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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Off on holiday for week with another family...mad or will it be ok?? come & tell me your experiences, good or bad.

20 replies

mrsnesbit · 16/08/2011 16:03

Me dh & ds (8).

Other family, good friend, her dh, her daughter (4) and son (9) who has addhd & ??autistic traits.

what experiences do you have of holidaying with other folk?

OP posts:

Shanghaidiva · 16/08/2011 16:13

Ok if you do not do everything together for the entire holiday. IME if you do not have some time apart you will go insane..
Recently went to Borneo with good friend and her 2 children (11 and 8) and my two (11 and 5). Her son only eats pizza or steak and she though it perfectly reasonable for us all to accommodate his food preferences - drove me nuts!

mycatoscar · 16/08/2011 16:14

are you sharing accomodation? I would only agree to going away with another family if it was seperate villas/caravans for example

Original poster

mrsnesbit · 16/08/2011 16:21

Sharing a cottage.

Planning most activities all together.....

OP posts:

ExitPursuedByATroll · 16/08/2011 16:23

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

thestringcheeseincident · 16/08/2011 16:24

Different activities in the day.
A kitty for food/wine
Offer reciprocal babysitting for a night out
Let the routine go if you are a routine junkie
Get drunk every night!

mycatoscar · 16/08/2011 16:24

Have you been away with them before? Have you agreed things like cooking, washing up payign for shopping etc?

I think in your position I would definatley be planning in some days when you go off on your own, also it's an ideal opportunity for an evening out minus children for both couples - hope it all goes well

Fennel · 16/08/2011 16:28

We have a lot of good experiences of holidaying with other families. we don't always do everything together though, and we have to be a bit flexible on food, bedtimes etc.

We are quite firm on what sorts of htings we want to do, and if the other family wants to do them they do to, and if they don't we meet up again later in the day.

I like holidaying with other people and other families. even though sometimes there are issues, kids not getting on etc, we cope.

girlywhirly · 16/08/2011 16:35

Yes, have some times for each family to do things separately. A lot of difficulties on holiday are to do with being stuck together all the time, and differing parenting styles. Plus, you will all have to manage with the friends' older sons traits/behaviour, possible food issues, not getting ready quickly if you need to get somewhere in good time, difficulty with strange places, etc.

Have you had a discussion with the other parents about any issues and how you will all deal with them, and how you want to organise your time on holiday, because I think you have to be very honest about things upfront and not seethe silently when things don't go the way you want them to.

levantine · 16/08/2011 16:36

I want to know this too. We're going to stay for a week with friends in their house in France. My main idea was to ply them with booze be very generous with supermarket shops.

Doing some stuff seperately sounds good though. DS1 adores their eight year old but our little one is only one so we are still a bit restricted in things we can do.

Original poster

mrsnesbit · 16/08/2011 16:41

I do forsee issues with the older boys behaviour, however if we lay down acceptable rules for both sides at the getgo, i think it wont be too horrendous.

We parent in a similar fashion, we do hold similar views, we also enjoy a wee tipple and LOVE food equally so we are organised on the food & drink side of things.

OP posts:

CaptainBarnacles · 16/08/2011 16:41

Had a brilliant holiday with two other families earlier in the summer. I really enjoy it: takes the pressure off the individual family units and the kids have playmates.

As Fennel says, I think you have to be a bit laid back about food and bedtimes. When people on MN stress about shared holidays, that's what it often comes down to. If you can go with the flow, you'll be fine. I also agree that you should decide what YOU want to do - if you love walking, and never do any because the other family doesn't like it, you'll be frustrated.

MissMap · 16/08/2011 17:03

We have had some lovely holidays with friends. Its extended family that I have had problems with! Too awful to recount here - booze, bad language and fisticuffs and that was just the aged great aunts!

Have a great time. l

mamas12 · 16/08/2011 17:05

Keep your mouths shut re parenting
Organise individual family time
Keep your mouth shut re parenting
oh and keep you mmouth shut re parenting.

You'll have a lovely time

WilsonFrickett · 16/08/2011 17:09

"I do forsee issues with the older boys behaviour"

Sorry to be Mrs Picky Pants but if the boy has ADHD and ASD and you view that as "behavioural problems" then you probably will end up with a bit of friction. He may have a lot of problems with change in his routine and environment, which will not be his fault. If you start raising issues with 'your DS behaviour' then that will not be a pretty conversation.

He will need time and understanding. He may not be able to cope with trips and stuff that you want to do, so I think that you would be very wise to plan activities separately. In fact, I would do this anyway - one day separate, one day together - or I would go insane, but that's just me and I have to do that when it's just me and DH away

flyingmum · 16/08/2011 17:21

Just be aware that children with ASD/ADHD find change very hard - big change like going on hols is fine but small changes like a change in breakfast cereal or a sudden change in activity which has been planned for (ie, we said we'd go out at 10.00 and it's now 10.30) might cause big probs. This then is very stressful for the parents of said child who are constantly having to think ahead as to what might cause a melt down etc etc. This child might have to have some time to himself for 'calm down' time or might have to do something repetitive to help hiim cope - this might be something like swinging on some swings. I remember a couple of holidays in France driving around trying to find public swings! and I once chose a holiday home soley because it had a swing on sight. You might need to pre warn your son that X might get wound up and can sometimes do and say stuff without thinking. Do factor all of this in when you are negotiating trips, and behaviour etc. You might have to let up on some of the things you would crack down with on your son as a norm because with a child with these types of difficulties you have to pick your fights but conversly you don't want your son getting the idea that he is unfairly treated. I think it is a tribute to you that that the family want to go on holiday with you. Remember your son might want a break from their son as well. I think the holiday might go through a bit of a honey moon period for the first few days and then sticky wickets might be hit in the middle once both sides have become a little wearied of each other - this might be the time to do lots of separate activities. I think lots of wine might need to be consumed.
Good luck and have fun!!!

girlywhirly · 16/08/2011 17:35

Wilson is right. He may be more unsettled by the new environment, less willing or downright refuse to go new places or try new things. He may have real difficulty in eating unfamiliar food. He may have to go through 'routines' over and over to help him cope which delays everyone. These sorts of things aren't his fault and he can't help them, but may be frustrating to others.

emmanumber3 · 16/08/2011 17:46

I've done it in the past and never would again .

To cut a long story short, I ended up wanting to throttle my friends' DD (more than once) and had to resort to walking out of our accommodation for some "fresh air" on more than one occasion.

We shared accommodation as the whole point of us holidaying together was to get a cheap extra break away for the DCs - I imagine things might be better with seperate holiday homes. At least you each have somewhere to retreat to for a mental rest!

Good luck .

Original poster

mrsnesbit · 16/08/2011 18:07

The other family go on about 5 holidays per year, their boy is very used to travel.

When i say "behaviour issues" i mean that he has little or no insight into how big he is and how rough he can play, he is very physical and as a result, he needs to be constantly supervised as he can cause actual body harm to whoever he is with.
Apart from that he is gorgeous, fun, happy and a wee love. Ds actually adores this boy, as do we

He is remarkably accomodating and flexible, this is not a problem to him, although he does need to know what is happening and time scales to remain in the loop and to anticipate what is to come. Again, he is very flexible if plans are changed, as long as it is explained to him.

Me & ds are really looking forward to it, dh not so much becuase for some reason this child is quite agressive towards him, he hit him in the face with a plastic bottle the other day within seconds of us walking in. DH is firm with him and tells him its unacceptable behaviour (backed up by boys parents) dh just wasnt expecting it, ususally he can see what he is going to do and avert it, sometimes its sudden and out of the blue.
This i can see will be a strain.

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 16/08/2011 19:14

Honestly? My DS is a strain for us sometimes so there's no way I would holiday with other people. Having to manage DS behaviour, anticipate how the other people are feeling, constantly supervise him playing with another child... It would just be too much for me so I take my hat off to you all.

I think that doing somethings separately will allow both families to have some space, i.e. the other mum not to worry that her DS is murdering yours, or that he's setting your DH's head on fire with the barbeque. And your DH 'being firm' with my DS would definitely wind up my DH, to be honest.

Dr Wilson prescribes Space Space Space!!!!!!

Have a great time though

Original poster

mrsnesbit · 17/08/2011 20:02

Space it is then, i think we will sort out days out as a threesome.

OP posts:

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