he whinged in the background so to pander to him they came over. When they are here I am overruled on everything and told a little bit of pandering works wonders this time of night.

Now DS is 4 1/2 - he has been hell the past few weeks to parent and I am trying to get him to understand that mummy and daddy are in charge and he is not. Now DM and DF coming over and ignoring or overrulling what I say isn;t the way forward.

Also, as DF winds him up to high heaven - he doesn;t do quiet time - I am left with an overtired ds who takes forever to calm down and go to sleep. There is inevitably tears and tantrums. We all get het up. I don;t think it is fair on him, nor me cos I get the blame for trying to impose order on the situation. I had said in the past to DM about this and she agrees but just says I have said to your father but he doesn't listen - it will all change come September.

Help - AIBU (and any advice on how to deal with much appreciated)

Either ignore the phone or put it on silent.

If they turn up then you just don't answer the door.

If they complain later, smile sweetly and say that you were too busy to answer the phone/door.

Repeat all of the above as needed.

They will get the message eventually.

Apologies for not replying sooner but have been at work all day.

Thanks for the advice. I know I should put my foot down but it is trying to do it gently and kindly.

Tried to avoid the bed time arguments today and went to see grand parents after work. Ended with being told to basically once again to pander to him and his grand parents saying they would be over later and that they would take him to the toy shop tomorrow to stop a tantrum.

Once again, left to me to say no they wouldn't so had another tantrum on way home. Got told then he didn't want me to be his mum.

Even my mum said to pander to him today to which I replied i'm only his mother.

Had to bite my Tongue to prevent full family row. I know I need to say to them but want to do it rationally and calmly.

Have said to ds I only want to make sure he is not too tired to go to school and that he is able to do all his learning and sums.

I really am getting to the end of my tether and if i wasn't working tomorrow I would be trying my best to drink a bottle of chilled wine if two!

Gah! How did it end up like that???

Stop being so bloody nice and just TELL THEM!!

I'm sure if a full blown row ensues it will blow over and everyone will still love everyone else when all's said and done...

They should listen to you, I'm sorry they aren't, if you are blunt and upset them, well, they've brought it on themselves frankly!

If there's a full-blown row they'll be the losers because they won't see their DGS.

Tell them that bedtimes are out from now on.

Being told he doesn't want you to be his Mum is normal, yes its hurtful but don't worry about it too much.

Think you really have to put your foot down. The suggestion of giving them a regular time to come over and put DS to bed while you do something else is a great one. How about you ask them to come over on a Friday night at 6pm and put DS to bed while you go to the pictures/gym/walk/pizza/pub?

To be fair though I think this problem will sort itself out shortly. Once he is in school he will be tired and children of that age need 11 hours sleep a night to function properly. Tell them that to do weill in school he needs to be asleep by 7pm which means a very chilled out hour before.

I totally agree but df sees him jumping about the house and says he's not tired. When in fact the child is over tired and is playing up. He was never that interested in me when I was younger and apparently I know nothing about children.

I am sure ( desperately hoping) that school will tire him out and we can move bed time to earlier and with the winter nights coming in and all that.

Ds has started on about how his grand dad says he will take him to toy shop tomorrow after bath tonight. Just said we'll see.

Just needed to rant. Dh tells me to pick and choose my battles both with parents and ds. At least pil's are very much hands off and let me get in with it.

School will tire him out, it will exhaust him, but that won't solve your problem if your parents keep coming over and ramping him up. You may or may not know anything about children in general but you're the leading expert on your son and you really do need to tell your parents (particularly your father) to fuck off stop undermining you and play by your rules, or else. You've tried to be nice, it doesn't work because they don't want to hear it.

i would be laying down the law with them all. I think reasonable bed times help kids manage the next day. don't open the door (tell them before hand)and nicely explain why. explain that it's not up for discussion and reclaim bedtime!

I haven't got the head right now to read all the replies, but I've a very difficult situation with my own Mum & her controlling ways - other end of the country has its benefits though, so I manage it okay = when she's speaking to me that is

If its not already been said, I just wanted to add a very interesting conversation I had with my own DD when much younger as regards the family "pecking order" & keeping that in mind & putting DD straight has made a whole heap of difference to how much control they have.

DD piped up that Nana could tell her (DD) what she could & couldn't do, & that it was more important than anything I said, because Nana was in charge of me, because she was my Mum & therefore that made Nana the Boss not me

it suddenly all made a lot of sense - through a DCs eyes it was a simple your my Mum,& you are the boss of me, so YOUR Mum must be the boss of you AND Me - a little chat about how it didn't work that way & that once you where grown up & had a family of your own, then you were in charge of that family NOT your Mum & Dad...IYSWIM.. I've never had a problem since :)

Rockinhippy - that sounds like a plan. But apparently I am now his friend again and I am next in the love line after the wee girl across the road.

Need to have it out with them and get it sorted. It is having an ill effect on my family- me dh and ds- as we are all stressed. Me mostly.

DH is right about picking battles, but this is a biggie. Your parenting is getting trampled all over and your son is tired and confused.

I'd be tempted to say no to all weekday visits from your parents for the time being- perhaps agree that you will spend several hours together at the weekend instead, or your parents can babysit / have DS to stay on Friday or Saturday night. You need to break the cycle and establish a totally new bedtime routine that is centred around your DS 's needs, not what your parents want.

You need to be decisive on this- your DS is playing you, because he sees that you let your parents walk all over you and observes that , actually, he can do the same. It might result in a row- at least if your parents take the hump for a few days, they'll stay and you can put your child to bed.

stay away

yes you do need to sort it but one big I noticed in your post is that your ds was there during discussions.
WHY you ate the boss he has to toe the line
It sounds as if while he is there your arguments are just pushed aside and then being addressed to ds by dgs and cutting you out .
Do it another room and tell dggs not to discuss anythkinglike that agian with him as they will disaoint their grandchild by being overridding by you and making his life unhappy.
Don't worry about being told i dont love you anymore that's parr or the course. and means you're doing a great job MOTHERING {grin}

typos soooo tired sorry

Totally agree with Inertia and mamas, it is a big battle, you are being totally undermined and in front of your DS.

Could you explain to them that to do well at school he needs a minimum of 11 hours sleep and you want to get him into the habit now?

Like others have said though, you really need to stand your ground, its your child and your rules. You've tried being nice and it is just making you and DS unhappy.

Just out of interest what time will you be picking him up from the GPs when they pick him up from school?

They (your parents and DS) are walking all over you because you let them.

YOU are the parent, decide how things are going to be, tell everyone how things are going to be and ignore the tantrums that will ensue on all sides.

Otherwise just get used to doing as you are told and rolling over.

If they can't accept your rules on this then sort out a childminder. Stop being such a sap.

The problem is you HAVE tried to be nice and ask them to respect the boundaries. They haven't listened to a word you have said. Give them a warning, kindly, but tell them 'You are not respecting me and making my parenting harder than it needs to be. I don't want this to turn into something nasty and horrible and of course I want you and DS to continue to have a wonderful and close relationship but in the end what I say is final as he is my son. If you continue to undermine me and don't start respecting this then we will end up fighting which is the last thing that I want but you have been warned'.

What rockinhippy says is pretty important but I think the people that really need that chat is your parents.

Do you parents have a history of not taking you seriously? Are you a very young parent (I'm not saying that I don't think young parents can cope but that might be your parents perspective!)

If they don't listen to the above conversation then you could sit down and draft them a letter which could avoid a full on argument but set out all your feelings clearly along with how this affects DS and the consequences (which of course you don't want to have to follow) of them continuing to behave in this appalling way. Honestly, I'd have hit one of them around the head with a saucepan by now.

Sorry for not replying. The past two days have been grand. Explained to them and ds it cannot go on. And then spent the rest of the time tiring ds out so he is shattered and not really noticing dgps are not about. Or am trying to include them in daytime activities so we can go home for tea and they won't come over at bed time as they have seen him during the day!

Sounds like you've finally stood up for yourself and the best interests of your DS.

Glad it's working out for you.

Resurrecting my thread.

So decided after a week on no parents at bath time and a well behaved ds to invite them over this evening.

We had had a lovely day and he was so good until he kicked off at bath time. Ds was screaming the house down.

Df told me I was f-Ing doing it all wrong etc etc. I had to tell them to leave. Ds still screaming the house down cos he wasn't getting what he wanted.

After dear parents left I had more screaming until he calmed down and then he was sorry he said. And went to sleep

This is the condensed version btw. the full length is not nice at all.

Basically now df is in a huff as I didn't do things his way and tried to impose some discipline on the situation.

Have told dm that I will put ds in the after school club as I won't be requiring their child care services as I need someone I rely on rather than someone who huffs when things aren't done his way.

I have spent the night in tears as a result and really need some support. Dh is away.

Plus side is that I think ds now realises that his behaviour has consequences in more ways than one. He asked if he was getting a good behaviour star on reward chart and i said I didn't think so. He said he would try again tomorrow.

Well done for getting things going your way for a week or two!

Sorry it's all gone t*ts up tonight. Perhaps tonight is simply confirmation that you were right in the first place? It's good that your DS has realised his behaviour isn't right.

No advice really, other than - go back to doing what was working! BTW I think having a childminder is much better than using the GP's.

Thanks

I think it was confirmation too that they shouldn't come over so late.

I have a child minder but through combination of errors could only take him for one day of the three days I work.

So after school club it is.

I hope tomorrow will be better. Just feel for dm - she kind of agrees with me ( at times) and she is stuck with my huffy dad.

I also thinks it goes back to being let down by df in the past that I don't want that to happen to ds.

Sorry to hear you've been struggling,

I just wanted to add that your DS will be absolutely exhausted when he starts school, so you may find that you need to shift bedtime forward by an hour or so. Don't tell the GPs about the new time .

Good luck and I hope the after school club works out OK.

By undermining your parenting, your father is saying he thinks he and your mother did a shit job themselves, with you. Throw that in his face. Ask how he can "admit" that and still want another go at "parenting".

Pandering and indulging a child for having tantrums is madness. Not recognising that a hyper child is overtired is incompetence.

In this situation, you are actually being a better parent than they are, by any measure except one:

• You understand what DS needs at bedtime, and could deliver it, if it were not for Them.
• You haven't undermined them and shown contempt for their word in front of him, as they do to you.
• You have your DS's interests at heart, and are willing to behave like a grown-up parent to him, willing to be hated short-term for the sake of his own interests (rather than having to buy his love by taking him to the toyshop - how underhand and, actually, deeply insecure, is that?).

BUT
You are letting your parents undermine you. They actually need a bit of parenting themselves: a firm "no" and their tantrums ignored until they can behave properly.

I don't think my mum did a bad job. I know my dad did though. He was always at work and never really about. When I graduated from uni he didn't come as he had to work. Actually joked with mum (with a jab) that I am surprised he turned up to my wedding!

Have decided that if they want us they know where to find us. And am looking at after school independent carers for son.

Oh to have parents who took a back seat.

Ds is sick today anyway so can't see them coming over -dad doesn't do sick.

You are right I let the tantrums run. He can scream the house down but I will not give in to him. Think he realised that last night.

Mother knows best and all that. He is my
Son and I do the vast majority of child care and rearing so my opinion is the only one that counts.

Think I have grown balls over night!