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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ignore my DH's views when it comes to breastfeeding in public?

128 replies

SpamMarie · 15/08/2011 14:49

I don't have any children yet, but I was discussing the possibility with DH, including the fact that I'd be pretty dead set on breastfeeding.

He is very happy about that - breast is best after all - but we disagreed on one rather important point. Breast feeding in public is, in his view, Not Going To Happen. He says he doesn't have an issue with women who breastfeed in public himself, just that he doesn't want me to do it because it will attract negative attention, there may be perverts about, it's all society's fault etc. He is concerned for me and my safety. He reckons as long as we're organised with our feeding times and outings, there shouldn't be a problem, and I can always just pump in advance and take that out with me.

I don't think DH knows very much about how breastfeeding actually works. Breastfeeding in public was not something I was initially overly keen to do myself (purely because I'm shy), but the more I read about how breastfeeding works, the more I see that it would be a hugely positive thing to embrace unless I wish to remain trapped in the house for 12 months. According to him, I can just pump to solve that issue. Never mind missing out on bonding, the risk of nipple confusion, the general faff and equipment needed, and the fact that I really don't like the idea of pumping unless really medically necessary.

Also, I am not AT ALL bashing women who choose this method of feeding. I just want to know AIBU at my husband's attitude?

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 15/08/2011 17:54

Make a list of his ideas and you can both have a laugh at them when you face the reality

Do it for both of you to be fair (remembers fond plans of no TV, no plastic toys, no losing it and shouting in publiclike a fishwife , no leaving the little -bugger-- babe to howl etc etc. )

chubbleigh · 15/08/2011 18:01

This bloke sounds very confused about sexy boobies that are fun-bags for him vs. giant milky breasts that belong to the baby for six months at least.

Will he cope?

99.99% of people either don't notice or don't care or think a good thing. In my experience the strongest reaction same from teenage girls who thought it was DISGUSTING and seemed to be ashamed on my behalf.

GreenEyesandHam · 15/08/2011 18:10

Your husband is missing one very important fact (besides the ones about it bring your body etc)

You don't display your breasts when BFing public

So ask him exactly what his problem is.

BetsyBoop · 15/08/2011 18:10

"He reckons as long as we're organised with our feeding times and outings, there shouldn't be a problem, and I can always just pump in advance and take that out with me."

He really doesn't have a clue about how babies feed does he?Bless Grin

With DS this might have worked some of the time, but with DD no chance. Until she was about 5 months old she would go AT MOST 3 hours between feeds during the day, and took 45mins-1hr to feed, so I would never have left the house Grin Even when I managed to find the time/slot-with-milk-left to pump DD would not take ANY of the MANY teats/bottles we tried, even with only DH around & me not in the house & her starving hungry (we tried umpteen times between 6wks & 4 months & then gave up!) Some bf babies just don't DO bottles...

I think we have established YANBU - I was quite shy about doing it at first, but it's easy to find yourself a quite corner & once baby is latched you honestly wouldn't know if you were feeding or just cuddling. (YOu also get very good at eating etc with one hand!)

TimeWasting · 15/08/2011 18:17

Whatme, I understand what you're saying about taking DH views into account, but breastfeeding is very different to any other aspect of child care in that it's about the mother's body too, and he should have very little say in that, and never a veto.

Squitten · 15/08/2011 18:18

It also occurred to me that in order to produce a baby in the first place, you might well have to expose your lady bits to quite a few people. How does he suggest you avoid the hospital perverts...?

Maybe if you're organised about your delivery, you can bring a suitable tarp...?

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 15/08/2011 18:19

'suitable tarp' Grin Grin

BodyUnknown · 15/08/2011 18:20

YANBU. When DD was about 5 weeks old my brother came round for a visit. It was summer, we sat in the garden, he was right in front of me, and I started to feed DD. He did a double take about 5 minutes later when he realised she was feeding - he hadn't noticed a thing, just thought I was shifting her into a more comfortable position.

So no need to whip your tits out in public if you need to feed (although I would have, and did so, many times because I really don't care). You can buy nursing tops which have little slits for your nipples to poke through, honestly not an inch of flesh will show if your DP is worried about perverts (really?!)

If baby is crying and hungry, you will feed it and probably not care a jot whether anyone can see your boob. Sounds like hubby just doesn't want anyone looking at your tits really and doesn't understand that it really is hardly noticeable. I breastfed everywhere and if you want to do it, I am sure you will just get on with it.

Pumping is ok for some people, but for me it messed with my fairly meagre supply, so if you can breastfeed in public, why not? It's also an annoying hassle, all the cleaning of the bits of the pump, the storage, and feeling like a cow on a milking machine - best avoided if you can.

Anyway you've got ages to convince him :)

ChrisPBacon · 15/08/2011 18:24

Welcome to your first day on MN

Does your name rhyme with Mammary by any chance Grin

Unless your DH is with you 24/7, I'm sure you and the hypothetical baby will get away with the odd covert suck

Namechangeoshame · 15/08/2011 18:29

I'd drop the subject completely. If you discuss it any more he will become further entrenched into his ridiculous position, and may feel unable to back down.

If you let it go with a "well, it's ages in the future, we'll see how we feel at the time" then join an NCT group and go out for a big meeting with all of them post baby. Once he is surrounded by hordes of women and their DPs all merrily flashing their aureolae away (or not, depending on technique) then he should realise what a foolish DH he has been and not mention the subject again.
Of course there's a possibilty that he is a complete arse and will fail to adjust his views once confronted with the facts - in which case you should of course ignore him, but I feel that a fight at this point in proceedings will do more harm than good.

Jodianna · 15/08/2011 18:29

For crying out loud, when are men going to learn that tits have nothing to do with sex and everything to do with feeding. Sorry, tell him he's talking complete rubbish and do whatever you feel happy with, it's your body and he has no right to dictate.
rant over!
:)

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 15/08/2011 18:38

tits have nothing to do with sex

Bollocks! They are multi purpose. Just not at the same time.

TimeWasting · 15/08/2011 18:47

They aren't his, they aren't the babies either. They are your breasts and he would do well to remember that.

DitaVonCheese · 15/08/2011 18:57

TW I keep telling DD that but I don't think she believes me Hmm

TimeWasting · 15/08/2011 19:13

The under-7s can be forgiven for their ego-centricness though Dita. Grin

exoticfruits · 15/08/2011 19:24

I don't think you need to worry about it-he will have a huge learning curve when the baby arrives. Whatmeworry is quite right, you should both write down your ideas first and then laugh later! One thing is for sure-the baby won't have read the same books and the baby will make it's needs know-loud and clear. Grin

Jodianna · 15/08/2011 19:56

sorry, but breasts were grown for feeding, their only seen as sexual because we cover them up. In other cultures they're not seen as sexual at all. It's a created thing.

Flisspaps · 15/08/2011 20:04

Ignore, ignore, ignore. He would do well to educate himself on the facts of breastfeeding, and then perhaps have a re-read just to make sure.

skybluepearl · 15/08/2011 20:10

it's not up to him is it. breast feeding in public is subtle and normal.

TryLikingClarity · 15/08/2011 20:26

I am dumbfounded at his sense of entitlement to tell you how to bf. This man has no milk ducts behind his nipples, so has no clue.

Is he actually having a laugh? If he were my DH I'd laugh in his clueless face. Send your DH round to my house and I'll tell him a thing or two.

Your body, your boobs so you choose when and how to feed your DC.

Also, will your DH be out in public with you and the baby for the first year of its life just to make sure you don't bf in front of others? Nah, I didn't think so.

If he's that worried when he is out and about with you then tell him he can sit at another table.

My in-laws and parents came out with that sort of shite when I was bf DS1, was deeply hurtful to me, so I became fierce and protective and told them that they either ignore what I was doing and sit with me, or bugger off and sit elsewhere. It worked.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 15/08/2011 20:27

That's just not true, Jodianna. Breasts and nipples are erogenous zones. They are secondary sexual organs. They have a dual/triple function, they appeal sexually to men (find mate), they form part of the arousal of females (get impregnated) and they feed babies. Clever bit of multi tasking :) We cover up breasts because we have developed a societal belief that sexual parts should be covered. Other peoples in the world walk about with their vulvas, penises and buttocks hanging out - just because they don't cover them doesn't mean they aren't sexual organs. I don't understand why some women are so insistent that breasts are only for feeding babies Confused

LittleSarah · 15/08/2011 20:31

Ah ha ha ha ha ha.

Sorry. Just the idea of being able to plan feeds and give milk to baby in a bottle if out.

My cousin was breastfed and wouldn't take a bottle at all. My aunt always says she went right to the cup at 13 months. My dd would take a bottle but I always found it easier just to breastfeed to be honest and pumping milk wasn't easy for me so there wasn't always a lot to go around! My two needed regular feeds (every couple of hours) for at least the first few months and I wanted to go out and about (not according to a plan, tbh I never went in for a strict routine, although if I had I think it would have hindered me hugely if I was also restricted to not breastfeeding in public), nothing exciting, coffee with friends, baby cinema, Sunday lunch, etc.

I remember my granny not being comfortable with breastfeeding in public so my mum ended up breastfeeding twins in a disabled toilet.

MogTheForgetfulCat · 15/08/2011 20:34

Ha ha! He needs to be (gently) apprised of the fact that no-one is going to be so exercised (in any possible sense) by the sight of a bf'ing mum's breast that your safety will be in jeopardy. Also that, with practice, it is entirely possible not to expose any flesh at all - through use of clever tops, drapery, feeding rooms etc.

I would be a bit Hmm at my DH if he started laying down the law about something like that, though - it would really annoy me if he stated that something I was planning was Not Going To Happen. Just saying!

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 15/08/2011 20:46

He can have his opinion all he likes but short of prising the baby off you and causing a scene there is very little in reality he CAN do if you bf in public (it is the 21st century and he doesn't own you or your decisions!)

As an aside my 3 dd's were all bf and were VERY reluctant to take a bottle (read red faced screaming banshee) There is no garuntee (sp?) that even with there most brillant pumping etc that you can get the baby to take the bloody bottle

bigbird80 · 15/08/2011 21:03

Your husband is a wee bit stupid. Even the most organised person cannot "time" the feeds of a breastfed baby all the time. And when they want it, believe me it is impossible to let them cry until you get home, even if home is only ten minutes away. You can totally BF in a discreet manner by just wearing loose, easy to access tops. But if I were you I would whip them out for all to see just to piss him off! Joking aside, I am sure he will see the light once baby comes. Good luck.