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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my maternity leave to be one long NCT group competition

82 replies

DollyDaisy · 16/08/2011 10:40

First it was the birth, then which baby was drinking the most "hungry baby" milk, then which baby was sleeping through the night.....

We have now apparently moved onto weaning and which baby is eating the most carrot puree. Just to add that all our babies are between 4 and 5 months old and only 1 has been advised to start weaning early by their GP. As the lone "milk only" mother in our group I was asked over the weekend if I planned to breastfeed my son until he was 10!

AIBU or just bitter that so far DS and I have come last in each round

OP posts:

fikel · 16/08/2011 19:46

So glad didn't do NCT and my friends that did said it was ultra competitive, go to some local mums and tots instead.

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 16/08/2011 19:59

NCT groups, and other M&T groups, the hospital ante-natal class etc. have been great for me. I loved the summer after DD was born, meeting up with other mums at each others houses for lunch or just coffee and chat. Did live in Tooting & Wimbledon area which was apparently the most fertile and broody area of the country

A group of friends who all met when our DC were little through NCT coffee mornings and toddler group are spending the last few days of the summer hols together in a hostel in the Peak District. We've done this several times now in different hostels. Most of the kids are teenagers now.

I guess I just got lucky !

< competitive sociability emoticon ! >

Anyhow, hope you enjoy the rest of the summer with your DC, and find conducive non-competitive company. Summer days with a new baby can be such a lovely time, don't let anyone spoil your happiness.

onebigchocolatemess · 16/08/2011 20:38

veronicacake stealth anti-boasting has been added to NCT curiculum in my area

breathslowly absolutely agree, why only have a PFB when you can have a PSB too

PaigeTurner · 16/08/2011 20:52

My NCT group actually made me feel really shit about myself because I have been a lone parent since pregnancy and they were all married. At first they pitied me (no thanks) and then they apparently decided I wasn't their sort of person - I'd pitch up to groups we had agreed to go to together to find they'd all arranged to walk there and not told me so I drove, or they'd arrange nights out on the only days I couldn't get a babysitter.

No great loss, I found their baby conversations terminally boring.

AKMD · 16/08/2011 21:13

Oh YANBU, that kind of 'socialising' would bore me witless.

My SIL used to work at a lovely nursery in a vairy posh town nearby and said that the staff were driven demented every now and again when one toddler's mummy let it be known to the other toddlers' mummies that their dahling DC was 'showing all the signs' and they were potty training. Suddenly, all the yummy mummies decided that they were going to start potty -training too, which led to a couple of weeks of hell as a roomful of 1 year-olds made messes everywhere while their mothers insisted that their Dc were 'ready' and that nursery must help potty train them immediately. It took a couple of weeks for the majority of the mums to give up but a few die-hards would carry it on for a month before deciding to tell everyone that their DC were far too interested in learning to notice when they needed the loo

My favourite competitive 'stage' is mums getting smug about when their DC get teeth and how many they have, as though it's a sign of their drooling infant's advanced intelligence and/or their own superior parenting ability.

The group of mums I regularly get together with (not NCT) all have a good laugh at the competitive mummy madness and swap stories n the best ones :o

Woodlands · 16/08/2011 22:42

It's true actually, the NCT group don't tend to get together very often (I didn't actually do the classes myself, I just tagged onto the group) and my better group of mum friends I met locally through the children's centre. It's nice because we all live within about 5 minutes walk of each other and our babies aren't all exactly the same age (range of between about 10 months - 16 months), so there's less competitiveness.

slp123 · 16/08/2011 23:00

I have a love/hate relationship with my NCT group! The sharing of minute details used to bore me silly and even now if I meet up with them in the evenings (I am the only one who works) the conversation is ONLY about DC! My DD is 2.4 and last time we met the conversation was about school places!!! Too much for me I'm afraid!
My FIL gave me some advice even before I had my DD and said at these meetings always be the last to speak and then u can have the trump card! I used to say things like she is getting ready for her maths GCSE!

TheSecondComing · 16/08/2011 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Woodlands · 17/08/2011 08:11

hey, it wasn't me who insinuated that people on the postnatal thread are lying... in truth, I'm sure they're not, but it is an interesting phenomenon that online babies walk sooner!

emsies · 17/08/2011 09:14

Wow juggling - none of my groups I went to bonded like that - you were very lucky!

I'm on no 2 in a new area and hoping to make some new mummy friends (so many people said "oh yes these are the ones you will keep for life" that it makes me sad that didn't happen like that in general!) The NCT doesn't do refresher classes here so I'm hoping it might just happen somehow. I don't know if there are HV postnatal groups when you are on your second one.

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 17/08/2011 09:26

Yes emsies, very lucky, and it's made such a difference to the whole experience with the DC's - I'm really looking forward to our few days away together at the end of the summer - even if some people do get us walking miles up and down all the hills !

GetOutMyPub · 17/08/2011 09:28

lol, I had the same thing till DS started crawling & walking months before any of their children. It put their noses right out of joint!

I started making some other friends at babygroups at local church & health centre and we natuarly drifted apart & the other friends I made are some of my best friends now.

I made friends with other mums that chose to talk about eastenders rather than anything baby-related lol!

TheSecondComing · 17/08/2011 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Miggsie · 17/08/2011 09:35

My NCT group were not really my kind of people, although the teacher was lovely. After we all had our babies I discovered they were not really my kind of people who also bored the arse off me with their baby obsessions. So I didn't keep up with the group, other than the lady who lived round the corner from me who would say "good morning" on the odd occasions we met. She stopped doing this when she found I'd sent DD to local state instead of private.

See, they weren't my kind of people!!!!

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 17/08/2011 09:36

Hopefully people compare notes to make it all more interesting as well as for reassurance, and to share the funny things like when my DD started crawling she could only go backwards !
Even though she's 12 now I remember it well
It is funny too though when people start getting competitive and proud when their DC's grow a new tooth !

startail · 17/08/2011 09:37

YANBU
Some groups work and some don't, DD1s NCT group didn't, but the bumps and babies lot were lovely.
DD2s NCT group are lovely (I'd moved and wanted to meet people) yes one or two do things in a much less laid back way than me, but they never preached that theirs was the one true path.
However, there are things I wouldn't share at the breast feeding when 10 comment, not quite 10, but pretty close.

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 17/08/2011 09:40

I breast-fed DS til his sixth birthday startail - can you trump that ?
Even then I had to go away for a short break with a friend to get him off the boob !

Cheria · 17/08/2011 09:45

Mimee they might well be telling the truth. DD is 5 months exactly and has been sleeping through for two months, and I have rarely heard her cry since she was about two months old. I'm not saying that to boast (in fact I tell as few people as possible as they say really nasty things like 'oh you don't know you're born' and 'long may it last but it won't' )

But I don't consider your people to be boasting it's just they are so glad things aren't going as badly for them in some ways as other people. And yeah there are heaps of times when any first time mum feels they don't know what they're doing, but a lot of people don't dare admit that - hence focussing on the good things and putting on a confident act. It's not necessarily point scoring, but it is annoying to others I guess (so they all join in?)

When my friends with similar aged babies or older tell me they are still being woken up several times a night I keep really quiet but thank my lucky stars every day that I am having such an easy time of it.

On the other hand I do have problems with my DD that I also don't talk about - I worry about her nappies or what goes in them. I worry about how often or not she takes a dump. Etc etc etc.

Personally I didn't join an NCT group or equivalent as I didn't want any specific way rammed down my throat, and I didn't want to just socialise with people with babies. I spend so much time thinking about her that when I socialise I like it to be baby-free talk.

EightiesChick · 17/08/2011 09:49

NCT groups, like any groups, are very variable. Mine was great and we still meet up. Yours doesn't work for you - that's fine. Quietly let it drop OR just ignore the competitive stuff.

Mimmee · 17/08/2011 10:33

Think you might be right Cheria, and I guess a lot of it is probably insecurity on my side making comparisons and then wondering why DD not doing that or what I am doing "wrong" so probably making myself feel bad IYSWIM?

First baby is so all consuming I think that you do get completely caught up in it - I'm one of three and mum has tons of albums full of photos of me, one album for my brother who came next and my youngest brother just has a couple of baby photos shoved in a drawer!

SootySweepandSue · 17/08/2011 10:48

I'm so jealous of people who have a good NCT group. I could write what my lot have in common on the back of a fag packet ('have baby'). Having said that though, mine was the only girl and was born 6 weeks after all the other boys which all arrived within 7 days of each other. I was so disappointed with my group and even now when I force myself to meetup I feel deflated afterwards . Not nasty ladies just nada in common.

breatheslowly · 17/08/2011 11:02

Sooty - that's really sad. I would have thought that they would have made a bit of a fuss about your DD, being the only one.

porcamiseria · 17/08/2011 11:06

ha ha, dpont even start me on SCHOOLS. you wait, when people ask schools I want to scream and turn blue

exoticfruits · 17/08/2011 11:29

My NCT groups were lovely-but that was in the days before it was a competition! Now it seems as if the fact that your baby doesn't sit up early they are doomed!
Either don't continue with them or just smile enigmatically and say 'I'm just enjoying the stage she is at'-don't engage further. Everyone seems to feel the need to defend or justify and it really isn't necessary.

Purplegirlie · 17/08/2011 11:30

OP, I think you have 2 options here:

First is to just stop meeting up with the group and maybe go to some toddler groups to try and find some more like-minded friends

The other is to just drop out of the competition. So if one of the mums says "Oooh little Margaret is walking now", just say "Wow, that's really good, well done Margaret", and don't elaborate or give any indication of how your baby is doing. Boastful people are generally insecure and if you come across as being very secure and happy in yourself and happy with what your baby is doing, they will eventually stop boasting to you. Or just reply "Great" when they tell you something and then change the subject "So, how was your holiday then?".

I find the latter has worked really well for me in the past; one friend in particular who has a DS the same age as mine used to be very competitive and would be quite passive aggressive and would compare the boys. I realised that it was because her self-esteem is low, so I used to tell her how fantastic her son was when she boasted and then change the subject. It did throw her at first but eventually she stopped doing it, I guess because it was pointless as she realised I wasn't going to get involved.

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