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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell my DS real dad and his GF to get lost

71 replies

heathermumof3 · 13/08/2011 10:22

Ok I'll try and cut this short. My DS is now about to turn 8. His real dad has seen him 3 times. When he was borne the when he was a month old and again when he was 9 month old.
I tried my best to get him to take part in his sons life. I offered to pick him up (he only lives 2 miles away) I told him he could have him on his own or I could be there what ever is easiest for him. But no he never wanted to know. At the time I was 19 he was 26. So he was not young.
I never asked nor never recieved any money from him. As I thought that if he didnt want to be in his DS life then that is his lost and not going to force him.

When my DS was 18 month I met some one new who is now my DH. He is my DS dad. My DS does not know the truth yet because I think he is too young. He is a immature 8 year old but I will tell him when the time is right.

Last night via Facebook I got a message of my ex GF asking if we could be friends and discuss my DS meeting his real dad. I am so angry that after 7 years he all of a sudden has conscience And thinks he has a right to meet him.

I I've told them to get lost and my DS can have that choice when he is older. Also I have seen my ex in the paper for being drunk and disorderly and causing criminal damage. This is not a person I want round my son.

AIBU to tell them to piss off or does he have a right to see him.

Sorry if there is any spelling mistakes I'm angry and have dylslexa so it gets worse when I am like this.
Any way after 7 years of not

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 13/08/2011 10:24

Personally feel you have done the right thing, he cannot walk back into his life after 7 years and expect to be able to be a father, it takes more than sperm to be a proper father and he has shown he cannot do that.

If he wants access tell him to take you to court for it that you will not have your sons life disrupted after 7 years.

hoolabombshell · 13/08/2011 10:29

YANBU, he can't simply "ask" to be in his son's life again.
IMO he needs to slowly earn back the right to be a part of his son's life, especially if he is troubled.

Birdsgottafly · 13/08/2011 10:29

Even if you are not going to allow contact, you need to tell your DS about his bio dad, especially as he lives so close.
Your ex may not persue it, but as your DS gets older he may find out for himself and you don't want that to happen at a stage when there is other possible upset going on (teenage years, moving to senior school etc).

If your ex persues it he will be given contact, so you will have deal with that when it happens.

oneofthosedays · 13/08/2011 10:30

Do you think this is more the GF pushing things with your ex. If he's got to the point where he has told her he has a son but hasn't seen him in 7yrs, she may be giving your ex some stick for this and encouraging him to get back in touch.

I agree though, if your DS already has someone who he calls Dad and your ex hasn't shown any interest in your son for the last 7yrs and hasn't contributed financially then it may be in your DS best interest not to see him given what you have read in the paper etc.

rainbowinthesky · 13/08/2011 10:31

But he hasnt actually contacted you to ask for contact. I would ignore it. A girlfriend asking for this doesnt count as a request. That said, you need to tell your ds the truth.

HattiFattner · 13/08/2011 10:31

YANBU. If HE had approached you, you might have some glimmer of hope that this was a genuine desire. But its the GF. It may be that she is wanting to play happy families. Its just not worth the upset for your child. YOur ex may not even have any idea of this plan. And may not want it - you know how it is, feckless father plays the sympathy card with GF about not being able to see his son....she tries to make it all better but he actually doesnt want the responsibility....

Given his history of violence, I think Id hold off until ordered by a court to allow access.

oneofthosedays · 13/08/2011 10:33

Also if your son is 8yo has the ex got his name on the birth certificate? I think before Dec 2003 there was something about parental responsibility not automatically being awarded to the father but I don't know the specifics. If this is the case, could your DH not apply to adopt your son? Might be worth looking into.

Kayano · 13/08/2011 10:33

Don't put up with that but you NEED to tell ds the truth ASAP in case they or someone they know tell him .. Also dealing with stuff like this younger is much better IMO and can help prevent anger at being 'lied to' once they are older

yaimee · 13/08/2011 10:36

I think I'm about to face almost the same situation, and to be honest, if I am faced with it, I will react exactly the same as you. In my opinion, if you do everything you can to try to involve the father to begin with and he doesn't want to know, it isn't up to him to then waltz back into your life years later and start demanding access, upsetting the life that you have built around your child. As long as you are honest with your child when he gets older and give your child a choice about seeing his Dad, then I think you're making the right decision.

troisgarcons · 13/08/2011 10:39

You are storing up a whole heap of trouble in later life if you keep lying by omission to your child. When might you tell him the guy he thinks is his father actually isn't? Families have habits of letting skeletons fall out of closets when you least expect it. You only need dear old Aunty Mabel, three sherry schooners down to let it slip at some family gathering.

Meanwhile with the problem in hand; should the boy see his father? Difficult call. When he finds out the bloke he's been calling 'Dad' all his life isn't actually his father, he's going to be resentful he's been lied to. There has to be a certain amount of free choice for the child and to do that he needs facts.

Factor in also - he still lives close to you. You clearly have mutual friends on FB. He can find you and the boy quite easily and contrive a chance meeting if he's that way inclined.

And I speak from first hand experience of an interfamily adoption where my 'aunt', who was infact my 'cousin' was lied to and it all came tumbling out after a massive family row when she was 18. Nasty.

ImperialBlether · 13/08/2011 10:39

If I were you and if I were totally confident in your new DH as a partner and as a father, I would have your DH adopt your son.

Birdsgottafly · 13/08/2011 10:40

oneofthesedays- the ex will not have PR but for the DP to adopt the court will have to be satisified that the DM has not tried to contact the bio dad and gain his permission, or contact with DC. The ex can gain PR at a later date, but the DC will have the right to choose at 14, at around 12 their wishes will be listened to.

OP there may be other criminal charges or addiction, so this wanting contact may all be a non issue.

troisgarcons · 13/08/2011 10:43

If there is no father registered it is (or was) left as 'father unknown' - therefore the OP could take the stance that she doesnt know who the father is. She's never tried to get money from him so the CSA (or whatever its called this week) won't be involved.

You'll have to tell the lad sooner or later - won't be long before he wants his birth certificate in his own right to get a passport.

WheelsOnTheBike · 13/08/2011 10:46

I think you are wise to keep this man out of your life, but you need to tell you son - if nothing else, just in case somehow they approach your son directly etc.

I would give your DS a wee birds and the bees chat to explain it, but with your DH by your side as you tell him. Then say, in some families the special cuddle couple stay together, in others, like ours, we are very lucky that we were only alone for a very short time, then your dad came along and turned us into a complete family, or something like that.

So that he sees his family unit as it is now as his PROPER family unit, but has had it explained in child friendly ways that the sperm came from elsewhere.

Birdsgottafly · 13/08/2011 10:47

I think the problem is the proximity of the ex, gossip has a way of spreading.

OP do you know the GF, does she have DC's or family that know you or your DP?

Takitezee · 13/08/2011 10:49

I wouldn't make it easy for him. If he really wants to see your son then he will have to prove it by fighting for him.

Unfortunately I think you've done the wrong thing by letting him think his stepdad is his biological father. You should tell him as soon as possible.

Wishing you all the best.

ZillionChocolate · 13/08/2011 11:05

Lying to your son is the wrong thing to do. He should know the truth now, in a format he can understand.

As far as his father is concerned, it's not about his right to see DS, but DS's right to know and see his father. To say that DS can decide when he's, say, 18 is a complete cop out IMO and is storing up trouble for then. I'd be inclined to reply to the girlfriend and tell her that you'd made contact available over the years but it was never taken up. If he is genuinely interested in seeing DS, rather than her, perhaps he can demonstrate some commitment by making regular financial contributions to his upbringing. You can't reintroduce him without some assurance that he won't disappear immediately.

Original poster

heathermumof3 · 13/08/2011 11:10

Sorry could not reply on my phone it was playing up. My ex is not on the birth certificate because he was not around. I put farther unknown.

I can tell my DH is upset with this message. He says if it comes to it he wants back payment for 7 years. I just don't want hime around.

My son is very sensituve and imature. I will tell him. It scares me though because I am adpoted and my mum was made to tell me when I was yound around 5-6. I went to school the next day and told every one. This really upset my mum. I think I was too young to know.

Apparently his GF knows me from when I was young. I can not from the life of me remember her. I do know they both like a drink. They are in there local every night.

I believe she has 3 children of her own (none of them my ex's).

All of it is a mess. My son is in a good place at the moement. I have 2 other children with my DH. We are just one family. I see my children as brother and sisters not step brother. might be being selfish but I really don't want this man in our lifes.

He had his chance all them years ago and blew it. Now he apparently has a conscience how can convient.

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 13/08/2011 11:12

I wonder, just wonder, if your Ex knows his GF has contacted you. Maybe she's misguided and is wearing a pair of rose tinted specs. It's quite possible he's spoken about the lad to her, maybe a bit whistful, and she's just off and running with a brilliant idea in her head.

troisgarcons · 13/08/2011 11:16

I can tell my DH is upset with this message. He says if it comes to it he wants back payment for 7 years

The man your child calls Dad now wants 'back payment' for raising someone elses son? I know it's a kneejerk comment on his part, but spoken words can never be unspoken.

I think you are really going to have to deal with this issue this weekend.

At school, he will have many friends from many different types of family; some traditional, some blended, even some same sex parents! He's not going to be the only one who isn't being raised in a true biological family. However it is going to upset his little world ...... for a very short time until he sees mothing will change in his world.

Original poster

heathermumof3 · 13/08/2011 11:18

could be just his GF I don't know what he has told her. I remember when my son was around 6 months a mutual friend ask me why I wornt let him see his son.

I was so mad and told him I have never stopped him seeing him. It is hs choice and tried my best for him to have contact.

But after all this time I don't think he should be able to walk back into his life.

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 13/08/2011 11:19

its a shame you mailed her already - your best response under the circumstances would have been "I have no idea who you are or what you are talking about. I am married to the father of my children - please dont contact me again". That said you do need to talk to your son about the truth.

FakePlasticTrees · 13/08/2011 11:21

I would say it sounds like it's more come from the GF than him - let's face it, he's got a 7 year old son he doesn't see, he's going to have told her it's your fault and he'd of course love to have a relationship with him, he's not going to say (to a woman with 3 DCs who sees him as Step Father material) that he couldn't be arsed.

I'd refuse to reply. Delete all her messages, it's really nothing to do with her, don't engage.

troisgarcons · 13/08/2011 11:24

Without clouding the issues with too much personal experience, my brother made the decision to keep out of his Exs life when she had a new fella. So he didnt see his son until he was 13 maybe 14. I would say it did affect the boy not seeing my brother, but not as much as it would have affected him had my brother been in his life for those 10 odd years.

You son needs to know the truth. He does not however need to know his father, yet. Just be prepared though, as you have other children, there will bea 'shift' and he may very well feel he has become an outsider to your family unit. He will feel different, for a while at least.

Plus thinking about it, if this man has been in the papers, it is possible that there will be some overlap at school and one of his friends could mention it to him. You all live in such proximity it is possible.

I do feel for you in this situation.

Birdsgottafly · 13/08/2011 11:25

You need to talk to your DH, depending on the age of your other DC then this will have to be discussed as a family, later on, including possibly GP's and wider family. Your DS needs to know that practically and emotionally nothing is going to change.

Don't try to imagine how your DS or you should feel based on your own experience, the world has moved on.

Even if your ex doesn't want contact, it sounds as though this is going to all come out in the open, anyway.

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