AIBU to be annoyed with DH's lack of honesty?

[tigersmummy]

I am totally in favour of parents having their own interests outside of the home, family and relationship - I think its healthy and promotes good conversation etc. However my issue in my family is the one sided-ness of it and the lack of communication regarding it. DH has a very stressful position within his company and it is essential for him (and us) that he has down time to relax.

My DH has left me a golf widow. He plays every other weekend (he insists its for a few hours - yes but those 'few' hours happen to be right in the middle of the day meaning there is no time for family time either side) for a day, then has a couple of golf holidays (he would rename them 'breaks' as they are not holidays you know on top. My issue is that it is assumed I'm fine to drop any plans I may have to look after DC. Plus one golf holiday has been extended by a day and he didn't even tell me, he was showing me an email and another about the golf holiday popped up and voila, he was caught! He is playing another golf day today and promised to take a day off in the week but is now saying that its only an extra day, why should he? Its the lack of truthfulness that irks me. I put my child first and don't think its unreasonable to expect DH to do the same. We never 'win' (hate to use that word but its become like that) against work (understandably) and golf (not understandable).

We agreed a few months ago not to have another child; I have never been as committed to NOT having another as he was, and he is fully aware of this, but a couple of weeks ago we were wondering whether we had made the right decision and just discussing whether we were in the same mindset - when he admitted the real reason he didn't want another child was that it would undoubtedly interfere in his golf schedule and, I quote, 'I would rather not play at all than play less golf than I do at the minute'. I don't think I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off at the lack of honesty about a decision that is not just for right now, but for the long term?!!!

[MrsReasonable]

I'm still not sure that I see the problem. He plays once every two weeks, his 'lack of honesty' seems to be limited to not telling you about this one-day extension immediately, and he doesn't want to have another child because it will cut down on his (and your) free time - a perfectly true and legitimate reason.

Have you considered that he may need more personal time than the average in order to counteract his 'very stressful' job? Also, if this was regarding a woman, posters would have flamed you immediately, saying that she deserves 'me-time' or that it's not your place to demand how she spends her free time.

[tigersmummy]

Thanks for all your responses. The issue for me is not that he plays golf, but that its beginning to become an addiction and take over his life (even to the extent that he's declared he'll be devastated if DS does not share his passion) and that he's started being dishonest about it. About extending his golf holiday and not telling me. About promising to take a day off and not. He played about 2-3 times a year before meeting me and having DS so I certainly did not ever try and stop him playing. In fact I have encouraged him from the start - encouraged him to join the local club; worked out a reasonable way he could play every weekend during the winter so he could play in all the competitions.

I'm certainly not emasculating him nor do I agree with those women who do so. So many of my friends have expressed disbelief that I have 'allowed' him to go on this golf holiday - and I have been surprised because to allow someone to do something implies you have control over them. And in a marriage you shouldn't.

Anyway, I digress. Its the lack of honesty that gets to me and that he has based not having a child on the golf and not been frank. If he had told me from that start that was why he didn't want another I would have known (not been happy) but we could have talked it through rationally. I feel like I've made a decision in good faith then found it was based on a lie. I have always been less in favour of NOT having another then him, but that is normal in a relationship. For one person to be more committed to something than the other. I've always been appreciative of what I do have rather than missing something that I don't have, or may never have. And if we couldn't have another then I'm so grateful that I have DS. But I thought we were stepping forward with a mutual decision, being on the same page. But it seems we're not. And that concerns me.

He's never stopped me doing anything and I do have the time and opportunity to follow my interests and see my friends and do the odd weekend/overnight away.

We do need to talk and this morning before work I said I wanted to talk this evening about some things I wasn't happy about. He pushed me into telling me what it was about (in front of DS which he knows I don't like, I'm reluctant to talk in front of him as he picks so much up) and then petulantly said 'You've never liked me playing golf'. So that's going to be a successful conversation, not!

[Laquitar]

Is half day every 2 weeks a lot? Don't many parents go to the gym 3 times a week and many mums to yoga/salsa/etc? Is he ok if you go out or do a hobby?

[misterwife]

Hello there, I'm new. My DW posts on here.

I'll keep it brief and acronym-heavy: IMHO YANBU. It is not reasonable for him to expect you to drop everything at a moment's notice just so he can go off and have a few hits with his mates. Alone time is fine even if it's regular - some of us need lots - but the least you can expect is that it's properly negotiated with you first.

He's not open enough with you about his golf arrangements. He certainly hasn't been open with you about not wanting another kid because of the golf.

[nbee84]

His job is also his hobby - he's at the golf club for at least 66 hours a week in the summer and goes away 4-5 times a year. It's hard for me to know how much of it is work and how much of it is 'hobby time' but that's another thread

But, I still stand by my saying that the time the op's dh spends playing golf is not unreasonable.

[pictish]

i agree with oakmaiden - I too think it's healthy to have interests outside of family and children.

Seems like this guy is playing a lot of golf though, and the OP is feeling undervalued, uncherished and hard bloody done by, so it's not right.

OP - insist on your down time as well. See what he says to that.

[pictish]

Ugh golf. Poor you.
He's a tossbag.

[NickRobinsonsloveslave]

nBee84, the difference is, as a Pro, your DH is doing his job, not just fannying around for the fun of it.

[NickRobinsonsloveslave]

Why on earth would you even consider having another child with this man?

My DH EXACTLY the same as yours, only played a lot more....in the week, evenings, whole weekends in a row, golf holidays with his golf buddies.

His excuse was that I knew he played golf before we met and had children. True, but before we met and had children I used to party every weekend till 4am, get shitfaced a lot, smoke the occassional 'strange' cig, and then have long lie ins on Sunday morning. I do NOT do any of these things anymore because I am a grown up now with children and, therefore, responsibilities.

Having another child with your DH will just make things even harder....for you.

BTW, this selfish attitude eventually led to our splitting up. You can't compete with mens obsessions, and they WILL put you and DCs way down the list of priorities in order to continue playing their stupid golf.

[nbee84]

Well.... I'm the ultimate golf widow as my husband is a golf pro!

I think one weekend day a fortnight (still leaves 3 weekend days for family time) and 2 'short' breaks a year sounds reasonable - and to keep your golf to any sort of standard you need to play that much at least with a couple of trips to the driving range in between too. However, I do think him 'wimping' out on the sofa after he has played is unreasonable as it's not fair on the children and it's also unreasonable of him not to be upfront about it all.

We have 2 dc's and they have both been playing golf since they were 5 - it's a shared interest they have with their Dad. Although I'm a non golfer I got involved with the junior section a bit and could join in their conversations

[EightiesChick]

Even if you concede ground to the posters arguing for a man's right to his recreational golf time , doesn't seem fair to me that his wife apparently doesn't get the same and has to drop everything to cover for his personal golf holidays with no pay back.

[Dozer]

Agree with gnomedeplume.

[Oakmaiden]

My children are extremely important to me. They are the centre of my world. But they are not the whole of my world - I was a person before they were born, and I will be a person when they have left home and are raising their own families. And I am a person now - I am their mother, but I am also ME. And that is a good thing.

And they are an important thing I will leave to the world when I am gone - but they are also, I hope, not the only mark I will leave on the world. I have contact with many children in my life, and I hope I help to mold them too, and make their lives, and their children's lives that little bit better.

But I maintain - it is good for children to see that they are not the only important thing in your world. That you are more than just their parent - that you are a person with your own interests and that your own happiness and mental health are important to you. And that does involve taking some time for recreational activities, and not necessarily devoting every waking moment to your children.

[AngelDelightIsFab]

OAK- 'I think it does them no harm at all to know that they are not the sum of our lives...'

I'm sure you didn't mean this to sound as bad as it does? What mark is left on this world when we are gone if not our kids?

[Oakmaiden]

Nosey - Recreational time? Once you're a family 'recreational time' becomes 'family time' because the parents have to be the grown ups.

You see, I just don't agree with that at all. Yes, my husband and I are parents, but we are also people in our own rights, not just adjuncts to our children.

So we have hobbies - and sometimes they take place in "family time" so the children have to "cope" for a day with only one parent at their beck and call. I think it does them no harm at all to know that they are not the sum of our lives and that we do sometimes want to do things without them.

I guess I might be more sympathetic to the "one weekend day out of every four" if not for the fact my husband works for two weekend days out of every four, and then spends around 4 weekends a year of his not work weekends on his hobbies. Which is fair enough, to me.

This whole martyrdom of parenting is so irritating - the whole attitude which dictates you can no longer have a life of your own because you are now members of a FAMILY. It is rubbish. Of course your children's needs are vitally important, but they will not turn out to be emotionally stunted or anything just because parents spend regular time on their own interests.

[AngelDelightIsFab]

Sounds like you two need to 'reevaluate' the effect his hobby is having on the family dynamic. DH and I do this from time to time because let's face it, as the kids get older or as you have more kids, what worked 1 year, 6 months, 1 month or even one week ago might not work today. Life is too ever-changing with kids and responsibilities, etc. Sit down wit him when he is in a good mood. Prepare a list of activities you each do outside of family obligations. Then discuss and tell him why this isn't working anymore. DH and I do this mostly with household chores. (mind you only after we've had an arguement/spat/stoney silence) But in the end, we have learned that this owrks for the two of us and usually brings a resolution that we both can agree to.

[GnomeDePlume]

DH & I both played golf before DCs but once DCs came along golf had to be reprioritised and take a back seat. It's called being a grown up and recognising that other things are now more important.

I dont believe all this nonesense about stressful jobs. If your job is so stressful that you need to spend 1/4 of your rest time in golf therapy then you need to get proper help. It's just an excuse to abdicate from family life.

[Dozer]

Aurora, I don't feel sorry for the "emasculated" men, missing out on time with the "boys" but rather the "trousers" wives who feel they have to let'em have their golf than do "other things".

Presume you're not in the feminism section much?

[Dozer]

Never realised that golf could be a dangerous addiction!

It's the work too. Plus the golf. Not putting family or relationship above these things.

[auroraday]

PS I am always very clear about plans I have in advance so he knows that golf is a no on that day!

[auroraday]

The usual hot headed responses on here.
Presumably he was a golfer when you met and married him? I always feel a bit sorry for those men made to give up golf because it's unfair on the family. They seem a bit emasculated somehow - you know who wears the trousers in that house (fine if that's what works for you!). My DH plays at least every other weekend, but he leaves early so he is home by lunchtime. He goes on an annual holiday which crosses over two weekends with the boys. He went before me, he went when our babies were tiny; he will not do anything that interferes with this sacred week; there's the odd other trip too. He does a busy job and it's hugely important to him. I have my stuff I do, not as regularly or for as long as the golf, granted, but it makes me feel better, or I see friends in the evenings a couple of nights a week, etc.
Yes, sometimes we have words about golf, but ultimately I'd rather he had a healthy hobby that makes him happy and relieves stress than other things.
The "I'd rather not play at all than play less" is obviously man-strop talk. He is being petulant. Can see my DH saying that in the wrong mood, but wouldn't always mean it. I can see your point, because I would not be truthful if I said we never had words about golf - but if you marry a golfer you cannot fairly ban golf.
Can he change his tee times to start earlier?

[Fiendishlie]

oooh and I thought the stupid aeroplanes were expensive

[BimboNo5]

Ive been there, I still am. But I just think im not about to sit around moping while he pleases him self.

[glitteryturd]

Can I just jump into defense here. Unless your partner plays golf and is as obsessed with golf as some people get, then no-one can really say what it is like for their 'widow' without being in their shoes.

Let me explain - 'a few hours of golf' is more like no late night the night before and the 3 hours of them sorting their outfit, cleaning their clubs and generally pricking about in the boot of the car and the million trips to the garage. Then up at stupid o'clock, bouncing round the bedroom like they are on their way to hookersville, off to play a round which is 5 hours for 18 holes and 10 hours for 36 if they are walking the course (most uk courses are walking)...then they can never just leave the course, they have to congratulate each other on being masters of the universe so by the time they get home late afternoon / tea time ish they are 'oh so tired' and can't bare to do anything except mope on the sofa bleeting on about their shots before they have a long soak in the bath for their 'aching' muscles then off to bed for an early night. So the weekend is pretty much gone. And I speak from ten years experience, 7 years solid weekends of golf and 3 years fighting to keep it out of my life.

Then there are the golf breaks which can cost £200+ per day for a round of golf plus hotel and cart fees. So when you have a family, unless you are paying that towards family holidays and can very well afford it (lets face it most people can't in this day and age) then it becomes all a little too much to deal with. Before we had a family, my DH golf holidays a year cost us £5k+ and it was only when he pulled his face at paying 2k for a cruise for the two of us I realised that golf was a unlimited cost but holidays with the person who sucks his cock is the love of his life, there is a price limit. He wasn't the love of my life that night, I tell you!

[GnomeDePlume]

I think the problem here is not that he spends 1 day a fortnight playing golf but that he spends 1 weekend day out of 4 weekend days playing golf. The same with holidays, if he gets 25 days/year annual leave and spends 10 of those playing golf then that is one hell of a lot of family time being used up.

As others have said I think you need to sit him down and have a serious talk with him showing him the facts (ie number of weekend days, leave days, cost) of what he spends on himself away from his family. Dont get drawn into 'well you could do something if you wanted to' type discussions. This is about spending time together as a family.