to be concerned at how little I seem to talk to my toddler?

[innishvickallaune]

Ds (21 months) is home this week (chicken pox). He hasn't been ill at all with it, barely has even scratched.. but we have been at home now for seven working days, nine days in the house and I'm surprised at how undemanding he is of my attention.

My SIL works in a Children's Centre and she is always rabbiting on about how kids need to be talked to and you need to be down at their level and commenting on what they do etc.. but this just doesn't come naturally to me.

I am feeling really guilty I don't play more with him. Every day, we have come down here and had breakfast together, then he just plays away happily in the corner with his cars and buses.. he calls me if he is stuck "duk! duk! and even says "duk!" and signs "please" to get me to help him. He comes over and asks for drinks, he shows me things and about once or twice an hour he plops books on my lap and we read a few. Once or twice a day we have a bout of singing e.g. sleeping bunnies and incy wincy etc.. or he'll point out an "incy wincy" (he thinks anything that looks like a stray hair or bit of fluff is a spider) and we'll play.. or he'll spot some things that are the same and start counting and I will count along..

But when he is playing with cars I just... don't... have anything to say. When he was little and I was on mat leave I used to sit on the floor and play with him all the time, but now I feel downright neglectful.. he just gets on with his thing and I get on with mine and I stay away unless he calls for me. He doesn't particularly like you to direct his play so things like jigsaws and blocks he wants to do alone, he'll have a few mins of ball play here and there and when I am normally about (usually work a four day week, dh too so he has one day with me and one with dh) we always do something like baking or painting and obviously I chat through this..

But my SIL says that the major distinction in language development is the amount of words a child hears and that children in higher income families hear 1,000,000 more woreds than children in lower income families by the time they enter school. I doubt that's true in this house.. it's pretty quiet here most of the time.. She has been hinting he should be combining words and understanding longer instructions and I don't think he can, he can say about 60 or 70 words though?

Am I just the crappest mother ever? And if so, what do I do about it?

and please, stop discussing your development with your SIL, she s making you insecure, be disciplined!

OP, is there a staff member leading Stay and Play or do they just leave you all to it? Ask if there is an SLT who visits your local CC - you should be able to book an appointment to have a chat with him/her. They can give you more specific advice on what to do with DS, and will sit down with him and model it for you! Always makes more sense when you see it done, rather than just reading about it!
Don't worry too much about him talking back, his understanding of language is developing first. Overextending names (like saying 'toast' for all foods) is normal, but always make sure you say the 'right' name of the food/drink so he can hear it. Don't ask him to repeat words after you, just say them
For example:
DS (pointing at banana): 'toos'
OP: 'oh banana! OK let's have banana etc etc'

Hope that makes sense! Feel free to PM me if it's useful

I think you're doing the right thing. Interacting with your child is about more than just talking their ear off - which BTW - isn't really interacting at all, since after a while they will just filter you out and completely ignore you. Fine and good when they are babies but less appropriate as they grow up.

What you are doing is recognising your child's signals that he wants more interaction from you, when he asks you to help, or brings you a book you stop what you are doing and do those things with him. If he's hanging around listlessly you suggest something/have a chat. That's great - and exactly what you should be doing!

I am not a very chatty parent, unless DD starts the conversation/we are reading/singing together etc. Her speech has developed fine, and she more than makes up for me being quiet! I also found she didn't really want that much interaction until about 2 1/4 and then suddenly became very demanding, around the same time she discovered her own imagination/make believe games.

I really think you're treating your son badly.

Get a grip, Imperial

Mainly left to it, JosieRosie. I used to go on my own with ds and not really chat to the other mums but would go around after ds and chat to him, but I have met another mum there so I tend to chat to her now. Her ds is the same age as mine so we spend most of the time concentrating on trying to get them to stop whacking eachother with bricks and snatching toys play nicely together, amongst our own chat. The workers put out nice things like different activities etc that change each week and there is singing and a "magic bag" with toys and props in it at the end. I don't know if there is an SLT in our CC, I will have to ask. That Baby Talk book sounds good. Half an hour a day is nothing but the thought of doing it all day exhausts me.

I feel bad that it was so much easier when he was younger, can't help but think that when we were together all the time we were more in tune, but now that I see him less it is harder to know where to start sometimes.

The OP was the one who said she felt she was neglecting her son. I read what she said and felt she should be giving him a lot more attention and talking to him more.

OP, you are not the only parent that finds this hard, be assured of that The chit-chatting that you are doing as you go about your daily tasks is just as beneficial as more structured language modelling during play time. I would recommend chatting with an SLT though - I would imagine they will reassure you that you are doing a lot of good stuff (sounds like you are) but give you advice about extra things you can do too. Good luck!

So say that rather than say she's treating him badly, ffs.

what backwardpossum said.

OP - I wouldn't be surprised if you do half an hour chatting a day already, just in smaller pieces. Some people have completely unrealistic expectation of how/when children should develop (see just turned 2yos should be able to walk 2 miles a day and other examples) and I think your DS sounds like he is developing really well - he certainly sounds very confident and happy both to play by himself, and that he can have your attention as and when HE needs it.

I wonder if SIL's advice is making you feel more self-conscious about it?

I also HATE playing cars. I don't know what to do, but I think I make up for this by playing endless other things, painting, drawing, baking, etc.

While I do this, and when I'm doing the washing/ cooking the dinner/ cleaning/ shopping etc I also constantly talk mindless drivel to my children!

When your SIL says 'take turns' I think she means this;

Mummy 'Oooh, shall we have carrots and peas with dinner'
Child 'ugg derr dek'
Mummy 'what a good idea, lets have both, ooh, peas and carrots. That will be nice'
Child 'unk'
Mummy 'I know, daddy WILL be home soon, that's right'.

Don't worry too much about the responses, I think it's just about hearing speech. It might feel a bit odd, but just jabbering away about every day stuff; 'Is the bath nice and warm? Right, lets hop out and get dry' is what kids need to hear I suppose.

Having said that, now they are 4, 10 and 13 I don't suppose it's making an ounce of difference now, so I wouldn't lose sleep over it!

Songs, rhymes and stories are also v.important for language development, so I think as long as you are doing that it will all be fine.

Like most other elements of parenting, I think speech development is one of those things we really worry about, but it is usually fine...there is a broad spectrum of 'normal' speech development and unless you never speak to, or near your child he WILL learn to speak!

I think you sound like you are doing fine. I find 'playing' pretty hard too. Do you ever get his stuffed toys to 'talk' - children seem to love it, and it can be a good way breaking down some of our parental inhibitions.

They are much easier to talk to when they are slightly older. Give it a few months! Your SIL sounds like a bit of a pain with her 'advice'.

I talk a lot to DD1 and as a result she is very well versed in the English language and very loud talkative. I don't play with her much because she doesn't like me. I'm good for a lot of things but playing?

We read, sing, go for walks, spot things, count things, watch films and talk about what's going on, cook together etc but when she plays she plays alone.

However DD2 loves playing with DD1. Mainly her feet while uttering "Dadadalalababadadada" for an hour.

You're doing a bloody good job.

the speech therapist told me that you have to wait until the child interacts with you, either by talking/looking or gesturing, then you talk to them. if you talk at them all the time it is just noise. he comes to you to talk/ talks to you(stuck) and you respond. reading books and rhymes and singing are all good too. was also told that about 10 minutes at a time is enough. you seem to be doing ok to me.

If your SIL wasn't putting her oar in, would you have any worries or concerns?

If you are worried you can ask for a referral with a SALT and get his speech and language tested (although you will prob have to wait as appts are like gold dust at the mo).

If you aren't worried then keep doing what you're doing, it sounds like its working for you. FWIW a constant stream of talking at DCs doesn't help at all. They just tune you out. When you're doing activities model taking turns 'Right DS where is the spoon?' DS 'blah blah'. You 'Great, what do we do next?'. DS 'blah, blah' You 'Yep, let's give it a stir'.

And when you are talking, make sure TV and radio is off.

Did you say earlier on the thread that you and DH are at home 4 days? Who is she with the rest of the time and have they raised any concerns?

I think you are worrying unneccessarily, please enjoy your little one and dont let SIL spoil it for you. People can over complicate a natural process like learning language. If you had a friend round for coffee with another child you might find it easier to get talking more. Or if you're out and about you could point out things. I think hearing adult conversation is valuable too, rather than just baby talk.

For what it's worth, I let mine play together a lot when they were small, they are close in age and I think children like to play with children. So I played a lot less than would have done with an only child. They all were slowish talkers until about 4 when they caught up and never stopped since. They all are
now very able academically with good vocab and imagination, and they still play together.

My mum or dad didn't play much with me or my siblings, but there was a lot of talk in the household, although I don't think they were worried about how fast our speech was developing.

You sound lovely and you wouldn't be worrying if you were a crap mum.

OP, your SIL is giving you good advice - she's not being a pain or overdramatic, it's all good stuff. Children don't learn to communicate by accident, they need interaction with their parents and other adults to help them to develop. Rather than 'waiting' until the child interacts with you, join in with what DS is doing and follow his lead - let him show you how he likes to play, then talk about what he is doing.
I know all this advice can seem confusing - a chat with the SLT will make it more 'personalised' for you, and they can show you some of these strategies, which may make it easier to follow.

You do things with him, I know that if I sit down with mine (only a year) and try to help him, or direct his play he gets very annoyed, gets up, and goes somewhere else (he can't be left on his own though, so I end up just sitting there and watching..). He wants to play cars, he doesn't want you to play cars for him!

It sounds like you do do talky activities with him, if you feel you should be making more effort I wouldn't interfere with something he's enjoying doing, but instead have him 'help' with the housework or similar just as the others suggest.

I totally agree with LaWeasel that you are doing the right thing by responding to your DS when he asks for your attention, like reading to him when he brings you books. That's not being neglectful, that's responding to him appropriately, IMHO.

My DS is the total opposite and needs a lot of input and playing with. It used to drive me mad when he was younger but as he's got older (he's 3.10) it's got easier as he will play by himself for longer, and also (crucially!) his games have become more interesting to me. Playing cars with a 2 year old is extremely tedious but playing cars with a 3 year old is more fun as he uses his imagination more. Since he turned 3 he's been able to play simple board games, like Snakes and Ladders which I actually quite enjoy.

Do you chat to your DS while you change his nappy, when he's in the bath, at the table? You're probably talking to him a lot more than you realise, and if he's able to amuse himself for large parts of the day, so much the better!

I find it really hard to whitter on about nothing for extended periods too. Found it hard with DS1, find it hard with DS2. DS1 had a fair number of words at a similar age, but didn't start stringing them together until just after 2. He's now 6 and has extremely good language skills. DS2 (2 next week) has more advanced speech - possibly because his brother is jabbering on at him a lot of the time.

I do the same sort of things as you - read a bit, sing some songs, do some counting, interact when he wants to. He gets quality interaction and conversation, but not all the time, and I think he's doing fine.

I like what blackeyedsusan says about constant talking just being noise - that makes a lot of sense.

when i had my first dc i was a bit like you sound i just felt almost awkward when it was just me and her talking i didnt really know what to say. I would say things like "oh look theres a car, oh and another car" for example then be sort of lost for words. As she got older and i had more children it just sort of started to flow more naturally now she is 6 and i have 3 more i feel like i never shut up and sometimes they are not even in the room and i find myself talking about what i am doing. I think for some people skills like this just develop over time and you get more practice the older the child gets.

You aren't doing anything wrong at all. Children don't need this constant focussed attention that seems to be the thing at the moment. He is happy, you are happy - you do talk to him, you do read to him, you do bake with him, you do go out with him... it's not like he's at home 24/7 being ignored in the other room.

I am sure your SIL means well, but ....

Remember you can't say the wrong thing to your DS (unless you are swearing ) and it really doesn't matter if it sounds a bit silly.

I would get down on the floor with him sometimes when he is playing with his cars and perhaps let him direct the action a bit.
e.g. Which car can Mummy have?
Oh the blue one, thank you.
Look it goes very fast, show me where to stop.

I know this involves questions but they can be answered with actions rather than words. Also you don't have to think about how to make the game work because your DS controls the game.

Sounds very similiar to my ds at the same age, though he would often chat to himself while playing. He really loved his own self-directed play and tbh it never occurred to me to join in when he was happy by himself. He also would come over and fling books at me when he was ready! He is 5 now and talks constantly but still very happy to play by himself a lot.

I have also read that listening and responding to things he says and does is better than just coming over and making up stuff to talk about just for the sake of it.

I think this more about your SIL than it is about DS.

You know you are doing the right thing, you have listed all the right things. You know he is not neglected (because he comes to you and you give him what he needs). You know that your SIL doesn't actually have any idea of what she's talking about. DCs rarely talk much before the age of 2.

Imaginary play doesn't come naturally to adults, but once you crack it it's great fun. It's a bit like acting - the kids love it.

I think what your SIL is trying to tell you about is letting DS lead the play, ask him questions about what he is doing, try not to give him instructions and direct the activity yourself.