AIBU to be annoyed with DH's lack of honesty?

[tigersmummy]

I am totally in favour of parents having their own interests outside of the home, family and relationship - I think its healthy and promotes good conversation etc. However my issue in my family is the one sided-ness of it and the lack of communication regarding it. DH has a very stressful position within his company and it is essential for him (and us) that he has down time to relax.

My DH has left me a golf widow. He plays every other weekend (he insists its for a few hours - yes but those 'few' hours happen to be right in the middle of the day meaning there is no time for family time either side) for a day, then has a couple of golf holidays (he would rename them 'breaks' as they are not holidays you know on top. My issue is that it is assumed I'm fine to drop any plans I may have to look after DC. Plus one golf holiday has been extended by a day and he didn't even tell me, he was showing me an email and another about the golf holiday popped up and voila, he was caught! He is playing another golf day today and promised to take a day off in the week but is now saying that its only an extra day, why should he? Its the lack of truthfulness that irks me. I put my child first and don't think its unreasonable to expect DH to do the same. We never 'win' (hate to use that word but its become like that) against work (understandably) and golf (not understandable).

We agreed a few months ago not to have another child; I have never been as committed to NOT having another as he was, and he is fully aware of this, but a couple of weeks ago we were wondering whether we had made the right decision and just discussing whether we were in the same mindset - when he admitted the real reason he didn't want another child was that it would undoubtedly interfere in his golf schedule and, I quote, 'I would rather not play at all than play less golf than I do at the minute'. I don't think I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off at the lack of honesty about a decision that is not just for right now, but for the long term?!!!

Hello there, I'm new. My DW posts on here.

I'll keep it brief and acronym-heavy: IMHO YANBU. It is not reasonable for him to expect you to drop everything at a moment's notice just so he can go off and have a few hits with his mates. Alone time is fine even if it's regular - some of us need lots - but the least you can expect is that it's properly negotiated with you first.

He's not open enough with you about his golf arrangements. He certainly hasn't been open with you about not wanting another kid because of the golf.

Is half day every 2 weeks a lot? Don't many parents go to the gym 3 times a week and many mums to yoga/salsa/etc? Is he ok if you go out or do a hobby?

Thanks for all your responses. The issue for me is not that he plays golf, but that its beginning to become an addiction and take over his life (even to the extent that he's declared he'll be devastated if DS does not share his passion) and that he's started being dishonest about it. About extending his golf holiday and not telling me. About promising to take a day off and not. He played about 2-3 times a year before meeting me and having DS so I certainly did not ever try and stop him playing. In fact I have encouraged him from the start - encouraged him to join the local club; worked out a reasonable way he could play every weekend during the winter so he could play in all the competitions.

I'm certainly not emasculating him nor do I agree with those women who do so. So many of my friends have expressed disbelief that I have 'allowed' him to go on this golf holiday - and I have been surprised because to allow someone to do something implies you have control over them. And in a marriage you shouldn't.

Anyway, I digress. Its the lack of honesty that gets to me and that he has based not having a child on the golf and not been frank. If he had told me from that start that was why he didn't want another I would have known (not been happy) but we could have talked it through rationally. I feel like I've made a decision in good faith then found it was based on a lie. I have always been less in favour of NOT having another then him, but that is normal in a relationship. For one person to be more committed to something than the other. I've always been appreciative of what I do have rather than missing something that I don't have, or may never have. And if we couldn't have another then I'm so grateful that I have DS. But I thought we were stepping forward with a mutual decision, being on the same page. But it seems we're not. And that concerns me.

He's never stopped me doing anything and I do have the time and opportunity to follow my interests and see my friends and do the odd weekend/overnight away.

We do need to talk and this morning before work I said I wanted to talk this evening about some things I wasn't happy about. He pushed me into telling me what it was about (in front of DS which he knows I don't like, I'm reluctant to talk in front of him as he picks so much up) and then petulantly said 'You've never liked me playing golf'. So that's going to be a successful conversation, not!

I'm still not sure that I see the problem. He plays once every two weeks, his 'lack of honesty' seems to be limited to not telling you about this one-day extension immediately, and he doesn't want to have another child because it will cut down on his (and your) free time - a perfectly true and legitimate reason.

Have you considered that he may need more personal time than the average in order to counteract his 'very stressful' job? Also, if this was regarding a woman, posters would have flamed you immediately, saying that she deserves 'me-time' or that it's not your place to demand how she spends her free time.