I am posting here for honest responses to do not hold back!

[kidsandexesequalsnightmare]

Ex and I are separated, we have dc, one of whom as SN, Autism.

Ex and his family are very, very heavy drinkers. They get legless at every family occasion they have. Ex and ex FIL especially get into terrible states. MIL flaps around them like a wet hen when they get into this state and completely obsesses over them, ie getting them to bed, making sure they dont get up again, running off to find them if one goes walkabout and so on and on.

I have witnessed on two occasions her disregarding her own personal safety to chase around after ex when he was drunk, even drink driving herself on one occasion.

Ex wants to take the dc to a big family occasion this weekend. There will be much drinking and ex just cannot handle his drink at all. He will have a drink and get drunk there is no question of it.

AIBU to not want my dc to go. I do not trust ex to care for them properly and have full awareness of their needs after a certain stage of drink. He also talks about taking the dc away to spend time with his parents and again I do not want this to happen. My ex FIL winds my dd up mercilessly, they have no awareness of DS's SN, well MIL does FIL does not and does not bother to find out.

However on the flip side they do adore the dc but just have real problems putting children before drinking adults. My ex SIL will be there this weekend and she is sensible and trustworthy but I am not sure she would go against her family and ring me if things were getting out of hand.

So AIBU? What would you do if you were me?

[girlywhirly]

He must be aware that you could get a court order preventing him having unsupervised contact due to his drinking? Do whatever you need to protect your children.

[Inertia]

kidsand, he really does come across as a nasty piece of work, good on you for standing up to his bullying.

It sounds as though you have been exceptionally reasonable, having avoided lawyers etc so far. Are you in a position to seek legal advice, so that you are fully prepared if ex does become more unreasonable ?

[kidsandexesequalsnightmare]

"He will be shocked into treating you with a bit more respect". That would never happen I am afraid. He will be even angrier with me now and nastier, thats how it works with him. I expect there will be repurcussions about this.

[festi]

well done OP power to you and your children. He will be shocked into treating you with a bit more respect and if not then find some more of where that strenghth came from.

Hoenstly he is wrong your children arnt being punsished or having it taken out on them. They should not be around people like that. I feel very strongly that children should not be aroiund people who are drunk and behaving like that.

[Thumbwitch]

Well done for telling him. Now just stick to your guns and don't let him bully you. :)

[kidsandexesequalsnightmare]

Oh and thank you all for taking the time to reply. It has been very helpful.

Ilovejudgejudy. No do not think anyone has been harsh. I want honestly to I can try to finally get a handle on this awful situation instead of just being swept along by the majority rules of his family attitude.

I know I need to grow a spine I really do, but its bloody hard.

[InstantAtom]

YANBU

[kidsandexesequalsnightmare]

Well I have told him that I am not driving them up there as he was so rude and aggressive to me yesterday. He said I am being a "sulky twat" and taking out my pettyness on the kids, as they are the ones who will suffer. I said I am not doing favours for people who are agressive and hateful towards me and he said "how the fuck is it a favour?". Driving for three hours to enable my kids to go to a party I am not even INVITED to, seems like a favour to me . I told him that I will not accept being treated or spoken to like that and he told me to "Fuck Off". All via the medium of MSN.

So now we will see. I don't think this is the end of it tbh.

He was always a heavy drinker but it wasn't that noticeable tbh. I drank quite a bit back then too, when we first met we were out a lot. I remember I really started to notice about 18 months in when I was expecting our first child and over a two week holiday (obviously i had given up drinking then) he was pissed out of his face every day. We had a big row about it and from there on in it just got worse and worse. His parents were not surprised, only that he had not been like that from the beginning. The first night he disappeared and didn't come home and I rang them frantic they said "well you can't make him come home if he doesn't want to". They were totally casual about it and it sort of came out after that, that he had always been a right PITA about drinking when he lived with them, but that is only my take on it, they just all accepted that this was normal for men.

[toniguy]

I can really see your dilemma: it sounds as though you are trying to tread a careful line of enabling a certain degree of contact so that your ex doesn't get riled by feeling you're being obstructive, which then carries the risk of him making it more of a legal battle.

I definitely would not want my children going just with him; neither would I want to drive him there, so I think the solutions which involve driving the children but leaving him to make his way are best.

I'm not sure of the longer term answer. This will get you through specific events, but the problem still remains. Incidentally, was there a trigger which started the drinking? Has he ever shown awareness of the problem? Is there hope of him accepting treatment? His family sound terrible and I imagine their problems are long standing, but I assume he wasn't getting hideously drunk when you were having children with him? I am not suggesting it is your responsibility to try to help him now he's your ex, just trying to get a handle on whether this is likely to change and how long this pattern has been

[Megatron]

there's no way I would let my children go to this even't. I don't think spending time with a bunch of drunk people would de fun for them at all and the fact that you are genuinely worried for their safety is enough to keep them away. I'm afraid you're going to have to man up and well your ex why and that you don't trust him
not to drink too much. there will be a horrible row but sometimes rows are necessary and this is one such situation. you owe him nothing and he sounds vile. put your kids first and let him see you will not be a pushover as far as they are concerned.

[CheerfulYank]

I would have a cocktail or two with my DC around but would never be drunk in front of them. Not on in my opinion!

I think it is reasonable to do the two hour thing but do NOT give him a ride too. He is NOT your problem, he is your EX and you do not need to be pandering to him at ALL.

[Thumbwitch]

OK, you said don't hold back.

Take the children to the party, pick them up again after two hours, this is reasonable. If you are still in contact with your exSIL ask her to keep an eye on them while at the party.

Your ex is not your problem - he is a pathetic, entitled, boorish, bullying drunk who is your ex for a reason. You have no responsibility for him and you MUST NOT GIVE HIM A LIFT.

Why would you even consider doing that to yourself? actually, never mind that, why would you consider doing that to your DC?? You've said that his family don't hold back on arguments etc. in front of the DC, he treats you with hatred, disdain etc. and you really think he'll be able to hold it all in for 1.5h in the car?? NO chance. Your DC do NOT need to hear him be fucking awful to you for 1.5h, or any of it, tbh.

DO NOT GIVE HIM A LIFT. He already has no respect for you so how is you not giving him a lift going to make that worse? You don't live together, any row he tries to instigate should result in your saying "not my problem, go away".

Repeat after me - "You, exH, are not my problem nor my responsibility - go away".

Please, grow the spine you need to be able to tell this idiot to go fuck himself.

[ZonkedOut]

Don't drive him whatever else you do, you will be exposing the children to his abuse of you, too. It's not petty. And if he tries to make an argument out of it, explain that it's a result of his behaviour.

Also, when not letting the kids stay with him because of the drink issues, maybe tell him why rather than fob him off. Maybe over time he will get the message that his drinking is causing problems - I.e. that he can't see his kids enough.

[Rhinestone]

OP, my advice is DON'T let them go. At all.

You are going to have to have this confrontation at some point so it may as well be now. Tell your ex no and tell him why. If he threatens court then you say, "Good. Bring it on. I positively look forward to telling the court about your alcoholism and the alcoholism of your family and explaining why I do not consider it a safe or appropriate environment for the DC. I will also be telling the court that I suspect you are drunk when you look after them as evidenced by your verbal abuse of me on several occasions which I will be detailing."

You may wish to add, "So go screw yourself you son of a bitch."

And don't feel bad about your DC missing out. Have you truly sat them down and asked if they want to go? Cousins are not actually that vital in the grand scheme of things and I suspect your DC may not be that bothered. It certainly sounds like they don't have a particularly close relationship with their grandparents.

[Inertia]

What I would do - not allow the children to go. I'd make plans for them to meet their cousins for lunch at a park halfway on a different weekend.

What you are proposing - you drive your abusive ex there , along with your children, in the hope that the one vaguely sober and sensible adult will be in a position to look after your children at a party full of pissed incapable wind -up merchants with no clue about how to deal with your children's needs. You then get to drive your tired children home, along with your now hopelessly drunk abusive ex.

Possible middle ground - you drive up earlier in the day to see your sister, thereby making yourself unavailable for giving lifts to ex. You take the children along at the very outset of the party, explaining to them that they'll be leaving at x time. You explain to Ex beforehand that he is responsible for them and they are in his care and he must stay sober. If he is unwilling to do this, don't even take the children to the party. If he agrees, you should probably ask your SIL to keep an eye. You then go and get the children after, say, an hour, and go home, leaving ex there.

You say your ex hates you because you didn't enable him- your plans sound pretty accommodating of his drink problem and abusive behaviour TBH.

[FabbyChic]

I despise parents drunk in charge of children, and I really do not agree with allowing children to be at a place whereby the majority of adults are pissed out of their heads, it is no place for children.

Why subject your kids to that? Do you really think it is appropriate for a 9 year old and a 5 year old to be around drunken idiots? I don't.

[ItsNotUnusual]

I really feel for you OP. I was in a similar position with the ex after we split up 10 years ago. The only thing that solved it was a zero tolerance approach to any aggression or bad behaviour. It made fir a tough few months, for my daughters too, but once I grew a spine of steel and was completely clear in my mind that I was RIGHT it all got a lot easier in the long run. Good luck.

[samantha001]

sorry meant to say, its a shame they did not put the love of their boy before the love of drink.

[samantha001]

Where I live a little boy of about 3 was found drowned in the pond at his grandmother's house who was so drunk (in the afternoon) she had passed out on the settee whilst the boy was in her care. The parents were at the pub, also getting drunk. This is an exteme case & the courts reported how devasted the whole family were, its a shame they did not put their love of drink before the child on that day. Anything can happen to children at a party when everyone is sober let alone drunk. I would refuse any contact where drink involved, if they can't leave it alone whilst dc in their care they are being very selfish & you should not worry about their feelings, only about your dc's safety.

[IloveJudgeJudy]

I very rarely post in relationships, but I do have to add my bit here. Please don't drive him there. I cannot conceive of sitting for three hours in a car with someone who treats me with disdain and is rude. Also, what if he can't control his disdain for you in front of the DC in the car. Do you really want them to see and hear this kind of thing? It can't be good for them at all.

I think you're fantastic that you're thinking of them and driving them to this party, but I would really give it a miss. It sounds like quite a drunken occasion and if you're not there, you can't protect them unless you can completely trust SIL? As you say, this kind of occasion is going to raise its head many times in the future. I think you have to set the boundaries now, especially with regard to not giving him a lift otherwise he's going to expect it every time.

I don't envy you your position at all. I do wish you luck with whatever you decide and hope that you don't take what I have put harshly at all. That was not my intention.

[fit2drop]

TPL , take control now. You owe ex nothing. You owe your children the unconditional safety that a parent should provide. No way should they be going any where near this shower of drinkathons.

I do not see that you should even have to query this.
Your childrens safety is paramount, your duty is to them not the father (ex)

To allow him access at this time knowing he will be drinking is enabling him to continue being a drunk parent. Its not your responsibility that he drinks but the message you send is clear

[blackeyedsusan]

not petty at all to not drive him. his behaviour of being agressive ahas a consequence, you will not drive him. tough. if he complains repeat. I am sorry but I will not put up with you being verbally agressive to me

[DogsBestFriend]

No way on earth would I let anyone have charge of my children if I thought that the adult was going to get pissed. Over their dead body, I don't care who they are!

I really can't conceive why anyone in their right mind would leave their children in the care of an alcoholic either.

[TheProvincialLady]

If you drive this moron to the party it will save a row now maybe, but you will continue to be at his mercy. Have the row now and get it over and done with - tell him you will NEVER be driving him again or doing anything of the kind. What is the worst thing he could do? If he is verbally abusive put the phone down and if he threatens you then call the police. The more you tolerate this, the more he will continue to do it.

Don't let your children anywhere near this party. You sound like the only adult looking out for them in this sorry bunch.