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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell my DS real dad and his GF to get lost

71 replies

heathermumof3 · 13/08/2011 10:22

Ok I'll try and cut this short. My DS is now about to turn 8. His real dad has seen him 3 times. When he was borne the when he was a month old and again when he was 9 month old.
I tried my best to get him to take part in his sons life. I offered to pick him up (he only lives 2 miles away) I told him he could have him on his own or I could be there what ever is easiest for him. But no he never wanted to know. At the time I was 19 he was 26. So he was not young.
I never asked nor never recieved any money from him. As I thought that if he didnt want to be in his DS life then that is his lost and not going to force him.

When my DS was 18 month I met some one new who is now my DH. He is my DS dad. My DS does not know the truth yet because I think he is too young. He is a immature 8 year old but I will tell him when the time is right.

Last night via Facebook I got a message of my ex GF asking if we could be friends and discuss my DS meeting his real dad. I am so angry that after 7 years he all of a sudden has conscience And thinks he has a right to meet him.

I I've told them to get lost and my DS can have that choice when he is older. Also I have seen my ex in the paper for being drunk and disorderly and causing criminal damage. This is not a person I want round my son.

AIBU to tell them to piss off or does he have a right to see him.

Sorry if there is any spelling mistakes I'm angry and have dylslexa so it gets worse when I am like this.
Any way after 7 years of not

OP posts:

Original poster

heathermumof3 · 13/08/2011 11:26

I think my DH is just mad. He has been the one with sleepless nights, the arguments, parents evenings etc

He is just upset that my ex has never wanted to pay for him and has never wanted to see him.

Yes what he said is wrong I agree but we all say things in anger. He means if he has not got the back payments (which he wornt) then he can't see him. Meaning then he will never see him. If this make sense.

I have spoken to DH who says we are going to tell him this weekend but going to do it as a passing phrase. Not going to make it a dramatic moment, I think this might be best.

Ohhh this has wound me up. The nerve of some one. I would walk on fire for my children just a shame that other people don't feel the same.

OP posts:

Tyr · 13/08/2011 11:29

I think you will have to tell your son at some point in the not too distant future.
This happens sometimes- a new gf pricks the conscience.
As for seeing him, it will be a massive upheaval and you need to be sure he will not walk into your son's life and out of it again.
If you are going to tell your son, test his resolve by suggesting he write the child a letter once a fortnight for a couple of months. He has a lot of explaining to do.
It will also cause problems with your husband and he will have to be on board.
I agree that you have probably responded too soon.

Original poster

heathermumof3 · 13/08/2011 11:33

I agree I may have responded too soon. But it was moment of madness. And I regret it now.

I think I was happy in our little bubble and didn't want to break it :(

I know I am in for a tough time now. I am scared of hearing the words in a argument with my DS and his my DH YOUR NOT MY DAD

If any one has been in this type of sistuation how did you tell them

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadow · 13/08/2011 11:36

Would your dh be able to adopt your son? I mean, he has been a father to him for nearly all his life, and the birth certificate says father unknown, would this be an idea?

HairyBeaver · 13/08/2011 11:39

Hi, my DS is 6, will be 7 in December and he thinks my DF is his bio dad. There's no chance of his "real" father coming on the scene till my DS is a teenager (apparently "real" dads mum told him to stay away till DS is in his teens as his a shit dad, also I think they think they can swan in after my hard graft of raising him and take the glory )

So my question is, should I tell my DS now? I don't want to break his heart :(

HairyBeaver · 13/08/2011 11:41

Also could my DF adopt my DS without consent from HIM? His not on birth cert, but his the arrogant twattish type that will stop it just because he can.

Original poster

heathermumof3 · 13/08/2011 11:41

We had change my sons my depoll to our familys name. I have looked into the adopotion.

I have put it off as ment scocial workers and family assesments and as my son did not know I have put it off.

When I was young due to personal reasons I don't like scoical workers. For how they treated my parents when they was going though the addoption process.

I know most of them are there to help but you always get the one who is a bitch.

Like I said this is just my personal op

But after all said and done I think I might go ahead once my son knows the truth.

OP posts:

evenlessnarkypuffin · 13/08/2011 11:42

I will tell him. It scares me though because I am adopted and my mum was made to tell me when I was yound around 5-6. I went to school the next day and told every one. This really upset my mum. I think I was too young to know

I'm so sorry that you haven't told him because of that. You weren't 'too young to know' at all. If it had been told to you from the start eg 'Mummy and Daddy picked you' then it wouldn't have been a big deal that you felt you needed to announce. And she shouldn't have made you feel like you'd done something wrong by telling people.

Original poster

heathermumof3 · 13/08/2011 11:43

If you say farther is unknown and there is no way of finding the farther You can adopt.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 13/08/2011 11:43

Your DH is his dad he just is not his biological father.

That is how you have to tell your son, that DH is his dad as he has always been therefore him but it was not his sperm that produced him, use obviously different words.

GypsyMoth · 13/08/2011 11:45

You can't mess about here..... If this goes to court then your ex WILL get contact. The criminal behaviour won't come into it if not aimed at your ds or other children. His absence for so long won't be an issue, the courts see it everyday

But your ds needs to be told. Your dp sounds angry. You should tell your son on your own.

If he or the gf contact again then just say 'take it to court' in my experience, only the most serious and dedicated fathers will make it through all the court dates and jump all the hoops.

HappyMummyOfOne · 13/08/2011 11:46

By lying to your son its now going to be harder to deal with. If you'd told him the truth from the start he would have grown up with the knowledge. If this hadnt of happened when would you have told him? As a teen or young adult I would have been extremely hurt to have found out the parent I trusted had lied to me for so many years.

If the father does want to take an interest now, the courts will decide whats best for the child.

troisgarcons · 13/08/2011 11:46

You know your family best .... might it be an idea for your husband and son to have some time tgether today - alone - and for him to tell your son about how he met mummy and son, and how happy he (Hub) was to make a complete family, and follow that up with the you know I love you and will always love you chat.

And yes the 'I hate you/you cant tell me what to do/You're not my dad ' will all come out - it's just an add on phrase during hormonal years. We get all that (not the you're not my dad bit but every thing else) and you have to be prepared that we always hurt the ones we love because we know that love is unconditional.

TBH my three best friends are all adopted and have always known, before it was common to tell children the whole story. I've never come across an issue where a child has to be told. Know a few adults who have had a few inter-family shocks though - skeltons/closets - and it's all been rather nasty and acrimonious when real parentage is discovered. Thats why I'm advocating you tell him now whilst he can grow up with the idea.

The adoption thing; there must be people in this forum who have had similar circumstances. I don't know if adoptions are published in court lists? Could the Bio-father object?

GypsyMoth · 13/08/2011 11:48

Don't try and fool people with the adoption thing. You DO know who the father is

Don't sell your son short by lying..... You DON'T mess with things like this!

GypsyMoth · 13/08/2011 11:49

And no, it's not as simple as saying you don't know who the father is! Your dp and yourself would have to lie on legal papers and in court to a judge

Original poster

heathermumof3 · 13/08/2011 11:49

My mum never made me feel guilty or bad when I was young for saying thta. She didnt she told me when I was older what I did and she was a little upset at the time.

My parents had told me I was special they had picked me. I think telling them before the age of 5 is a little silly they don't understand. And even at 5-6 is too young in my opoinoin. I had a magical image of my real parents (princesses and kings) and constantly asked questions.

Whe I was 14 I met my biological mum and belive me it was not what I was expecting. Nor to me the answers she gave me was exceptalable to me.

So it has only been form my expericence why I have backed off from telling my DS

OP posts:

Original poster

heathermumof3 · 13/08/2011 11:51

I am not saying I am going to lie. about adoption I said I have thought about it.

I will now leave the decision upto my son when he knows the truth.

OP posts:

janelikesjam · 13/08/2011 11:52

I don't know the details of this, I am not sure what the GF has to do with it all. But perhaps you could meet the ex first, to see if his intentions are genuine. But if they are genuine I don't think its right to keep your son from meeting or getting to know his father, even at this late stage. Sometimes its better late than never.

troisgarcons · 13/08/2011 11:54

We tend to sell children short and assumethey don't understand things when in fact they are more than capable of rationalising information.

FWIW - I think you are doing the right thing by telling him.

Something else - don't be slagging off his bio-dad either. A simple, well he wasn't ready to be a father will suffice. But I would put that newspaper article you found, in a safe place, just for future reference.

slightlymad72 · 13/08/2011 12:06

Tell your son, he will be okay with it.

As for the biological father, do nothing, if he wants contact then he must set the ball rolling. If he really wants to know his son then he will jump though hoops to do it.

In my experience when the absent father is being forced to see there child because of pressure from family or girlfriends or they are trying to make themselves look good, they soon get bored of it and walk away.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 13/08/2011 12:08

I think if you tell children when they are young enough they just accept it, especially if you tell them bit by bit as they are old enough to understand each bit.

I am doing this with the facts of life with my dd (bit different I know). But first it was that a mummy has a baby, then baby grows in tummy, then when asked it was baby comes out of the tummy down between the legs, next it will be how baby gets in there(!)

You could have when he was younger talked about the subject as though you were talking about someone else to get him used to the idea, "my friend has a little boy called ben and he has a different dad to his sister, the man that looks after him is his dad too and loves him very much" etc.

I think it's much easier then having it dumped on them from a great height when they suddenly reach a magical age where they are old enough to understand and accept it . . . there is no such age. As he gets older he will react worse and worse to you telling him I think. Teenagers don't react well as they have so much other stuff going on and suddenly their life is being turned upside down! As an adult it is way too late too avoid them feeling lied to. So when is this magical age you are waiting for?

CalamityKate · 13/08/2011 12:09

I can't tell you how strongly I disagree with this.

I am adopted and have ALWAYS known. I can't remember being told. I've just always known. I remember telling little friends if the subject came up ("Do you look like your Mum/Dad" etc) but I never got a negative response. Some of my friends didn't know what it meant, so I told them and that was that. My Mum certainly wouldn't have given a hoot if I told people I was adopted. I think the fact that you telling people "really upset" your Mum is nothing to do with being too young to know, but possibly to do with your Mum having possible issues.

I completely agree with Puffin.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 13/08/2011 12:09

Also meant to say that I think it's the GFs idea, she is probably hoping she will settle down with him and he will be a good dad to her kids but can't convince herself of this when he has never even seen his own child!

evenlessnarkypuffin · 13/08/2011 12:11

I think that even if people find out at 14/15 they can still have a romanticised picture of what their birth parents will be like or their reasons for giving them up. The only thing they do have as a constant is their adoptive parents. Finding out that they have lied/hidden the truth can damage that relationship. In your case your son has a daddy, so hopefully the sense of abondonment by his father will be softened.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 13/08/2011 12:11

CalamityKate I agree and about the issues thing. Problem is it's now passed down different issues to you OP which you passing on to your son.

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