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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister is an idiot for saying this?

22 replies

Wamster · 15/08/2011 13:33

My brother has just lost his father-in-law i.e. his wife's father. I rang to offer my condolences (as you do). My sister, when being told by our brother of the news, said, 'Oh well she didn't really get on with him so it doesn't matter' within earshot of my brother's wife.

I mean I love my sister and all but am I being unreasonable to think that this was a deeply stupid thing to say? Wouldn't a simple 'sorry to hear that' have sufficed? She is an idiot, isn't she?

OP posts:
FreePeaceSweet · 15/08/2011 13:35

Yes. Very insensitive too. Have a word.

Iatemyskinnyperson · 15/08/2011 13:35

Yes she is. A totally insensitive one

HMTheQueen · 15/08/2011 13:37

Idiot.

Quite like the person who said to me - at my husbands funeral - "Oh well, you're young. You'll find someone else." Shock

AMumInScotland · 15/08/2011 13:39

Yep she's an idiot. People who don't get on with their parents can grieve just as much for them - it can hurt more in some ways as you lose any possibility of making up with them, even if you don't miss their everyday presence in your life quite the same.

Original poster
Wamster · 15/08/2011 13:39

I mean the truth is that they weren't very close so my sister is correct, but that is not the point, is it?

OP posts:
youarekidding · 15/08/2011 13:39

HMqueen Shock

wamster YANBU, think you may need a word with SIS about engaging brain before opening mouth.

TheMonster · 15/08/2011 13:42

When my sister died, someone said the same to me: 'well you weren't close so it doesn't matter'. I was mortified as we were extremely close. He later admitted he got his facts muddled but it really upset me. So, YANBU.

FreePeaceSweet · 15/08/2011 13:42

HM! Shock That is repulsive. My mum said to me after I suffered a mc (one that hospitalised me and one that my children witnessed and thought I was dying) "I knew that wouldn't last. Just a feeling I had"

HMTheQueen · 15/08/2011 13:47

Some people just don't think. It's not an excuse... it's just a fact.

Original poster
Wamster · 15/08/2011 13:50

Thanks people, my sister (although I love her dearly) is such a prat that she thinks that just because she is correct, she is right to say it.

Can't seem to get through to her that being right is not the point.
Because people can still miss those even not particularly close and isn't it just easier to say 'I'm sorry for your loss' then run the risk of upsetting a bereaved person?
I mean what the heck is there to gain from saying otherwise? Daft bint. Thanks. Nice to know I am being reasonable.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/08/2011 14:23

YANBU... she sounds a bit thick. There's a time for speaking your mind and a recent bereavement really isn't it.

Bulmers · 15/08/2011 14:34

I had in my mind what I was going to post on here and Cogito's second line was almost word for word lol!

ChippingIn · 15/08/2011 14:39

Warmster - clearly you got her share of the tact!!

glastocat · 15/08/2011 14:46

I fell into a horrendous 18 month long depression when my father died, precisely because we had a difficult relationship (according to my therapist). So YADNBU and if your sister had said that to me I'd have swung for her I'm afraid or more likely have been very cross indeed.

piprabbit · 15/08/2011 14:50

Just because they weren't close, doesn't mean that SIL won't be grieving for the relationship she didn't have. She may well have regrets and guilt to cope with. Many people assume that they will work things out with people before it is 'too late', but if death happens before you get around to it then it can be very traumatic.

Your Sis is being rude and thoughtless, displaying a complete lack of empathy and compassion.

LolaRennt · 15/08/2011 14:52

glastocat

My dh's mum died 2 years ago and she had a very good relationship with her sons and very bad one with her daughter. I'm not sure who I felt worse for in the end, dh was devastated but think never having sorted out the relationship before she lost her mum must have been devastating for my sil and very difficult to work through in her head. I have a similar relationship with my mum and don't know if it will make things easier or a hell of a lot worse!

OP YANBU your sis needs a slap word

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 15/08/2011 15:09

Your sis sounds the type of insensitive twat that, a couple of weeks after the funeral, will ask the bereaved 'are you feeling better now' as if losing a loved one is comparable to having a bout of 'flu.

YANBU but you have a duty of care to others to instruct your sis in the art of engaging brain before opening mouth

lady007pink · 15/08/2011 15:37

I could write a book on people like your sister!

The day my mother died from cancer at 58, my MIL told me I should stop crying and be happy I had DDDDDM for 34 years - FFS! She said about somebody who lost a 3mo baby girl to cot death "that's great because they didn't have her long so hadn't got to know her" Shock . She told my DS he would get over the death of his pet rabbit very quickly as he was "only an animal".

My former school principal was told by somebody after a stillbirth "you'll have plenty of others".

Some people need to be tutored when it comes to speaking to the bereaved.

Andrewofgg · 15/08/2011 18:38

Some people need to have their mouths stitched up before they speak to the bereaved.

Original poster
Wamster · 16/08/2011 07:46

Believe it or not, she is not thick -top A'level grades (at a time when such things were very rare). Excellent university.

I think that what irritates me the most is that she has caused upset where there need not be any. Why didn't she just say: 'Sorry to hear that' like a bloody normal person?

OP posts:
WiiUnfit · 16/08/2011 07:48

OP, have a word with your Sister & make sure your SIL is okay too of course.

At my Grandad's funeral my Uncle's wife (so Aunt by marriage) came out with 'So what are you doing with the ashes?' to my distraught Nana who had just lost her DH of 54 years. :( It was awful & we were all completely gobsmacked. She is an odd'un though!

flimflammery · 16/08/2011 07:53

Believe it or not, she is not thick -top A'level grades (at a time when such things were very rare). Excellent university.
All goes to show that IQ is not the same as EQ (emotional intelligence). Some people are staggeringly insensitive.

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