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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am posting here for honest responses to do not hold back!

80 replies

kidsandexesequalsnightmare · 16/08/2011 18:38

Ex and I are separated, we have dc, one of whom as SN, Autism.

Ex and his family are very, very heavy drinkers. They get legless at every family occasion they have. Ex and ex FIL especially get into terrible states. MIL flaps around them like a wet hen when they get into this state and completely obsesses over them, ie getting them to bed, making sure they dont get up again, running off to find them if one goes walkabout and so on and on.

I have witnessed on two occasions her disregarding her own personal safety to chase around after ex when he was drunk, even drink driving herself on one occasion.

Ex wants to take the dc to a big family occasion this weekend. There will be much drinking and ex just cannot handle his drink at all. He will have a drink and get drunk there is no question of it.

AIBU to not want my dc to go. I do not trust ex to care for them properly and have full awareness of their needs after a certain stage of drink. He also talks about taking the dc away to spend time with his parents and again I do not want this to happen. My ex FIL winds my dd up mercilessly, they have no awareness of DS's SN, well MIL does FIL does not and does not bother to find out.

However on the flip side they do adore the dc but just have real problems putting children before drinking adults. My ex SIL will be there this weekend and she is sensible and trustworthy but I am not sure she would go against her family and ring me if things were getting out of hand.

So AIBU? What would you do if you were me?

OP posts:
Original poster
kidsandexesequalsnightmare · 16/08/2011 18:56

My eldest is the one with Autism and sadly he does not have that kind of awareness. The only way I will allow it even for the two hours is if my ex SIL is there. She really is lovely, though obviously blood is thicker than water.

OP posts:
choclatelickurs · 16/08/2011 18:57

how old are the kids

Original poster
kidsandexesequalsnightmare · 16/08/2011 18:57

Oldest is 9 (SN), youngest is 5.

OP posts:
BBQFrenzy · 16/08/2011 18:58

YANBU I would not let them go alone. Agree with MadamDeathstare - is there anyway you can go (you sound lovely btw to go to the effort to keep your DCs included in ex's family when he quite clearly isn't up to much himself)? If not I think a no - there will be other occasions.

LineRunner · 16/08/2011 18:59

OP, it wouldn't be petty, it would be eminently sensible. It doesn't make any sense to me that you would drive this man in your car.

Original poster
kidsandexesequalsnightmare · 16/08/2011 19:04

No there is no chance on earth I would let them go alone but I wanted to check 100% whether or not IWBU. I think this weekend can be fairly safely negotiated. However it is the future and him wanting to take them to his parents that is just going to keep rearing its ugly head. How would you deal with that? Quite frankly I feel like sitting them down (ex in laws) and telling them exactly what I think of them but it would get very ugly I think. FIL is a man who is used to shouting at women and telling them what to do. I have told ex he would have to take me to court before I allow them to be around ex inlaws without me. It did not go down well. Atm we have no legal arrangement in place, we came up with it all ourselves, although I have now instigated divorce so this will all be talked over I suppose.

OP posts:
BreakOutTheKaraoke · 16/08/2011 19:05

TBH, I don't think I would drive them, I just would keep them home. Yes, they might enjoy it but surely there are lots of occasions where they could see family? Your ex knows that he has a problem with alcohol, surely he wants to put the kids first too? I don't think it's fair to put this on your SIL- however nice she is, your kids aren't hers to deal with. Keep them at home with you, and have a movie night in instead :)

BootyMum · 16/08/2011 19:05

If your ex was abusive and aggressive with you today why on earth do you feel in any way obliged to give him a lift? If you do you are enabling and excusing [like MIL] his bad behaviour. You owe a duty of care to your children, not ex partner.

Also, the fact that he is verbally abusive and aggressive rings warning bells for me. If he is like this sober what is he like when drunk? Is he ever aggressive with your children? Can you safely leave a 9 year old with SN and a 5 year old with him when you're not there to supervise, especially when you know he and the family will be drunk as skunks?

Original poster
kidsandexesequalsnightmare · 16/08/2011 19:08

He is never aggressive to his children. When he is sober, you couldn't ask for a better father in the way he deals with them. It is only wives and adult women who don't fancy him that he hates.

I do not excuse or enable him and he hates me for it. We were fine when I accepted his drinking and ran the rest of our lives.

OP posts:
BootyMum · 16/08/2011 19:14

When he is sober, you couldn't ask for a better father in the way he deals with them

But you are pretty certain he won't be sober... at least for some of the time he has charge of your children.

What do you imagine/fear might happen? And how might your children feel being surrounded by drunk, possibly out of control Daddy and extended family?

LineRunner · 16/08/2011 19:16

Well, I really can't believe that you would even entertain the idea of driving him around. It's incredible.

Original poster
kidsandexesequalsnightmare · 16/08/2011 19:19

I worry that everyone will be drunk and not aware of my childrens safety and whereabouts. They don't care if they argue in front of children and I just don't want my kids seeing lots of really drunk adults and absorbing that this kind of behaviour is normal. My ds has much less awareness than the average 9 year old because of his ASD and he cannot take care of himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
kidsandexesequalsnightmare · 16/08/2011 19:20

I don't want to but we are all going to the same place. I just think it would create an unnecessary argument. Am I being a mug?

OP posts:
BootyMum · 16/08/2011 19:28

Personally I would not want to leave my 9 and 5 year old in the care of a bunch of rowdy drunks who have form for dangerous behaviour like drink driving.

Not fair on the children imo.

BootyMum · 16/08/2011 19:30

I also sure as hell would not drive someone who was rude and aggressive towards me anywhere.

Original poster
kidsandexesequalsnightmare · 16/08/2011 19:33

I would be picking them after two hours. I don't want to do it at ALL but I know the kids would have a great time with their cousins and aunties. When I came on here I was pretty sure I wasn't going to do it but suggestions of picking them up made me rethink it.

OP posts:
LemonDifficult · 16/08/2011 19:35

OP, Can you go up early, take DCs to see your sis and then go on from there, drop DCs at party, and go back to sis/parents for the duration of the party? If you went earlier you'd have a good excuse not to take your ex in the car. Ditto pick the DCs up from the party a bit early when it's in full swing and ex won't want to leave?

Avoid travelling with the ex if you can!

LineRunner · 16/08/2011 19:35

I believe those suggestions preceded your somewhat astonishing and indeed incredible intention to drive the Ex around.

ChippingIn · 16/08/2011 19:35

I wouldn't do it. Not the way he has been treating you. Sure the kids might enjoy it, but it's not the only opportunity they'll ever get to see his family is it? I am sure they would enjoy a day at the park, with a picnic, with you instead. I can't for the life of me see why you would even entertain this idea with the way he's been behaving.

DinahRod · 16/08/2011 19:41

I think it would be simplest all round if you found you had other plans that weekend.

Balsam · 16/08/2011 19:42

OP, what's the set up for the party? Is it at someone's house? Or a hired venue? Although you say his family always drink too much, sounds like there are at least two who don't (MIL and SIL) and there will be other adults there too, and if they and all the kids are in the same room, there's probably not too much risk.

Also, how would he react if you asked him to stay sober (or limit to two drinks) whilst he is in charge of the DCs? Would he agree? You could try and if he does drink anyway, then at least you have something to hold against him when it comes to arguing about him taking the children to his in-laws without you.

Original poster
kidsandexesequalsnightmare · 16/08/2011 19:43

Honestly I don't want to! I really don't. It was not my intention to drive him around I just don't honestly see how I can get out of it without a massive row. He is so difficult to deal with Sad.

OP posts:
DinahRod · 16/08/2011 19:44

Support access to other occasions, one's that are not going to be alcohol fuelled or cause you massive inconvenience or stress thinking about ways around it.

If something like this starts causing you a logistical headache and worry (and you can bet it's only you worrying, exH couldn't give a fuck) then just opt out and do something with your two that you'd much rather be doing.

Original poster
kidsandexesequalsnightmare · 16/08/2011 19:45

He would agree and just not do it. Thats him. He doesnt see that he has a drink problem so doesnt try to curtail it.

"You could try and if he does drink anyway, then at least you have something to hold against him when it comes to arguing about him taking the children to his in-laws without you."

This is something I thought. If I go to pick them up and he is clearly drunk then I will know have something to go by in the future.

The party is at someones house as far as I know. Yes there will be some who are ok and who won't be too drunk. This occasion is relatively safe as long as I go and pick them up.

I am also thinking that this does not happen that often so its not such a great hardship to me.

OP posts:
Dozer · 16/08/2011 19:46

You sound generous to even think about putting yourself out like that OP.

With respect to the future, maybe get some legal advice and start thinking about handling, as the same issue may well continue to arise.

My friend talked to a couple of lawyers about her ex DP (drinking and pot problems) as she didn't trust him not to get pissed or stoned so didn't want him to have their ds (5) overnight. She was advised that a court would be unlikely to prevent her ex having ds overnight, even given the boozing and drugs (she had lots of evidence of it too). They weren't married, and are on fairly amicable terms, so for now rather than discussing the issue directly she's fobbing he ex off with excuses and other arrangements (eg more frequent, short visits after school and in day at weekends etc), hoping that she can do this until her ds is older and can text if there's a problem etc.

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