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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ignore my DH's views when it comes to breastfeeding in public?

128 replies

SpamMarie · 15/08/2011 14:49

I don't have any children yet, but I was discussing the possibility with DH, including the fact that I'd be pretty dead set on breastfeeding.

He is very happy about that - breast is best after all - but we disagreed on one rather important point. Breast feeding in public is, in his view, Not Going To Happen. He says he doesn't have an issue with women who breastfeed in public himself, just that he doesn't want me to do it because it will attract negative attention, there may be perverts about, it's all society's fault etc. He is concerned for me and my safety. He reckons as long as we're organised with our feeding times and outings, there shouldn't be a problem, and I can always just pump in advance and take that out with me.

I don't think DH knows very much about how breastfeeding actually works. Breastfeeding in public was not something I was initially overly keen to do myself (purely because I'm shy), but the more I read about how breastfeeding works, the more I see that it would be a hugely positive thing to embrace unless I wish to remain trapped in the house for 12 months. According to him, I can just pump to solve that issue. Never mind missing out on bonding, the risk of nipple confusion, the general faff and equipment needed, and the fact that I really don't like the idea of pumping unless really medically necessary.

Also, I am not AT ALL bashing women who choose this method of feeding. I just want to know AIBU at my husband's attitude?

OP posts:

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 15/08/2011 15:56

Your H does not have a clue about breastfeeding.

you may not be able to express milk. Plenty of women can't.
even if you do express milk, you shouldn't for at least six weeks - during which time the baby will feed as and when it wants. If you don't BF wherever you are you will never leave the house.
if you manage to express you will have to carry around a bottle of milk in your bag whenever you go out, meaning you can't go out for longer than three hours at a time, which is the safe length of time a bottle of EBM can be out of the fridge. If you baby sleeps for 3 hours then wakes for a feed it's boob or potentially rancid milk.....hmm.
your breasts will hurt if you go for several hours without feeding, and the milk that your baby isn't drinking during this time will get reabsorbed, meaning your body may start producing less as it thinks it isn't needed
people don't get attacked, verbally or physically, for BF as a general rule. Yes you get the odd twat but then you get the odd twattish comment for lots of things, not just BF. There is no safety issue with BF in public.

Please get him to read this thread, or some info from kellymom or something around breastfeeding and expressing. Then tell him he needs to support you and it will be non-negotiable that he does not give you any disapproval, or anything but complete support, when you breastfeed your baby.

minxofmancunia · 15/08/2011 15:58

He's being an arse...does he want to imprison you in the house for the next 12 months as for this comment

"He reckons as long as we're organised with our feeding times and outings, there shouldn't be a problem, and I can always just pump in advance and take that out with me."

ha ha ha ha!

he really has no idea about the feeding needs of babies does he, particularly new borns. Dd fed constantly for weeks, if i got 1.5 hours in between feeds i was lucky. I bf both of mine everywhere park benches, cafes, cinema, theatre. The majority of the time if dh was with me (who wholeheartedly supported doing it anywhere) he'd not even notice I was feeding esp as i managed to eat my own food in cafes etc. at the same time.

nomoreheels · 15/08/2011 16:04

Not to mention that in the early days, you will be probably be so knackered & zombie-like that it may be all you can do to get dressed & out of the house, let alone expressing. BM doesn't always last that long in the fridge either, mine was off before 24 hours...

Secondtimelucky · 15/08/2011 16:04

Perverts eh? He really thinks that the world is full of perverts aching to get off on the momentary glimpse of a nipple before a baby sticks its head in the way, if they are lucky, and crane their neck really hard, and they are at exactly the right angle? Sigh.

You know all the reasons why he's talking rubbish, so I won't repeat them, but i would just make it blinding clear to him that this is not up for discussion.

Secondtimelucky · 15/08/2011 16:05

Oh, and I reckon I can scare away any perverts with a well timed flash of stretch marked belly flab!

Yama · 15/08/2011 16:06

Yes, of course YANBU.

My sister said to me when I was pregnant with dc1 something like "but if you breastfeed you'll just go into another room". This was visiting my parents house. I just looked at her like this , said nothing and did what I wanted ie breastfeed wherever baby was damn well hungry.

Nobody, and I mean nobody would stop me feeding a hungry newborn.

My sister realises the error of her previous views. Must be disapponting when the ignorance comes from your husband though.

Inertia · 15/08/2011 16:09

Your husband is being ridiculous. He does not own your breasts.

Frankly I wouldn't even bother having the argument.

If you are happy to feed your baby in public, then it's your decision, go right ahead with it. Most of the time you'll be out and about with your baby but without your husband, so he won't even notice. If he is with you and the baby needs a feed, he can either accept you breastfeeding or have a go at soothing the hungry baby (or lactating) himself. I guarantee that with a screaming hungry baby to deal with, his no-BF -in public- principles will fall by the wayside in 20 seconds flat.

Once your baby arrives, your mothering instincts will kick in and you'll feed your baby as you feel appropriate- and hopefully feel confident enough to tell your DH that he is talking out of his arse.

Seriously, few people will care about (or even notice) you BF. Expressing can work for some people, but it is a lot of effort and utterly pointless if you are BF and with the baby all the time anyway - why bother with all the sterilising, bottles etc? (And I speak as someone who expressed for the Milk bank- I would only have expressed for my own babies when I was going to be apart from them.)

bugsylugs · 15/08/2011 16:27

Go with what works for you as a family. I had NO negative comments did have a few people mainly guys all ages (well not teenagers) come up and congratulate me on BF in public. I loved our tesco cafe

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 15/08/2011 16:31

YANBU Your body, your choice.

DogsBestFriend · 15/08/2011 16:34

"Breast feeding in public is, in his view, Not Going To Happen."

WTF?

If my DH spoke to me like that I'd promise him that should I ever hear that sort of controlling crap again he would be out the door.

startail · 15/08/2011 16:35

One of those occasions for smiling sweetly and ignoring DH.
By the time you have established feeding well enough to feel comfortable in public he'll hardly notice. Unless he has weeks of paternity leave you'll have BF several times in Tesco's café before your out together, anyway

Yama · 15/08/2011 16:35

DogsBestFriend has put it very well.

octopusinabox · 15/08/2011 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anonacfr · 15/08/2011 16:45

I love the way he's claiming to be 'concerned for your safety'.

Are there rioters who go round targeting BFing mothers?

knobbysEx · 15/08/2011 16:46

He reckons as long as we're organised with our feeding times and outings, there shouldn't be a problem

He hasn't got a clue. BF Babies don't work to a feeding schedule.

I couldn't pump with my first two, but had plenty with my third. Things just don't always work out as theoretically planned in advance.

I do think you are being silly to disagree about something that hasn't happened yet, and when the time come I'm sure his views will change as all he will want is what is best for his beloved baby.

DartsRus · 15/08/2011 16:52

My DP weirdly thought it was amazing that I BF both our dcs in public. He was actually proud of me for what I was doing for OUR children. He was also a great help, such as arranging a blanket as shelter when I was bfing on a windy beach. I don't think he would even understand the attitude of the OP's DH, which to me seems overly possessive.

Whatmeworry · 15/08/2011 16:55

If my DH spoke to me like that I'd promise him that should I ever hear that sort of controlling crap again he would be out the door

Wondered when the first "Leave Him" call would be...page 3 is leaving it a bit late by MN standards!

More seriously, I think ignoring DH's (who is presumably the father and will be required to co-parent) views is bluddy stupid if you want longer term support from him (looking at all the posts here I can see where all the MN "My DH does nothing to help with the DC" posts come from).

And I agree, I wouldn't be arguing about this sort of stuff before the baby has even arrived as its all theoretical, they have a way of telling you (loudly) what thay want anyway....

ragged · 15/08/2011 16:58

Even bottle fed babies aren't that consistent about when they feed!? I think the recommended advice is to feed them on demand too, now, no??? Does your DH really want to plan all your outings around the baby's feeding schedule?

Sorry, OP, but your DH hasn't a clue what living with a babe is like, does he?

porcamiseria · 15/08/2011 17:00

I will likely get told off, BUT if he really has an issue you could always show him breatsfeeding covers. means that baby can eat whenever and you are very discreet

I loved mine, and BF more and for longer thanks to it

in scenario like doctor surgery/airports it made my life alot easier

becknotts · 15/08/2011 17:05

My baby is 5 weeks old, she feeds pretty irregularly but maximum every two hours. Sometimes (often) a lot less.

As someone has pointed out you can't really give them the bottle before 4-6 weeks (until BF is established) so I would still be trapped in the house.When you factor in getting a baby ready to go out , sudden emergency changing etc even 2 hours is not enough time to do anything

I've got quite big boobs so it was hard to be discrete at first but still haven't encountered any peverts and fed in plenty of public places including pub beer garden and benches by the river.

I have started to express ( just because I would like my DP to do the odd feed in the future ) it is going well , but honestly I think I would worry taking it out with me thinking about wether 1) I had enough 2) That it might spoil /not be warm enough would stress me out a lot more than worrying about feeding in public

Your DH will find no matter how "organised" you are a tiny baby is a genius at finding the "flaw" in your plan.

DitaVonCheese · 15/08/2011 17:13

Breastmilk doesn't go rancid after 3 hours! At room temperature you've got 6-7 hours at least.

(YANBU btw, but I think we've established that )

Mumofjz · 15/08/2011 17:15

The thing is he still thinks of bold: YOUR breast as a sexual thing for him to do with what he wants, not to have any other man stare or even think about them. What will happen when the a baby is there, is realise that no-one will be visualising you in any sort of sexual sense (sorry) and get over it (you may find him a little embarrassed - after all you do have your tits out!!!)

i breast fed both my DC in full view of anyone and evryone and when i see a BF mother i still want to go up and say "Well done you for having the courage and not shying away"

DogsBestFriend · 15/08/2011 17:34

"If my DH spoke to me like that I'd promise him that should I ever hear that sort of controlling crap again he would be out the door

Wondered when the first "Leave Him" call would be...page 3 is leaving it a bit late by MN standards!"

Whatmeworry, please re-read what I actually said. That is not a call to leave him. It is a statement of fact about the actions I would take if I were spoken to like that. I don't tolerate being told what I can and can't do, particularly not with my own body. What the OP does is up to her, I gave no advice and made no comment about that.

exoticfruits · 15/08/2011 17:37

He has utterly no idea of babies. Just nod and smile, it will only take the baby screaming when you are out and about and he will be the one to suggest feeding!
I would just nod and smile anyway and do your own thing.

exoticfruits · 15/08/2011 17:47

Make a list of his ideas and you can both have a laugh at them when you face the reality.

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