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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ignore my DH's views when it comes to breastfeeding in public?

128 replies

SpamMarie · 15/08/2011 14:49

I don't have any children yet, but I was discussing the possibility with DH, including the fact that I'd be pretty dead set on breastfeeding.

He is very happy about that - breast is best after all - but we disagreed on one rather important point. Breast feeding in public is, in his view, Not Going To Happen. He says he doesn't have an issue with women who breastfeed in public himself, just that he doesn't want me to do it because it will attract negative attention, there may be perverts about, it's all society's fault etc. He is concerned for me and my safety. He reckons as long as we're organised with our feeding times and outings, there shouldn't be a problem, and I can always just pump in advance and take that out with me.

I don't think DH knows very much about how breastfeeding actually works. Breastfeeding in public was not something I was initially overly keen to do myself (purely because I'm shy), but the more I read about how breastfeeding works, the more I see that it would be a hugely positive thing to embrace unless I wish to remain trapped in the house for 12 months. According to him, I can just pump to solve that issue. Never mind missing out on bonding, the risk of nipple confusion, the general faff and equipment needed, and the fact that I really don't like the idea of pumping unless really medically necessary.

Also, I am not AT ALL bashing women who choose this method of feeding. I just want to know AIBU at my husband's attitude?

OP posts:

evenlessnarkypuffin · 15/08/2011 15:14

Oh, and obviously don't feed under bridges ^

alison222 · 15/08/2011 15:16

IT??????

TribbleWithoutACause · 15/08/2011 15:16

Also I don't think there are as many breastfeeding perverts as he might think.

nocake · 15/08/2011 15:16

My DW is BFing our 7 month DD and my immediate reaction was to fall off my chair laughing . He really does have no idea, does he?

I think you need to take him to a BF education session run by NCT or La Leche. He can then learn all about it and get rid of some of his bizarre views. He should also talk to some BFing women and their partners. I'll happily talk to him via email if you'd like me to.

AnnieLobeseder · 15/08/2011 15:17

I fail to see how this is something he can put his foot down over, really! What's he going to do, tackle you to the ground if he sees you start to unclip your nursing bra? FFS, he needs to get over himself! Suggest to him that you will use a scarf or muslin to 'preserve your modesty', just to shut him up for now, but when the time comes, just do what feels comfortable!

I used to cover with a muslin for the initial latch, but after that, people really can't see what you're doing unless they look closely, and there's certainly no nipple on display to worry about. Babies have big heads.

Catslikehats · 15/08/2011 15:18

I could say that your husband is a twat but I will try and remember back to the dim and distant past, before DH and I had DC and whilst I can't actually remember I suspect both DH and I were a bit about teh concept of BF in public.

We didn't know anyone with DC's, neither of us had ever seen anyone BFing so I probably thought it was a bit strange

Then we had a baby and all you care about is that your baby is happy and fed and all your DH will care about is that your baby is happy and fed and that you are happy and supported. All ideas about BFing at home and pumping will go out the window.

AnnieLobeseder · 15/08/2011 15:19

didyousee - because your over-full boobs would explode and leak all over the place, causing more of a scene than bf-ing. Not to mention being uncomfortable and painful, and risking messing with your milk supply.

That being said, if DH had for one minute tried to dictate any part of childbirth or breastfeeding to me (or any other part of my life, for that matter), that would have been a dealbreaker for me.

Hassled · 15/08/2011 15:21

The Spanish know how to BF in public. I saw two women with the tops pushed all the way up, no sign of a bra, holding child to breast while walking around a museum. No one batted an eyelid - I was most impressed. I spent ages working out a system whereby not a millimetre of my flesh would be on view to anyone - even if it meant wedging the DC's head under my clothing.

Anyway - your DH is being an idiot and when your baby is screaming in a restaurant he will be begging you to BF in public.

MrsHicks · 15/08/2011 15:21

Don't worry about it at this point. He doesn't know what he's talking about yet.

SiamoFottuti · 15/08/2011 15:22

He's being a bit of a twat. Your breasts, your baby, its one thing he doesn't get a say in.

nomoreheels · 15/08/2011 15:22

Tell him to do one. I tried pumping, nothing really came out. Besides, DD feeds half me, half formula but she is well known for refusing the bottle after a couple of ounces & insisting on boob. You can assure your DP that you cannot persuade a baby to be happy with a bottle in public, whether it's EBM or formula.

I bet when you have a screaming baby in public he'll be helping you undo your nursing bra in no time!

Besides, you'll get to know good spots for a quiet nurse - Boots and m&s have baby rooms, as do some shopping centres. I will nurse wherever I need to (discreetly, that's my style) but it's nice to use those places too.

TimeWasting · 15/08/2011 15:24

What a plonker. He does not have a clue.

NewbeeMummy · 15/08/2011 15:26

YANBU - I was really keen on giving BF a go when we had DD and we were lucky she latched on happily in the first few hours, and I didn't stop until she was almost a year.

I was a bit unsure about BF in public at first, but when the time came it instantly seemed like the natural thing to do. That said I did go and find myself a private office when I took DD to work at about 6 weeks and she needed a feed.

I had a few comments, about how could you do that in public, but it just never bothered me, or DP for that matter, and it saved a load of hassle with sterilising bottles etc.

nomoreheels · 15/08/2011 15:29

Sorry - that should be you cannot always persuade a baby to take a bottle!

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 15/08/2011 15:30

My first reaction is 'Idiot' (your DH, not you!)

But I've been thinking about this today (there's another BF thread that's quite interesting) and I wonder if some men worry about people thinking they are staring and leching in a sexual way at BFing mothers? I know my DP is ultra-careful to look away from anyone BFing (hard for him as he's very nosy observant and curious and likes looking at people generally) because he worries that if he were 'caught' looking in the direction of a BFing mother he'd be open to accusations of perving.

But my feeling is still that you should do what you bloody well want. And yes, if you're out with a screaming baby and for some reason you don't have expressed milk with you, or the baby is refusing to feed from a bottle, I reckon he'll change his mind quite fast!

Blu · 15/08/2011 15:34

It's all new to him. he'll change (hopefully) once your baby is born and he knows the baby needs feeding when baby needs feeding irrespective of what the clock says, and he realises that you can feed in public without flinging your naked tits under the nose of every passing pervert.

What he may not actually relaise is that he has been present many times when a baby has been being fed, and he just didn't notice - assuming that the baby was simply being held.

I'm not saying anyone SHOULD be so discreet as to be invisible, but as someone who fed just about everywhere in many public situations, I would say most of the time people don't actually realise anyway.

evenlessnarkypuffin · 15/08/2011 15:34

I think lots of men look at womens breasts when they are in public and sometimes there is a feeding baby blocking their view.

nickelbabe · 15/08/2011 15:35

YANBU
your DH sounds a but possessive

he's probably a bit shocked by the idea, but once you start doing it, he won't even notice.

My DH knows better than to make negative comments like that

and i totally agree with your pump/feed thing - one of the great thigns about breastfeeding is that you don't need to faff around with bottles etc both before you go out and once you're out - the food is on tap

DuelingFanjo · 15/08/2011 15:39

god I hate it when man twats like didyouseewhatshedid come on mumsnet and post deliberately shit opinionsjust to wind people up.

IreneHeron · 15/08/2011 15:43

Ignore him! He'll probably change his mind when you have the baby.

In my experience pumping was awful, I couldn't get any out. It didn't help that I suffered from cracked nipples to begin with. It is such a faff to when you have two portable bottles of milk, no sterilising necessary and with an infinite supply attached to your chest.

Whatmeworry · 15/08/2011 15:44

He's being a bit of a twat. Your breasts, your baby, its one thing he doesn't get a say in

Now I disagree with this, as its both of your baby. I do think the strident ignoring of your DP's views on how to parent creates all sorts of issues later on (Cue "My DH never helps with the dear child etc etc" thread in a year's time ) and as more than one thead on MN shows, the Mum can easily be the U one.

But I agree that the first time he has to deal with a yowling child in public will be the time his principles here disappear :o

AnnieLobeseder · 15/08/2011 15:45

ROFL at narkypuffin. It's funny cos it's true.

nickelbabe · 15/08/2011 15:49

actually, i can't understand why didyouseewhatshedid has that opinion in the irst place - most of what he posts is quite sensible.

nickelbabe · 15/08/2011 15:51

Whatme - i see your point there, but the DH really shouldn't be dictating on something he knows nothing about.
okay, he hadn't gone as far as didyouseewhatshedid did and say "formula in public!", but he's effectively telling his wife that she doeesen't have a say in her own body's functions, and that the baby's needs are nowhere near as important as his.

ragged · 15/08/2011 15:55

Let him read up on all the rules to do with safely cleaning equipment, expressing, sterilising and storing. Ask him if he'll take charge over all that. He'll soon change his tune!

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