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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with DH's lack of honesty?

54 replies

tigersmummy · 14/08/2011 15:52

I am totally in favour of parents having their own interests outside of the home, family and relationship - I think its healthy and promotes good conversation etc. However my issue in my family is the one sided-ness of it and the lack of communication regarding it. DH has a very stressful position within his company and it is essential for him (and us) that he has down time to relax.

My DH has left me a golf widow. He plays every other weekend (he insists its for a few hours - yes but those 'few' hours happen to be right in the middle of the day meaning there is no time for family time either side) for a day, then has a couple of golf holidays (he would rename them 'breaks' as they are not holidays you know Hmm on top. My issue is that it is assumed I'm fine to drop any plans I may have to look after DC. Plus one golf holiday has been extended by a day and he didn't even tell me, he was showing me an email and another about the golf holiday popped up and voila, he was caught! He is playing another golf day today and promised to take a day off in the week but is now saying that its only an extra day, why should he? Its the lack of truthfulness that irks me. I put my child first and don't think its unreasonable to expect DH to do the same. We never 'win' (hate to use that word but its become like that) against work (understandably) and golf (not understandable).

We agreed a few months ago not to have another child; I have never been as committed to NOT having another as he was, and he is fully aware of this, but a couple of weeks ago we were wondering whether we had made the right decision and just discussing whether we were in the same mindset - when he admitted the real reason he didn't want another child was that it would undoubtedly interfere in his golf schedule and, I quote, 'I would rather not play at all than play less golf than I do at the minute'. I don't think I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off at the lack of honesty about a decision that is not just for right now, but for the long term?!!!

OP posts:
Gastonladybird · 14/08/2011 15:58

Wow-I know it becomes more acute when you have kids (as there isless free time) but was he always this obsessive about golf?

Dozer · 14/08/2011 16:01

What an arse.

Dozer · 14/08/2011 16:02

Very much doubt that golf promotes good conversation.

HIBU unless he's Tiger Woods (and we all know about him).

TidyDancer · 14/08/2011 16:03

Er, yeah....your DH is a twat.

Vicky2011 · 14/08/2011 16:07

So....he based his decision not to have more kids on it reducing his time on the golf course. Yup, you know it, but he's a c*.

Original poster
tigersmummy · 14/08/2011 16:07

I'm aware that I'm not painting him in a great light - being pissed off and all Wink - but although he played occasionally before DC, he only became a golf club member after DC was born. Which I encouraged wholeheartedly. As I didn't think he would become this obsessed with it. I'm an adult, I know that I can't come first all the time. What upsets me is that DS doesn't come first. I already have issues with DH's family for putting DC's cousins first most of the time (mainly with time they spend over time spent with DC) - another story! - and don't want DC to suffer and wonder why Daddy doesn't spend as much time with him as other dad's. That is not to say that he isn't a wonderful dad, because he is. Its just the lack of honestly and obsession that is driving me mad. And this last admission has really pushed me over the edge.

OP posts:
Onlyaphase · 14/08/2011 16:08

I had virtually the same conversation with DH only yesterday. I told him that I felt that his family was coming a poor third in his priorities after work and golf. I've no great insight I'm afraid, just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

My DH will tell you that he plays golf first thing every Saturday morning so as to not cut into family time as he is back before noon. What he won't tell you is that he is shattered on his return, and will try and spend the afternoon lying on the sofa watching Sky Sports, with DD (4) jumping up and down on him. I've taken to arranging outings etc for Saturday afternoons as it is just too difficult otherwise.

Is it worth wondering why your (and my) DHs prefer golf to family time? If your DH works hard all week, playing golf every other weekend isn't so bad in isolation. Its certainly what our parents' generation did - I don't remember spending any time with my father in this way when I grew up.

What isn't right in your situation is the deception about a potential second child. I cannot think that wanting to play more golf is ever an acceptable reason for not having a child in your situation.

Original poster
tigersmummy · 14/08/2011 16:09

Dozer, I said that individual hobbies creates good conversation - not golf!!! haha.
Vicky2011, yes I asked for opinions but not ones that are vulgar - DH is not a c*.

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 14/08/2011 16:10

Some people may come on and say that you should take the same amount of time going to a Spa or whatever and he should then look after your child.

I'm not going to say that because it sounds like your husband is being very selfish and two of you being selfish isnt a solution.

It sounds like your husband has become adicted to golf. And it does seem like an adiction. The difficulty is that he 'cant see the problem'. If challenged he would say that the golf was helping him de-stress and therefore he was playing golf to benefit his family.

For golf you can also substitute a hundred and one different exclusive activities all sold to the other half as being morally superior.

Have you told your husband you have a problem with the amount of family time (and money) he is spending on golf? If so, what was his answer?

Miggsie · 14/08/2011 16:13

If he joined the golf club after you had your child then I'm afraid he did that to avoid being part of the family. And he is still using it as an excuse. Does he even want a wife or family if he only lives for golf?

It's not really a family friendly activity after all.

And I don't think he is a great dad as he frankly thinks golf is more important than his wife or child.

Fiendishlie · 14/08/2011 16:15

How old is your dc? Not sure if it makes a difference but my ds is 15 now so I don't mind being an aeroplane widow (mine is every weekend!). DS and I go shopping/cinema/out for a meal together but we are past the things you do as a family with small children - tbh we don't miss that dh is off flying stupid planes.

cjbartlett · 14/08/2011 16:17

saturday - you look after dcs
sunday - he loks after them , go shopping, lunch out, coffee shop with the papers

GnomeDePlume · 14/08/2011 16:26

Just a thought but are you sure he's playing golf?

Fiendishlie · 14/08/2011 16:30

Gnome!! Tsk. He probably spends a fortune on golf bats

Hellishday · 14/08/2011 16:32

I wouldn't say he's addicted to golf...my dh plays at least 4 times a week!
I always had Saturday afternoons off....from when dcs were 6 weeks old. And Sunday afternoons we'd do something as a family. I was never into big family outings...have never been to a theme park or "attraction".
Mine are now 14 and 12 and I am more than happy for him to pursue his hobbies, as I do mine.
What do you do to have some time on your own?

Vicky2011 · 14/08/2011 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

redexpat · 14/08/2011 16:48

Practical possible solutions: Have you tried agreeing on limits? Writing 'golf time' and 'family time' in the family planner? I know a couple who alternate weekends taking responsibility for the kids. If he does only play golf for a few hours could you get him to move the time slot so you either get the morning together or the afternoon?

What interests do you have? Have you ever asked him to drop a golf session so that you can do something else?

I think you've named the real crux of the problem which is that you feel you and DC are a distant 3rd priority. Can you tell him this calmly? Write down what upsets you and take the heat out.

MrsReasonable · 14/08/2011 16:53

Perhaps he sees golf as his only 'fun' time. You mentioned that he has a very stressful job - are you working too?

Gastonladybird · 14/08/2011 17:12

Rede pat and mrsdeve talk a lot of sense- it's not unreasonable to have a hobby (or unworkable if it takes up some time) but when you say lack of honesty do you mean about effect it's having on family life or regarding amount of golf time? Also was his family life like this (ie father not involved in life)?

diddl · 14/08/2011 17:29

It´s not odd to have a hobby.

Odd to increase time spent on that when you become a family though.

Has his job become more stressfull that he needs more "downtime"?

My husband´s "downtime" is the journey home.

diddl · 14/08/2011 17:30

Oh, but the lying is horrible & I´d be pissed off with that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/08/2011 17:38

"We agreed a few months ago not to have another child; I have never been as committed to NOT having another as he was, and he is fully aware of this ..."
So be plain here - how much would you like another child? And how much do you feel you actually agree with this supposedly joint agreement?

" 'I would rather not play at all than play less golf than I do at the minute'. "
That looks like a possible solution to me ...

DontGoCurly · 14/08/2011 17:46

Huh, fuck that shit.

Why don't you lay down the law with him. You can't unreasonableness with reasonableness.

Put his golf clubs on e-bay. No WAY would I be left holding the baby(ies) while he swans off on holiday. What does he think you are?

Anomaly · 14/08/2011 17:48

I'd be pissed off. My DH likes playing golf but does so now and again because of the amount of time it takes. FIL is into golf big time and it doesn't half pee me off that he moans that he never gets to see his grandchildren and then when we drive the four hours to their house so he can he usually plays golf at least once.

I think you need to have a proper chat about his priorities. I know during the summer with the long evenings you can easily get a round in during the week after work. Saves the weekend for family stuff.

ImperialBlether · 14/08/2011 18:39

It annoys me when people respond to this sort of post by saying "Well you have a full day/afternoon to yourself" when the whole point is that the OP wants to spend more time with her husband and family, not more time on her own!

If she took that advice she wouldn't see her husband when he's playing golf and wouldn't see him when he isn't, either.