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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MI seems to have a favourite GC so I stopped my son from sleeping over

23 replies

heathermumof3 · 15/08/2011 18:51

Ok my MIL seems to favour my middle child. My DS who has just turned 3 seems to he my MIL favourite. I have 2 other children one DS 8 and my DD 18 months.

I have been getting sick and tired of coming home to find out that my SIL (who looks after my children when I'm at work) has taken my DS to my MIL to sleep. I then have my other son who always asks if he can go. I have asked her if she want my oldest to stay but she says no because he prefers his other grandma. This jealousy on her part beside she see's my parents as wealthier and says they buy lots of stuff for the grandkids ( this is a load of crap my parents never buy my kids stuff but if we need help they some times help us out like putting money towards birthday parties etc). My MIL is constantly buying them toys and clothes which I appreciate.

I have asked her if she would take my DD even for a few hours before when I've been stuck but she says she can't cope with girls. She only ever asks how middle child is and only ever wants to look after him.

AIBU to putting a stop of him sleeping over or is that being selfish on my part.

If there is any spelling mistakes My phone wornt let read the whole post back. Sorry

OP posts:

EuphemiaMcGonagall · 15/08/2011 18:54

YABU and childish.

Sounds like you have issues with her and SIL though. You need to tackle them.

ddubsgirl · 15/08/2011 18:56

stop him from staying and tell her that until she treats them all the same he wont be staying again.
my kids only have thier dads parents but have often told my kids that were my parents still here they would be spoilt rotten and given tons of money etc,which is utter crap!my half bro has 3 kids and my parents didnt spoil them at all,my mil has it in her head that my family were rich because my dad worked and we had our own home & a car.

LoopyLoopsTootyFroots · 15/08/2011 18:58

YANBU, they should all be treated the same.

Original poster

heathermumof3 · 15/08/2011 19:00

My MIL can work but wornt she has to loom after her dogs. I hate it when she says stuff about my parents she thinks they come round with big wedges of cash and buys the kids toys every week. This is rubbish they help me out from time to time That's it.

OP posts:

Verahaspurpletwuntypants · 15/08/2011 19:01

I think you need to address the issue with SiL.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 15/08/2011 19:01

YANBU. Tell her that you expect her to treat all the kids the same and that anything else is completely unacceptable! Tell the same to your SIL and that she isn't to let one child go there if the others are excluded.

EuphemiaMcGonagall How the hell is it childish to want to protect ALL of your children from favouritism?! It will damage them all, even the favoured one.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 15/08/2011 19:04

The things she is saying about your parents seems like a separate issue to the favouritism. Next time she mentions the money from your parents thing just look at her like she is bonkers and say ""What the hell are you talking about?! You mention this every week and it is so far from the truth that I am starting to wonder if you are having hallucinations!"

AlfalfaMum · 15/08/2011 19:06

I agree, it's favouritism at it's worst.
Has she been guilt-tripping your DS1 about his other granny?

yanbu.

I'd be reinforcing my own views on the kids too - I'd tell them you believe all kids should be treated fairly, and any adult who doesn't is a bit silly!

What does your DH think?

specialmagiclady · 15/08/2011 19:07

You could say that you understand that she has a favourite - it's only natural to like some people more than others after all - and it's great to have a lovely relationship with him but that the children have started to notice that they don't get treated the same. Do your parents get to see as much of the GCs as she does? If she's determined to belIeve they're showering girls with gifts could you pOint out that kids don't card about that sort of thing but they'd rather spend time together!

pchip · 15/08/2011 19:11

Was she doting on DS1 when he was around the same age? Maybe she simply loves a certain stage they're in...ie 3 year olds as opposed to 8 year old or 18 month olds?

Solola · 15/08/2011 19:11

I'm in a similar position to you but it's my own parents who seem to favour one of my sons. In my case it is the eldest one (5). I always thought it was because he is the first grandchild but in your situation it's obviously not about that. Have you any idea why he is the favourite (except for being a boy of course?!)?

It does upset me too that this favouritism is being shown and I have pointed it out to them a number of times. We have it regarding sleepovers too and i've started to insist that if they invite DS1 to sleepover or swimming etc then they need to either include DS2 or also take him out on his own for a special treat.

Haven't made a big deal out of it yet myself as DS2 is only 2.11 and so not too aware of it but I will watch this thread with interest and see what advice you are given.

Think your are right to act on your instinct to stop this unfair treatment YANBU

Original poster

heathermumof3 · 15/08/2011 19:13

My DH has had a argument today over it with his sister. He came home from work to find that DS 2 was not here and went mad. He told them they had to bring him home because I hadnt seen him and that it was not fair to the other children.
This is when my MIL was on the phone screaming that my DS wanted to stay at his and that my DS2 would not want to come because he has his other rich grandma. My DH lost his nerve and said that it was just me who would want him back home as i would of missed him. In other words he chickens out and blamed it all on me.

OP posts:

HappyMummyOfOne · 15/08/2011 19:37

Why not just use proper childcare? That way you know where your children are at pick up time. Unfair to expect your SIL to stay away from her mums when she is doing you a favour.

Original poster

heathermumof3 · 15/08/2011 19:42

She is not doing us favour she gets a full wage. As she was working for us at our business and I was paying for all this child care so for the same wages plus bonuses (like fuel and other expensive paid for) she looks after them. Also I had to take my DD out of CC as she has certain dietary needs which the nursery was not doing and causing my DD to be hospitalised.

OP posts:

herbietea · 15/08/2011 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

fatfingers · 15/08/2011 19:54

My dm favours my eldest dd and always wanted her to stay over but once youngest dd became old enough to miss her sister, I insisted she took both dcs or neither. She was fine with this and takes both. However, if I was your position I would be driving over to take my child home. I would just say very calmly that his brother misses him so he has to sleep at home. And I would repeat this as often as necessary until she gets the message.

BreakOutTheKaraoke · 15/08/2011 19:54

So have you got your DS home now then?

ehedydd · 15/08/2011 19:59

YANBU, my pil blatantly favour my ss to my ds, to the point of saying in front of me about ss and I quote that he is the number one, the best and the most important!!! They also told my mother when ds was a few days old not to do anything for me, dp and ds as they wouldn't be doing anything to help us so she shouldn't and to leave us get on with it. They do absolutely zero for my ds and everything for ss, it is very hurtful seeing them behave like this and hearing them say these things :(

HappyMummyOfOne · 15/08/2011 20:04

If you are paying her then, she's obviously registered to provide childcare so you can insist where your children are. Ofsted would not be happy that a childminder is handing childrens care over to somebody else against the parents wishes.

Original poster

heathermumof3 · 15/08/2011 20:58

Happymummyof1 she is not a registered child minder. With mine and my husband wage our taxcredit help towards child care was not alot. So as my husband works split shifts and my SIL was working for us at our business. She loves the kids and due to my DD becoming I'll because the nursery was not sticking to her dietary needs my SIL wanted to look after the kids. For the same wage plus more it worked out good for us. This ment some one who the kids loved and we trusted could look after our DC.
Yes my DS came home. The issue is not with how my SIL looks after the children. Pissed off with her though for just me coming home to find that her and my MIL has decided ok themselves that my DS2 is staying over with out me consenting it

OP posts:

skybluepearl · 15/08/2011 21:43

You have to ban them from taking him without permission - go and get him if need be. Say that all kids must have a turn sleeping or non will.

BreakOutTheKaraoke · 15/08/2011 21:44

Think you're going to have to speak to her I'm afraid. Wait til the kids are in bed one day, or with their dad, explain that its not fair on your other DCs, that whatever ridiculous ideas she has about your parents are not true, and tbh, nothing to do with the way she treats her grandchildren anyway, and let her know that you're not accepting it anymore. Then simply don't let her- do like you have tonight, go get your son every time, and tell her exactly why she is not having him, unless she is willing to do the same for all of them.

With your SIL, lay down the law. Explain why you don't want her to send your DS, but then get tough. You are paying her, at the end of the day. Let her know if she isn't looking after your child, while you are PAYING HER TO, you will be docking her money at the appropriate rate for one child to be out of her care. And actually do it- follow it through. Where common sense can't get through, unfortunately, sometimes money can.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 16/08/2011 10:31

My DH has had a argument today over it with his sister. He came home from work to find that DS 2 was not here and went mad. He told them they had to bring him home because I hadnt seen him and that it was not fair to the other children. This is when my MIL was on the phone screaming that my DS wanted to stay at his and that my DS2 would not want to come because he has his other rich grandma. My DH lost his nerve and said that it was just me who would want him back home as i would of missed him. In other words he chickens out and blamed it all on me.

So they take your son from your SIL house and just take him home for the night without permission? Fucking hell! Does she not respect your authority as the mum at all?! Demand that he is brought home and that it is to never happen again. You DH needs to grow a backbone. Maybe you should put it in writing to her is your DH isn't capable of doing it?

This is about more then leaving your other dcs out, this is her think that your son that she favours is hers to do with as and when she wishes. He is NOT HER SON!

As for the rich grandma thing . . . what the fuck is she talking about?! Surely the one she favors has the same rich grandma?! I would seriously tell her to shut her fucking mouth and stop talking such pathetic inacurate bollocks.

I am not sure I would even want this woman near the kids.

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